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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

tomorrow I hand over my children to the OW for the first time

999 replies

chocoreturns · 26/01/2013 22:44

I don't know what else to say, just need a hand hold tonight.

OW and STBXH are now house hunting 15 mins from my house, and spending EOW with my baby and DS. They have been lying about her being there right up until today. I finally reached the end of my tether, while listening to DS1 tell me all about house hunting with OW all day, having been told he was with only his dad and granny.

So I called STBXH and told him I'm over it, it's time to stop pretending I'm an ogre who can't bear to meet her, and to bring her to handover. If she's going to be on my doorstep and having my children in her home, I need to know who she is. She took my baby DS2 swimming with his dad today - it was his first swim. I am far beyond anger now and I'm just sad about it all :(

Not sure what to say to her, but I would like to take her to one side when STBXH is putting the kids in the car, and say look - I know you and I aren't going to be friends, but my children are my priority, and I need to know they are safe and happy when they're not with me. If you ever don't know what to do, or you're on your own with them and you think they need me, please know that it's ok to call me and I'll be fine with you. Then give her my number.

Is that mad? Or sensible and mature?

This is a moment I need a mumsnet straw poll :(

OP posts:
Skyebluesapphire · 08/02/2013 13:56

hi Choco - agree that they are totally out of order . I think that our practice does that though, Hmm they ask for your date of birth and name, then tell you the address for you to confirm.... there should be something flagging the system to NOT hand the address over though especially in cases where DA has been involved.

My friend is a Doctors Receptionist , sorry Patient Services Co-ordinator , to give her the correct title... I will ask her why they do that?!

I hope that they take the complaint seriously. Like you say, bit late for you now, but it may help somebody else...

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 08/02/2013 14:42

I can imagine his smug little face which I'd like to punch

As is often the case on this thread, an orderly line forms....

Original poster
chocoreturns · 08/02/2013 14:47

I've just made a complaint by telephone, which I will follow up with in writing. Put a right flea in their ear!! Apart from anything else, (as I think someone else pointed out upthread) if that happened to someone with a violent ex-partner they could be put in immediate danger, and although it's not the case with me, I chose to keep our contact information private for a reason. I suspect some frantic re-training will be happening at the surgery!

I now have a flag on the system not to disclose information over the phone to anyone at all apart from me. Still, I'm still cross about it.

OP posts:
bamboozled · 08/02/2013 15:32

Well done - were they apologetic? Really foolish of them
not to have that system in place already....

blackcurrants · 08/02/2013 15:34

I am tired of swearing at his antics, choco, so God knows how tired you must be!

Fuck that pathetic manipulative little Tosser, though. fuck him and fuck turtlehead too

Midwife99 · 08/02/2013 16:11

Easy to find out his address now Choco - just phone his doctor's surgery!! Otherwise 192.com. Then send the divorce petition to that address naming ow for adultery! See how he likes that!!

bamboozled · 08/02/2013 16:21

Ooh - midwife - I like that idea!

AnAirOfHope · 08/02/2013 17:18

Like midwife post.

Original poster
chocoreturns · 08/02/2013 19:04

no they weren't particularly apologetic, yet. They said they were taking it very seriously and would have to get back to me in the week. I will take it further if they don't give me a satisfactory answer.

:) @ midwife!

I have a long boring night ahead of me cleaning my kitchen and scrubbing dishes. Boo. On the upside, my mum has said she'll have the kids overnight for me on Sunday... could this be my first child free night in 18 months? How odd will that feel! Better make the most of it hey... :)

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 08/02/2013 19:06

Yes choco good time to dust off your trinkets and polish up your treasures Wink

bamboozled · 08/02/2013 19:27

OMG (as my dd12 would say)
Emergency pelvic floor squeezes ... Grin
Wooohooo!

bamboozled · 08/02/2013 19:31

Oh, sorry, was that a bit rude?
Oops xx

Original poster
chocoreturns · 08/02/2013 19:36

fnar!

at the very least I may buy a non nursing bra tomorrow. Although a night off feeding may = super fun bag size knockers! I'm still feeding 4x a night usually!

OP posts:
WeAreSix · 08/02/2013 19:43

Delurker!

