The Great Escape

[GoodtoBetter]

I thought I would start a new thread, for anyone who might be interested in listening to my waffling on about my struggles with a difficult, overbearing mother. Thank you to whoever it was who suggested the thread title! I've changed my name for something a bit more positive.
previous thread here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1565077-My-mother-hates-my-husband-long

G2B, you're fishing for DM approval. Stop it. Oit's not going to haoppen, she'll only ever seek to undermine and guilt you. If she needed you, she'd call.

Leave it until next week, have a weekend without her casting her pall. you need space from her, you need to heal.

Break this hideous addiction

Sorry to hear about DD, I had similar happen in a shopping centre, it was awful.

Mind you, getting bollocked by my abusive ex for being late (due to calming of crying, bleeding child) was worse :(

Thank god I'm free of him. Now your turn to wriggle free of your oppressor. :)

Oh poor DD and poor you GoodtoBetter--you really are having a time of it.

I think you need time out from all the stress, leave your DM be for the rest of the week, let her contact you.
Stop feeling guilty, you are and have been a good daughter and she is luck to have you BUT you need to look after yourself and have a break from all the drama.

haha x-post with Hissy

You're right, Hissy...you always are. Can't quite believe I'm "allowed" to just not contact her all week. Not sure what I think might happen if I don't contact her. FOG again.

Not surprised that you're shaken! We get out the habit of falling over as we grow up, so we don't recover as fast as little kids do (that's my amateur psychologist theory anyway).

Hissy is bang on the money. However, I think you'd probably fret a lot if you left it that long! She needs to be weaned off constant contact and you need to wean yourself off providing it, IMO. I'd recommend texting tomorrow (ONCE) and then turning up on Friday. Make some excuse to not see her at the weekend, you do need a break!

No!

Tomorrow is too soon, there does need to be some cold turkey here. You and your family need space. You need time away from her and if you keep calling, texting, she'll get at you.

Tomorrow is Thursday. Leave it until after the weekend. Go see the inlaws, get the house straight, sit in your pants and fo naff all, if that's what youa want to do.

Calling her, making plans to see her this week will allow some of her poison to seep in.

Please, if not for you, for the man who's had to put up with so much cruelty? For H? Please give him the weekend without her. He's more than earned it.

It seems to me that you are still holding out for her to become the normal loving mother you want her to be...

You know that's never going to happen right? Stop putting yourself in situations where she's going to hurt you by letting you down, stip lining up to take more pain, more manipulation, more anguish.

She'll never be what I want her to be, no..because I want her to respect my DH and my independence and she can't seem to see that I am no longer about 12, that I have other people to look after, a family of my own. She STILL doesn't get that, it's STILL all about her, how SHE'S feeling...hence the sulking and wallowing.
I wasn't planning to go to visit with DH btw...just me and the DCs.
I keep reminding myself that she still hasn't phoned me.

Pour that energy into your H, don't trot off to her, choose to stay with him.

A normal parent would wish you well, would be excited about your new home, would be pleased for you.

She's punishing you. For living. Wtaf?

Didn't she punish your dad by ignoring him?

I'm sorry G2B, I know how utterly painful this is, I've been there, it's excruciating.

Please be a family this weekend, no visits. Just a breather.

What a horribly scary experience with dd, GoodToBetter. Thank goodness she's okay :(

Perhaps you should contrast your relationship with your PILs with your relationship with your mother. I imagine if you'd said to them last weekend "I'm really sorry, we can't manage to pop round this Sunday" the sky wouldn't have fallen down. You don't feel that obsessive need with them to be pleasing them and thinking about their needs all the time. You enjoy each other's company.

"she can't seem to see that I am no longer about 12, that I have other people to look after, a family of my own."

Oh she got it alright.

She tried to tear it all to pieces. She wanted your H to leave, she's tried to manipulate your son, and she ignores your DD. Oh and she's tried to get your db on her side too.

If you keep getting sucked back in by the Fear, Obligation and Guilt, you'll never see the truth.

That's what she wants.

she used to say to my dad that everythig that came out of his mouth was a lie (and tbf he was an alcoholic and so, in the way addicts do he'd say any old bollocks to protect his primary relatioship: alcohol). She used to say that if he kept on lying there would come a day when there would be no point talking to him any more. Eventually she did stop talking to him altogether but she didn't actually get him out of the house (v acrimonious divorce) for some time after that.
It's funny because it feels a bit like that with her now...she keeps on and on guilting me and it gets to the point when there's no point talking because everything is just another chance to prove me an awful daughter and make me see the error of my ways and how badly I'm treating her.

Glad all's well after the fall.

No, please don't pop in yet. Cold turkey is hard, but worth it, and it has the best chance of benefitting you both. If anything has actually happened to her, you'd have heard.

So, she is choosing not to contact you, not because she's so busy, but because she is punishing you again. Don't let her. The reason you are where you are now, is to learn new patterns, to concentrate on your dh and children, to protect them from her, and most of all to protect yourself. It isn't easy to change the habits of a lifetime, so it will be an effort to stop yourself worrying and to stop feeling guilty, but the harder you try now, the greater the pay-off in the end.

Always tell yourself that if she seriously needed help from you she'd have been in touch; as she hasn't been in touch, she has not seriously needed you. I suspect she is assuming that you will cave in very soon. See if you can make it a few days longer before you do.

It will get easier with time.

(I actually got on really well with my parents, and we would all have lunch every Sunday, but didn't phone at all unless there was something which couldn't wait. When we moved 7 years ago, we asked mum if she'd like to live with us - dad died years ago - so we ended up living together for about 5 years, until she died. DH adored her. She wasn't a manipulative woman though, was quite humble in a knew-what-she-was-worth-but-didn't-need-to-push-it sort of way, intelligent, cultured, funny, and fair. So, when I say phone once a week and visit once a month, this is observation of other's relationships with parents, and not reflective of my own.)

