£768.25 on online games

[sweetestB]

I discovered today that from December 2011 - January 2013, H has spent £768.25 on online games. He also spend money on beer, cigarette, weed and cocaine. I don't know how often he takes cocaine, he said the other day 2x a month than corrected to 2x a year. But he smokes weed frequently. We both work full time, I'm always looking for deals when buying anything, DD (5) is on 2nd hand clothes most of the times and I don't have that much clothes either. All because I scrimp and save. When dd was born we were in deep financial trouble (thinking sharing a flat and struggling to pay rent and bills), we got into debt just to move out to our own private rented flat and slowly things have being improving, I managed to pay the debts off and starting saving and we have a nice savings tbh, but it is all my merit and now I'm devastated that H is still so sleazy about money. And we can't talk about it either because it becomes a big argument, he can't have a normal conversation like a normal adult. I called the police twice on him for drunkenness and EA and there is lots of resentment between us but he won't go to counselling, told me to go alone. I would probably divorce right now but he makes such a big issue and emotional blackmail that we can't even talk about it either. I'm not from England and I don't have my own family here, I'm totally lost. Sorry if its long and messy, I'm on my phone.

I'm sorting myself. I've been to the GP. I done 3 blood tests and I'm awaiting results. I'm booked to an appointment by phone in the next week to talk to someone about my struggles and they will assess what treatment I need if any. H's attitude is 'I don't believe in doctors', so as for now, he isn't supporting me nor thinking about seeking help for himself. I gave him some food for thought and told him to have a think and come talk to me when he is ready. We couldn't talk much today with dd around and by the time she was asleep we were both pretty drained.

I wouldn't leave it open for him to come back to you 'when he thinks he is ready' as from the sounds of things he isn't particularly proactive.

There doesn't need to be an argument or a raised word. You need to tell him what you want/need/expect from him and he needs to tell you if he thinks he is capable of it.

He can't 'not believe in Doctors'. That's so stupid. They exist. He needs to deal with his own issues, you are not his mother, he should be looking after himself and his family.

And good for you for visiting the GP and getting the ball rolling. It'll be bloody hard but it's not just for you- it's for your daughters wellbeing as well.

"I feel bad not believing people can change and become better"

It's not a bad thing to be optimistic and hope people can improve. But what made you change for the better, if you're being honest? Was it someone else telling you to shape up? Was it giving birth to your DD? Or was it an inner motivation, 'strength of character' and a personality that was not satisfied to stay down and out? I suspect it's probably some combination of the last two.

You seem so fixated on the idea of your DD having a relationship with her father that everything else - yourself included - is going by the wayside. Try to scroll forward 20 years when she's a grown woman, left home perhaps and you're sitting having a cup of tea together. What will she be saying to you? 'Thanks for putting up with so much shit just so I could live under the same roof as Dad'? or will she be asking you why all she remembers of her childhood was rows, misery, money problems and so on?

Have you ever asked your own mother why your father didn't bother with you after the divorce? Has she told you the truth about him or have you idealised him down the years as an absent saint?

He is the one who gets agitated when hear the truth and how I feel. I don't hold back, not that I'm nasty or anything, but English not being my mother language, I'm just very direct and straight to the point. Whereas when He is the one talking he either goes on and on in circles (when calm) or explodes and says hurtful things to get me. Communication is difficult and it is rare we have a productive conversation. Anyway, he said yesterday that we only talk when I want to talk and that is why I told him that we have to have a talk and he can do it when he is ready and sober as I don't want to waste my time and energy trying to have a conversation when he isn't up to just to avoid a fight. And is not that he is drunk all the time, but when he is drunk he wants to talk and when he is sober he doesn't, so I'm not engaging in this pattern anymore.

cogito I have been changing my ways due the combination of the 3 examples you gave above. I never idealised my father as an absent saint, I knew too well he always being an alcoholic, Bipolar (diagnosed) and abusive to us all. They divorced when we were young and I don't remember much about them together, but mum would tell us 'stories' which didn't do us any favour tbh. He did have a relationship with us however it wasn't regular and had to be when he wanted/how he wanted and for him was more of a chore. He was never affectionate in any way and never had anything positive to say. It was all and always criticisms and power control. He is still alive, leaves alone, he can't handle social interaction. I haven't talked to him in probably 5 years as we have nothing to say to each other. Maybe this is the reason why I say H is a good father: he genuinely loves dd (I never felt loved by my father), he is very positive with her, he indulges her, he makes her have fun and is very patient. And talk to her a lot. He is kind of the opposite of my dad but he resembles him at the same time. Freud would be able to explain easily why I put myself in the situation I am in.

As for my mum's behaviour, that is another long story.

Indulgent, fun and patient with DD when he's not drunk, high, blowing the family cash or being aggressive....? You never know, living apart from you and DD, having to be on best behaviour in order to maintain access, could be the incentive he needs to finally get his act together. All the time he's with you under the same roof he seems to have zero motivation to change...

and blames me for the wrongdoing and lack of motivation to change. I'm going to write my thoughts and feelings down, also print some stuff of the internet for him to read, maybe it will make communication easier when is time to talk. unless he plays the dyslexia card and refuses to read at all, showing than that he couldn't care less.

Anyone thinks is a good idea talking to MIL in private? I don't want her to interfere at this point nor convince her to be on my side but I feel I have to let a family member know where I stand and what we are going through. My family won't be able to help from far away and my friends won't get that much involved in a sense of mediation and practical help. I just think would be better for me if MIL knows where I'm coming from before the whole thing blows. God knows how he is going to behave from now on, I don't think I know this man. I wouldn't imagine he would ever blow money away like this, he just put money down the drain, it isn't that he bought anything...also he started to smoke cannabis once we were married and even the cocaine use came up last week. I had no idea.

