The Great Escape

[GoodtoBetter]

I thought I would start a new thread, for anyone who might be interested in listening to my waffling on about my struggles with a difficult, overbearing mother. Thank you to whoever it was who suggested the thread title! I've changed my name for something a bit more positive.
previous thread here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1565077-My-mother-hates-my-husband-long

I'd leave it to the weekend - and then I'd give yourself a week or two 'off' from worrying or seeing her at all. You have been so strong and together, and so much has changed - the adrenaline has been keeping you going but it sounds like you've almost run out of 'back-up' and need a rest - a bloody hard won rest though

You all help strengthen my resolve. You're right nothing will have changed. It'll be the same weeping or she'll have moved back into anger. My new plan is leave it until at least Saturday and then I think text and offer the same as last week...pop out with her and dcs to garden centre/park/coffee then PILs are coming for lunch.

I need some time for this translation anyway...I need to be doing about 2000 words on it everyday. (That's on top of 4 days week teaching and all the other stuff)

Would DH consider going with you? To give a united front? After what you said about her pretty much wanting to split you both up, him coming along and being a reassuring presence for you and the DCs, as well as showing him that you actually want him there and she isn't coming between you, could be a good thing?

I have no perspective on this obviously..but is it not odd that she hasn't rung? In a normal realtionship (i.e not one where she tries to use guilt to control me and is angry I want my own life and expect her to look after herself), is it not weird not to contact me since Monday? Or am I just too used to living on top of each other?

Oh, Good, so many things are odd about her. I'm so sorry she's not a mum who offers her help while you get settled in (and gives it, willingly and cheerfully, and with no strings attached) and then gets on happily with doing her own thing while you do yours. Isn't that the kind of mum we'd all like to have (and be)? If you're angry with her for ignoring you, that's absolutely justified, and part of the long and arduous process of coming to terms with all the crap you've been through with her. Again, so sorry she is like this.

You've been through so much recently, I'm amazed you're still on your feet. Please look after yourself and get as much rest as you can for now. FWIW I agree that it would be a good thing to take your DH with you at the weekend.

Thinking of you X

GTB I've not posted much, but I just wanted to say how well you are doing, and how much you need to concentrate on you, your DH and your DC.

It just occurred to me that it might be better for the DC NOT to see Granny this weekend? if she is likely to get over-emotional etc it is not something your or DH woudl want them to see I think?

It's like a game of chicken.

A game of chicken, that's it exactly. As a rule of thumb if you take it that she's right you're wrong, that's probably the sum of it.

You: Oh hi mum! (Daringly) I was wondering why you haven't been in touch? Is your phone working okay now?
Her: Why's it up to me? I've got my own life you know, etc etc. I can't be expected to run after you all the time, etc. It's all right for you. you've got DH and the DCs, I have to fend for myself, etc.

Or

You: Hello Mum, how's it going?
Her: (Weak voice) Well I'm glad you finally asked, I've had XYZ go wrong and it's been terrible, I don't know how I managed all on my own.
You: Oh dear why didn't you say?
Her: (Forgets weak voice, extreme irritation) Well I shouldn't have to ask should I, etc etc. I could have been lying there unconscious all week and no-one would have known, etc etc.

I may have her completely wrong. It's a shame but to some extent it's like teaching DCs consequences: when we play nicely, things go all right and playmates remember and are glad to include you and ask you to join in again.

You: Hello Mum, how's it going?
Her: (Weak voice) Well I'm glad you finally asked, I've had XYZ go wrong and it's been terrible, I don't know how I managed all on my own.
You: Oh dear why didn't you say?
Her: (Forgets weak voice, extreme irritation) Well I shouldn't have to ask should I, etc etc. I could have been lying there unconscious all week and no-one would have known, etc etc.

^^This is is exactly how it would go..almost word for word.

Keep fighting your instincts, GoodtoBetter! You've been trained into a dysfunctional relationship and this is how you break the habit.

If you want to go over on Sunday - then do so, but given the amount of you have on, it makes a lot more sense to stay at base, recuperate and get on with stuff. 2000 words a day .

Can I go against the consensus here and suggest that you do phone her?
For why?

1. It is probably 'normal' to ring your mum every few days/ midweek if she's old, alone and lonely. I'm not suggesting anything you do here will be taken as 'normal' by your mum. She's not normal. But you want to create a new normality yourself, so I'd start a pattern that you feel is reasonable contact. (e.g. a visit Sunday and a call midweek).

