The Great Escape

[GoodtoBetter]

I thought I would start a new thread, for anyone who might be interested in listening to my waffling on about my struggles with a difficult, overbearing mother. Thank you to whoever it was who suggested the thread title! I've changed my name for something a bit more positive.
previous thread here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1565077-My-mother-hates-my-husband-long

Yup - just breeze in. To do anything else just gives her an opening.

Now, much more importantly - don't forget that photo :)

Well, 4 hours later she responded to my text with "OK". Don't know whether she didn't see it til then, although why she'd look at her mobile at midnight I'm not sure.

It's a game. Can't let her know my feelings so will pretend I'm not interested.

Bit like dating. :) don't ring her for 3 days. Don't reply straight away to a text blah blah.

All you can do is laugh. Hopefully.

Good - so glad move went well and that you had a lovely sunrise fr your first morning there.

It's SO understandable to want a normal mother - daughter relationship, but yy to comments above about her wanting to guilt trip you for 'daring' to move out. I'd opt for breezy superficial chat for now- maybe in time she'll be able to stop playing games so much (though there's no guarantee of that), and you can have a more normal relationship, but for now, the priority is to build your boundaries, enjoy your new home and keep her at arm's length.

Good luck with the visit today!

"Daring to move out" yy I still have remind myself I haven't done a terrible thing. Still expect people to be horrified and say "you did WHAT?...that poor abandoned woman...what a selfish daughter!". Have to remember it's only her thinking like that. Also need to remembrr that her moping isn't my problem....she has to choose to be happy. All easier said than done though..

you see? don't panic, text as you would do, but not more than once, no call to check.

if she doesn't reply to confirm, don't go. when she pulls you up, say that it wasn't confirmed, so you assumed she was busy.

photo

I would just turn up today for a brief visit as previously mentioned. Not sure what was in your text that she replied 'OK' to, but I wouldn't overthink it. The whole point of moving out was to avoid spending every waking moment being dictated by her wishes and moods :)

BTG - your mother is making you responsible for her emotional wellbeing atm, and it's really very manipulative of her. She is a grown up and her happiness and ability to cope are her own responsibility. The same applies to all of us.
It is grossly unfair of her to put the weight of her wellbeing on your shoulders, and you are quite within your rights to refuse to carry the burden. It is not your burden and she is capable of carrying it alone. Do not let her diminish your life, to build up her own.

Continue to be breezy and pleasant, and willing to help out within the normal parameters, as well do with our loved ones, but otherwise detach.

Well, 4 hours later she responded to my text with "OK". Don't know whether she didn't see it til then, although why she'd look at her mobile at midnight I'm not sure.

I realise it will be very difficult for you to quell the habits of a lifetime, but start by not obsessing over how and why she does things. Leave her to it. You cannot hope to second guess her...and if she has even the slightest inkling that you are trying to, she will grasp that and exploit it to her own means...as has become her habit, and really, the whole twisted dynamic of your relationship.

You have to take control and make this relationship a mutually respectful one. That starts by you being proud that have done the right thing by prioritising your dh and kids, rather than your clingy, destructive and selfish mother. Kiss goodbye to your old relationship habits now, and make new healthy ones.
She cannot control the way you think. xx

Great post, pictish. It is so, so difficult to step out of those ingrained dynamics, but the bottom line is that they bring no true benefit to anyone. Whatever the roots of your mum's manipulative neediness, GTB, you will never be able to satisfy it, no matter how far you bend and contort yourself and compromise the health of your own family life. She is barking up the wrong tree.

Hope today turns out to be nice. You are phenomenal!

pictish and goats some bits from your posts really resonated:

Whatever the roots of your mum's manipulative neediness, GTB, you will never be able to satisfy it, no matter how far you bend and contort yourself and compromise the health of your own family life. Nothing I did was ever enough. A while ago (before DD, now 20 mo was born) I'd sit in her lounge and watch TV, there was a while when I'd use the laptop and MN or read the news online. After a while she had a big emotional upset and one of her complaints was that I sat in the same room but on the laptop, rather than watch TV with her. She "felt lonelier than when she had lived alone" eh???? Nevermind the weirdness that she thought it was OK that I watched TV with her and DH sat upstairs on the computer of an evening. He got into that habit when she injured herself and came to live with us for about 6 months in our house before we sold it and moved in to hers. He says he got fed up because there was only one lounger there so she'd sit in it with us and if we watched (DH and I) something in Spanish she'd get bored and start talking to me and he couldn't hear the TV or it'd be in English and he couldn't understand so he preferred just to use the PC. I look back and can't really believe how unhealthy and odd it all was.

