Hey, it's the Dating thread... number 37

[lubeybooby]

Of we got - all dating chit chat here!

Proud of you Velvet. Although it would be great at the time, you know it wouldn't go anywhere so what's the point. I must take a leaf out of your book!

Exactly Juliette.

I'll let y'all in on a secret - I have gone no contact with BC, about 6 weeks now... even though he wasn't an arse, didn't treat me badly, we didn't fall out, and he doesn't deserve it.

I just stopped replying.

Even though it wasn't the most painful break up in the world it was still doing me no good and making it a little bit more difficult and/or giving me a pang of 'ouch' each time. I don't like things that do me no good. So that's that.

Definitely no slap needed Velvet! It would likely just make you feel like crap, when you're in the mindset of wanting a relationship, nsa can be crappy to deal with even if hormones say yes

Didn't you know him through work Velvet wise choice.

Lubey I'm impressed.

I should do the same with my Lovely Man, there is only fb left, I have otherwise been NC since September. I know what I hanker after is the him without his baggage and that is not possible. I looked at his fb again 2 days ago, this time him and new gf in the snow. It meant I cried and couldn't enjoy the snow walk planned here. Daft because I don't want to be with him but I still have very strong feelings for him which compete with being pleased he seems happy.

It's not even that fb keeps the communication open, it doesn't. Deleting him is the sort of thing he would be upset about, I don't want to do that as deep down I'm deluded convinced he still loves me too.

and also because he fb is open so I could torture myself even if I do delete him

Hormones definitely say yes (he is a gorgeous boy, I cant figure out why he'd be interested in me even for nsa when I'm sure he could have any girl his own age) but I know it would make me sad.

This being sensible stuff is hard! But I had to start sometime.

48 he's not a work connection thankfully. My work colleague (who is still not speaking to me) is a whole other rather long and sad story!

velvet :) :) do you know what, im proud of you ( i hope that doesnt sound patronising, its not meant to be) and you should be proud of yourself too.

You know what you want and didnt and wont settle for less, thats a HUGE thing, and a even HUGER thing to know it and then put it into practice.

:)

lubes, its true, it does just make it all the more painful, and then at each contact you have to almost start again. Yoga, take a day or two to think, before you do anything, that ' shit, shit, shit' feeling will fade and then you will be able to think clearly.

Oh gosh I do feel pretty shitty about mr complicated. He was lovely on so many levels but wrong. That is just rubbish. I would have loved Nother date with him. I just feel flat now. Shit day at work and now I have got water leaking through the light in my kitchen. Rubbish! Might as well just go to bed!!!!

Not sure how much more pick myself up and carry on sauce
I have got left in the bottle!

ah thanks Watch :)

It really is tempting though. I cannot stress how good looking he is. He even has a hairy chest (I do so love a man with chest hair). And he is 24 - actually I'm not sure if he isn't 23

I did tell him I am really flattered, which I am. Very much so.

Aww Nomore You will have to turn the bottle upside down. You will find more. Its what we do

Nomore, I felt the same Sunday/Monday, really flat, no lovely texts to look forward to or the promise of another date. But have myself a talking to and feel ok again now. Hope you can do the same.

Juliette - block and delete. He has a gf. Huge signal right there.

Every profile stalk counts as a wound opener and potentially worse sometimes.

It's not easy but once you cotton on to how much faster you move on and how much faster it stops hurting when you're not going back to square one all the time, it becomes easier to be ruthless and wait it out til it feels better, which is way, way faster than keeping contact.

I only fully realised this when going no contact after the big bad break up.

Keeping contact dragged out the pain for 6 months.

Just a month after going no contact, blocked and deleted on everything possible - I felt pretty fucking amazing. And after three months, happier than I'd ever been and I could even happen upon items of his in my house that I'd forgotten, or see something that reminded me of him, and not even flinch a tiny bit.

It's bloody amazing.

I LOVED that first moment when I found a card from him stuffed in the back of a drawer, and just shrugged and chucked it out. I could have snogged myself :o

The feeling of power and strength is out of this world.

velvet - true though, thats good self esteem right there :)
really is, well done ;)

and i know it takes a huge amount of effort to not, it would be easier to just do it. BUT, you know its not what you want, not really. So, absolutley the best decision.

I could have slept with chilli boy if i had wanted, i did consider it for a minute, but it wasnt what i wanted, i know i wouldnt have seen him for dust afterwards, and thats not what i want at all.

So, yeah, well done :)

juliette, second lubeys advice, its hard, really hard, but does work and is better in the long run. promise.

You know I was just about to do it so I thought I'd Google him to see it was worth it without other things still there to see. I've just come across a whole batch of stuff (I don't want to out him/me) which is openly published and charts his innermost feelings. It's all there, the entire relationship, the end and the aftermath which still seems to be going on. I had no idea as I deliberately hadn't looked since we finished. Fuck.

Completely agree Lubey

Different situation. When I ended things with my ex of 25 years. I blocked contact for 6 months. Otherwise I may have been tempted to take him back, and I knew he would of hung on to the hope of a kiss and make.

Drawing a line is painful but very liberating

Velvet, if NSA is what he wants and you don't then your no is the correct response.

Juliette that sounds really weird and a total headfuck. Is it a blog? I'd find it very difficult if someone did that so openly.

Well done to all of you going/staying no contact.

Dolly and Nomore - hope you feel better soon. It's always good to have a couple in reserve in case one doesn't work out, then you're not left feeling flat.

Just dropped a bottle of rum in tesco. Shame.

Looking forward to lunch/Lunch with LM.

In other news, it's exactly two years since I split up with horrible ex. Amazing that my life has totally changed beyond all recognition in such a short time, and it's getting better and better (apart from rum episodes and the like). I am so much happier than when I was with my ex, no walking on eggshells and worrying all the time. I can't believe I lived like that for so many years. Starting a new relationship has been hard and quite scary for me at times, but I'm so happy with LM and the way things are going. I have a new house/job/car/social life (still working on that) and generally life us bloody good.

And Velvet, you did totally the right thing. Bit of an ego boost though!

juliette, honeslty, ywk - gah, i googled occassionaly, got very fucked off when he had work published, in a book, that was MINE!!! and he took credit for. It just drags it all back up again, all the feelings come back. The only way to stop them is not not do these things. Took me years to be able to do that. Sometimes i relapse, im determined not to this time.

Ive also just had a massivley abusive email from the one i turned down after refusing to send boob pics to his constant requests. Apparently i need to grow the fuck up, stop being pathetic and leading men on. Stop pre judging them on their messages and clearly have mental health issues.

I have deleted and blocked. on fb.

The gf is a psychotherapist Ffs, that says all I need to know about what I was dealing with.

I know beyond doubt, it wasn't me. I do have a heart which I have to take care of. I don't have the patience or head space of a saint, I'm not co-dependent and I'm not a professional.

Hold my hand please

Velvet you deserve applause.

Ugh, juliette, that's the worst possible case scenario. I wish you had posted here before googling I would have yelled nooooooooooo!

Going no contact means blocking on everything blockable. Texts, calls, fb, twitter, email, any other social network type stuff

and definitely no googling! a tough one as there's no block to remind you, you have to just rely on yourself to remind yourself that it counts as contact and will therefore hurt, in a small or big way, but you never know so it's best left.

hand holding juliette. you're doing the right thing.

deep breath, and just keep on keeping on from here. NO googling. it will hurt and set you back to square one in the process. Well back to nearish the start anyway.

Hand held, Juliette. That must have been a dreadful shock.