tomorrow I hand over my children to the OW for the first time

[chocoreturns]

I don't know what else to say, just need a hand hold tonight.

OW and STBXH are now house hunting 15 mins from my house, and spending EOW with my baby and DS. They have been lying about her being there right up until today. I finally reached the end of my tether, while listening to DS1 tell me all about house hunting with OW all day, having been told he was with only his dad and granny.

So I called STBXH and told him I'm over it, it's time to stop pretending I'm an ogre who can't bear to meet her, and to bring her to handover. If she's going to be on my doorstep and having my children in her home, I need to know who she is. She took my baby DS2 swimming with his dad today - it was his first swim. I am far beyond anger now and I'm just sad about it all :(

Not sure what to say to her, but I would like to take her to one side when STBXH is putting the kids in the car, and say look - I know you and I aren't going to be friends, but my children are my priority, and I need to know they are safe and happy when they're not with me. If you ever don't know what to do, or you're on your own with them and you think they need me, please know that it's ok to call me and I'll be fine with you. Then give her my number.

Is that mad? Or sensible and mature?

This is a moment I need a mumsnet straw poll :(

You keep falling off of 'Threads I'm On'!!

Brilliant updates

I'm glad the 'coffee' went well with the PIL's, that you feel much more confident about providing for the boys and that they're so happy :)

... and I'm chuffed to bits for you about your carpenter!!

I don't think it does any harm to introduce people quite early on - as long as they're presented as friends or even boyfriends and not an uncle or daddy type thing... so I'd go for more him being there for dinner and staying when they go to bed, than lots of 'family' things/days out etc. Sort of in the way you'd be with a female friend who loved your kids because they're yours but wasn't wildly mad on kids - does that make sense? There's plenty of time down the line for them to develop a close relationship with him if it works out, I just think for now it's better to have that bit of distance.

As for twunt thinking he'd get any say in it after what he's done.... mwahhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha

I always thought that you shouldn't introduce kids until you know that it is actually going somewhere, because you don't want to introduce a whole load of different men into their life, so I suppose each person has to use their own judgement as to how they think it is going. I used to think six months but in reality, now that I am in that situation (or will be when I meet somebody) I think that is probably too long.

My friend introduced her bloke fairly quickly as like you say, the kids are the major part of your life, so they do have to get along!

Glad the date went well and well done for not putting out yet. Keep him keen, lol

Soppy smile at thought of choco having lovely dates and some 'me' time to herself... Vicarious pleasures...

I think there'll always be a po-faced element who, regardless of feckless ex, will by dint of you having 2 under 18s expect you to be on an altogether higher, unrealistic dare I say it, celibate plane.

So far you've exercised bags of common sense and grace and thoughtfulness, so why not just trust your instinct?

I would like to see the interaction between the new man and my children, as that would be a major factor in deciding to take the relationship further. Six months is a long time to wait for that.

Get in there girl, sounds great.

When I was dating I kind of naturally knew whether it would be a meet the kids relationship or not. Most men I dated didn't meet the kids because I subconsciously knew they weren't keepers even if we dated for a while. However when I met DH he met them after 3 dates because date 4 was a playdate with his DD & mine who are only a year apart in age. It kind of fit. It was different & obviously as a result right.

I think I'll know in another 2-3 dates whether I want him to meet the boys (so far so good) but knowing I might want him to, and actually knowing how to go about it are two different things.

I suspect it might be a case of him taking his kids out for a day, me taking mine to the same place and just hanging out as friends for part of the day to see how it goes. Neutral territory like an aquarium or wildlife park, something quite relaxed. Definitely not a 'meet my boyfriend' moment (or a 'meet my girlfriend' moment for his either).

