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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

tomorrow I hand over my children to the OW for the first time

999 replies

chocoreturns · 26/01/2013 22:44

I don't know what else to say, just need a hand hold tonight.

OW and STBXH are now house hunting 15 mins from my house, and spending EOW with my baby and DS. They have been lying about her being there right up until today. I finally reached the end of my tether, while listening to DS1 tell me all about house hunting with OW all day, having been told he was with only his dad and granny.

So I called STBXH and told him I'm over it, it's time to stop pretending I'm an ogre who can't bear to meet her, and to bring her to handover. If she's going to be on my doorstep and having my children in her home, I need to know who she is. She took my baby DS2 swimming with his dad today - it was his first swim. I am far beyond anger now and I'm just sad about it all :(

Not sure what to say to her, but I would like to take her to one side when STBXH is putting the kids in the car, and say look - I know you and I aren't going to be friends, but my children are my priority, and I need to know they are safe and happy when they're not with me. If you ever don't know what to do, or you're on your own with them and you think they need me, please know that it's ok to call me and I'll be fine with you. Then give her my number.

Is that mad? Or sensible and mature?

This is a moment I need a mumsnet straw poll :(

OP posts:
Midwife99 · 07/02/2013 22:57

Ha ha Bamboozled - tramadol tax extension! Who knew it was possible?!! Grin

dollyindub · 07/02/2013 23:54

Another de-lurker here! Have been following your amazing progress with awe and complete admiration!
I've been thrust into single parenthood (4.5 month old DS, light of my life!) due to ex-twunt binning me when I told him I was pregnant...after 5 years together. Of course there was OW waiting in the wings.
BUT, feel so inspired by your experiences and the fantastic, completely deserved positive outcomes that are now happening for you, purely down to your amazing attitude and selflessness, well, as many have said before me - you are an inspiration.
Please write the book choco!
And wishing you lots of luck and good times with the carpenter...he sounds like a keeper to me! ;-) xx

saffronwblue · 08/02/2013 01:16

Does anyone remember that dreadful song from the seventies ..."If I were a carpenter...and you were a lady".
Just saying. Now it is going around in my head!
Choco it is so lovely that you have a new dimension in your life. Enjoy it!

Original poster
chocoreturns · 08/02/2013 08:17

Hahaha!

OP posts:
Original poster
chocoreturns · 08/02/2013 08:22

bamboozled that's hilarious, did he manage to cut you off before the whole meeting heard you?

Hello dollyindub I'm so sorry you're another one with a twunt of an ex, we really should form a hitsquad legion. Fabulous single mothers of the world unite! I hope you are enjoying your baby as much as possible and have heaps of support around you.

I didn't mention but twunt told me last night on the phone that the GP surgery gave him our address Angry so now my little house has been revealed. I'm uncomfortable about it but I guess there is nothing I can do. (Unless of course he tips up outside).

Really, really cross with them for telling him though.

OP posts:
Midwife99 · 08/02/2013 08:28

Errrr Choco - they have broken a gazillion rules about confidentiality of patients!!! You MUST write a formal letter of complaint to the practice manager!!!!

GirlsonFilm · 08/02/2013 08:45

Choco - delurking to say totally agree with Midwife - patient confidentality broken - do write a letter. I'll pm you with some more thoughts.

Original poster
chocoreturns · 08/02/2013 08:48

unsurprisingly he didn't offer his own address now that he knows mine Angry

you're right midwife, it does actually make me feel much more than a little uncomfortable. I am going to Freedom today and I'll ask them what I should/could say to the practice.

OP posts:
Original poster
chocoreturns · 08/02/2013 08:48

girlson thank you x

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Allalonenow · 08/02/2013 08:52

That is a major breach of patient confidentiality, and should be reported to the PCT by letter immediately, with a copy to the senior partner at the practice.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 08/02/2013 08:57

Idiots! How on earth did that happen! Well you should definitely have his address now.

Original poster
chocoreturns · 08/02/2013 08:57

It was the receptionist, apparently he asked to speak to DS's GP and she just said straight away is that [DS name] from [name of our street and house number]?

My GP knew about the DVAS service involvement with our family, but I didn't specifically tell the practice manager not to give out our address. Should I have in the first place?

