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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

tomorrow I hand over my children to the OW for the first time

999 replies

chocoreturns · 26/01/2013 22:44

I don't know what else to say, just need a hand hold tonight.

OW and STBXH are now house hunting 15 mins from my house, and spending EOW with my baby and DS. They have been lying about her being there right up until today. I finally reached the end of my tether, while listening to DS1 tell me all about house hunting with OW all day, having been told he was with only his dad and granny.

So I called STBXH and told him I'm over it, it's time to stop pretending I'm an ogre who can't bear to meet her, and to bring her to handover. If she's going to be on my doorstep and having my children in her home, I need to know who she is. She took my baby DS2 swimming with his dad today - it was his first swim. I am far beyond anger now and I'm just sad about it all :(

Not sure what to say to her, but I would like to take her to one side when STBXH is putting the kids in the car, and say look - I know you and I aren't going to be friends, but my children are my priority, and I need to know they are safe and happy when they're not with me. If you ever don't know what to do, or you're on your own with them and you think they need me, please know that it's ok to call me and I'll be fine with you. Then give her my number.

Is that mad? Or sensible and mature?

This is a moment I need a mumsnet straw poll :(

OP posts:
Skyebluesapphire · 02/02/2013 22:21

Yes, you have the right to live where you want to, so depending on your own work, you may need to move in the future. I hear Scotland's nice Grin

BerylStreep · 02/02/2013 22:24

Or come and join us in NI?

Skyebluesapphire · 02/02/2013 22:33

Grin even better Beryl

cenicienta · 02/02/2013 22:39

My SIL split with her H and the 2 children were actually split between the 2 parents (court decision but not in the UK I hasten to add). The hardest thing for her was that her exh left her dc2 with a childminder for long hours every day in another city whilst she was a SAHM looking after dc1 and could have had dc2with her as well during that time. It broke her heart!

I can't begin to imagine how hard it is for you to give them over to ex and OW eow. And I can see you never ever wanted to have child free weekends.

But they are both yours for the rest of the time and you have all that time together, just the 3 of you.

cenicienta · 02/02/2013 22:42

And if you're looking for somewhere to move to, I can offer the tropics :) Where I live the temps never drop below 24c and ex would never even be able to pronounce the name of the place, let alone find it :)

Skyebluesapphire · 02/02/2013 23:02

cenicienta I'll come Grin

Skyebluesapphire · 02/02/2013 23:02

cenicienta I'll come Grin

AgathaF · 03/02/2013 06:47

His fuckwittery really knows no bounds.

BlooMoon · 03/02/2013 09:22

I would be sorely tempted to keep him updated on every single one of your sons' bowel movements, by sending nappy samples. By post. Second class. Grin But you are a much nicer person than me!

I would hate the skype thing, by the way. It sounds like a real invasion of your privacy, especially as they are so young and you would have to administer it. Yeuch..

X

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 03/02/2013 11:28

I would just say NO about the Skype thing.

NO, that wouldn't work for me.

sammysaidso · 03/02/2013 11:35

Couldn't read and run, you seem like such a strong person op, and I hope everything works out for you.

FrankellyMyDearIDontGiveADamn · 03/02/2013 11:56

Lurker here, just popping my head up to say well done and keep it up. You're such a strong person.

I'm delurking because I just heard on the radio and it made me think of you taking a spot of revenge. Not legal, yes, but there's no harm in fantasising right? Wink

Thumbwitch · 03/02/2013 12:08

Great blog, Choco!

Your ex is an utter moron and I agree his response was purely based on "I can't actually disagree with anything specific so I'll just disagree with you being right because it makes me feel like shit". I wouldn't let him Skype either, and the boys are a little young for it really (speaking as one whose DS has been skyping with his grandpa in the UK since he was 21mo - he got bored very quickly, usually! and he loves his grandpa)

And I really hope that neither of them get the jobs they're after.

5madthings · 03/02/2013 14:34

Your blog is amazing, you will make a brilliant life coach and I agree your writing is amazing I would buy a book you wrote!

wallypops · 03/02/2013 21:11

I'm sure you can get them in the UK, we had a kind of box that I attached to the phone with photos on it, which dial through to the person on the photo, so the kids could phone the dad and grans etc.

