tomorrow I hand over my children to the OW for the first time

[chocoreturns]

I don't know what else to say, just need a hand hold tonight.

OW and STBXH are now house hunting 15 mins from my house, and spending EOW with my baby and DS. They have been lying about her being there right up until today. I finally reached the end of my tether, while listening to DS1 tell me all about house hunting with OW all day, having been told he was with only his dad and granny.

So I called STBXH and told him I'm over it, it's time to stop pretending I'm an ogre who can't bear to meet her, and to bring her to handover. If she's going to be on my doorstep and having my children in her home, I need to know who she is. She took my baby DS2 swimming with his dad today - it was his first swim. I am far beyond anger now and I'm just sad about it all :(

Not sure what to say to her, but I would like to take her to one side when STBXH is putting the kids in the car, and say look - I know you and I aren't going to be friends, but my children are my priority, and I need to know they are safe and happy when they're not with me. If you ever don't know what to do, or you're on your own with them and you think they need me, please know that it's ok to call me and I'll be fine with you. Then give her my number.

Is that mad? Or sensible and mature?

This is a moment I need a mumsnet straw poll :(

My ex is basically a fairweather father. He wants them dressed prettily, well behaved and delivered for playtime without any fuss. He doesn't want to call them when it might upset him, or think about what they actually need, or invest anything in their wellbeing. He needs to be told (or given) everything they need, every single time. He gloats about how brilliant his eldest son is, but doesn't acknowledge who taught him to say please and thank you etc.

When he 'gets involved' it is to issue a decree from on high. There is no dialogue.

My son just asked me for 'Mummy OW'.

I am beyond furious. What on earth do I do? Say? What can I say? To someone who thinks that I am basically his unpaid childcarer... my STBXH won't give a fuck about how that feels.

"Mummy OW" ouch.

I'll say nothing about it, and just rest easy that he will have absolutely no problem with the children calling my future partner Daddy.

Bastard.

I am so sorry for you choco. They have obv taught him to say 'mummy OW'. I would firmly tell them that she is just to be known as 'OW' with no undeserved prefix in the future.
I think you have every right to firmly lay down the rules on this one. After all, it is for your children's welfare as 'mummy OW' may not be around for long.
Big hugs. Don't let the bastards get you down.

Fwiw I think if OW gets pregnant things will change pretty rapidly. With regards to STBXH, I don't think you can appeal to a lump of dung's better nature, he hasn't got one.

Fucking hell. That must have hurt.

Oh choco, I think I'd have to say something about the mummy ow comment. If they are encouraging this it just shows how truly low they are. Bastards

Perhaps a call to your ex to discuss appropriate names for partners - both his and your future ones? Clear it up once and for all.

Hello Choco - given that you are the most remarkably kind and thoughtful MNer (I remain v grateful), I am not at all surprised that you've managed to handle this so well. Props to you. xx

Aw thats beyond crap choco. Hurtful to you and potentially confusing for DS.

Leave it lie for the moment, dont do anything about it in the heat of the moment. But something will have to be said; prob along the lines of how he will feel to have another man spoken of as Daddy?

Does this have anything to do with FIL's reaction when he returned?

Yes that must have really hurt. I wouldn't have been able to resist saying "OW is not your mummy & never will be. I am your Mummy!" with extremely gritted teeth!!!
What a prize arsehole he is. Yes I think she will be pregnant by spring, she will become tired & needy & won't want to be dealing with a baby & a toddler. Once the baby comes & the competition will start, she won't be so much "fun" will she???

Bastard.

Quite. I do think you should bring it up though. Maybe not for an older child but it has to be confusing for a 2 year old to have someone else referred to as "Mummy".

I'm afraid I would have said something about Mummy OW, along the lines of what Midwife said, but to your STBXH.... They have no right giving her that status in their life, especially as we all know she will probably only be around for a couple of years......

She should simply be known to them as OW, daddy's friend. That is her title and that is it.

