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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Red flag or grossly insensitive or what!!!

214 replies

Flabber · 24/01/2013 16:34

Just spent the night with new man, first night, this morning he said you know you are pretty now but you would be amazing if you lost some weight?

I was dumbstruck, he then said so you gonna lose some weight then

I'm a 14

Very upset I will be honest

OP posts:
pictish · 25/01/2013 09:54

He will catch up with you when you have had time to reflect will he?

Translation: I do not accept being dumped by text. I will ignore what you have said to me via your text messages, because clearly you don't know your own mind. You will not dump me. I will wait until I can see you in person and talk you round, because I know what's good for you better than you do. I'm in charge here, not you, and the sooner you accept that, the better as far as I am concerned.

The fucker.

pictish · 25/01/2013 09:55

Keep the texts. If he persists, you may well end up needing them.

Original poster
Flabber · 25/01/2013 09:59

I just will not respond and he will give up if he gets no reaction.

This is why he is single at 49, never married and no LTR n'est pas.
I did ask and he said he had never met the right woman.

OP posts:
pictish · 25/01/2013 10:04

Because they all run screaming for the hills!!

NoWuckingFurries · 25/01/2013 10:04

Yeah, ignoring the fucker will really bug him. Oh what a shame Grin
Yy to keeping the texts, just in case. But well done OP. I reckon you've just saved yourself from a lifetime of pain.

BinarySolo · 25/01/2013 10:09

Please send one last text saying you'll contact the police if he doesn't leave you alone. I'm just a bit concerned he'll turn up at you house or work.

SweetSeraphim · 25/01/2013 10:13

What a cunt! So glad you did the right thing, he would lead you into a world of self doubt if you'd have stayed.

Who do these men think they are???

Well done OP.

NewPatchesForOld · 25/01/2013 10:15

Had time to reflect???? Is he your headmaster or something??? God OP, I'm so glad you recognised this as every shade of wrong and dumped him! I read your opening post to my DP and he said, in his own words, 'even as a man, I am...actually I don't know what I am...I'm shocked and don't know what to say'. This is from a man who openly loves the fact that I am curvy and wobbly and soft. My most hated part of my body is my tummy (after having 3 big babies) but when we sleep he has one hand holding it. I was this size when I met him and he wouldn't dream of telling me to lose weight (and I am 2 or 3 dress sizes bigger than you OP).

Keep his texts, don't be drawn into any discussions, and move on.

Lucky escape.

x

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/01/2013 10:17

"he said he had never met the right woman. "

Correction.... he has never met a woman that would stick around long enough to be groomed... Hmm So he was 49 and how old are you?

NewPatchesForOld · 25/01/2013 10:18

Incidentally, I had an exbf like this...he was always saying things like 'are you sure you should be eating that?' whenever I put anything in my mouth. It got so I would eat in private when he wasn't around, just to avoid being made to feel guilty. Funnily enough he was about the same age as your idiot ex...

Original poster
Flabber · 25/01/2013 10:24

Hi Cogito

I'm 35

OP posts:
Original poster
Flabber · 25/01/2013 10:25

Newpatches, did you get rid of yours?

OP posts:
NewPatchesForOld · 25/01/2013 10:26

Do you see this 'man' in your every day life Flabber? Like at work, or locally? Or will it be easy to just avoid him completely?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/01/2013 10:27

Thank goodness for that... I thought you were going to say 21 and then I'd have had to curl my toes :)

NewPatchesForOld · 25/01/2013 10:29

Flabber, unfortunately not...at least not over that. he couldn't get on with my oldest daughter so I had to end it, but not until he had ground me right down. It was a nightmare being with him, he was mnoody, sulky, and very domineering. In fact (and sooooo tmi here) after we'd had sex he used to nod at me in the direction of his...er...manhood and tell me to clean it (with my mouth). This was in a completely non sexual way...it was degrading and disgusting. but then this was the same man who used to spit in my mouth during sex. Degrading, debasing and humiliating. Run for the hills!

Original poster
Flabber · 25/01/2013 10:30

No don't ever have to see him again, he has some things of mine but he can keep them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flabber · 25/01/2013 10:31

New Patches I'm sorry, glad you have a nice partner now, thats horrid. x

OP posts:
snoopdogg · 25/01/2013 10:36

Just think what an enormously big dent you've put in his ego by dumping him straight after your first shag........

NewPatchesForOld · 25/01/2013 10:39

snoopdog...that's hilarious, it will drive him nutty wondering how she has the nerve to do that. Grin

Flabber thanks, but I only met my lovely DP after taking 2 years out from dating so I could get my head straight and not fall into the same abusive trap over and over again.

x

pictish · 25/01/2013 10:50

He is quite likely to be coldly furious right now OP. Be very wary of him. Do not agree to a meet up for any reason. He might use having your stuff as a reason to meet up, under the pretence of giving it back...or he may pathetically appeal to you for a proper hearing as no doubt he will consider that you are being unfair to him not to let him talk you round discuss this in person.

Here's the thing - you have no obligation to him whatsoever. That's the reality of it. He's new to your life, and he does not suit, and that's all the reason and contact he is entitled to. Finito.

EuphemiaLennox · 25/01/2013 10:51

Ah Flabber, what a truly horrible experience you've had.

You must try to ensure that you view this in your head as a very lucky escape, and one whic you've done brilliantly to extracate yourself from this early.

Try to feel strong and embolden by the way you've taken control now and are refusing to engage with this creep. He is attemting to rengage you as otherwise he can have to control over you, don't give him inch.

His behaviour is vile, and not acceptable by anyone's standards. This combined with the fact his not had long term relationships suggest that he does not conduct himself within the normal parameters of intimate relationships and therefore makes him potentially dangerous, and you may find he descends to even deeper levels of nastiness and shows a odd level of persistence as he can not judge when this should be dropped.

I hope that's not the case, but I think you should prepare a strategy for maintaining non engagement as it may become difficult. I think telling him immediately that you wish no further contact and will regard any continued contact as harassment is an important step.

pictish · 25/01/2013 10:52

newpatches - I am so sorry you went through that. How utterly dreadful. I am very glad that things are good for you now. You deserve it. xxxxx

BerylStreep · 25/01/2013 11:15

He listed your defects?
And told you to reflect!

I think you have had a lucky escape. I agree though with the others who say he will not take this lying down. If he continues, tell him (by text) you will report to the police. Don't meet up with him - there is nothing to discuss.

And don't feel awful about your weight. I would truly love to be a size 14. But then my DH says I have podgkins disease. Hmm

SolidGoldBrass · 25/01/2013 11:35

You really do need to be firm with this man, he does sound potentially dangerous. As I said, he's very llikely to have previous form for abusing women. So send him one more message telling him not to contact you again, and if he tries to do so, give the police a ring on the non-emergency number and tell them what's happened - that you briefly dated him, ended the relationship and that he is harassing you. They will go and have a word with him and if that doesn't make him back off he wil be prosecuted. He has no rights at all to any kind of contact with you and he can be made to leave you alone.

PeppermintPasty · 25/01/2013 12:00

I agree with SGB about the dangerous bit. You were without doubt a project, I am so so relieved for you that you got away this early, but you'll have to put your foot down or he could go on and on. People like this live in a little bubble of their own arrogance, without much of a footing in the real world.

Report the twat to the police if he carries on.

WELL DONE!!