£768.25 on online games

[sweetestB]

I discovered today that from December 2011 - January 2013, H has spent £768.25 on online games. He also spend money on beer, cigarette, weed and cocaine. I don't know how often he takes cocaine, he said the other day 2x a month than corrected to 2x a year. But he smokes weed frequently. We both work full time, I'm always looking for deals when buying anything, DD (5) is on 2nd hand clothes most of the times and I don't have that much clothes either. All because I scrimp and save. When dd was born we were in deep financial trouble (thinking sharing a flat and struggling to pay rent and bills), we got into debt just to move out to our own private rented flat and slowly things have being improving, I managed to pay the debts off and starting saving and we have a nice savings tbh, but it is all my merit and now I'm devastated that H is still so sleazy about money. And we can't talk about it either because it becomes a big argument, he can't have a normal conversation like a normal adult. I called the police twice on him for drunkenness and EA and there is lots of resentment between us but he won't go to counselling, told me to go alone. I would probably divorce right now but he makes such a big issue and emotional blackmail that we can't even talk about it either. I'm not from England and I don't have my own family here, I'm totally lost. Sorry if its long and messy, I'm on my phone.

Sweetest, he sounds horrendous. What does he contribute? Why are you with him?

we have a nice savings

Make sure any savings you have stay 'nice'. If you haven't done so already, get them stashed away in an account he can't access without your signature/consent.

I found out today as I was trying to organise statements and budget for a holiday to my country which I hadn't been for 5 years. I wasn't snooping, I'm always in charge of organising finances as he is crap and couldn't bother. At one point we agreed he couldn't have his card with him and I was giving him pocket money even though he was working full time and I was a SAHM. When I travelled to visit my family years ago whiotut him I came back to unpaid bills and late fees as he couldn't handle it. He is 31 but acts like a teenager. As he got better and I wanted him to have some responsibilities, he started having control of his account again and now look what he done.

He is a good father, obviously not perfect, he loves dd and dd loves him back. He is a nice guy believe or not, he is honest, generous and hard working. He never complains about me spending and never controls the money but this for ne is rather a problem tbh. He is too laid back and just thinks about the present while I try and have more long term goals even though I deprived myself of so much to pay the debts and have the savings that now I feel like a fool. I'm not achieving basic goals like learn how to drive/have a car, invest I'm career improvement just to have the savings as I need to travel to see my family, perhaps have a deposit for a property, or at leats never go back to the times when I had to count the pennies to buy milk, but I'm an idiot aren't I?

I never understand how MNetters can describe their partners as good fathers when they are pissing family money away, and in this case on illegal drugs?! You struggle to buy milk and he's spending mney this way? He is NOT a good father - he's a selfish, irresponsible dick.

Yes. I suppose I say he is a good father in the sense that he is loving, playful, patient to dd and really loves her. But you know when you put up with so much crap you really have to try and see something good otherwise you just kill yourself because you even have a chance to change the situation. At least that is how I feel.

You're only an idiot if you carry on letting this guy blow your money on rubbish while you scrimp and save. A 31 year-old still acting like a teenager is not a good personality trait. A man with a weed habit is a bloody liability. I'm not surprised he gets on with your DD... he's got more in common with children than adults . Did you want to be mother to two?

He'll only think about taking responsibility when all the money's gone and even then that's not a given. You'll either have to remove his ability to spend completely or remove him completely. Don't really see any half-measures.

Sorry... just saw that you've had the police to him twice. Irresponsible with money is one thing, an abusive drunk is not something you give house-room to.

Not wanting to add to more fire but there is the porn problem as well. I told him many times to wipe his history off his ipad and told dd many times not to touch that ipad unsupervised. This morning before I knew it she was playing her games on the ipad with his consent (but he was asleep) and I took it away and had a porn page open on the browser...she was on games but I don't know if she saw anything. That is how my day started today. I just want to kill myself tbh. How do I convince him to divorce and do it on best terms possible not to make dd's life hell. And how can I trust him to be with her on his access days?

You don't have to convince him to divorce or anything else. See a solicitor, explain the full story and take some advice on how to proceed so that you and she are protected financially and physically. If his behaviour is even half as bad as you describe I expect you'll be advised to seek supervised access only. If Mr Great Dad wants to make his own daughter's life hell just to get his own back on you then he is beneath contempt.

A great Dad who drinks smokes takes weed and cocaine.... Oh and has porn on the I Pad

He's not a good father.He's a druggie loser.The sooner you get rid,the better.You sound like a lovely mum so trust your instincts and ditch this nasty man.Most solicitors offer some 'pro bono' or free advice.Take advantage of this and look forward to a propper life with your daughter without the worry of finding crap on the Ipad,having to walk on egg shells and being poor due to his bastardness.Good luck.Mx.

How can I prove drug/porn use? He will be mortified about me telling other people about this but has to be done. I have been trying for so long to sort these issues out, and he is not even keen on have conversations anymore. Also he blames me for everything wrong he does, he drinks/uses drugs/spend so much time on the computer because I'm not affectionate and our sex life is crap. But when I tell him that I got to this point of not appreciating him because of the same alcohol/drug/money issue in the first place he than says I'm dwelling on the past and not moving on but he isn't exactly stopping with the behaviour either although I can say it got a lot better than previous years. The two occasions I called the police I probably over reacted and wasted their time but I just came to a point when I juts couldn't handle anymore and I wanted to send him a strong message. I'm inclined to have conversations and carry on trying to work on it, deep down I don't want divorce but I'm not sure if I'm kidding myself things will ever radically change or it will be like this forever. He has no friends, that is why - think he got carried away with the games and he had a troubled childhood (like me) and I know the lack of affection and sex from me makes him deeply unhappy and he is prone to escape the unhappiness doing those stupid things. I just don't know if it is with fighting or not. If this thread was written by someone else, I would say there is no way this guy is a nice person, but he is believe me and I'm not perfect either, I'm just lost. I'm wondering if I should secretly talk to MIL as my mum is far away and I don't want to burden my friends who can't give practical help.

