tomorrow I hand over my children to the OW for the first time

[chocoreturns]

I don't know what else to say, just need a hand hold tonight.

OW and STBXH are now house hunting 15 mins from my house, and spending EOW with my baby and DS. They have been lying about her being there right up until today. I finally reached the end of my tether, while listening to DS1 tell me all about house hunting with OW all day, having been told he was with only his dad and granny.

So I called STBXH and told him I'm over it, it's time to stop pretending I'm an ogre who can't bear to meet her, and to bring her to handover. If she's going to be on my doorstep and having my children in her home, I need to know who she is. She took my baby DS2 swimming with his dad today - it was his first swim. I am far beyond anger now and I'm just sad about it all :(

Not sure what to say to her, but I would like to take her to one side when STBXH is putting the kids in the car, and say look - I know you and I aren't going to be friends, but my children are my priority, and I need to know they are safe and happy when they're not with me. If you ever don't know what to do, or you're on your own with them and you think they need me, please know that it's ok to call me and I'll be fine with you. Then give her my number.

Is that mad? Or sensible and mature?

This is a moment I need a mumsnet straw poll :(

choco you couldn't have played that any better - true to yourself as always.

Hope your chisel is nice and sharp

Choco, you did a great job and well done for resisting that temptation, tough though it must have been!

Mental grit indeed - you are the grittiest of gritty!

Your MIL does sound rather lovely though - perhaps the reason she doesn't want the contact at her house EOW is because she hates seeing the OW play happy families with her git of a son and your lovely DC, when she knows it should be YOU there?

I do know of a family where the son was a right bastard to his wife and his family cut him out, kept the DIL as family instead (and DC of course)...

It's like you are a whole different level of mature Choco. As if T&T are pre schoolers at some stupid self focused game while you see the whole world around you.

Glad today went well. The truth is not easy for you or PIL but it will be more freeing than more lies and deceit.

I am LOVING the T&T label. It's so discreet but so apt. Cheers Lovethesea :)

Thanks for the support everyone, I'm working away at my life coaching qualification tonight and plotting my future business. And I feel good. Like, really, really good. I know this is the up-swing bit (I always get it after a particularly vile episode with T&T) where I think eff them and eff their effing lives to the far side of eff... But it's really powerful. It's like I come off the adrenaline rush, feel pretty feckin awful for a day or two and then get all fired up to make sure my life is even MORE fabulous than they could possibly imagine.

I viewed a particularly gorgeous pre-prep independent school today with DS1. He gets the preschool funding in Sept and this place accepts it, regardless of whether the children progress up the school, so I thought I should go check it out. Not surprisingly, it's eye wateringly expensive as they go up the school which I'm sure puts off loads of parents from even looking at reception class.

You've guessed it, it was so incredibly beautiful I now desperately want him to go!! And he went straight in there, played happily with everyone and everything...cried when we had to leave. Hi LOATHES his current nursery and cries going in. To top it off, the headmaster told me that usually they ask for a trial day with new pupils but he had absolutely no qualms about offering DS1 a place in Sept if I want to take it, that he is a credit to me and he is obviously a super confident little chap. I reeeeaaally want to say YES! I'll take it! But perhaps I should do some sums and have a practical think about whether I think I can rake in the extra 24K a year it would probably cost me to send two children there a few years down the line...

Oddly enough I think I'm more likely to achieve it on my own that I would have been with twunt.

Well done you - you're so assertive but in a wonderful non bossy way! Did ILs ever bring up the "mummy turtle" debacle?

It might sound cheesy - but you are flipping inspirational!