Yes, at one point before she stormed off to the flat I said in exasperation something like, "what do you want, me to divorce DH or something" (not meaning it of course) thinking she'd say "Oh God, of course not..I just mean...." and she sort of smirked and said something like.."that's up to you"...I remember thinking, God, she reaaaaalllly hates him.

Hi Good. As usual, others have far, far better advice than I could ever hope to give. But I agree on Hissy's point regarding your DH - it's time to give him some of your time.

What would going to see DM with the DCs and without him say to him anyway? That she still comes first? That you are still tied to her apron strings? We read threads on here where the H and MIL cannot let go of each other and even though the OP and MIL have an awful relationship, the H still insists on spending hard-earned family time with the MIL. If I were in that situation, I'd feel like my OH still puts me second to someone who is actively nasty to me and I'd worry about the state my H would come back in, what lies my MIL would have been peddling about me etc etc.

It's your first proper weekend as a family in your new pad! You don't have to see her. She will be fine.

You do need to break this. Goodness knows, you have been as strong as a rock to get this far! Do it for your DH, do it for your DC and you are also doing it for yourself.

Christ Good, that is a scary realisation. Thank goodness you're not living with her anymore - way to pin your colours to the mast and none-too-subtly choose a side!

What would going to see DM with the DCs and without him say to him anyway? That she still comes first? That's a good point.

I guess if you're going to establish a new world order now is the time to do it, as everyone else has said. You'll have to steel yourself not to give in to your programming though!

Poor Good what a shock with DD glad she wasn't hurt beyond biting tongue (still must have been painful).

Again like before moving house, I think emotions are running high, you're running hard to keep still and getting out of old patterns feels exhausting and frankly yet more stress.

Don't upset yourself by denying yourself contact but the reason you got together with DH was to start a new life together. The DCs came along and you are a family. Will 48 more hours of you putting your family first really damage the healthy uncontrolling bond you should have with a parent?

Really sorry to hear about your fall, Good. How horrible. I hope your DD is ok this morning.

I'm going to go against the tide and remind you that you're free to do whatever the hell you like with regards getting in touch with your mum. If you're finding yourself agitated by not being the one to take the initiative, you're free to ring. (I don't think you're under any illusions about what will come of it.) If you'd like to experiment with leaving it for a while longer (which will feel weird, I know, but is perfectly ok and normal) and keep the weekend for the four of you, that's fine too. You are the boss of you . (Personally, I would recommend a very long sleep.)

DD seems absolutely fine, thank goodness. I've got a really sore right leg, where I think I braced myself against the fall..the whole thigh aches. and I have this monstrous egg sized lump on my shin which is slowly going black and purple.
I've got a cold and a wheezy cough and a cold sore, which I think is all just general rundown-ness.
I haven't decided what to do about DM. I think I need to do my level best to break old habits and stop feeling this worry about not contacting. I keep reminding myself that she could ring me, to ask how we are, how the dcs she professes to love so much are. DH says, and I think he's right, that she hasn't phoned because she's angry and she's waiting for me to crack first so she can reassert control.
She will see it as up to me to phone her. Her attitude will be that I abandoned her and I need to make amends and that I am being a bad daughter leaving her to "cope" alone.
So, I'm going to go against my instincts and not contact her for a little while longer. Since this blew up MN has helped me "go against my instincts" and eahc time it's been the right thing to do, so I'm going to give it a go. I'm not promising I'll get past about Sunday...I think it would be reasonable for her to see the dcs then..but I'm going to try holding off til then If she contacts me and is not guilting then I'll respond in a friendly way. But she won't. This is the woman who can ignore people for YEARS.

Who contacted who before she came to live with you? If it was fairly equal then it's easy to reply if she moans that she could have phoned you like she used to. I think phoning on Saturday to arrange a time for her to see the kids on Sunday sounds fine for someone who has had a busy week. Since you moved you have seen her twice whilst she has done nothing (not that you want her just popping in). She has to get used to normal communication again where she phones you as often as you phone her. I presume that's what happens with your brother.

She never phones DB. She e mails him occasionally and he used to FB me and ask if we wanted to skype. I'd set it up and say hi but then leave it to her because I found it easier to FB msg him than have a 3 way conversation.
When she lived in the UK I'd phone generally, once a week.
When she came here but before we lived together DH was working so I'd quite often go to hers for lunch and then go to work. Then, when DS was born I was on ML and she would come up for lunch sometimes or we'd visit. Then I went back to work and she was to look after DS in the afternoons but DH lost his job a wk before I went back but she insisted she still wanted to come up, and tbh that's where the rot set it, as it gave her free rein to dominate DH and push him out.

So sorry you are suffering as a result of the fall. You do sound on the verge of a bloody breakdown very run down. Eat well, rest when you can, and avoid the source of it all until you are just a little bit stronger, both physically and emotionally

When you visit, nothing in her attitude will have really changed. In fact she will probably crank it all up a bit, so give yourself some more recovery time, before stepping into the lions den again. Bit dramatic I suppose.....or is it?

Reminds of someone close to me; I realised as I grew up that carrying a grudge or resentment forever isn't actually strength (of character or resolve), it's weakness. It's not just standing up for oneself when making unreasonable demands or expecting people to live up to impossible standards - it's pretty well trampling over others to make sure you get what you want. It's easier to play the poor-old-me card and act all wronged than give in, 'lose face' momentarily and say you know what, you're right, I'm being unfair.

In your shoes I'd leave it 'til Saturday to call or text suggesting a Sunday get together but as TheGoatTGA said, of course it's up to you.