Also this: your mother is making you responsible for her emotional wellbeing atm, and it's really very manipulative of her. She is a grown up and her happiness and ability to cope are her own responsibility. The same applies to all of us.
It is grossly unfair of her to put the weight of her wellbeing on your shoulders, and you are quite within your rights to refuse to carry the burden. It is not your burden and she is capable of carrying it alone. Do not let her diminish your life, to build up her own this is what she has done my whole life - make me responsible for her happiness.

and I totally agree with the idea that the relationship has a "twisted dynamic".

So, today I went over with dcs and she was on the verge of tears the whole time. Mentioned she was taking a lot of codeine. Asked me to lift the dyson upstairs and pick up the cotton buds she'd dropped in the bathroom "but couldn't bend to pick up". Did that and saw she'd moved a single bed in one room and put sheets on it and another and put away all the bedding I hadn't had time to and put up some ornaments on shelves. I said I'd said I'd do that for her on Monday and she said she couldn't live "in a barn".

Then we went out for coffee and to a garden centre and she was saying she'll have to put her pension (not sure which one) into the UK account again as since the talk of referendums the rate has dropped and she's losing money on bringing it out and converting it to ?. I ignored but the pretext is then that she can't afford to pay for help.

Asked me to lift a 6 pack of milk out of the car as said it was too heavy for her. Although apparently she managed it when she went to the flat. I mentioned we'd done an online order and it was very easy. (It's really hard atm to try to find neutral things to talk about...everything seems liable to create a PA retort). Said she'd have to have a look as "she can't cope"..i.e she can't manage to shop for herself..she'll starve to death etc etc.

Dropped her home and she said bye to dcs through tears and was clearly sobbing when she went in. I'll be over there briefly tomorrow as the workman's going over and I want to ask him for some help with something.

I know she's finding it hard, but really....so much drama.

Ah yes, gave her the number of cleaning woman and she said she can't have anyone in yet as the house isn't fit for it...i.e it's too much like a barn...the decoration isn't up to it. She doesn't want anyone in while the house is like that. WTAF???????????

The house is as it was before, the only difference is there's one empty bedroom and 2 bedrooms with just beds.

oh yes and....she was crying and saying she'd have to try and set up the electric blanket on a timer as "I'm really struggling getting into a cold bed". I said, just go up during the afternoon and put it on the 12 hour setting. She looked like I'd suggested she dance round the market naked and said "but I can't go up the stairs an extra time, I'm trying not to go upstairs more than once" so I just dropped it as it's all guilting bollocks. This is the woman who used to go up and turn heaters on and then go up again and read DS a story and can drive to the flat after walking to the pharmacy and then the bank.

As long as you know it's all guilting bollocks Good, that is the main thing. Don't lose sight of that fact!

Ignore ignore ignore. Smile and say 'ok then'.

Honestly it is not normal for a mother to expect to be babied by her child. What a pain in the arse she is.

I know its very hard for you but at least you are seeing everything she is doing clearly and that she is trying to manipulate your emotions. Continue to disengage.

The crying sounds quite distressing for the children and I'd be telling her if she cries again when you take the kids that it's too distressing for them to see her upset and that you'll visit alone until she has got used to the new living arrangements and is happy to see them. I would be limiting visiting to a couple of times a week to let her adjust.
She needs to adjust her shopping for living alone as well. if she can't carry a 6 pint container of milk then she doesn't buy a 6 pint container of milk, she buys smaller ones. That's what people living alone who have difficulty carrying stuff do. Or order online and get it delivered as you suggested. Resist the temptation to keep doing stuff for her. if you had never moved in with her she'd be doing all this already. You'd only been with her for 3 years.
Don't try and solve nonproblems like the electric blanket for her.
She's in a "yes but" state of mind currently when every solution you propose to her problems will be met by a "yes but" answer like the cleaner as to why your solution won't work. The answer to this is to let her work out her own solutions and not try and run her life for her.

