tomorrow I hand over my children to the OW for the first time

[chocoreturns]

I don't know what else to say, just need a hand hold tonight.

OW and STBXH are now house hunting 15 mins from my house, and spending EOW with my baby and DS. They have been lying about her being there right up until today. I finally reached the end of my tether, while listening to DS1 tell me all about house hunting with OW all day, having been told he was with only his dad and granny.

So I called STBXH and told him I'm over it, it's time to stop pretending I'm an ogre who can't bear to meet her, and to bring her to handover. If she's going to be on my doorstep and having my children in her home, I need to know who she is. She took my baby DS2 swimming with his dad today - it was his first swim. I am far beyond anger now and I'm just sad about it all :(

Not sure what to say to her, but I would like to take her to one side when STBXH is putting the kids in the car, and say look - I know you and I aren't going to be friends, but my children are my priority, and I need to know they are safe and happy when they're not with me. If you ever don't know what to do, or you're on your own with them and you think they need me, please know that it's ok to call me and I'll be fine with you. Then give her my number.

Is that mad? Or sensible and mature?

This is a moment I need a mumsnet straw poll :(

Ok I have a chair leg ready!

It actually spoilt my relationship for many years with my sd to be forced to call him dad by my mum. He was in no way responsible for the break up and is a lovely man. For your boys sake it needs stopping, I used to lay awake at night terrified of saying the wrong thing. She will never be mummy, she is 50% of the reason they have a broken family and nothing more.

I wonder if the "mummy OW" thing is what was on STBXD(ick)H's stepdad's mind at drop off?

Dear god, Choco, you are bloody amazing.

I actually feel physically sick reading this Mummy Skanky shite! You think there cant be anything new for these twunts to come up with but they do, and then of course others pop up having had the same experience. BASTARDS. I really hope MIL, SIL and SFIL put a stop to this for you. It is indecent.

Yes, Flisspaps, I would be shell-shocked hearing that as well.

Oh wow, am full of admiration for you. I know full well how utterly excruciating all of this is to deal with. It goes against all your maternal instincts to hand tiny dc's over to someone you don't have a shred of positive feelings toward. I have very little contact with ow - xh and I have grown to have a civil relationship and we organise everything between us. You are so brave to have met her.

It does get easier, I promise. And 3 years on I now have a great fortnightly weekend social life with a group of people who either have grown dc's, are childless by choice or share their care like me. It took a while to get there but I do feel that I enjoy my weekends with and without the dc's these days. A lovely new dp helped

I spoke to stepFIL :(

Apparently, STBXH and OW were all pumped up when they came over to meet me, with STBXH telling her and his mum that we were all going to be friends etc etc. So when I wasn't cheery and lovely they went back and basically painted me as a headcase harpy. Quel surprise.

So, stepFIL and MIL were v unhappy with me. I've just cried down the phone to him (unintentionally) because I was so shocked. Told them exactly what I wrote down here and said to them, and the fact that OW responded the way she did. Said that my DS has been calling her his other mummy and that I only asked to meet her due to STBXH lying to my face, yet again, the very day before, about where my children were.

I left it that I'm just at the end of my rope altogether and give up on trying to discuss anything with ex reasonably because its impossible. They are going to get back to me.

:(

Wow your ex feels very, very guilty doesn't he? Fuckwit should have thought of that before he started shagging around on his pregnant wife but that's why he's behaving like this - because if ds calls her mummy and if you were 'friends' then he can pretend he hasn't in fact broken hearts and made a huge dent in the lives of you and his dc.

A decade too late, I have realised how powerful guilt can be with men like this.

I didn't have the right script so I made mistakes. The first mistake was not recognising his guilt - and how that would lead to the most unimaginable duplicity.

Liars, tosser, skanky tramp and lovethieves the pair of them. StepFIL seems a decentish bloke maybe he won't have the wool pulled over his eyes. Sorry they've rubbed salt into earlier wounds.

So, stepFIL and MIL were v unhappy with me.

Because you don't want to be besties with your Ex-Wanker and "Mummy OW"?

What the actual fuck is wrong with these people?

They are going to get back to me.

What for? Why maintain contact with these people? Now Ex-Wanker is apparently having quality time with his sons on a regular basis, he can maintain the relationship with his family if he chooses.

There is only so much rising above you can do, choco.

I sincerely doubt it. I think it's just another example of the world according to STBXH.

