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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

tomorrow I hand over my children to the OW for the first time

999 replies

chocoreturns · 26/01/2013 22:44

I don't know what else to say, just need a hand hold tonight.

OW and STBXH are now house hunting 15 mins from my house, and spending EOW with my baby and DS. They have been lying about her being there right up until today. I finally reached the end of my tether, while listening to DS1 tell me all about house hunting with OW all day, having been told he was with only his dad and granny.

So I called STBXH and told him I'm over it, it's time to stop pretending I'm an ogre who can't bear to meet her, and to bring her to handover. If she's going to be on my doorstep and having my children in her home, I need to know who she is. She took my baby DS2 swimming with his dad today - it was his first swim. I am far beyond anger now and I'm just sad about it all :(

Not sure what to say to her, but I would like to take her to one side when STBXH is putting the kids in the car, and say look - I know you and I aren't going to be friends, but my children are my priority, and I need to know they are safe and happy when they're not with me. If you ever don't know what to do, or you're on your own with them and you think they need me, please know that it's ok to call me and I'll be fine with you. Then give her my number.

Is that mad? Or sensible and mature?

This is a moment I need a mumsnet straw poll :(

OP posts:
Original poster
chocoreturns · 15/03/2013 09:11

I woke up this morning to an email from twunt saying he is moving down in 4 weeks. No address, not even an indication of where 'down' is. Could be the next street, could be the next city. I don't know what to do about the fact he clearly has no intention of telling me where he will be living, or where he will be taking the children. I don't need to know the house number, but the approximate location would be nice :( fucks sake, talk about a downer. Good job I have Freedom to go to this morning I'll have some people to chat to about it all. Hope everyone else is having a better start to their day x

OP posts:
chezziejo · 15/03/2013 09:46

Morning Choco. Well I suppose the day can only get better from here. Is he moving alone or is turtleheads moving too? On the other hand you can always try and I know it's bloody hard but just sit back and watch it all go tits up for them as I'm pretty sure it will xx

Skyebluesapphire · 15/03/2013 10:17

Morning Choco. I hope they aren't too close , although within sniper range would be useful ;-)

Maybe once they are here you can get a definite pattern of contact set up which will be better for you and the boys. I know it is so horrible being without them but its one of those things that we have no choice over :(

I can see my X doing the opposite to yours and moving further away....

Any dates lately?

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 15/03/2013 10:28

I wouldnt be happy sending my kids off to some unknown place, i'd demand that info, or they arent gonna be going there.

Hopasholic · 15/03/2013 10:42

I'd be so bloody tempted to reply with 'OOh what a coincidence! I'm moving in four weeks too! Hope your move goes well'
But then you'd be being unreasonable by not telling him where you were moving to wouldn't you?

Midwife99 · 15/03/2013 11:00

I think you should insist on knowing where your children will be. Even my abusive ex tells me his new address each time he moves. He knows your address!!! If he doesn't give you the address - he doesn't get to take the boys!!

BerylStreep · 15/03/2013 11:22

I think he wants you to ask, so he has an opportunity to not tell you. I wouldn't bother asking, you'll find out soon enough. I'm sure his Mum or sister will let it slip at some point.

Original poster
chocoreturns · 15/03/2013 14:17

She's coming too.

I feel so sick and worried about it, I know I will just have to deal with it, but not knowing whether they are moving into my town or out of it makes me feel horrible. I have no idea how to deal with issues like safety where they are going :( he is crap at baby-proofing, doesn't see the need. I want to make sure that the kids are safe but from my (preliminary) research around the topic, it would appear that I have no right to know as long as I have a phone number for him.

Nothing about splitting from your partner is fair, or morally right, or in the interests of the child as far as I can see today. He gets to treat us like crap, fuck around with someone else, make us homeless while I'm pregnant and in the eyes of the law he's an 'equal parent' who must be treated as equal until there is a broken arm, or baby who swallowed bleach, or child with burns from an ill placed kettle/child with hympothermia from being dragged around without a coat while he gets his jollies 'evidence' of neglect. I am not a careful and considerate parent for wanting reassurance about the whereabouts and wellbeing of my children if I ask for it, I'm a nasty bitch trying to interfere with his life.

Sometimes I just want to cry with frustration with the whole fucking mess.

Sorry. I may be overreacting, I don't know. It just feels like shit today. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
chocoreturns · 15/03/2013 14:20

Beryl that sounds like a bloody good idea :)

OP posts:
Wereonourway · 15/03/2013 14:25

Choco I've followed your threads but I can't recall commenting

Just wanted to say you are an inspiration, I'm 7 months post split from an emotionally abusive ex. It's been hell at times and I totally resonate with what you said today about the fairness post split, about him being an equal parent etc. it's bollocks isn't it.

From someone who isn't an expert but who is trying to cope with an arsehole ex, you are fabulous. You really are

bamboozled · 15/03/2013 14:49

Hello all - I was wondering how everyone was getting on -
I'm pretty sure yiuc an demand to know (and see where the kiddos will be going) when the fuckwit and I split up and dd was 18 months old, my solicitor was amazed I was letting him have overnight access - so without a contact order in place - so long as you show you are reasonable, you hold all the cards.
What a blow though - poor you.

blackcurrants · 15/03/2013 16:55

oh Choco, how unbearably shit.
I hope Freedom was good, and supportive.
hugs

BerylStreep · 15/03/2013 17:28

I've been on a really good course for work this week, all about empowering women leaders. One of the things the very inspirational speaker said was that anxiety is worrying about the future - things that haven't happened, and in fact might never happen. It sucks emotional energy out of you. One of the things she suggested was to try to reduce the emotional intensity of how you refer to things, and that this in turn, reduces the emotional intensity of how you feel about things. So instead of saying to yourself that you are sick and worried, try saying I'm a tad uncomfortable about it.

