tomorrow I hand over my children to the OW for the first time

[chocoreturns]

I don't know what else to say, just need a hand hold tonight.

OW and STBXH are now house hunting 15 mins from my house, and spending EOW with my baby and DS. They have been lying about her being there right up until today. I finally reached the end of my tether, while listening to DS1 tell me all about house hunting with OW all day, having been told he was with only his dad and granny.

So I called STBXH and told him I'm over it, it's time to stop pretending I'm an ogre who can't bear to meet her, and to bring her to handover. If she's going to be on my doorstep and having my children in her home, I need to know who she is. She took my baby DS2 swimming with his dad today - it was his first swim. I am far beyond anger now and I'm just sad about it all :(

Not sure what to say to her, but I would like to take her to one side when STBXH is putting the kids in the car, and say look - I know you and I aren't going to be friends, but my children are my priority, and I need to know they are safe and happy when they're not with me. If you ever don't know what to do, or you're on your own with them and you think they need me, please know that it's ok to call me and I'll be fine with you. Then give her my number.

Is that mad? Or sensible and mature?

This is a moment I need a mumsnet straw poll :(

Thinking of you today. X

Hi Choco,
I havent posted for ages but am keeping up to date with you. I just want to add my admiration along with the others for the way you keep handling things. Your boys are so lucky that your their mum.

I hope coffee goes well x

Good luck today choco. I've just re read all your threads and blog ( not a stalker honest) and you have such grace and dignity it is unbelievable!

P.s. if you ever want to raise the chair leg wielding posse, I'm in.

Hope coffee goes well x

thanks all, I'll be back to report later... x

Morning Choco, hope it goes well.

Waiting patiently to hear back, don't leave us in suspense for too long!

Having an MN browsey morning, got repairmen here, making loads of noise so I can't work, well that's my excuse.. Lots of interesting threads today but always keen to hear your updates Choco. There's someone in chat who's husband has basically decided he doesn't want to have a child with her, she's 14 weeks pregnant and just discovering what an absolute disgrace he is.

So many complete shits out there who spread their sperm but won't face up to their responsibilities.

There's another thread asking what we would want girls to know.

Sadly, they need to know that no matter what decisions they make about themselves, their future and the people they choose to share their lives with, they must always have the confidence and capacity to be self sufficient should the need ever arise. You're living proof Choco of what girls need to be capable of, your strength is inspiring.

Goodness choco, you absolute star!

I'm pretty sure I remember your previous thread(s) and am oh so sorry the way things are going. I don't know how it is that men like this do get away with behaving like utter twatbadgers, nor why they feel the need to. It's just tragic.

You, though, are doing a grand job. Despite the heartwrenching awfulness.

I hope things go well with your MIL today and yes, I agree that she is unlikely to want her son's shittiness spelled out to her - my MIL has a shitty son too (not DH, his brother) and she just gets defensive over his appallingness (alcoholic abusiveness, complete wastrel, user, sponger, embarrassment to her etc.) because he's her boy. So is DH, of course, but even he can't say too much to her about his brother without her going fully on the defensive. We have a restraining order against him coming to the house because of his violent tendencies when drunk.

Anyway, that's an aside - I hope your MIL does decide to stay friendly with you (genuinely, of course) - but I agree that moving away from needing their support in any way is the best plan. Then you can choose whether or not to stay in touch if they ever overstep the line again.

You have such clarity of thought... you are brilliant. You are very kind and generous and your DB's will grow up like you, not him!

Hope the coffee goes OK!

Hello Choco. I've been referred to your thread from mine. You're probably getting bored with hearing this now, but you are so brave and dignified and you sound like a brilliant Mum.

My Twunt (known affectionately as the Chunt, for it is he who took all the Chutney) left me 4 days before I found out I was pregnant. We were undergoing fertility treatment. He left me for OW who was at that stage 5 months pregnant. I had no idea he was having an affair. Anyway, I'm now 33 weeks pregnant and facing life as a single parent. Chunt is still with OW , who has since had her child. She doesn't know that his wife is expecting,.......

I relate to many parts of your story, but understand how important it is to disengage from the Twuntery and head fuckery. My Chunt has contacted me on and off during the last few months. The contact has either been threats (I'm not paying the mortgage, I'm going to divorce you, don't go ahead with the pregnancy etc), to pleading 'pity me' emails (I miss you, I miss holding you, I've lost my one great love). I don't trust one word he says - like you say it is all only about him. It is only necessary to engage with these prats on the bare necessities. My Chunt still wants control over me and I'm determined he is never ever going to have it again.

Thing is I am also finding the keep dignified/restrained versus not being a pushover quite difficult at times too.

Anyway, just sending you lots of good vibes and hand holding. MN is a godsend, isn't it?

