The Great Escape

[GoodtoBetter]

I thought I would start a new thread, for anyone who might be interested in listening to my waffling on about my struggles with a difficult, overbearing mother. Thank you to whoever it was who suggested the thread title! I've changed my name for something a bit more positive.
previous thread here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1565077-My-mother-hates-my-husband-long

At the end of the day Good, if not contacting her was really getting you and making you even more stressed when you've got everything else on your plate, then it has to be good for you.

You've done so brilliantly in extracting yourself and your family from that awful situation when you were living with her and if you can set out the relationship with her on your terms, then that's the way to go.

I'm guessing your DH doesn't mind you going without him?

Going over in about an hour and a half...wish me luck!

I think your period of not contacting was perhaps good enough for now, do what you think is right, from a logical perspective.

learn to read yourself, are you reacting out of fear or repercussions?, or are you reacting out of it being the right and best thing to do?

be conscious of your thoughts, deeds, actions and words. Allocate time to your mother, like you would any other task. Get what you need to done, but the rest of your time needs to be spent in things that ADD to your life.

Hope your visit goes well, but be strong and as soon as she starts on the emotional heartstrings, or crying, say nothing more and leave. It's not right for her to behave like that.

Treat her tantrums like you would any other child's.

Good luck, act normally breezy and be upbeat.

Good luck, act normally breezy and be upbeat. and as soon as she starts on the emotional heartstrings, or crying, say nothing more and leave.

Both of these^^!!

Oh, and try to keep it short (one cup of tea rather than two, sort of thing). If she starts crying because you're leaving do not cave in and stay for a bit longer, you will only be rewarding her poor behaviour.

I hope the visit goes calmly, with no histrionics. Not least because you really can`t allow your children to witness any. From your own point of view, the very fact that you have taken over the reins, and are in complete control should make things easier from now on. You have your own little haven, and a loving husband to run to, if you need to leg it!

If you didnt feel some sadness, and yes, perhaps even a touch of guilt, you wouldnt be the good person you are. No decent person likes to witness anothers unhappiness, even when its brought on by their own actions. You can afford to be the bigger person, now that you have changed the rules.

ok, off to see her now..will update later. xx

Good luck.

Well, that was amazingly fine actually.

Went over at about 5.15 (me and the kids). She was making soup and was quite normal and chatty. She's got the same chesty cough and sore throat thing as me but is hoarser than me so we were chatting about that. She's been to lidl a 20 min drive away(shock!) and bought some really nice lamps she was showing me. She also went to the hypermarket this morning apparently (the big one 15 ins away). No complaints about back pain etc and in fact went upstairs twice in the course of the visit , she was also walking well.

I suggested we go for a coffee so we went to the bar 5 mins walk away and sat outside (the weather's v nice) and saw the funfair opposite and threw out her rubbish bag.

She only made a brief comment about the pension exchange rate dropping but not in a guilting kind of way..more just conversational. She mentioned she wanted some new curtains but didn't want to spend loads as she "didn't know if she was staying long term" but again, it wasn't the kind of tone she'd have used before. I just ignored again. She was saying she didn't like the big bedroom without pictures and her prints have arrived so I said we could take them down to the framers some time. I've said I'll take her to ikea on Tuesday as she wants stuff but the journey (you have to go on the motorway and then come back a different way) freaks her out. I don't mind.

I will put Norton on the pc for her, so I've made it clear I'm around for reasonable friendliness. I've said she should come for lunch one day and see the new place, so all very friendly.

When we were leaving and she was saying goodbye at the gate she was clearly fighting back tears, but I do understand that. I think to be fair she made a real effort and I was careful to be v friendly and chatty. Fingers crossed. She said at one point she hadn't tried online shopping as she didn't know if she needed enough in one go to justify it and I was explaining you could do it once a month for heavy things for example and to her credit she said "but I went to the hypermarket and it got me out of the house and I spoke to 3 people", maybe that's a backhanded dig (I have noone to talk to all day), but I took it as a positive. She needs to get out and have a bit of a life. Glad I went over today. I think I'm going to aim for a weekend visit and a weekday visit for now and see how we go.

I've been invited out for tapas with some friends but I'm knackered so I'm going to be really boring, eat porridge, do some translation and go to bed early. I've been unable to stop my brain whirring after work lately and I'm not asleep til about 1am and then DS is up at 7 and I'm shattered.

