The Great Escape

[GoodtoBetter]

I thought I would start a new thread, for anyone who might be interested in listening to my waffling on about my struggles with a difficult, overbearing mother. Thank you to whoever it was who suggested the thread title! I've changed my name for something a bit more positive.
previous thread here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1565077-My-mother-hates-my-husband-long

Before she came out here I used to ring her once a week.

You said it yourself Good - "I have a job, other work, children and a house to organise". You've just moved house, with two children, trying to get work done and find more work. This is a massive life event in itself and look how far you've come since your original post.

Your primary concern must be your own DC, then DH and then yourself. After all that, think of your mum but that still doesn't necessarily mean you have to contact her.

Sorry. Should probably have put "yourself" before DH (and possibly DC?!). Regardless, your own family come before your not-so-D-M.

Its very very difficult to change your mindset. It wont happen overnight but will evolve over time. If you only rang her once a week before she came to Spain at least you have a benchmark to compare to. That's good. She managed then. She can manage now.

You are doing brilliantly considering everything that you're doing and have just done.

Better to wait until you have time for a nice chat perhaps than a daily 'duty call' of 2 minutes and a rushed "Okay Mum got to dash" which ime only winds them up more. It doesn't come easy to stop old ingrained habits. This is a period of reacclimatisation. That way you call on impulse for genuine reasons not because you envisage a tyrant logging your lack of contact and docking you filial brownie points.

My dad lives alone in his mid 70s. He rings me as often as I ring him and we are usually in contact on the phone once or twice a week, plus emails now and then. Since my mum died he has made an effort to go to education classes and join things and learn to use the computer. I suspect your mum may choose to return to the UK in the long run. She has to try living independantly here first but don't try and influence her either way. Communication is as much her responsibility as yours. She has a phone she can pick up if she wants to talk to you.
Stop thinking about what she may or may not be feeling, that's her business not yours. It's up to her to cheer herself up and decide for herself how she wants to live her life.
You should just phone her when you want to for a chat, although I'd keep phone calls reletively short and fairly frequent initially, but probably not daily as then there can be a daily phone call expectation although alot of women do phone their relatives daily.
She still has your brother to phone as well. Does she not have any other relatives eg siblings she can phone, friends from the UK?

Right now I don't want to phone her because it won't be a chat, she'll either be cold and angry or pathetic and cry and try to make me feel guilty about moving out.

Our relationship has become so warped and the moving out she took so badly i'm not even sure what is reasonable to do i terms of contact. I think in the long run a phone call every few days, a visit once a week or even 2 short visits is plenty. I'm not sure I trust my instincts on hwo to play it at first and how much to let her do the running or how much to set the pace myself and in which dirction. Quite apart from the fact that I don't have a minute when I'm not supposed to be working or sleeping right now.

Living within driving distance of mum, a small posy of flowers left on the doorstep or a balloon with a message from grandchild attached to it sometimes did more than a contrived phone call or meeting face to face.

I was there for about an hour doing stuff upstairs for her on Monday and on Sunday went out with her and the dcs for about 2 hours. My thoughts were that I would leave any contact til Friday as she knows I have a lot of work apart from the move (although she doesn't know about the translation). Also dcs are at school/nursery til lunchtime and then I'm am work so no chance for her to see them with me til Friday pm.
Don't know whether I should text or phone before then or leave it up to her. I want to be fair and friendly but am not sure what's reasonable really any more or what my boundaries should be.

What would it achieve to get in touch before Friday? (Genuine question.)

One of the last times I talked to my mum she complained that my brother never brought the kids over go see her. I told her to ring up and offer to take the kids.

Her response was ... 'I shouldn't have to beg'

They come up with the stupidest things some times. When you go over take your DH with you. She will not start in on you in front of him. She will wait til she has you alone. She might do the little comment thing in which case say to her 'you could have called.'

The probl is when you are out of the situation it is so easy to say what you want but when your in it it's hard to remember. And then it is so irrational you can't anticipate it.

You are doing so well though. And you should do what's right for you.

Good question Goat...nothing really, I expect she'll just try and guilt me. She said herself a day or so before we moved that we'd be very busy and not to worry getting in touch for a bit. She could phone or text me, she could ask how things are going with the move or how the dcs are. She hasn't.
Aussie, that is EXACTLY the kind of thing my mother would say and has said.