I know she's finding it hard, but really....so much drama.

What she's finding hard is that you're not dancing to her tune. You KNOW she can deal with the blanket, the milk, that the house is fine for a cleaner.

And the answer to the timer to turn the blanket on thing was 'yes, that's a good idea'. Let's assume for a minute she actually does have a problem getting up and down the stairs (I know this is bollocks). A timer is a good way of using technology to solve a physical problem. Good for her. I'd get her a couple more timers when you're next going over so she has plenty!

So, popped over this morning with DH as the workman was there sorting out the leaky pipe from before we moved and DH wanted to ask him about some ironwork to go on the roof for the washing line. There was mould (crap damp houses) in the main bedroom, which we'd bleached on moving day and I'd said we'd come back and paint the stain and move the other bed for her.
So, put a lick of paint on and she'd asked me to move a bookcase to another room (I see she managed to empty it herself and move some large containers of paint downstairs). She's sleeping in a single bed at the front of the house and did at least say it was much warmer than the bedroom (with 3 exterior walls, so cold) she had been in. She was fussing though about the window and whether she should have it redone as there's some damp (but not mould) around the built in blind. i just did the "OK, whatever" routine.
But this, sleeping in the other room, not the main bedroom with the en suite....it's just to punish me, honestly it is. The main bedroom is much nicer. It's just to say "I can't sleep in there, I'm too pathetic to change the bedding".
So, left once I'd done all that and now am not contacting at all until at least the weekend as I have a LOT of work to do and I think she needs, like you said rebecca to sort out her own little routines etc. She knows my number.
The milk thing is nonsense I agree. If I were her I would order all the heavy things online (and anything else I fancied) and then drive to the supermarket 10 mins away for fruit, or have it delivered from the fruitshop in the village. (They are very fond of DS and when we went away for a week in May she did go there and told them she was DS' granny and they were very friendly, so she could have some human contact that way.
In the market next to the pharmacy there's a fishmongers and a butcher.
But, that wouldn't be any fun because it wouldn't involved guilt tripping and she might actually enjoy it all.
trib I took a photo today, just for you....now to work out how to upload it!

Regressing to weepiness, go-slow, limited physical activity, what next - near paralysis? She should be ashamed of herself. Like a spoilt child, competing for attention when a younger one needs extra time, extra help. That is quite a lot of energy being put into acting helpless.

Well, "near-paralysis" was how she got me to move in in the first place, remember?

Quite. Well, keep on doing what you're doing, stay in contact and be brisk and bright. Priority job is to get your new home shipshape and work on track.

Your mother is making her life harder than it need be.
She can pick things up from the floor herself with a grabber. There are different ones. There links are from a UK site as I can't read Spanish, but I am sure you can buy them anywhere really.
Reacher/Grabber
dustpan-long handled
[[http://www.essentialaids.com/mobility/wheeled-walkers-rollators.html rollators, She could do her shopping with it, also bring laundry to and fro with it]

Regarding the bedroom, maybe ask her if she would like you to put the single bed in the nicer bedroom? Or is the bedroom she is in the warmest one anyways? Who knows, but remember to get her to write a list of things she needs help with.
I don't know what a 6 pack of milk is, but does it weigh more than 10 pounds?

Stay strong, remember you have not done anything wrong at all! You were there for her for a long time, and you still are, as she is not totally unable to do anything. I think you said she quit doing her PT exercises, so she is not putting in an effort to be strong and independent.

I agree with telling her to not cry in front of the children. (You would think this is something an adult would know not to do!)
I am really happy for you, your dh and dc, that you have your own little home, and your freedom.

Your mother needs some woman friends her own age, and I hope she will meet some, it will do her the world of good to have someone to sit and have a coffee with at that cafe you mention, or even at her kitchen table. Maybe she'll see how lucky she is to have you if she gets to know some other women, because not all daughters and son il's would be such a godsend as you have been to her these past years.
Keep smiling!

Oops, sorry, link fail!
rollators