I too hate being told that child free time is great. i have tried to be all whoo hoo about it, but its usually just a big front. Yes, it is nice to be able to do some things on your own, but on the whole, everybody else is busy with their own families and you are just on your own doing nothing...... I spend my weekends working usually, so that I can give DD more time when she is with me. If I go to the pub, its pot luck, there might be friends there, there might not. and the nearest big town to me is where XH lives. I presume he wont be out if he has DD, but of course he could get a babysitter and go out, so I would hate to bump into him.... plus Ive got nobody to go out with, because they are all with their husbands!

I never chose to leave my child two days a fortnight, I have had it forced upon me. Yet another shit thing that XH did to me. He chose to be without her, I didn't.....

you ok, choco ?

What a shit. Your lovely DS didn't dream that one up on his own.

From AgathaF: Perhaps a call to your ex to discuss appropriate names for partners - both his and your future ones? Clear it up once and for all.

^^ I agree.

Of course, twunt will deny that he or she have had anything to do with it, and will claim that your DS came up with it spontaneously because he is so dazzled by OW's charms. So rather than mention what DS has said, it may be better to have the discussion in general terms. And remember, when discussing it, it is nothing to do with hurt feelings, it is about giving consistent messages to and not confusing the DC through the use of inappropriate names.

I'm ok. Just sitting with it and not doing anything rash. I have friends over so I'm telling them how wonderful MN is and trying to remain cheerful. This is probably best dealt with sideways, ie through SIL or MIL as you are quite right the lump of dung doesn't have a better nature, and he will obviously lie and say it was spontaneous. With utter conviction. Because he's a turd.

Ouch :( mummy OW?! She doesn't deserve the glorious title of Mummy anyone!!! Tell your ex she is to be known as OW. NOT mummy. She is not mummy. You are his mummy.

Fwiw I would never accept my dsd calling me mummy. She has her own mother. I am her fathers partner. I love her for sure. But I'm not mummy and never will be.

Sending you hugs and patience xxx

Choco you have handled all this amazingly, I really am in awe.

I would say nothing about the 'Mummy OW'. Just correct him and call her 'OW' whenever he mentions.

Ex will no doubt have done it with the intent of upsetting you, and be on tenterhooks waiting for the outburst and upset. Don't give him the satisfaction. Very soon he will be old enough to realise that he only has one Mummy, and if they try to force the issue he is likely to become obstinate about it. Bide your time.

Alibaba just agreed with you on another post and your wise words i concur with again !

Your Ex will be hoping to twist the knife here, probably trying to regain 'ground' after your wonderful controlled talk at the week end. He's looking to make you mad, so your self restraint here is to be admired, i couldn't be the way you are now, totally in awe !!!

I would just say to DS "she's not mummy ow, her name is just ow and that is what you should call her".....
When 'arsehole'' next has contact and picks up the children just politely say "oh I had a chat with DS as he was under the impression he was to call OW ''mummy ow' but I've put him straight....if he is told again to call her that you will receive a letter from my solicitor regarding the issue! Then shut the door.

Bastard!

Temptation to reply "it's not mummy OW it's 'motherf**ker'"?

Just me then

I agree that you should say nothing about the Mummy OW issue to ex. It will only fuel the fire and tempt him to keep twisting the knife....he sounds like a real shit looking for ways to make you react to keep up his lies about you being a crazy vengeful ex.

Tell DS though that its OW not Mummy OW and keep repeating...

I wouldn't put it past him to have deliberately done it as retaliation :(

nasty horrible little man :(

Trib definitely NOT just you! I was thinking "not 'MummyOW' darling, 'SkankyOW' - but frankly, we all know our dear Choco is far above using her precious DSs as weapons to hurt other people.

That's what the other side do, and they are beneath contempt.

no, we shouldn't use children as weapons to hurt them. We should use CHAIR LEGS as weapons to hurt them. I'm raising a posse, who's with me?
[brandishes chair leg]

sensible and mature

well done OP. you are so much better than so many women in your position who just do their best to destroy their dcs relationship with their dad (have seen the fall out of this first hand)

you sound fab.