You have to be so careful with close relatives. 'Blood is thicker than water' and, quite often, the reason these people are so feckless and irresponsible is because they've been indulged growing up. She may be totally blind to his faults. My worry would be that anything you tell her would a) get straight back to your husband and b) become a stick with which to beat you after you split up. If he only started taking drugs after you got married she may connect the two and - like him - make you out to be the bad guy. "He never did drugs before he met sweetestB!!".... I can hear my own DM saying just that.

I think this is one of those situations where you have to make your decision, take action and then present it to others as a fait accompli.

I see where you are coming from. But the reason why I'm thinking about talking to her is because she knows very well how difficult he can be and how vulnerable is the situation I'm in, being in a foreign country whitout my family. She told me at the time of my wedding that I could count on her but obviously I don't expect her to totally take my side, only be a support for all of us when needed. And I'm sorry, I wasn't accurate on my last post, he did have problems with drugs ages before I met him but when we got together it was established he was clean. It was last year he started with cannabis and last week he mentioned cocaine but I don't know details and don't trust him to tell me the truth anyway. Oh, and about 2 years ago, I was considering leaving to my country for good and I spoke to MIL about the problems, she took my side and confronted him which caused trouble between them. So I'm not looking for her to get involved or have my back, only to be in the know of my side of the story and what is going on.

Actually I can see her advising me to hang there as "things will get better eventuality"

Then she knows there are problems and she will not be surprised when you call her one day saying 'here's my new address'. Use friends and professionals to help you through this rather than his mother. He's going to need her more than you will.

Your mum divorced your rubbish dad when you were young. This, perhaps, is a pattern you might want to repeat. If she or your family think you're being typically useless (!) doing this then they can get stuffed.

thanks everyone. I guess I'm scared of losing her support as he can poison his whole family against me. MIL's brother got divorced and his ex went from being a member of the family to a wicked wich and no one bothered to know what she had to say. I'm screwed.

Why would you care if your in-laws thought you were a wicked witch? What impact can they have on you if you are not part of their family any more? If you and DD are happy, living life independently, able to relax in your own home, not frightened any more and enjoying building up a few savings rather than seeing them shoved up someone's nose..... who cares what others think?

you are right

He sent me a txt and the conversation went like this:

• I'm sorry
• I've heard this 1000000000 times and besides saying sorry doesn't fix problem
• So it's all one side is it?
• I don't use drugs, I dont get drunk frequently and I don't spend £800 on stupid games. Plus I took action to fix whatever problem I may have and you criticise me for this also.

-I'm not criticising anyone, will you be awake when I get home please? -Even if I'm awake I don't think I can talk today -Why? -I'm too drained and I need time.

Any special reason why you didn't finish with 'no point in talking because it's over'....?

Time for what? He seems to have nothing but time!!

He phoned me shortly after the texts saying that he really needed the conversation tonight. I said no, as I need to go back to my tax return and finish it as I have the deadline until the 31st but I'm not sure how long will take me to finish and I'm fed up with postponing it. Also he comes very late as he is on a night shift and I don't want to lose anymore sleep and I need to wake up tomorrow early.
He insisted as he really needs to talk and is feeling bad about himself.
I asked why is he feeling so bad as he was so sure of himself, he didn't think he was doing nothing wrong, and he was entitled to spend his hard earned money the way he wants.?
He than says he didn't know he was spending that much, he got carried away and the website is set up in a certain way that it tricks people in spending and he will show me later how it works. He said he thought he was spending maximum £100 to £150 (which is still a lot anyway) and he is devastated he made such a mistake (I believe in this actually because as I said upthread he is not only too laid back and feckless with money he isn't also very bright. It isn't a casino website is a game you play with other people and I have no clue where the money is going to)
Regarding drugs, it is not clear for me now the frequency of the abuse, he said he can stop, I said I don't believe, he asked if I trust him, I said no, because he has an addictive personality and I believe now only his will power is not enough to make him change, he asked what I want him to do, seek help, see the GP? I said I want him to take responsibility for his actions and stop blaming me for his bad behavior and if he is serious about changing anything he has to find out what to do and take steps, I'm not mothering him anymore.
We will also talk about divorce tonight.
Let's see how things go......

mrscumber I said I needed time

he got his own way then ?

he has decided he is coming to talk tonight, and lo he is coming to talk tonight

not sure how your new "strong" stance is going so far

Well anyfucker sorry to disappoint but I can't take any action whit out conversation. And also I think the conversation should be sooner than later. I know that for everyone else outside my situation the answers are very easy and clear, but for myself everything seems a lot complicated and scary. Also I have no support. I don't even know what support I can have if any in this economic climate since I work, have an income and savings. I'm not even a victim of physical abuse and if I was (all respect to the victims out there) things would be easier, I would have much more support and accommodation. There isn't an OW for me to kick him out. I'm in London. I suppose with my savings I could rent a small flat and after paying deposit, 1st rent and bills, plus agency fees I would have nothing left. And the savings are supposed to be joint as he pay the majority of bills while I save my money. I'm a CM. If I move out I have to stop working asap, loosing clients and having no income. Also is hard to find a landlord who accepts CMs, specially in London where the competition for property is fierce. I already gave notice to clients as I want to close down my business in the summer anyway (and did this before all the recent problems came out) so I need at least to get a job too so I can start to move on. I'm even wondering now if I should close down before summer, tell clients to find another childcare asap and close as soon as I'm free.