tomorrow I hand over my children to the OW for the first time

[chocoreturns]

I don't know what else to say, just need a hand hold tonight.

OW and STBXH are now house hunting 15 mins from my house, and spending EOW with my baby and DS. They have been lying about her being there right up until today. I finally reached the end of my tether, while listening to DS1 tell me all about house hunting with OW all day, having been told he was with only his dad and granny.

So I called STBXH and told him I'm over it, it's time to stop pretending I'm an ogre who can't bear to meet her, and to bring her to handover. If she's going to be on my doorstep and having my children in her home, I need to know who she is. She took my baby DS2 swimming with his dad today - it was his first swim. I am far beyond anger now and I'm just sad about it all :(

Not sure what to say to her, but I would like to take her to one side when STBXH is putting the kids in the car, and say look - I know you and I aren't going to be friends, but my children are my priority, and I need to know they are safe and happy when they're not with me. If you ever don't know what to do, or you're on your own with them and you think they need me, please know that it's ok to call me and I'll be fine with you. Then give her my number.

Is that mad? Or sensible and mature?

This is a moment I need a mumsnet straw poll :(

Aw, yes, those slobbery baby kisses are the best! He sounds like a happy little fella, and you know that's because of you, don't you?

oh that sounds so good! DS2's warm little month-old head is nestled in my neck, burping like a grown man in a bar admittedly, but these feelings are so precious! during the 45 min car drive to the hospital which was also incidentally the entire dilation phase of my labour (!) I focused on imagining the feeling of a baby's head on my shoulder and breath on my neck to get me through the contractions. Boy, those are powerful hormones!

the feeling of a baby's head on my shoulder and breath on my neck

The smell of their soft downy hair!!! Bliss!! I secretly sniff babies heads at work :-)

Being a parent is about putting the kids first, this is what you will be doing even in very difficult circumstances. Do it and be proud of yourself, hopefully this will set the tone for a civil relationship between all three of you where the kids needs are always put first. Do it and be proud of yourself!

Sorry, new to mn, have just worked out that you have done it so well done!

most nights I start with DS2 in bed with me, and end up in DS1's bed when he wakes up at some ungodly hour. I go from baby snuggles and snuffles to toddler cuddles. DS1 likes to stroke my hair and give me 'eskimo kisses', and when I'm tired he rubs his teddy's hand across my cheek, the same way he rubs it across his own as he falls asleep at night.

Goodness knows how I'll ever spend the night with an actual MAN again, because they couldn't come close to the loveliness I get from my baby boys!!

so... MIL text to ask if she can drop by tomorrow for coffee, it was a friendly text. I am just going to take it as it comes. Fingers crossed it's a nice no nonsense coffee. I'm happy to spend time with her, but on reflection, not to justify or to explain myself in any way.

SIL2 just told me I am a hero in her eyes can't be all bad...

Is SIL2 a sister to twunt? She sounds wonderfully sane in spite of it!

Enjoy coffee tomorrow; I hope it's not a case of her coming around to express her disappointment in you now that 'she knows the whole story' (my exMIL ).
Absolutely dont engage in justifying yourself; it will fall on deaf ears I suspect.

It's simple really, phase two of disengagement. I've told the people who matter how I feel about them. It doesn't bear repeating and the whole point in the first place was to make it possible to be civil and move on... so, I will be walking the walk tomorrow by treating it as water under the bridge and letting her know she's a valued granny. who's opinion of what I said to her son and OW isn't terribly important

gosh, don't I sound confident there? lol.

would that I were

Perhaps you could express bemused bafflement about why for the love of god OW is getting called mummy though...

Probably good she's keeping the lines of communication open though, I guess

she doesn't know about the DA advisor. I told stepFIL about the mummy comments. I think I need to not give a stuff though about their take on it, and remember that they are only in my life because they are fantastic grandparents who have bent over backwards to keep my children safe at all times. They aren't perfect and we may not be able to stay close friends, but as long as I focus on the role they have in a good way, I'll be able to steer it away from anything that isn't helpful. I have chosen not to talk about the intimate details of the DA with his mum because I didn't feel it was fair to put her in that position. I still feel that unless I'm directly asked, I should leave his family to make up their own minds. They aren't stupid and wouldn't have gone half as far as they have done this year to help me out if they had no idea.

Gratitude for what they've done will help me more than being cross about their limits I suspect.

I'm in awe of you choco, I've spent the last four days reading your threads and your blog right from the very start.

I'm proud of you for being so strong, and I wish you well :)

I hope the twunt of STBXH gets a bad dose of knob-rot very very soon. He deserves to be neutered for the appalling way he has behaved towards you and your boys.

I actually feel really sad for MIL :( she had a 17 year abusive marriage to his dad, and knows only too well what her son (STBXH )is like, I don't think she could bear it if I spelled it out to her.

@ MumVsKids. That's a vision for me to go to bed with! Hahaha. I hope he does too

choco you are an amazing woman, your boys are so lucky to have you for their Mum. Your spirit and generosity shine out through your posts and really humble me, because I know I don't have it in me to be as forgiving and empathetic as you are being.

Sleep well :) I have two little boys and their love and cuddles are just the best (sorry DH)

MIL has had her share of bad marriage too then? She should be able to see you'd not easily forget OW got acquainted with DS1 by bouncing with her idiot son your ex in your marital bed, surrounded by photos of pfb. Even without you being pregnant by then with DS2 that scored low on the classy-ways-to-end-a-marriage register.

She may be a good granny and a useful buffer beween you and that skanky couple but she's liable to parrot anything you say back to him. Thank goodness his sister(s) showed he's not fooled them and you are still respected.

I hope coffee goes ok tomorrow. She may just be making sure that everything is still ok between you and her. I am sure that they don't want to lose contact with their grandchildren and like you say, you have done everything you can to facilitate contact with them.

If she starts on about twunt, just say, "I'm sorry, I would rather not talk about him today. Would you like a biscuit/piece of cake/whatever you have on offer?"

Glad I made you smile before bed

Hope coffee with MIL goes well today choco. You deserve a break from twunt waving his shitty stick in your face.