1. You are clearly worrying about her. Fair enough. You're not actually sure what she can really do and where she is genuinely going to struggle because she's over-played her maladies so much. She may actually be struggling with some things on her own and you will be left feeling guilty again if she gets cold, hungry (or whatever).

If it was me I'd ring. Keep it brief. Respond casually to all emotional manipulation just like you were doing. Suggest that you'll help on Sunday if there's anything that sounds genuine.

You: Hello Mum, how's it going?
Her: (Weak voice) Well I'm glad you finally asked, I've had XYZ go wrong and it's been terrible, I don't know how I managed all on my own.
You: Oh? I'll take a look at XYZ when I'm next round.
Her: (Forgets weak voice, extreme irritation) Well I shouldn't have to ask should I, etc etc. I could have been lying there unconscious all week and no-one would have known, etc etc.
You: Mmm. Anyway mum, I was just calling to say hi. Perhaps I'll see you on Sunday.
Her: Weep Moan
You: Never mind. Gotta go. Bye mum!

Point is - would it help you feel better?

Maybe you're right slambang...I don't know any more.

My mum has not called me at all in the last year. Not even for my birthday. ( which is usually the only time she does). She sent a cheque for my birthday as a contribution to my wedding ( something both my brothers decided to remind her about as she gave them money and spent year telling people she put money away for my wedding. But didn't actually give it to me without their pushing.) so I had to call her on my birthday to thank her.

I wouldn't worry about NORMAL. In your case there is no normal. And to be honest, everyone who does like and has a great relationship with their parents spend differing degrees of time with them anyway.

So stop fretting about trying to maintain normal. (Btw that is hard and also unfair that you don't have that)

Your mother has a condition (for want of a better word) and you need to work around it in a way that YOU can handle. As long as you and your family come first you can see her everyday, or once a month or only on holidays.

It really is up to you. And if you try something now and it doesn't work you can always change it. Now you are going in with eyes wide open. If she takes liberties you take a few weeks off. This is an ongoing process. You may make mistakes. Bit it doesn't matter because now you know the effect and take action quickly.

Hope that makes sense.

I've decided to go back to my original plan and I'm going to pop in briefly tomorrow with the children. I said when I was leaving that I was only 5 mins away and she'd still see the dcs and I want to be above board iyswim. I'll have an xit plan if there's any nonsense. I sort of want to lead by example if that makes sense. I want to be honest and upfront and reasonable and give her the chance to make this work by accepting my friendship and the offer of (an albeit changed) relationship.
If there's a whole load of nonsense I'll back off a bit and see if I can train her a bit like a wayward toddler with calm clear boundaries.
I'm sure you'll all pile in with dire warnings now.....
My text just said
"Had exams and translation. Was thinking of popping over with dcs tomorrow?"
And her response was "that would be nice".
Will see how we go.

Her response was sensible anyway. Briefly popping in may help if you'll worry. I would hope with the children she won't get weepy and emotional, if she does I'd leave quickly and visit her without them next time as crying and having scenes in front of them isn't in their best interests.

All sounds quite calm and rational! So do you feel better? Catch your breath and try and relax. Hope you get a good sleep tonight. Tomorrow is another day, you know you don't need to stand for getting pushed around or manipulated, chin up we are cheering you on.

Aye, well I'm not jumping with joy or excitement but I feel it's the right thing to do. If she behaves badly I'll leave and back off for a bit but I want to give her the chance to....I don't know...to calm down and behave like an adult.

Often we are apprehensive and it turns out we feel fortified just by preparing for every eventuality and feeling better able to make our own choices. New month tomorrow, look where you were on 1st January!

GTB, I agree with you. There is no reason to suddenly become cold hearted or "punish" her. You can always leave/hang up if she "acts up".
I have heard that being recommended many times to discourage negative behavior. She will eventually realize that you like being around her when she is civilized, but not when she isn't.
She has been indulged for a long time, and may need baby steps to learn to do for herself. As you may need baby steps to let go of the guilt.
Although, you have already taken a giant leap forward! :)

MusicalEndorphins has captured the essence of why you moving out was so essential to your family relationships: You can always leave/hang up if she "acts up".

You have a choice now. It feels liberating even from here!

Now, back to the photo. Could I DM you to explain your options for uploading it?