All sounded blissfully reasonable. Put your feet up tonight Good .

What a brilliant, positive update. Onwards and upwards for all of you from here.

Excellent update. It's good that even when you think a comment might have been a dig you are relaxed enough to err on the side of thinking it was meant harmlessly.

Very important that you get enough sleep, can DH give you some downtime tomorrow to catch up? If your brain is whirring and you're struggling to wind down, make sure you prioritise some wind-down activities for the good of your health! Fave piece of music or a relaxation CD?

That is excellent, G2B! How very positive. Long may it last!

I am glad that went well yay. Lets hope it continues while being prepared in case it doesn't.

Argh, remind me never to go to ikea with 2 under fives on a Saturday again! I have been a shouty sweary mother today. Didn't even manage to get what I went for. Grr.

Ikea on a Saturday is torture.
Ikea with kids is torture.

Ikea with is inhuman! Could they not have stayed with DH?

He came with me, we all went. It was to have a good look at wardrobes. I thought if we were there early it might not be too bad, but we left late and then they were hungry and then by the time we'd walked all the way thru to wardrobes they were going a bit mental. The queue to ask was mahoosive so we got some other bits, picked up a special wardrobe catalogue and left.

Next time one parent has bite to eat with DCs in cafe and the other makes enquiries and picks up small items? What am I saying - it's all pants if they're in the wrong mood .

What a great report GTB! I just knew if she was on her own she would do more. (Sort of like me when the internet is down.)
Hope you recover from your Ikea trip and the cough/cold soon. Remember to put vitamins on your shopping list!

DD and DS are off school and nursery tomorrow as it's a local holiday (I still have to work in the afternoon as I work elsewhere) so have texted to see if we can go and visit her.

Hope you enjoy the morning off.

So, we went over and she was a bit back to pathetic. Not too bad but not as good as last time. I've got what I think is bronchitis or something similar: started as a sore throat, then cough and burning wheezing tight chest. She said when we were over last that she'd had similar but with more of a sore throat.
She was saying today she'd had a terrible night with this unbearable sore throat and she'd got "really frightened" in the night, that she "might need a doctor". This annoys me because it's back to the old, I can't live alone, I'm frightened on my own. I just said that I had wondered about the doctor for myself but that from Dr. Google's diagnosis it was probably viral so they'd just say fluids, cough medicine and rest, but that if she felt she needed a doctor the by all means she should go.
It also annoys me because she's aware I have the same thing but never says, "oh, how on earth are you managing with being ill, working, translating, looking after small children?". Nope, just all about how she's frightened she might need a doctor for a sore throat in the night.
I put the Norton on her pc as I had said I would and suggested going for coffee to get out of the house. She said yes as she "didn't feel up to being alone"...so we went out. She's walking well without the stick and we went round to a cafe and stopped in a cheapy shop on the way. Before we moved out she'd claimed she couldn't walk that far and if she had been forced persuaded she'd have hobbled along with a stick or holding on to me.
It's all still all about HER. All the time.
I'm taking her to ikea tomorrow morning as I think DS will be off school tomorrow with the same thing as me, so it'll be a bit of a lost morning anyway in work terms. Then I'm not having any more visits etc until the weekend cos I just have too much to do and I'm not up to it. This weekend is my big exam correcting and report writing weekend and I have to try to do some translation too. And I don't like this patheticness from her...need to pull back a bit.

Oh, that was a bit garbled. I meant, I was disappointed she was trying to push the poor me buttons again and annoyed that she never asked me how I was, even though I've been unwell too.
I'm just feeling unwell and stressed with how much work I have and annoyed with myself for letting her get to me and agreeing to go to ikea, I should put my foot down, it just seemed easier to take her and then it's done and I'll be "very busy" for a week.

Tonorrow being Tuesday, if you do see her that is quite ample regarding visits this week and hardly skimping on effort particularly bearing in mind your state of health, DCs, DH, new home and work!

Re: health, a person might be forgiven for considering it better for both of you to avoid contact this week precisely so you don't swap germs...

By the way is she likely to come over to your place? Don't want her thinking you are escaping DH's clutches or acting like a homing pigeon in visiting the old place.