Rather than saying he's crap at baby proofing, maybe say he's a little laid back.

It could all be bollocks, but I can see where she was coming from. I think it's based on NLP.

She also talked about not doing 'negative recall' - i.e. try not to dwell on things that have occurred in the past unless it is useful to do so - in fact she said not to do it unless you can turn it into a funny story.

Do you think it might help? Alternatively, you can buy a tracker here, which doubles up as a bugging device. Grin

Original poster
chocoreturns · 15/03/2013 19:34

god that just cheered me up Beryl Grin I wouldn't for the sake of it but isn't it wonderful that these things exist? Makes me feel like there is a safety net if I ever was truly concerned for their welfare when they aren't with me.

I actually completely agree with the principle that language changes experience.

Maybe I need to practice "he is a complete fuckwit" being turned into "he treated me very badly a long time ago", and see how I feel.

Still feels like he IS a complete fuckwit right now. Angry

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 16/03/2013 00:17

Or, 'he wasn't great at monogamy and responsibility.'

I have to admit I struggle a bit with the concept, because we all talk about not minimising things, and tbh, I think for a lot of people, when they have experienced abuse, they have rationalised and minimised things for too long which allows the abuse to continue. So when the penny drops, so to speak, it is good to recognise the behaviour and be angry with it.

But what my inspirational lady was also saying is that whilst anger can be good, and there is a certain energy associated with it, it isn't sustainable in the long term.

She was tres good.

Anyhow, check me out, I sound all new age. I'll temper it with the news that a cat (not sure which one) has caught a mouse and delivered it to the doorstep. Between them it is their first ever, and they are throwing a bit of a mouse party outside in the garden, now that I refused to let them have it inside.

Skyebluesapphire · 16/03/2013 02:37

yes, sadly legally I dont think that he has to give you his address as I looked into it when XH moved into his rented place. Morally though of course he should give it to you. I honestly don't think there is anything you can do about the babyproofing either , other than to remind him that it needs to be done... of course you could refuse to let them go there until its done, but how would you know for sure

I emailed XH recently as DD told me that when she went there she didnt wear a helmet on her bike as she didnt have one. and seeing as XH seems to work every Saturday when he has DD, I have asked him for his word that he doesnt text while she is in the van seeing as he used to text/email OW all the time while driving but of course there is nothing I can do to make sure that these things actually happen :(

It is so bloody frustrating isn't it, when stuff is out of your control hands XH as the X, rather than by his name, to depersonalise him, but my counsellor said that makes it worse as a lot of hurt is with those words - the X - and that I should refer to him by name in order to deal with the person and move on. It makes sense

Midwife99 · 16/03/2013 07:50

It's a tricky one. On the one hand minimising the extent of his twuntdom feels as if it didn't happen but on the other only you are affected by how you feel about it. I guess over the years I have naturally done those things without realising it which is why I don't really feel any resentment anymore so it must be good. I refer to my 2 XHs by name & minimise their previous form for my own benefit I guess. It is alot less tiring!

MaBumble · 16/03/2013 13:54

re my XH I say 'oh he suffered from a specific but common form of amnesia. He kept forgetting he was married'

Skyebluesapphire · 16/03/2013 15:06

Grin MaBumble - I understand that form of amnesia is quite common, sadly.

Original poster
chocoreturns · 17/03/2013 22:23

isn't it just?

I had lunch with MIL today with the boys. I now know exactly where they are living and have perused the house online thanks to Rightmove, and discussed babyproofing it with MIL. I feel calmer and a bit more able to prepare myself mentally for them arriving. It's much nicer knowing I am completely aware of where they are, and even have a mental image of what it looks like inside... I sincerely doubt T&T will be chuffed to know that I do, but who cares?

I am also going out the weekend before they arrive, for the first time in about 18months (possibly even longer!) with friends, and am determined to let my hair down and have some fun. This is MY home and I will NOT allow myself to feel anxious about living here.

Screw them - getting on with my life is the best medicine :)

OP posts:
blackcurrants · 17/03/2013 23:22

Good for you!
Grin

Skyebluesapphire · 17/03/2013 23:28

Well done. I'm glad you feel happier. I take it that they aren't living too close to you.

Well done to MIL too for spilling the beans.

Original poster
chocoreturns · 18/03/2013 07:51

they are about a 10minute drive away. Close enough but not on my street, thank god. It's a hamlet with literally nothing there except a garage and post office. I wouldn't live there if you paid me, but to each their own!!

OP posts:
Mmmnotsure · 18/03/2013 08:56

Good. Hopefully she'll get bored and bog off home

Turquoiseblue · 18/03/2013 09:05

Choco

I followed your first tread and only spotted this one today. Truly my heart breaks for you, yet soars at how you re rising above it all and the wonderful strength selflessness and dignity you have shown.
I m enraged and furious at your twunt of xh. I hope he rots in misery - sincerely. I don't know how you do it. I just wanted to lend you some virtual support and hand holding and commend your bravery and kindness. And to wish you the very best xxxx