If you google PALS for your local area they will take you through the formal complaint system. They're usually lovely and very helpful.

Receptionists should be asking the person they are speaking to to confirm the address, not volunteering info. Patient confidentiality is rightly of upmost importance and the receptionist needs these rules re-read to her.

Good luck and enjoy your weekend :)

tribpot · 08/02/2013 19:55

choco, there are further ways you can have your address shielded, I'll PM you. But this was a serious error by the practice, and if they don't treat it as such I'll talk you through escalating it.

I think you should seriously consider the possibility of him turning up at your address, for no other reason than to rattle you. It could be purely innocent 'oh ds left this with us, we thought we'd just drop it by' to make it practically impossible for you to object to it without looking unreasonable, but I very much doubt he will lose this opportunity to assert control. I would just be prepared to say thank you, take whatever it is, and immediately shut the door in his face.

BerylStreep · 08/02/2013 20:00

Although a night off feeding may = super fun bag size knockers

Snort tea Grin

Midwife99 · 08/02/2013 20:24

LMFAO!!!! A feeding bra may encourage easy access though!! Woohoo - a night of passion awaits!!

Allalonenow · 08/02/2013 21:39

As tribpot and Wearesix say, this was a major breach of patient confidentiality, the Practice should have protocols in place to ensure that this never happens.

In different circumstances, your lives could have been endangered, so a glib half hearted apology is not enough.

BertramBertram · 09/02/2013 07:37

Just a thought - Did XH confirm he knew your address? He could be trying to bluff you? (might be clutching at straws but at least he won't know where you live!!)

bamboozled · 09/02/2013 07:48

What will your mum do , hide under the bed with the baby and pass him up for a feed when the carpenter is asleep - or those fun bags will explode in the morning.... Wink. It's like a Alan Ayckbourn Farce...

AgathaF · 09/02/2013 08:12

Gosh! Does he know you're still bf? Might get a bit of a surprise if he doesn't Grin

Glad you've contacted the practice about their breach of confidentiality. Disappointing response from them though, although I guess they need to speak to the receptionists first, but even so....

I agree with tribpot about him turning up at yours, just because he now can.

Original poster
chocoreturns · 09/02/2013 12:23

Things seem relatively cordial with twunt today, no dramas at handover. I don't feel stressed which is good, although I'm not happy that he could turn up - there's not a lot of point worrying about it.

Speaking of things that there isn't a lot of point worrying about, the carpenter has dropped off the radar. No text since Thursday morning, and no reply to mine about what to do on Sunday :( I sent a second message today just to let him know I'd make other plans if he's not free, (in a totally non-needy way!) and still nada. I'm frustratingly cross about it. I forgot what a headf* dating can be!!

Please remind me that we do NOT need men, however nice they seem to be. And it's not the end of the world if he disappears completely. Bit gutting though if he does.

OP posts:
bamboozled · 09/02/2013 12:55

Men are best for a bit of a fumble, then sent back into their caves to watch rugby and make a mess...
Sorry if its messing with your head but don't over think the carpenter-thing, he'll either call or not, but his idea of a time frame to make plans will be SO different to yours, as obviously you need to sort childcare etc, so it's like a military operation, including giving kids their tea at about 4 pm so that there is time to clean up, bath them, and then wash your own hair...(oh yeah, been there done that) that one starts planning it about 48 hrs in advance -
Men on the other hand will think about it less than a day in advance, work out of they need to shave - being a Sunday'n'all, maybe shower, maybe not and then go out....
If all else fails, I'll DHL you some of my back drugs - everything is gloriously numbed and worries about who is eating their 5 a day, or even done their French homework seem very muted....

Skyebluesapphire · 09/02/2013 13:04

bamboozled - can I have some of them drugs too Grin

choco - :( and Angry about the carpenter. I do hope he is not going to mess you around. Maybe he is just really really busy (she says optimisitically)
why are men such pricks? :(

Thumbwitch · 09/02/2013 13:07

Men are incidental to your life at the moment, Choco. It would be nice to have a helpful considerate one around, of course, but if they're going to play stupid games, then you're best off without them.

No more messages to carpenter man - and remember it's HIS loss if he chooses to ignore yours.

Saves you having to buy a new bra, anyway... Wink

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