The Great Escape

[GoodtoBetter]

I thought I would start a new thread, for anyone who might be interested in listening to my waffling on about my struggles with a difficult, overbearing mother. Thank you to whoever it was who suggested the thread title! I've changed my name for something a bit more positive.
previous thread here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1565077-My-mother-hates-my-husband-long

I'm glad you and DB are coming from at it similarly and he understands everything you're saying. Then if she does slag you off all week he'll know not to listen (which I think he's already proved, juding by what you've said before on here).

Glad to hear you're not expecting too much! I don't want to be gloomy. It's just that people like this have form for saying one (reasonable) thing and then warping it into something completely different during their long solitary hours of brooding on all the ways the world has treated them unfairly not that I've thought about this too much oh dear me no

And apologies for referring to you as GB rather than G2B - mixing up my threads!

Yes, DH said that before we moved out when it was all going crazy. He said she's sitting there brooding on it, swirling it all round and round in her warped mind, cos she'd say things that had never happened or deny other things.
Don't worry about the GB thing, I've been following her threads too.

Hey Good, how are things going? Hope you're been doing as little as possible

Hello Herrena, (oooh I LOVE welshcakes, been many a year since I had one). Life pootling along. Had last day at work today til the 1st April! Woohoo, a week off! DB flying in on Tuesday (DS' birthday) and we're going for a meal with DM, but no other firm plans with DM. Going to be vague and just pop in a couple of times. Weather forecast not great so will just take things as they come, refuse to get into a whole series of planned, awkward meals. Tuesday and that's all. Might go an see DH's lovely extended family tomorrow and perhaps a day in the mountains if we get any good weather. Going to sleep as much as poss and try to see DB without DM around. Generally chilling out a bit.
Most recent annoyance with Dm was this week. She bought DS a camera for his birthday. A proper Canon digital that costs (v much reduced on Black Friday on Amazon) about 70 quid, although I can't remember now, maybe it was less...but at least 50. I think it's a bit ridiculous for a 5 year old, but hey ho. I mentioned I had a toy kitchen put away for DD's birthday which is in in May and DM said "Oh, I don't know what to get or where to buy for DD, perhaps if I gave the money you could choose?", which is fine I suppose but I still think it's a bit crap when she puts so much effort into DS' presents. Anyway, seeing as she spent at least 50 quid on DS, I'm thinking I'm going to get DD the lovely toy piano she fell in love with in Imaginarium, but that's a bit steep for us to shell out on. If there's any fuss about price I'll just look all innocent and say "oh, but I thought you'd want to spend the same on them both".
Still loving living away from her and can't believe I did it for so long. Just thinking about it makes me feel squashed down iykwim. And there was always this undertone that we were so lucky to live in her "big house" and that we'd never cope financially without her, but what it boiled down to was a bedroom she felt she could complain about the tidiness of, the kids' bedrooms that I couldn't decorate without her say so or cat's bum mouth and a lounge she had to walk through to the patio. So, no privacy/independence/space.
So lovely to not have to factor her in to everything, listen to her whinging about everything, criticising everything, never knowing when she'd be depressed or moaning about being ill, or in a strop about something. Just basically feeling like an adult again. Happy sigh....!

So, out with the old bird and db (and Dh and the kids obviously) for lunch tomorrow. wish me luck!

Have a great time with your bro. Good luck for tomorrow.

So glad you're about to get some rest, too!

Meal was OK, a bit strained but not too bad and she didn't ignore DH too badly. Had a good chat with DB on the way back from the airport and then left him at DM's house while I popped over to see my friend as she she had a present for DS. As we were leaving the restaurant after the meal later, DB said the minute I'd dropped him off she'd started the bitching but that he'd cut her straight off and said he didn't want to hear it. Which is just as I predicted she would do, sweetness and light "in public" and then let rip with him in the hope he'd back her up.
DB is going to have a nap as he had to get up early for his flight but then pop over to DS' little birthday tea (his best friend is coming over for cake). so we can have more of a chat then. All this helps me when I feel guilty about not seeing her over a weekend for example.

You sound as if you are able to pre-empt every move DM makes now Good, which will make things a little easier to handle. What saddens me so much is the way she tries to set sibling against sibling. I truly cannot understand how any mother can do that. As you know, I have two adult sons, and its one of the greatest joys in the world for me, seeing what great friends they are. Knowing that if I have done nothing else, I have encouraged this. Fortunately, you and DB are fully aware of her behaviour, and will not let her win. You must be sure, though, that she isnt allowed to repeat this pattern with your two little ones. Make her aware that you dont like how she treats one differently to the other. Its a shame, but you really are never going to be able to fully let your guard down around her are you? Still, it`s much easier to do from a safe distance. You sound so much happier.

Whats the weather like at present? Im off to Malaga soon, so hoping for some much needed sun, although my love of Andalusia will see me through regardless. Enjoy the rest of your holidays.x.