Well this is a much nicer thing to be worrying about than T&T and their antics :D

Yeah that's exactly what it was like - fancy going to the spring party in the park? Yeah ok - see you there at 1pm with the kids! A couple of hours of fun & then bye - nice to see you! Then kids talking about their new friend they met in the park. Low key. No pressure. secret God I want to kiss you glances

Hello!! What fab fab news!!!!!
I was the same as midwife, didn't introduce kiddos to dates really as that was my time as me sexmachine

Whoops, didn't mean to post that so quickly and my sister just read that over my shoulder, whooping with laughter..
DH2 on the other hand, met the kiddos after about date 3, just turned up at our house and said hi, I needed to meet you ALL... [weak at knees]
Nearly fell off his chair when dd1 (aged 5) wandered upto him and said 'would you like to play happy families'... She meant the card game but he said he saw his whole life flash before his eyes

On another note, my lovely sis who came round to entertain me while trying to convince me I had a whiskery chin and should let her have a go with some tweezers had never seen mumsnet. She couldn't work out why I havnt been bored enough to top myself, having been housebound for 3 1/2 weeks, til I showed her the Threads. She is filled with admiration for you Choco and everyone else who has posted - so huge praise from yet another person on how your have coped with all that has been thrown at you.

Choco, have followed your story from a distance and echo what all the others say about you, you are deeply fabulous.
Just coming out of lurkdom as my first thought about your new man meeting your boys was concern that DS1 would tell T+T about him.
Sorry, but maybe something to bear in mind.

I am a bitch so ignore the following.

Even if you decide not to introduce new guy please 'accidentally' drop daddy new guy into a conversation you know will get back to ex...

'happy families' aww bamboozled!

Bam, that is really funny

Hi Choco,

had to de lurk as well,

I have come out the other side of my ex twunt and his shite behaviour.

My son just under six foot and 14 calls his Dad irresponsible and a fuckwit, he only see's him occasionally for the money and presents he gets from the guilt he now feels, his words not mine. His Dad would love to see him asmuch as he could, but no1 son cant be arsed, so fuckwit has to make do with whatever crumbs he can get from him.

Bare in mind that my ex is a complete but job and doesnt take shite from anyone, but has been told in no uncertain terms to go fuck himself and i couldnt give a shit if I didnt see you again anyway. This all from the mouth of my baby.

My son has grown up to be very sensitive and responsible, protective of his mum, thinks family come first and loves his step dad and grandparents.

His dad took me through the courts even though I never stopped contact, but he had disapeared and went no contact. he even had a private detective follow me to find out where i lived, because he thought I would change my name back to my maiden one, and looked for me under that one. His at the time gf now wife, tried phoning my parents house up pretending to be friend of mine, she got my Dad he knows everyone I know, he wasnt fooled by that, she never did it again lol.

Sorry for waffling on, anyways I suppose what I wanted to impress on you is that you cant ever break thebond between a mother and child, especially a boy I think. Much to my sons annoyance I still remind him of all the shoes he would bring nanny in the shops, and all the make up from Boots he would insist on trying.

Even if i say so myself he is a credit to me and my family, and fuck all to do with him, he knows this now and sadly for him is reaping what he sowed a long time ago.

it does get better, they do get found out, and yes sadly they dont seem to get much of cumuppence though, especially in my ex twunts case, but hey I have the son he doesnt, it dont pay the bills and it hasnt but I would go through it all again to be in the postion I am in now.

You took the thought straight out of my mind when you typed up against the wall, snorted water all over the keyboard.

You are an inspiration. x

It was sooo funny - couldn't have written it better if I was scripting a sitcom....that was about 6 years ago...
He is my person, a workaholic grumpy git fantastic step dad and I'd go through all the heartbreak of my divorce etc all again, if it was the reason I ended up with him! Vomit inducing but shows there is light at the end of the tunnel! Blame it on the haze of pills - I'm considering selling them on eBay, at the end of this I'd make a fortune!
Choco, have you noticed the whole 'new squeeze, instant weightloss' that seems to happen when suddenly you are excited about life again for the first time in ages?

choco It's none of T&T's business - at present they'll like nothing better than dream up some spiteful way of being obnoxious, new beau or not - but you aren't putting a foot wrong imho. Easy for outsiders to bang on about think of the DCs, don't be selfish about incomers, let ill will go, blah blah. The 'victim' (and I know you don't see yourself as this) is last in the queue for consideration! After so much heartache the DCs are always in the middle, and whether old partners are shitbags or not, the parent who habitually puts her DCs first is at risk of neglecting her own well-being. High time you had some fun.