I say: "I'm calling time on the lies, I know she's there and that you are lying to me about it, and I want the lying to stop. Bring her with you to collect them in the morning and I will tell her that myself so there is no doubt in either of your minds about what my expectations are."

He hears: "Ooh she's been with the kids loads shall we all meet up for a cuppa now and be mates?"

I say: "I expect you to tell me where my children are truthfully when I ask you"

He hears: "You can tell me anything you like my love, it doesn't matter a jot"

I say: "An apology from you both is about the only thing that would raise you in my estimation at this point."

He hears: "[Snarl/Rage/Rant monstrous harpy talking]" and runs off to tell everyone how wronged he is.

I read up on NPD in the early stages of this saga and found myself nodding along at the time. Moments like this just make me despair. There is no way forwards that will ever make sense that I can see.

It breaks my heart :(

sorry the reply was to northern, I cross posted with the rest of you - trib you're right. It's too toxic for me, I'm bowing out :(

have been reading and lurking. I think you are doing right to let this ride over you. children know who they can rely on and can see through the bs. ow is prob a flash in the pan so the word mummy means nothing and being a mum/mother is not about a word. My dd didn't call me mummy for the first 5 years (called me by my name) and I really loved it but it didn't mean I was not her mummy.

Keep strong and let your children see how people can deal with confrontation in an adult and dignified way and with respect for other people even when they want to bash their brains in with table legs. x

choco, your inlaws have just slipped down a notch or two in my regard

I hope they have in yours too

I know you had high hopes for your relationship with them, but the old adage "blood is thicker than water" has never been truer

you are on your own, love

I can't actually believe that they thought I would want to be his and her friend. I suspect it's a case of wishful thinking now.

I will NEVER be willing to share birthdays, christmases, meaningful moments etc with her and my children. I will encourage the children to know their father but I will NEVER want him back in my life in any way.

He isn't to cross the threshold of my house, how on earth they imagined I would want to be chums is beyond me. He's a prize cunt.

On top of all this my baby has been screaming his guts out for an hour and a half now.

Fucking marvellous.

I want to echo Anyfucker's comments.

My experience is that regardless of what the 'ex' in the relationship does, in the majority of cases the ILs side with their own children/blood.

However, to your DCs you are their Mummy and nothing, but nothing will change that. Your STBXH is a deceitful coward and letting him under your skin any more is just going to hurt you. Once you get through this episode, start planning your future and don't engage with people whose only interest in this is themselves and saving face.

So they were very unhappy with you??

Translated means: we are very unhappy with our son but they don't have the balls to say that. Skewed morals and cowardice.

The in-laws will be feeling very guilty as well. Mine went through the whole sorrow / helpful / guilt / she-must-be-a-headcase cycle pretty quickly too.

He is a cunt. I hope you get the baby settled soon.

Sorry my earlier post was a bit starry eyed but I don't think it helps you to feel much about this stuff as you can't control it. the il's prob feel out of control too, my dps were similar when dbro relationship broke down. They didn't really understand what was going on and wanted everyone to be friends - which they sort of are now but it took time, work and slidey backs.x

After all that has happened l am really surprised that your IL's remotely believed that you want to be friends with that pair.

He has wormed his way back into their lives with the OW and soon they will all be playing happy families with your DC's.

I hope you told your FIL how disappointed you were in them. I think you now know exactly where you stand with that family and l don't think you can rely on them any more for support--what a shame.

So sorry you're being put through yet more crap by this fuckwit Choco :( I can't get over the cheek of these people - not only to they seem to have no appreciation for quite how stunningly decent and reasonable you're being in all of this, they actually want to try and make you feel guilty for not wanting to be all chummy chums?? How very naughty of you to not be willing to join in with their "we're still just one big happy family" fallacy!

It really is mind blowingly deluded and selfish in the extreme. Totally agree with tribpot - there really is only so much rising above you can do :(

They have been playing happy families with her and my children for months.

Battle lines are redrawn. I am over it.

The temptation to point out I have a DA worker to help protect my children and myself from him is HUGE but I will simply have to draw a line here and move on.

As my sol and others have frequently said, if he can't be trusted with the children etc then his recourse is court. I need to remind myself that I am dealing with someone who chooses to behave appallingly and am surrounded by people who wish I was simply misunderstanding him.

I'm not. He's deliberately vile. The support they gave me all year has been invaluable, but I can at least know I've reached a point where (while it would be nice) I no longer need it.

Oh choco :( You poor thing. My heart goes out to you.