The thing is, you are genuinely rushed off your feet! You could have the best relationship ever and still be pushed for time, so absolutely prioritise and M can wait.

Right. And I don't think ringing today will prevent her from guilting you about one thing or another on Friday anyway...

I'm in my 50s and my youngest DC is 18, I anticipate she'll be leaving home one way or another over the next year or so and I see it as 100% my responsibility to build a life that doesn't depend on my adult DCs for company. Your DM managed it before she lived with you, and she can manage it again - but she won't if she remains dependent on you for 'company'. It's different if a parent is truly frail, but even then the adult DCs have to make do with supporting from a distance, helping set up local support, etc. Keeping your distance while new habits are established is actually in her best interests! and that's without the toxic elements you are having to deal with

Well, exactly. This morning I took the DCs to school/nursery, came home and planned classes, finished the small translation (which took longer than expected) and hung out washing and put another load on. DH has been shopping, mended a leak in the kitchen, batch cooked for 3 days and put up the line pole on the roof. I have been trying to concentrate on the big translation but can't get my brain in gear, so I'm going to put some make up on and take the dog for a quick walk. Then at 3 I have to drive to work, will be back at 10, when I'll have to start i correcting exams and doing more translation. Then I'll go to bed and get up and do the same all over tomorrow.

You really dont need this additional stress, with all that you have going on. Friday would be quite soon enough to drop in, given that you were just there on Monday. Whatever you do decide, please dont make any firm days or times. You wont always want/be able to keep to them, and that will be another stick for her to beat you with. Anything you do decide to do, texting, calling, will quickly be seen as something she expects, so be very careful you dont set any precedents that you don`t want to keep up with. Once things have settled down, you can have a re-think.

I do understand the guilt, albeit very misplaced. Its learned behaviour, and its going to be very hard to unlearn. Just remember that whatever you do, your mother probably still wont be happy, so you might just as well do what suits you and your family. Having come this far, you really cant allow her an inch.

I think you need to take the view that you will probably be damned if you do and damned if you dont.

So maybe just focus on getting your work done, the house and family for the moment and then when you get a bit of time and if you want to, then get in contact.

Look Good, you don't have to justify your lack of contact to us by explaining how busy you are. Even if you weren't busy, it would be perfectly reasonable to expect her to make an effort once in a while!!

Doubtless she will guilt you whatever you do, so you might as well please yourself.

About 'Her response was ... 'I shouldn't have to beg'. You say your DM has said things like this? That is your cue to force a laugh and say 'It's not begging mum, it's having a normal conversation!'. And then if when she starts crying, pretend not to notice, continue to be breezy and leave the room or building as soon as you can. Do not hug/kiss goodbye as that makes the pretence harder to maintain and she might get you in a deathgrip and literally cry on your shoulder, which is hard to escape from without being a complete callous bastard.

You probably think I'm being harsh (hell, I am) but some people will suck you dry if you let them.

Normal: phone once a week, visit once a month. Aim for that!

I think visiting once or twice a week sounds good initially; since you lived together it might be a bit of a wrench for her to see your DS less frequently than that. You can wean her onto less frequent visits after a while :)

What Jux describes does sound normal, but since you're living in such a small place and so close to each other you will surely cross paths occasionally!

Gah. Went to pick DD up at lunchtime and was pushing her in the buggy to collect DS from school and got wheel caught going down a kerb. Buggy tipped right over, throwing DD onto the ground face down, still strapped in, and me on top of her. I couldn't get up for a minute and all I could see was the buggy on top of her and her screaming. Horrible. People came running and helped us up, DD's mouth full of blood, but turned out just to be that she'd bitten her own tongue on both sides. Someone went and got a glass of water and someone else helped me with the buggy, everyone was so kind. DD was fine after about 5 mins and has been eating normally and everything, but it all left me a bit shaky. I have a huge egg sized bruise on my shin.
Not a peep from DM. She's not asked about the move or the dcs, so is probably sulking or wallowing. Will text tomorrow or Friday and suggest popping over with dcs Friday afternoon.
Tired and overwhelmed today.