The Great Escape

[GoodtoBetter]

I thought I would start a new thread, for anyone who might be interested in listening to my waffling on about my struggles with a difficult, overbearing mother. Thank you to whoever it was who suggested the thread title! I've changed my name for something a bit more positive.
previous thread here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1565077-My-mother-hates-my-husband-long

Is this a milk 6 pack?
www.amazon.com/Borden-Shelf-Stable-White-32oz/dp/B002N4AUH4
If so, tell her not to be so dumb as to pick it up. Unless she has super strong arms (doesn't sound like it) she will be straining her back as it is over 10 pounds.

If she must buy it like that, tell her to split the packaging and carry 3 at a time.

Yes a pack of 6 one litre bricks of uht. She can order it online along with othet heavy stuff but that provides no guilting opportunities....

MusicalEndorphins Admirably helpful post there, really, but you are making a fundamental mistake here... you applied logic, common sense and normalness to someone who is not in possession of any of them.

What G2B needs is to fail to react to anything.

Giving the links, researching bits and bobs, making suggestions is getting sucked right back in again.

G2B, you mother has adopted the hair shirt technique.

If she wants to be in a crappier bedroom - her choice.
If she chooses to not put the electric blanket on when she's always done it before - her choice
a sudden inability to carry 6 cartons of milk when she managed PERFECTLY well only a week or 2 ago - her choice
Washing/ironing/walking/talking whatever - her choice

I agree that you have the strongly worded 'STOP the whining/tears' conversation with her, as it's just pathetic. she has NO business guilt tripping ANY of you. You need to go in hard on this and state that you will only pop in when YOU need to, and without the kids if she is unable to behave herself in a proper sane adult manner.

Don't forget: HER behaviour made sharing a house IMPOSSIBLE. Her undermining of you, your DH, her manipulation of YOUR DS, her ignoring your DD, her pick and mix approach to coping or not coping, her emails full of shite to your DB, all of that. She wanted to rip your marriage to pieces, to have your H leave you all so that she could get you as her dogs body all to herself.

SHE did this.

She won't accept this, ever, as for someone to behave like that, to be this nasty would mean that SHE is nasty, wrong and that she is reaping what she has sown.

From the sounds of it, she has never taken responsibility for ANYTHING, not her words, deeds, actions, mistakes out and out WRONGS.

Why would she start now? seriously?

If you expect that she will always be this way, that nothing will ever change, that you will ALWAYS be the one in the wrong in her eyes, then you will be able to detach, move on from this, heal and perhaps even have a fairly OK relationship with her, as you will be managing your expectations and only asking/expecting what she is capable of doing.

If you are expecting her to one day wake up and be nice, to learn from all this, to be the mother you so deserved, you are going to be bitterly disappointed.

I meant to add a smiley there to MusicalEndophines, certainly didn't want to come across snippy or critical!

G2B, your mum will NEVER see how lucky she is to have what she has, people like her are so fundamentally unhappy that they are never happy with anything they have, they want more and more and more. They are literally insatiable.

She would not have stopped when she ripped your family to pieces, she would have continued on to destroy you and your self-esteem.

She does really sound narcissistic, you can't win with them.

I think you could really benefit from the Toxic Parents/Daughters of the Self Absorbed/narcissistic etc books. That and regular therapy with a specifically experienced counsellor.

this stuff is hard stuff, it goes to our very core. You are not out of the woods yet. You need distance and detachment.

That's ok Hissy, I wasn't feeling you were snippy. :)

My MIL was so desperate to be the centre of attention that she'd make things up to worry about; utter nonsense, she once spent 6 weeks worrying that someone had stolen her jewellery but somehow or other couldn't manage to actually look in her bedroom to see if it was still there. We were over there once when she started talking about it, and I offered to go and look with her but was very definitely turned down.

That's your mum, I'm afraid, except she's not a worrier, she just likes to have things to be miserable about. Some people are only happy when they're unhappy.

reading...but have to go to bed. Some very insightful posts, will try and respond tomorrow.
Thanks everyone.

Maybe when she turns down your suggestion to her perceived problem should be.

Ok. Your choice.

Then change the subject. Puts the responsibility back on her and ends your responsibility.