OP posts:
Original poster
chocoreturns · 08/02/2013 08:59

:(

It's a bit horse that bolted now anyway. I'll get DVAS to do a risk plan with me just in case, but I don't think that it's going to be a big problem other than just making me feel incredibly uncomfortable and him enjoying letting me know that he knows.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 08/02/2013 09:03

Maddening. Not saying he will bother harassing you but it's annoying knowing he will feel clever or advantaged by that gem dropping into his lap.

bamboozled · 08/02/2013 09:30

Nope, whole meeting heard me, luckily mainly Flemish speakers, so although their English is embarrassingly good, I don't think translating 'nookie' was on the curriculum... DH decided that rather than go down the mortified route, he'd sit there silently thinking 'I've got it, I've still got it" [cue Beyonce-style dancing!]
On the address issue, DEF make a complaint, but don't let it stress you out too much, as a twunt like that would have found a way to get it, cc-ed on a letter from DC's nursery, or on school applications etc, even driven kids around to point out things near your house until he found it and hassled you even more in the process.. It's in the DNA of fuckwits kike that to not let these things drop so don't let it ruin your day, as then he wins on both counts.
Hope your meetings go well today - only 2 sleeps til Sunday ...

slambang · 08/02/2013 09:34

Bloody hell Choco. If nothing else that receptionist is in serious need of retraining. They should always ask the enquirer the address not tell them.

If she's doing that routinely it could have massively serious ramifications for some people. What about children in care removed from abusive situations? Or people at risk of serious violence? Is she randomly handing iut addresses willy nilly? Please put a complaint in writing to the practice manager to stop this idiot blabber mouth. Angry

porridgeLover · 08/02/2013 09:37

Aw. Flippin' heck choco. Bloody receptionist. Sad
More boundary jumping by DH; of course he had to let you know that he knows now. Power tripping.

maxybrown · 08/02/2013 09:54

but he could have been absolutely bloomin anyone!! So no, don't try and turn it on yourself by saying should you have told them!!

Oops sorry first time I have posted on your threads - having always followed them Blush

You have to complain - what if had even been a complete stranger (strange maybe anyway but you know Grin)

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 08/02/2013 10:29

Yes, complain. Definitely not your fault at all.

Thumbwitch · 08/02/2013 10:50

Oh no wonder he was so compliant on the phone then. He wanted to hear how you reacted to that little gem.

Stupid, stupid stupid receptionist. DATE OF BIRTH, woman, NOT address. FUcking hell.

So sorry that you've been put in that position of discomfort, Choco. Yes, take them apart over it - for all anyone knows, it could have been a kidnapper/parental abductor phoning. Idiots! (Can you tell that's really wound me up? Blush) To say nothing of the risk to you as well!

AgathaF · 08/02/2013 11:21

Oh that is outrageous. I agree with everyone else - complain to the practice - email, letter or phone call. Which ever is easier for you.

Jux · 08/02/2013 12:51

That is bad. It could have been anyone on the phone. Shock

i have often thought that people who work with wood are slightly out of the ordinary. They need to understand how a living thing works and work with it. Expressed badly.

No advice re when to introduce to your boys, but as he has children too he probably has some ideas about that kind of thing himself.

Whatever you do, have fun!

BerylStreep · 08/02/2013 13:07

I can imagine his smug little face which I'd like to punch as he told you that. Why do you think he felt the need to tell you that?

Jux · 08/02/2013 13:11

I went to behappy.me but everything's out of focus so I can't read any of it. Probably an iPad glitch.

I like xkcd, and I think parents of older children will relate to this one: xkcd.com/1170/

Original poster
chocoreturns · 08/02/2013 13:31

I've made an appointment to speak to the practice manager and now I have thought about it, I'm really pissed off. It could have been anyone you're right Jux, and more to the point, just because I'm not at risk of violence, I have still had the involvement of Domestic Abuse services and kept my address confidential for a reason. Now he can choose to move next door to me if he wishes, and I have no privacy. And if he WERE violent they could have put me and my children in immediate danger. I'm going to be exceptionally pissy about it, on reflection, and make sure it's a formal written complaint too.

grrrrr

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