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Original poster

Another man with a Sex Drive Thread

46 replies

Sweden99 · 16/01/2013 19:55

Hello,

Excuse a man and one without a kid posting. I would like to know if anyone found their sex drive plummet immediately after getting married?

Nothing has changed with me, but my wife has lost interest. Certainly, I have tried romance, subtle and not subtle, stayed in shape, I am the only one that works (which is not something she has a problem with) and we split housework. No kids, so it is not tiredness.

I was worn out for a while, working long hours and sorting out our move and many domestic tasks, but we are settled now, and that would seem more a reason for me to lose libido anyway.

There is plenty written about loss of libido after having a kid, but not before trying for one and it is not something I hear about.

OP posts:
OnlyWantsOne · 16/01/2013 19:57

Have you tried talking to her?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/01/2013 20:01

If I was being cynical I'd say she'd only married you for your cash.

Original poster
Sweden99 · 16/01/2013 20:01

Yes.

She says she has lost interest. She says I should be persistant and she might say yes, but it is rare and, on a more selfish note, being rejected on a regular basis is not fun.

She does not seem concerned as such.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/01/2013 20:06

Be persistent?... Hmm So she doesn't have to work, isn't expected to do much around the house, is fully financed by you ... and doesn't have to put out either? Quite honestly I think you've been had.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/01/2013 20:07

How old are you both?

Original poster
Sweden99 · 16/01/2013 20:08

36 (me) and 31 (her).

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/01/2013 20:09

OK... was wondering if you were an elderly couple or something like that. Is it that long since you got married? And was sex pretty normal up to that point or has she never really engaged?

Welovecouscous · 16/01/2013 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ponyinthepool · 16/01/2013 20:13

Is she on the pill? Or any other medication? Has she gained weight? Lots of extraneous things can have a devastating effect on a woman's sex drive, it may well not be anything to do with how she feels about you.

Remember that the most important female sex organ is the brain and a bit of tenderness and romance outside the bedroom goes a long way.

Hope things improve.

McBalls · 16/01/2013 20:13

She sounds weird.

I think you need to tell her that if there is a problem, an issue then she needs to tell you what it is, otherwise you can't possibly do anything about it.
If it really is the case, as she seems to be saying, that there's no underlying problem and she's just not interested (suddenly Hmm) then it's for you to decide if this is the relationship you were led to believe it was.

For me, more than the lack of sexual intimacy, I'd be pretty pissed off at how this only reared its head after the wedding. Seems rather calculated that.

thirdfromleft · 16/01/2013 20:19

Yes, my ex-W did this. We divorced after I woke up to the fact that she was a horrible manipulative person.

Sorry that I can't give you a better story.

ClippedPhoenix · 16/01/2013 20:24

How long have you been married?

She may be some sort of calculating cow or has just realised that she doesn't want to be with you but can't tell you.

How often do you try to initiate sex? How do you come across about it? Do you sulk or accept if she says no?

Original poster
Sweden99 · 16/01/2013 20:24

She had gained weight after the wedding (when in the US), but lost some when we moved. She is taking language lessons and now does most of the housework, so she is not taking the proverbial.

The move overseas may also have been a factor.

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 16/01/2013 20:27

what does not taking the proverbial mean?

Original poster
Sweden99 · 16/01/2013 20:28

We have been married about nine months. I had been working crazy hours before and just after the wedding, so my interest dipped a bit then.

The reason I married her (and I was considered rather a catch over there), was her gentle and kind character. She is not calculating, just not very pro-active.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sweden99 · 16/01/2013 20:29

ClippedPhoenix, as in not taking the piss.

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 16/01/2013 20:29

what does not taking the proverbial mean OP?

You married her because she was a bit subservient?

McBalls · 16/01/2013 20:33

Clippedphoenix - really???

He said she is kind and gentle, he is refuting the suggestion she is calculating...and you get from that that he married her cos she's subservient?

Ffs.

InNeatCognac · 16/01/2013 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

McBalls · 16/01/2013 20:36

Op, this is one of those situations where outside advice can't really do much. Something has changed and either you need to do some serious reflecting on what that may be or she needs to tell you what's going on.

I know you've talked but I think you need to talk more.

catwisd · 16/01/2013 20:37

Language lessons? Is English not her native language? Does she have friends or family where you live now, and if not how is she meeting people if she doesn't work? How long were you together before the wedding, and how long ago did you move?

Adjusting to a new marriage, new country, isolated at home, could she be depressed?

ClippedPhoenix · 16/01/2013 20:41

I stand by what I said.

Spero · 16/01/2013 20:42

so she is in a new country, presumably with no family or friends nearby, she can't speak the language and she's gone off sex? Hardly a surprise. If she is not depressed, she must be getting close. Talk to her. If she won't say anything else than 'you have got to be more persistent' then your problems are way bigger than lack of sex.

ClippedPhoenix · 16/01/2013 20:47

This thread doesn't make sense. Also the OP saying about her and the "proverbial" got my back up.

His chosen factors for marriage were not because he loved her but because she was kind and caring.

I think InNeat has hit the nail on the head here.

NishiNoUsagi · 16/01/2013 20:47

What nationality are you, and what nationality is she? Has she lived the UK before, or is this her first time away from her home country? Sorry for the barrage of questions, but I'm in an international marriage too so I might be able to offer some perspective. My DH has found life in the UK pretty hard at times, and while he hasn't lost his sex drive it has shown up in other ways.

Do also agree with Spero though that she needs to help you help her a little, it's tough to try to figure out what she's thinking by yourself. Especially if you come from different cultures then it's nigh on impossible Wink