My DDs were 2 & 3 when XH, AKA Voldemort, moved out. I so know where you are coming from, the only difference really is he only told me about the cheating the day after our divorce. My XH (who scores 10 on the twunt scale - had an affair from the day we found out I was pregnant with the first baby, to after the birth of the second, not to mention a gambler, verbally agressive alcoholic, arsewipe) only left my home, bought and paid for by me only, as part of the divorce agreement. Legally here (France) I couldn't make him leave.

He used to phone evey night and it was such a bind - I now just pass the phone to the kids. Talking to small people on the phone is grim, they live in the moment and the person on the phone is not in their moment.

Otherwise all I can say is that I still wake up every morning pretty much cheering that I am divorced. It rocks!! And I still feel like that after nearly 5 years.

Our divorce agreement, which is standard for France means that he has the kids every other weekend and half the holidays. The holiday bit stinks but every other weekend is such a blessing. 2 unbroken nights of sleep and the possibility of some kind of social life is really not a bad thing.

It is absolutely nerve wracking letting them go off with him, but now they are 7 & 8, they have a hidden mobile phone and they know how to call the police if the turd starts flying. And they are on the police register for fast intervention, which is sadly the best we can do for the moment. For me one of the most important things has been showing them that we have to stick up for ourselves and we don't have to take it lying down. It has been fairly empowering for us all I think.

cheeseandpineapple · 03/02/2013 21:30

Choco, call me a control freak but I wouldn't want ex calling up doctors, health visitors, nursery to get info directly. I would prefer to remain in control of the information and communication flow.

Be careful not to push him (and potentially Turtlehead) towards having meetings with any of these people about the boys without you.

It must be frustrating that he doesn't do his bit more but in some ways that is to your advantage.

I would feed him information and ensure he trusts you to tell him what key things are going on so you remain key contact point with everyone. He can't treat you like a doormat and needs to step up but I think it's in your interests that he believes you keep him in the loop so that way you maintain control over things and what he needs to know.

But if that means more interaction with him than you prefer and you would rather he forms relationships with these other people directly and that it's in your DSs interests too that he does, then that's fine, just wanted to flag up another perspective to be mindful of.

cheeseandpineapple · 03/02/2013 21:34

Ps, think of the time DSs are with ex as child care for you to work on that book..

Write it under a pseudonym, publish it without telling him and stash all the proceeds for you and DSs!

McBuckers · 03/02/2013 22:31

My ex twunt does FaceTime with the children and I hate it, I hate that he (and the OW) can see our new home. I have to facilitate it and I'm never sure how DD1 (6yrs) will react. The first time he did it she curled up into a ball in the corner of the room and cried.

ProphetOfDoom · 03/02/2013 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
chocoreturns · 03/02/2013 23:07

I hate the skype, it's true. But I just put the boys in their highchairs next to each other, point the laptop at them and leave him to it. Against a blank wall, giving nothing away. DS1 says random bits and pieces, DS2 just sits there. But I'm showing willing!

I don't really want him to be uber involved with all those people either cheese&p but I sincerely doubt he will be - he might ring one of them, but it won't be sustainable for him. I do keep him in the loop once a week anyway but if he's going to complain that's not good enough I thought I should show him what the alternative is...

Anyway, I don't really care about him tonight because you may be pleased to know I've just had a rather excellent second date Grin give me about another 3-4 and I may well be taking AnyFuckers advice!

OP posts:
Original poster
chocoreturns · 03/02/2013 23:08

cross post with you Matilda Grin great minds!

OP posts:
ProphetOfDoom · 03/02/2013 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

postmanpatscat · 03/02/2013 23:38

So pleased for you choco!

bamboozled · 03/02/2013 23:56

Hi, best thing, for when you hit the courts - and he sounds like the kind of fuckwit that will take it the whole hog, is for you to email him telling him that you are very happy for him to have full access to all medical, school etc info, as it shows you are the reasonable one. In our court case - the judge said that this showed I was the reasonable one, as I always enabled him to have this access, (he will soon stop bothering to take it up, as yet again it will be about power rather than caring for the kids). My best moment of the truly horrific court case was when the judge said.. 'As you rightly point out Mr Fuckwit, if I find your evidence reasonable, I am obliged by law to give you shared residence, double the amount of contact, a pint of your ex wife's blood - but the problem is I don't. All the evidence points to her being the reasonable one, so I will award her sole residence etc..' [victory dance in court room]

bamboozled · 03/02/2013 23:57

Ps, great great news about the date! x

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