Best thing I ever did with XDH - affectionately referred to, even by my lawyer as 'FUCKWIT' was never never rant to the kids, slag him off or even criticise him - to everyone else, of course, but never to the kids...
Paid off as my 12 year old DH said the other day, it's so hard for Z at school as her parents are splitting up and they are so horrid about each other, I'm so pleased you havnt ever done that...
(I cant polish my halo too much as I may have dropped the odd snide comment about the OW though..)
So hold your course as you are doing amazingly!

no, we didn't discuss the mummy turtle bit. They know it's happened, they are just as disappointed as I am I imagine. No further comment was made... bamboozled you are more than entitled to polish your halo :) it's unbelievably hard work to be positive about daddy when he's a fuckwit!

Thank you - did mean my 12 year old dd, hadn't taken up with a toyboy!!

I wonder if "disappointed" will ever develop into them telling the fuckwits off?!!

Another one who's been following your threads, and blog, and amazed and inspired by your strength and resilience.

I had assumed T&T stood for Twit & Twat...

Twunt and Turtlehead actually but I like yours too :D

I don't know Midwife, but I think they have done in the past only to suffer an avalanche of abuse themselves... anyone remember when he told MIL that she was responsible for his failed marriage, due to being a shit mother? That was a fairly low point. I think the poor PIL have been battered about emotionally through all of this as well :(

golly all the blog readers coming out of the woodwork makes me think I should make more effort and go update!! I've not posted there since Christmas.

Well done Choco. They obviously really do want to make the effort to remain on good terms with you which is great. Trouble is, blood is always thicker than water, so while they will be disappointed in him, he is still her son.... even if he blames her for everything

I haven't pulled off my table leg yet, but if you are joining everyone, I might as well too .

Don't suppose there is any chance you can hit STBXh for the school fees ?!

Yes they're probably sick of being bullied by him too. I'm sure when your book has sold millions of copies the school fees will seem like peanuts!

no chance of hitting him for fees, because he a) doesn't earn as much as it would cost! and b) would object completely on the basis the school is too posh.

any agents reading this perchance?

It seems like you have a very nice life and its only going to get better. You are doing fab

Oh well. Better get started on that book then!

Oh and remember us all in the books credits won't you?

I haven't read all this thread but just wanted to say well done. There is no worse feeling I have done this as well. It also made me feel lots better that the next time I visited exh's flat I said can I just use your loo, and wee'd in her facial wash and on her tooth brush,

Coco, dignified and honest as ever. You are a remarkable woman.

I have 'lost' your blog, though I have looked for it since you started it. Any chance of a link? Really sorry

Queencat - fantastic!!
I sent a bag of my underwear once, I mixed up the bags, one with the kids clothes I sent for the weekend as they were too tight to buy their own, and one with my underwear in it, so I went away with their PJ's and ex and OW had my knickers all weekend. . Not sure what they thought 'the message' in that was...

Oh Queencat - I just snorted out loud about that one!

Bamboozled - I hope they thought it was "Knickers to you!"

I wish I'd done some of the things I thought of doing when I had to leave my dream-forever house to let the ex and the OW move into it - but he accused me of thinking of doing stuff, so I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of me doing it so he could be right. I thought about it though! I considered the cress in the carpet, prawns in the curtain rail, rat in the water tank (one of my friend's suggestions); and even radioactive phosphorus under the loo seat (another friend's suggestion) but that really would have been a step too far!

Problem was, as it was by accident - it wasn't my best underwear, more along the lines of M&S five pack with rather old bras - [died of shame] - if I was doing it deliberately I would have had so much fun buying fancy pants .... !

Queencat, I can't possibly approve of that minxy behaviour but anyone out there contemplating getting involved with a taken man, be afraid, be very very afraid that Queencat doesn't inspire a lot of copycats!

qUEENCAT that is inspired!! I would never be brave enough lol.

Good morning to you all, I hope you are less grey and wan looking than me.

Had to suppress some pretty apoplectic rage today when DS1 ran into my bedroom, switched on the light and yelled "I'm a little bit awake mummy!!" at 5am. Waking up DS2 in the process, who I'd just managed to settle back to sleep.

We are all still up. Ugh... not enough coffee in the world sometimes!!