A man who blames you for his bad behaviour has no intention of changing. Your troubled childhood hasn't turned you into an abusive, drug-taking, money-blowing, anti-social moron ... so why is it an acceptable excuse for him? If he is unhappy and he has problems, the responsibility lies with him to seek help, talk to a GP, get counselling or whatever. It does NOT give him permission to make your life miserable or threaten to kill himself if you leave. You are not responsible for his behaviour, his life or his happiness.

You don't have to prove the drug/porn use although presumably, if you called the police out twice, there will be a record that he is aggressive. Do talk to your friends about what's been happening because, even if they can't offer practical help, that will make it more real. Please contact your family as I'm sure they'd hate you to be going through this alone. And do talk to a solicitor because I think you need some reassurance about personal protection and your rights should you choose to get shot of this 'nice guy with problems'.

You said everything there. Since I met him he has been the 'nice guy with problems'. Promising to change and never changing. I should have kniw better. I feel so guilty I put myself in this situation AND had a child. Problem is I'm too patient, forgiving, trusting, probably naïve. I can't talk to friends and my family, I'm too ashamed. Got to be strangers, professionals or his family.

Stop trying to fix him - he doesn't want to be fixed. You have savings, I suggest you use them to set up you and your daughter into a new life

So you're patient and naive... lots of people, when faced with a man doing the 'sparrow with a broken wing' act, will make the same mistake of thinking they can be fixed with love. You'll probably find your friends saw through him a long time ago. As for family, no matter how old your DD gets or how embarrassing the problem, I'm sure you'd never like to think that she couldn't talk to you.

The funniest thing is, I wasn't even madly in love with him and never was. I was heartbroken and pretty much fucked when I met him and stayed with him because I needed company. I wanted to break up but after only 8 months relationship I felt pregnant (sounds unbelievable but had been using contraception for ages before that, so I don't know what went wrong as it wasn't nothing new for me). So I had 3 options: 1- abortion, 2- go back and being a single mother in my country and denying my daughter regular access to her father (the country is far and expensive to go to from here and I wouldn't have any support being a single mother here nor could support myself and a child)), 3- embrace it and try. I chose the third one. As you can see, not a very wise decision. But I don't think I have ever made a right decision throughout my whole 35 years.

There is no point in talking to my family since they are miles and miles ans miles away. They will worry and won't be able to help. Plus I don't want to show them I'm still the useless looser I have been my whole life. My sister lives here but she is also dealing with MH issues of her own probably due to our upbringing. I don't want to be stubborn or come across as I'm not listening or I'm not grateful for all the wonderful advice here but I feel bad not believing people can change and become better, I have changed a lot and I'm working to change even more, I know it is a case of being aware the problem lies in you instead of outside you, and that is what H can't understand. And tbh he isn't very bright, he is a bit thick, and because he is dyslexic (sorry don't mean to offend anyone here and I'm not saying he is thick because he is dyslexic) he has self esteem issues and lack of confidence (which is getting better). Sometimes I wonder if he has other undiagnosed difficulties as he is not quite other men (not certainly like my exes, and I have a lot of baggage), and for the life of me I don't understand how I ever got together with him. Also sex is crap and his penis is really small (or my vagina is too big?) Oh God, there is no help is there? Every way I try to turn doesn't look good. I think if I stop feeling sorry for him, I can get into action with more determination and no doubts.

I'm sure he is unhappy with me too, I will suggest to him to write down the pros and cons of being with so this may shed some light to him on our relationship. If he agrees to a divorce and start looking forward to a new life, things will be less traumatic for everybody involved.

Are you married to my ex husband? Jokes aside, I've been where you are (including all family and friends abroad) and it's hell. The only way is out. You won't change him. I won't pretend that the road will be an easy one but it's one worth travelling as there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You'll need to be strong though. The first step is admitting to yourself that you want/need out. Can you do that?

OhtobeCleo: in which way is your EX similar to my H. Every way?? Does you Ex go days whit out a shower too?? Anyway I'm trying my hardest to accept there is no change, no help, but my default setting is to be understanding/forgiving/helpful/hopeful...or fucking blind/stupid. I think as a child I put up with so much crap that even tough I know for sure that the things my H do are wrong I'm inclined towards kind of accept because I don't really think I'm worth any better. Do you mind if I ask you how is the relationship between you and your EX and your Ex and your child/ren?? Because my parents divorce and my dad didn't bother, I do worry about my dd not having a relationship with her father, after all this is the reason why I'm in this situation in the 1st place.

You need to sort out your relationship with yourself, you seem to have some sort of skewed worthless thing going on.... which lets face it- you can't be. Otherwise you wouldn't give a damn what your DH was up to and you'd be doing the same.

Do you trust your DH to look after your DD alone? I wouldn't. He sounds untrustworthy but you'll know him better than I do.

You need to do the best for your DD and for yourself. He's causing you nothing but mental anguish. It sounds like you pity him - not the basis for a relationship.

You need to decide if you want to give him a chance, lay it down straight for him.