I'm sorry to say the weather is shit atm Autumn. It's rain everyday, a quick peek of sun, maybe not. it's not that cold really, but drizzly, which obviously is deeply distressing for Spaniards this week as it's Semana Santa and hardly any of the processions are able to go out. They can't if there's any possibility it might rain, cos they can't get the floats (that's such a crap word for how beautiful they are) wet as they are so old and precious.
DB didn't make it to the birthday tea in the end. I texted Dm after a bit but she said he was asleep and she'd asked if he wanted waking before he went up but he said he'd set an alarm, so he obviously slept through it or decided he was too knackered. It was fine as DS had his little friend here for tea, but I swear to God she was clearly enjoying it, that DB wasn't coming round. If I relayed our conversation to anyone else they'd say I was imaging it, but I'm not. DB gets what I mean, as you all do. Sometimes I doubt myself and feel maybe I'm being harsh, but then she does things like bitch about me the first chance she gets and I have to remember sadly that she's not my friend, that it's all about her. You hit the nail on the head Autumn when you said I can't let my guard down around her.
I still haven't outright said anything about the favouritism as I'm not sure how to broach it, but it may come to a head around DD's birthday in May.

It's been great to catch up with your thread and read how far you've come
Well done!
But I'd like ask a question about the flat that's being sold
Do I remember correctly that it was bought with money left to you & DB ?
So isn't it up to you two whether its sold or rented or done up before selling later?
And who gets the money?

DB and I inherited about 50,000pounds each when our father died. Dm's idea was that DB would fritter it away (which he probably would have tbf) so why not pool it and buy a holiday home as an investment. She then added to it and we bought the flat for about 160,000 EUROS (not pounds). In the meantime I had bought my house with a mortgage and she loaned me the shortfall of about 50,000. So, i had a property in my name, with a mortgage and so the flat was put in his name. Still a bit wonky obviously as it meant he had a flat in his name with no mortgage, whereas I had a mortgage to pay (not that I cared, but anyway). So the idea was that if I needed a hand, she would help me out a bit financially. Then I sold my house (at a loss) to move in with her and look after her. I was left with about 50,000 pounds in the bank and she changed her will so I would inherit her house outright on her death.
But now it's left that DB has a flat that will almost certainly be worth more than 50,000 pounds and she wants to save up to help him buy another property when he's sold that one. and wants to changer her will so he gets half her house too (which he's welcome to btw). It's all complicated and another way to control and manipulate us.

Sorry I didn't get back here in a timely fashion Good! I'm glad you have been taking the opportunity to chill out.

Also very glad that your DB is shutting DM down in a firm fashion - it annoys me slightly that (IME) men have more success with this tactic than women do! I'll bet she is enjoying the potential for drama. You've got her number though

Whoops, x-posted.

Just avoid all the financial stuff would be my advice - far too dense a thicket to push through.

No, agree absolutely Herrena, was just trying to explain to Madonna. I don't want it (or the strings attached) and never have. Just FBooking DB now he's awake.

Jolly good. I can send you a welsh cake recipe if you like, they are dead easy to do

It would be nice if GTB could afford to ignore all the financial stuff, but she worries about money all the time, and getting a fair share of her fathers legacy would reduce her stress levels a lot
GTB , when you say DM lent you 50k, is that something you have to pay back?
Does your brother think the arrangement is fair?

No, I don't have to pay it back. I worry a bit about money but I shouldn't really, there is money in the bank and we manage OK. DM is fucking pathological about never "wasting/losing" money and it's not healthy and I'm really working on not having attitudes like that.
On a good note, I've been paid the first half of the translation and am proofing the publisher's version now, so hoping I'll get the other 2 books to do at some point.

I'm glad that your cash flow has improved
It's just that your late DF chose to leave that money directly to you & DB but his wishes were overruled
You also say that DM loaned you 50 k to buy a house, but in reality that was your own 50k from DF, but she managed to twist it round & make it a source of obligation to her, which she later cashed in when she guilted you into selling the house & moving in with her
She's also still trying to control you with promises about leaving you her house in her will, but she might live to 110, it might have to be sold for care home fees, she might threaten to change her wll, leave it DS etc
I'm not saying this because I think you should confront her over the money, but more that I feel you should unravel the financial knot inside your own head so as to reduce your feelings of obligation and guilt
(but who is getting the money when the flat is sold?)

My useless DF didn't leave us anything, He died intestate having recently remortgaged with no mortgage protection so he could spend more money drinking and gambling. There was no thought or planning or legacy. When DB sells the flat he will get the money and reinvest it in a flat in Dublin and that suits me. I will end up worse off, but I don't care. I want out of this web of control she has spun. You are right, every time I feel guilty about not running after her or calling her, I will remember that she has effectivly shafted me and also remember how keen she has been to bitch the second she has DB alone. Poor DB, No doubt she's cracked open the wine and is giving him a maudlin earful as we speak ;)

Sorry for harping on, it's great that you're using these financial manipulations to help you detach.
Seems your brother is the golden child now
It's great that you can detach from the unfairness of it all by focusing on the strings that come with it

But do be on the lookout for similar golden child / scapegoat financial treatment of her DGCs

Well, that's partly what provoked me to move out. I think it's starting with the whole camera (50 quid she said to DB) but, "oh just choose something for DD and I'll give you the money". Am going to choose to the same value and see if there's any quibbling.

But even if you do get something the same cash value, she's still put lots of thought & effort into one & zero into the other

Must be very hard

GTB, I havent been on here for ages, but just did a quick catch up. You and your family are so much better for not living with that woman, and your mental health (all of you) is what really matters. I really admire you for what you have done.

Your 'D'M reminds me of a particularly toxic aunt, also Irish, who has managed to manipulate her entire family for the past 60 years. Good on you for escaping.

Yes, I am finding it hard to deal with and to understand. She's not actively unpleasant to DD or anything but it becomes clear she favours DS by the amount of mental space he occupies in her mind as opposed to DD, iyswim.