Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The Great Escape

734 replies

GoodtoBetter · 18/01/2013 07:24

I thought I would start a new thread, for anyone who might be interested in listening to my waffling on about my struggles with a difficult, overbearing mother. Thank you to whoever it was who suggested the thread title! I've changed my name for something a bit more positive.
previous thread here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1565077-My-mother-hates-my-husband-long

OP posts:
tribpot · 09/03/2013 22:14

Understandable, but I think this is why AutumnDreams is right. At some point it won't be possible just to push this under the carpet any more; you may need simply to pick the moment that's best for you to have it all out.

Original poster
GoodtoBetter · 09/03/2013 23:06

I know...words will have to be had at some point, but not just now.

OP posts:
Lavenderhoney · 10/03/2013 06:10

I've been a lurker and impressed with you:) just had to say you probably need to control the week with your db - do the lunch as planned and say the dc are excited about it. Skype your db so he can think of ways to see you as well.

Will he have a car or bike? Plan the activities you want with the dc, then arrange them round it iyswim. If she expects your db to spend every waking moment with her she might be in for a shock- you did mention he was quite firm with her? Best to talk it through with him so you have an idea of how to react to any drama. Good idea re walks ending with a picnic she can come to at the park maybe? But let him drive it too- he might want to see his flat? Would he spend a couple of nights at yours, even on the sofa?

She won't like it, but it's right you see him alone. She will think you are discussing her:) my dm wouldnt let me see my siblings alone and refused to give me their contact numbers " I'll tell them- what do you want to say?"

Email and Facebook are the devil to her:)

2rebecca · 10/03/2013 10:11

I think the answer to why you don't want to come over every day for lunch is easy "because you and my husband don't get on and I moved out so we aren't living in each other's pockets any more. This is part of me moving away mum, I have lunch at my house now. I want to spend some time with my husband during the holidays".
Things generally sound as though they are going well. In the general scheme of life not going to her house for lunch every day isn't a big thing. Don't build it into a big thing in your head just because she builds it into one in hers.
You don't live with her anymore and you and your husband now decide when you eat with her. The plan of inviting your brother round to do some active stuff with you sounds fine. It sounds as though she builds mountains out of molehills, you don't have to let her worries be your worries. Enjoy seeing your brother but do it on your terms.

Original poster
GoodtoBetter · 10/03/2013 20:08

Finished the translation! Whoop whoop! Yes, rebecca I should probably just say that, I know I'm skirting round things and avoiding confrontation but I feel like life's been so crazy for so many months now. I just want to have a moment to catch my breath so to speak.

OP posts:
tribpot · 10/03/2013 20:45

Well done GoodToBetter! What a huge achievement!

2rebecca · 10/03/2013 20:57

Excellent

Original poster
GoodtoBetter · 10/03/2013 21:06

57,316 words and teaching and marking exams and writing reports and moving house has nearly killed me, but I did it! Going to enjoy having mornings free for a while! Plan for tomorrow is dyeing hair and sorting out wayward eyebrows and then slobbing on sofa with tea and biscuits...bliss!

OP posts:
tribpot · 10/03/2013 21:13

Dyeing your hair just to lie on the sofa seems like it's the wrong way round somehow Grin

Original poster
GoodtoBetter · 10/03/2013 21:20

It's a maintenace thing, trib I am sooooooo grey at the mo!

OP posts:
MusicalEndorphins · 11/03/2013 01:37

GTB, perhaps phone your DB before he departs for Spain and suggest that he suggest, during the birthday lunch, that "the guys" get together for a beer one day. The beer can be at your place so you and your dh can talk to your brother without her around, but she doesn't need to know that until afterwards, that they decided they may as well just stay at your new apt. rather than go somewhere.

Original poster
GoodtoBetter · 11/03/2013 09:04

Yes, going to skype DB this week and have a chat about it all.
On other subjects...remember all the hand wringing and wailing about how she was an invalid and couldn't manage before we moved? Well, in the nearly 2 months since we moved she's been doing all her shopping herself (not online), has emptied the lounge of furniture, had it redecorated and moved all the furniture back and hasn't needed a cleaner (and I go round there and it's not dirty).