Lou x

[adds people to the Posse mailing list ]
[adds nails to chair leg]
[bides]

Hope it went ok - remember no one is allowed to manipulate you no matter how much they dress it up as "support"!!

Donkeys' furniture all erratically leaning, for want of 4th leg.

[stands next to blackcurrants, sharpening nails]

Hope it went/is going well Choco!

Another one stopping to say how great I think you are. Bloody marvelous- I so admire your dignity and strength. You're an inspiration, truly.

Add my name to the chair-leg gang please. Am welding one in each hand. One for him and one for turtle-head (bloody great name for the waste of space).
Xx

Dunno about table leg.

I'd happily use my own limb to give these arsehole user men a good shoe'ing.

Hope you're ok Choco.

And you, Lou. Dreadful experience. I really feel for you.

Glad you see through his total deception.

Loonytoonie

Hi Choco, so very sorry to hear how hideously this has progressed. He is beyond despicable.

And as for 'MummyOW" - she is a real nasty piece of work. This all sounds deliberately spiteful.

I have one of those chairs that's on one BIG leg with four sticky outy bits for the wheels think could do some damage with that

hahaha you guys rock. Well, the wee un's are in bed nice and early, which is rather incredible, so I have the benefit of a quiet 15 minutes to update you. It wasn't too terrible seeing the PIL at all in the end.

Once I'd made a welcoming tea for all, we had a chat about the weekend, and I sort of pre-empted anything they might have said, by saying right away 'Look, as far as I'm concerned, I've said what I needed to say, and I won't be bringing it up again. There was no way that I was going to meet her for the first time and be friends - frankly, the idea that STBXH expected that is so ridiculous I can hardly believe it. Still, his take on life is rarely what a normal person expects so there you go... anyway, I don't want there to be any bad feeling between anyone else. I have no intention of raking over old ground from here on end. I'm just very glad I let them both know exactly how I feel from the start. Now we can all be civil for the children knowing exactly where we stand as adults too. [pregnant pause] Anyone for cake?"

Turns out the ex and OW were shellshocked because they thought I'd roll over and play nice. And the PIL were just upset to be caught in the crossfire/fallout again when the sorry pair of them came home all ruffled. The PIL are so over having contact in their house e.o.w and I don't blame them really, although for my own sake I wish it would always be somewhere I was welcome and could vet beforehand :( Generally speaking though, it turns out lovely MIL was most upset at the thought that OW gave me backchat. She's chalked it up to one more disappointment, when she hoped they might (finally?) behave a little better.

We're all on good terms and I have made it through another day, more to the point, I have held my tongue and resisted the temptation to spill my guts to his mum about his behaviour. I have a picture up in my kitchen I want the boys to see every morning and tea time of their childhoods. It says:

Wherever possible be kind. It is ALWAYS possible to be kind!

Onwards and upwards ladies.

I'm another who had followed this for days and wishing things could be better.

I just don't understand what makes these women tick? How on earth can they ever think that this behaviour is justified? It makes my blood boil, it really does

BTW Lou, welcome!! I read about Chunt and posted on your early thread, I'm so glad you've made it through and have your beautiful froggy little newborn on their way so soon. You will NEVER regret your baby, no matter how much you may regret his Dad!! BTW, as far as his dad goes, it will always be about him. Don't ever forget that he behaved the way he did because it is who he is. And you will always be in charge of your own choices, and your choices will always reflect who you are - YOU are the one who will raise your baby, and teach him/her how to face the world (and their dad!). I know that you'll be amazing, because you have the mental grit and determination to be so.

I have a friend who is a retired Colonel from the army (a woman) and I joked to her this year I'd have been a TERRIBLE soldier because I don't have the physical grit. She reminded me that physical grit is all about mental grit, and boy do I have that... turns out you CAN get by on 4 hours sleep a night for 6 months or more, you CAN pick up a 2.5 stone toddler and a screaming baby all by yourself and carry them both upstairs if you need to, you CAN find it in yourself to overcome the furiously violent rage that being woken up every 90 minutes inspires in you, and be a good mum (and breastfeed yet again) all the same. With the right frame of mind, you can even give the OW what for, while handing over your baby for a playdate.

I swear to god, if someone had told me that on my thread this time last year I'd have thought they were utterly mental. But there you go, who'd have bloody thunk it?

choco well done. I do feel for your MIL, she must be so upset at the whole situation, and she is dammed whichever way she turns.

It sounds a little as if they are a bit swayed by Ex and OW, and then once the kerfuffle dies down they realise that they too have been taken in again.

choco

YOU ROCK !!!!!

Choco I hope your PILs realise one tenth of the treasure that has left their family. I love what you wrote above and I am so pleased that you are able to pull a civil relationship with the PILs out of the fire.
Twunt and turtlehead are so deluded it is laughable!

Well done. Another triumph of grace under fire.