I have no experience in this area but you seem a very grounded, switched on person and an aquarium or park date sounds a lovely, non-stressy way to meet up with Mr Carpenter and DCs, en masse.

OOphs sorry forgot to add, said child was around his grandparents, and date now DH knocked on the door, child walked down the stairs and casually said going on a date then? me umm errr just to the flicks, he said have a nice time and skipped off to the front room.

He wasnt supposed to have met my son it had only been 6 weeks, but it was a complete coincidence, as thought child was in the front room.
We played it casual till I knew it would be ok, you know best choco your the carer dont let stbxh dictate everything.

x

bamboozled - 'happy families' that made me

Hey Choco, I was quoting your blog today. I brought my DSis on a driving refresher session. (She passed her test 2 years ago, and hasn't driven since the day of her test).

Anyhow, I thought it would be a good idea before we even left the house to think some motivational thoughts, so I showed her some of the quotes you have on your blog - 'comfort zone / where the magic is', 'You don't need to see the whole staircase, just the first step', and the Henry Ford quote about whether you think you can or you think you can't, you are probably right.

She was pretty impressed, and for someone who has been so phobic and dogmatic about not driving, she did really well. You are very inspirational.

Beryl that's really great, who knew my blog would help with driving! I'm very happy that the quotes helped her out, they help me out too. I get daily ones emailed to me from behappy.me if you want to point her in that direction too. Little by little it would seem that my blog is getting out there lol. I like that it's WOM-ing it's way around MNet and friends.

Thanks to everyone for the stories and advice re: introducing dates. I think I'll just go with the flow and try not to 'set' anything in stone. I'm very happy to meet more de-lurkers :) Guilty I'm really glad you're in a good place now and your son is a credit to you, I love it when people tell me what a great boy DS1 is and how polite/confident/sunny he seems, because I just think "I did that, I gave him that, I'm doing great really!"

Bamboozled hilarious about your DD!! I bet your stomach dropped for a second when she said it! How are you feeling tonight? I hope the pain is easing off?

I just spoke to Twunt, because DS1 wanted to say goodnight. Usually today I would send an email but he's contacted the GP and nursery this week so I decided to just say '"it's great that you've been in touch with them, I won't worry about an email this week now. Can you let me know what your plans for the weekend are?" [which he did, and asked my opinion on! progress?] DS was happy and giggly and chatty which helped. I thanked him for making the effort to call/skype the DC this week and he told me he even has his own changing bag now [which I proffered a pat on the back for].

New tactic: tell narcissist when you think they are fantastic, and reinforce the behaviour you want to see. Ignore all else.

I strongly suspect the prospect of amazing nookie and a lovely new man are making me outdo myself in terms of being 'reasonable' because, frankly, I couldn't give a fart about the STBXH tonight. It's much easier to be positive about him doing what I told him to re: taking charge of his own involvement, than it is to worry about it.

I quite like OneFTE.com but it is anti-inspirational. More world weary cynicism, but still very funny.

I think words like nookie are just brilliant - I tried to FaceTime him to remind DH how great new n was

Keep blinking posting too soon! Tried to FaceTime DH tO remind him how great new nookie is - almost worth breaking up for in my opinion, but did t realise he had his iPad on in the meeting he is in in Belgium!
On another note, so whacked out on the pain pills that when I phoned HMRC to try and sort out why they are disagreeing with my tax returns, the lady asked if I had been drInking, then gave me an extension to sort it all out!