OP posts:
WingDefence · 11/03/2013 09:50

Hi GTB - good to hear that you all seem to be moving on ie your mum's also regaining some independence from all this.

I can't really offer much advice about the situation with your DB's visit but just saying that you would like to spend some time one-on-one with him should be understandable? Or for DB to spend some quality time with his niece and nephew?

Hope you have a great day pampering yourself :)

tribpot · 11/03/2013 17:37

She does better than me! Glad she's not pulling out all the stops to pretend to be more helpless.

Skygirls · 11/03/2013 22:11

I've been lurking and I have to say you are one incredibly brave lady, G2B . The strength and courage you've shown in these last few months, standing up to your manipulative DM is amazing.
No person has the right to take over someone's life like your DM did to you, even if they are your mum.
Bravo to you! I'll bet that you are an inspiration to other mners who may be in a similar situation.
Keep up with the strength and I'm wishing you and your DH and DCs all the very best for a happy future.

You know, you could write a book about your past trials. Smile

Original poster
GoodtoBetter · 11/03/2013 22:31

Aw, thanks sky Blush, but I'd never have done it without MN. It was the MNers who helped me see it for what it was, the manipulations, the FOG. And I really was in the FOG Fear, Obligation and Guilt. I was terrified at the beginning, I really was...not sure of what, but I was. I remember someone on MN saying, way back in September on my 1st thread that although I didn't want to hear it, the only answer was to move out, that I might want to hear it then, but it would come to that one day or another. I remember thinking...no, I can't. But sure enough, they were right.
So thank you MN, you really saved me and you continue to support me and buoy me up. Thank you. Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
GoodtoBetter · 14/03/2013 22:57

It's me again. I hope nobody minds me wittering on. It helps me to write things down. All is well. Saw DM today and we had a perfectly nice time, she showed me the new pictures she had framed and I admired them and then we went out for a coffee in her car and I helped her do her tyre pressures. She brought up the Easter week by saying: "I mentioned you coming over here for a meal, but you didn't seem very keen". So, I just said that we were hoping to have some days out and she said she totally understood and perhaps DB would like to go too. So, all good.
Skyped DB and had a bit of a chat and explained I didn't want to be rude to her, but didn't want to be in each other's pockets and wanted some time with DB without her and he said he'd make sure we got that. So all good. Gorgeous weather at casa G2B..loving the rooftop!

OP posts:
tribpot · 14/03/2013 23:56

All good, GoodtoBetter! A much more 'normal' conversation.

Skygirls · 14/03/2013 23:58

Great news G2B. Have a fantastic Easter hols and hope things continue to be better for you.

wheredidiputit · 15/03/2013 07:29

That's good G2B, sounds like you and your brother are singing from the same hymn sheet.

P.S. would you be so kind as to send some sun and warmer weather please. So fed up with cold snowy showers Grin.

Have a good Easter.

Jux · 15/03/2013 08:47

Excellent, G2B. That all sounds so normal! Perhaps you and your mum can have a good relationship...

AutumnDreams · 15/03/2013 15:34

I`m so happy for you Good. You are getting the life you deserve. With luck, your mum is finally appreciating what a fabulous life she has too. I truly envy her living where she is.......in the nicest possible way of course!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/03/2013 15:42

Hi there,

Felt it was time I'd take a step back, (was worried I'd project own personal memories and feelings) but have lurked and sent positive vibes!

Keep on keeping on Good Thanks great to see you on here handling things well, everything's so much brighter than a few weeks' ago, well done.

Herrena · 15/03/2013 15:49

Umm... sorry to be the voice of doom GB, but that sounds a bit too good to be true. I've had reasonable-sounding conversations with my M before and later on found out that she'd been berating me to my sister/father/aunt for being so terrible. Obviously I hope she is being genuine, but....hmm. Don't be too hopeful, is all I'm saying.

Original poster
GoodtoBetter · 15/03/2013 16:06

Don't worry....not counting chickens. Fully expecting her to slag me off all week to DB.

OP posts: