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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

tomorrow I hand over my children to the OW for the first time

999 replies

chocoreturns · 26/01/2013 22:44

I don't know what else to say, just need a hand hold tonight.

OW and STBXH are now house hunting 15 mins from my house, and spending EOW with my baby and DS. They have been lying about her being there right up until today. I finally reached the end of my tether, while listening to DS1 tell me all about house hunting with OW all day, having been told he was with only his dad and granny.

So I called STBXH and told him I'm over it, it's time to stop pretending I'm an ogre who can't bear to meet her, and to bring her to handover. If she's going to be on my doorstep and having my children in her home, I need to know who she is. She took my baby DS2 swimming with his dad today - it was his first swim. I am far beyond anger now and I'm just sad about it all :(

Not sure what to say to her, but I would like to take her to one side when STBXH is putting the kids in the car, and say look - I know you and I aren't going to be friends, but my children are my priority, and I need to know they are safe and happy when they're not with me. If you ever don't know what to do, or you're on your own with them and you think they need me, please know that it's ok to call me and I'll be fine with you. Then give her my number.

Is that mad? Or sensible and mature?

This is a moment I need a mumsnet straw poll :(

OP posts:
Midwife99 · 02/02/2013 10:38

Me too - only today I directed a pregnant woman whose H is mucking her about to your threads. You ARE an inspiration & a really good writer. I KNOW you could write a wonderful book & it sounds like you have lots of pre orders already!!

Original poster
chocoreturns · 02/02/2013 18:47

thank you all, maybe I will stop dismissing the idea out of hand, and have a think about a book lol. If anyone has any advice let me know :)

Today has been a good day for me. I feel empowered.

Twunt underpaid maintenance, not by a lot, but I called him on it and asked for the full CSA amount. I'm proud of myself for standing up for what is right for the boys. Following the rather pissy reply I got for pointing out his underpayment, I got a few emails criticising me for not keeping him up to date about the boys etc. So I calmly, but in NO uncertain terms let him know that I am no longer responsible for his relationship with them, he is. And that I will not be made to feel like a bad mother when he doesn't call, write, contact the nursery, doctor, health visitor or in fact anyone at all about the boys when he isn't actually with them. That co-parenting requires a level of trust and co-operation, as well as two parents who actually get involved. Until he decides what he's going to do to get involved, he can't complain about being behind the curve on the odd issue.

His reply:
"My only response is that I totally disagree with a great deal that you say. However I have no interest in arguing with someone who's mind can't be changed. I'm not going to allow how I feel about you to impact how I approach caring for our sons."

So I can only imagine that he disagrees with one of the two options, a) that he is and should be responsible for his own involvement, or that b) he has actually secretly been calling them daily and I've simply not known about it Hmm

It's a pointless circular conversation. I recognise that he won't change despite me calling him out on stuff, certainly not for long. But I feel damn good for telling it as it is, and stopping pussy-footing around being so polite. I feel my personal strength returning and it's a good, good thing. Grin

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/02/2013 19:02

Broadly translated as:

"You're right so my automatic response is to stamp my foot and try to provoke you into emailing something unprintable I can keep for future rants".

Quite surprised he can string words of more than one syllable together, quickly, someone phone Mr Attenborough! animal communication techniques have obviously peaked.

Original poster
chocoreturns · 02/02/2013 19:17

Grin @donkeys!!

OP posts:
Midwife99 · 02/02/2013 19:27

If he wanted to be a "fully involved" parent he shouldn't have gone off with skank while you were pregnant!! As usual ignore the fucker & get on with being the only "fully involved" parent in this scenario!!
PS How he feels about you?! Errrr!!

tribpot · 02/02/2013 19:31

Can't you reply "you mean 'whose', not 'who's', dumbass"?

DO IT Grin

Or perhaps even more inflammatory "I look forward to the day when you actually do approach caring for our sons. Until then - see ya, wouldn't wanna be ya".

Midwife99 · 02/02/2013 19:34

Grin trib!

Original poster
chocoreturns · 02/02/2013 19:35

Grin oh god trib, how I want to do that. SO. VERY. MUCH!!

He's having dinner tonight with his DF, DF's unlucky new girlfriend, and OW. Can't you just imagine the dinner conversation? The absolute impotent fury being expressed right now?
she said what? You have to call the nursery and doctor yourself? you have to be involved? WTAF? who does she think she is!! BITCH

ahh to be a fly on the wall.

SIL2 cried off with an upset stomach. She said she couldn't imagine a scenario more likely to make her barf anyway. Seriously, for such a twunt, his female relations really are a cracking good lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
chocoreturns · 02/02/2013 19:36

and Midwife, errr indeed!!

OP posts:
BornToFolk · 02/02/2013 19:42

Ah so, he wants you to do everything for your sons and -seek his approval- keep him updated on their lives rather than actually getting off his arse and being a decent parent himself? Hmmm, sounds familiar!

Good for you Choco!

BornToFolk · 02/02/2013 19:43

boo, strike out fail! You know what I mean!

Midwife99 · 02/02/2013 19:48

Can you imagine a more toxic group of people?!! How very dare you Choco!!

Original poster
chocoreturns · 02/02/2013 19:56

I feel completely and utterly cheerful right now, thinking that OW will be sitting there bathed in the toxicity of STBXH and FIL, listening to the outrage heaped on me... and she really thinks that she can be completely secure in her belief that it will never happen to her. That she knows what kind of man he is :)

Ahh, ignorance is bliss.

OP posts:
Original poster
chocoreturns · 02/02/2013 20:00

That's about as close to vindictive as I get haha.

I am very much watching this space now that I've spelled it out to him, to see if anything changes. He is requesting to Skype all the time now, but I'm probably going to give it a shelf life of 10-20 days max before that peters out again.

Twunt and OW have job interviews on Monday next week down here. They seem to think they are a shoe in for the jobs, and will be moving down tout suite. That makes me less joyful, but I am trying to be stoic. IF he finds it in himself to get involved, I can only hope it's for the DC's benefit. I will be deeply uncomfortable with having him on my doorstep though :(

OP posts:
Midwife99 · 02/02/2013 20:02

Yes thank god you escaped. I know the last year has been really hard but guess what - THEY CANNOT DO ANYTHING TO HURT YOU EVER AGAIN!! Yes you'll feel sad on the boys' behalf when he inevitably lets them down but they will have endless love from you to insulate them from any twuntery.

BerylStreep · 02/02/2013 20:09

Choco, how did you ever fall for him? Was he always like this, or did he change? Did his twuntishness get worse over time?

Original poster
chocoreturns · 02/02/2013 20:16

well, I was actively eating disordered when I met him which probably clouded my judgement. Plus, I had recently left a relationship with an incredibly abusive ex. So downgrading from a grade 10 bastard to a grade 8 one actually felt like hitting the jackpot back then.

I suspect that it was a combination of my recovery from both of those things, and his disillusionment with me as I got better, that made him up his game. So I know that I am partly to blame for the crappy choice in men I've made. But I'm working on making better choices!!

Something I have learned from Freedom this year: Abusiveness varies from man to man, but abusive men generally think the same. I need to spot how they think, not how they are likely to abuse me, earlier on. Sort of like, variations on a theme...

OP posts:
Midwife99 · 02/02/2013 20:20

Yes they can spot those of us with problems a mile off & then when we start to recover & grow they can't bear it so become openly abusive to try to push us down again.

BerylStreep · 02/02/2013 20:40

Oh choco, I didn't mean it to sound accusing. Was just interested. You sound so together.

You deserve someone lovely. (Not that we need someone to make us whole, bykwim)

Original poster
chocoreturns · 02/02/2013 20:43

its ok I didn't think it was accusing, I don't mind explaining (as much as you can 'explain' a relationship choice, anyway!). I have done lots of therapy and years of a recovery program so I'm happy to own my own stuff :)

OP posts:
5madthings · 02/02/2013 20:51

You are doing amazingly. Can I ask for a link to your blog? Tho obviously understand if you don't want to share. Xx

Original poster
chocoreturns · 02/02/2013 20:56

Not at all - I linked upthread, but here you go again :) blog

I'm working on an update to the blog for tomorrow, I feel a bit Blush that I've ignored it since Christmas Eve!!

OP posts:
MusicForTheMasses · 02/02/2013 21:08

The best feeling in the world must be knowing that you are NOT having to sit down with Twunt and the FIL. There are a couple of (lucky, lucky) women out there having that pleasure (!) Wink

The best thing will be if one of them gets offered a job and the other one doesn't. I can imagine that going down well, not.

Original poster
chocoreturns · 02/02/2013 21:19

oh pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease let her be offered one, and him not.

Actually, if that happened he would just ride her coat tails down here and become a kept man, and demand to have the DC taken out of preschool etc. So maybe not Hmm

ugh. Twunty twunt twunt!

OP posts:
postmanpatscat · 02/02/2013 21:25

I think it would be fun to up sticks and move somewhere else, as soon as they get settled Grin

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