Hope you slept okay last night Good and the apartment is everything you hoped for :)

I agree with not contacting her until the weekend. Even in a 'normal', healthy mother-daughter relationship, you don't have to be in each other's pockets all the time and it really can't be doing your DC much good seeing her in this state each time :(

Really really tired today and have a SORE throat but finally got the go ahead on the translation job, so really pleased. I probably should have quoted higher, but after tax I should come out with 2700 ? for the month's work, about double a month's teaching. Then, hopefully I'll do the other 2 similar sized books. Also got a small job from an old client (100?) which I've almost finished for tomorrow.
I will get the Toxic Parents book from Amazon I think. I'm still finding it hard to detach as much as I should...find myself still worrying a bit or feeling I should contact her or check on her (I haven't) have to remind myself that if we had a normal relationship contact once a week would be quite often.
DS said on his 1st morning here he'd had a dream about M that she was sad we were in the new house, but there's been nothing like that since and he seems to have adjusted well.
I remembered a thing from before. She used to imply that DH somehow favoured DD over DS (not true)..daddy's girl and all that but I think it was what I've read about "projecting" that actually she was favouring DS over DD so saw the opposite in DH...or something
There are other things I've been mulling over but I think of them when I'm not able to post and then instantly forget them....only so much room in my brain atm.

For now, Good perhaps you need to switch off all the over thinking, and concentrate on your work, and fully enjoying your new home. You have come a helluva long way, in a very short time, and you know you will never go back to how you were. That is the only thing that matters right now. As long as you stick to your boundaries, do what you feel is right FOR YOU about visiting, then just put it all to bed for a few weeks. You know that your mother is going to be fine, and you are on the doorstep if she really did need you. Give yourself a break now love.

Congratulations on the new home! Glad work going well, but sorry your M is being a pain. Think you should try to rest and look after yourself, moving, work, the stress etc has been a lot, you need some TLC!

Yes DH much happier. He's doing most of the house stuff as I don't have min am either teaching translating or sleeping. A while ago he started smoking again in secret and I found out and he said he was really down and stressed about lack of work and being useless but i think the whole situation with his mil didn't help. He stopped again. having so much work is good ...stops me thinking too much. have to go to work is will check later xxx

That is wonderful news about translation work, what great timing, congrats.
Am sure DH can relax iyswim even though actually busy.

Argh is it possible to die from tiredness?

Well done re translation!

Thongs will get easier so don't push yourself beyond immediate stuff. Prioritise fiendishly!

Things, of course.

Oh, and at the moment a lot of things can be "good enough" so don't get too hung up.

When things have settled and you have the head space have a look at the stately homes thread.

They talk about being in the FOG. Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

It's the different ways a toxic keep you in their thrall.

Well done on the translation job. Yay!

What I'm struggling with at the moment a little (I don't mean I'm thinking about it all the time or crying or anything) is guilt. I have to fight the habit to get in touch and check on her. I feel I should be in contact with her daily, I suppose because I have been living with her and had her being so dependant on me for years, it feels weird not to be "caretaking" or solving some problem or other for her or doing something to try to cheer her up....
It feels really odd, I have to keep reminding myself that she can and needs to find her own way a little. I can almost hear her voice complaining that she hasn't spoken to anyone since we left (except of course she has, the workman was in on Monday and yesterday and I was there on Monday and she was supposedly going to the supermarket and the post office). As if, people don't live alone and speak only to shop assistants except for family at the weekends. As if she can't ring DB for a chat for example.
I struggle with the idea that it's OK to wait for her to contact me...that it's to up to me to make the running all the time, that I have a job, other work, children and a house to organise. I know she's sitting there brooding about how I haven't got in touch in 48 hours and thinking it's up to me to do it. I wonder how long she'd leave it if I just didn't get in touch....

that it's not up to me to make the running.

Yes, it goes against the grain, no wonder it is hard. It is ok that it doesn't come naturally, and good that you're aware of how your mind is working. My goodness, you've had such upheaval (of every kind), it's a wonder you can even manage a coherent thought. She will be fine, and if she wants to ring, she can ring. And, just to point out, you're doing really well even to have managed 48 hours. You don't have to be perfect at this yet

It's totally understandable GTB.

She has spent a long time manipulating you into running her life for her, and in fact, she feels quite entitled to do so, so she will be outraged that you have seen fit to rebel against her carefully crafted regime. She is relying on you feeling guilty because she has made you responsible for her.
She WILL blame you for not getting in touch. She WILL hold you to ransom over her lonliness. It is going to be a good while yet before she accepts that she needs to be self sufficient....and that's if she ever does.

No matter. You are working towards getting to the stage where you can affectionately and good humouredly think of your mum as a demanding pain in the arse, and be able to roll your eyes and snort at her shennanigans from your own house.

Not many of us baby our mums, few of us ring to make sure they're ok every day. Most of us regard our parents as adults and get on with our own lives....as is NORMAL.

It will come to you through force of habit. Stay strong. xxxx