Issues with late DH's mother (MiL) and her reaction to current DP (Loooooooooong!)

[HMTheQueen]

This might be long, as I don't want to drip feed. Also I want to know if AIBU but I'm not brave enough to post there!

Quick history - DH died when DS was a baby (4 years ago). Have been with new DP for a year. He has 2 DSs and he is also a widower. So we (unfortunately) have quite a bit in common in that sense. When DH was alive, I had an OK relationship with his mother, with a few issues arising that were usually dealt with by DH - normal MiL stuff - her demanding that we spend Xmas with her rather than FiL (divorced 25 years ago) etc etc. Since I got pregnant and the subsequent birth of DS, we had quite a few run-ins with MiL overstepping the boundaries but DH dealt with them when he was alive and I have dealt with them since. (Search my name and you'll come up with a few threads about minor annoyances!)

Current situation - Last year I met DP after 3 years on my own with DS. We have moved in together and his DSs and my DS get along fabulously and consider themselves brothers. DS calls DP "Daddy".

All the Grandparents - my FiL, my parents, DP's dad, DP's in-laws - all treat all the DS's like grandchildren. The DS's call the grandparents by their names - nanny, grandad, grandpa etc - and generally everyone is happy that they have gained extra grandchildren and that DP and I have each other.

Except MiL. Immediately after the first meeting of DP, his DS's and MiL, MiL called me and the first thing she said was that she didn't want DP's DSs calling her "Grandma". She was quite forceful that she isn't their Grandma - she is my DS's Grandma and that's all. I said that's fine - it's up to her. I also thought (without saying) that it's no skin off my nose and they already have lots of grandparents willing to love them and treat them as grandchildren.

Current issue - DS and I stayed with MiL just before Xmas (overnight) as we were invited to a family friends wedding (DP and his DS's not invited as v. small wedding and didn't know B&G - everyone fine with that). During breakfast/playtime while getting ready for wedding DS was chatting about "Daddy" (DP) and his brothers.

MiL "You mean ".

DS "Yes, ".

MiL "He's not your Daddy."

I was fuming. But as DS was there, I didn't want to raise anything and I let it wash over me. In the car later, I spoke to DS about it (bearing in mind he is 4.7) and confirmed with him that DP is his "Daddy" as well as the Daddy he has in Heaven. He said he was very lucky as he had 2 daddies and 2 brothers. I agreed and we went down the 'Silly Grandma got confused' route.

I couldn't get MiL alone at the wedding (and didn't want to ruin B&G's day) so couldn't speak to her about this, so called while I was driving home in the afternoon (It's 2 hours away and DS fell asleep in the car). I told her that it was not appropriate for her to 'correct' DS and that as far as he was concerned DP is "Daddy". He also knows he has Daddy in Heaven and he feels very lucky to have 2 daddies and 2 brothers.

At which point MiL corrected me and called them "Step-brothers".

I explained that DS sees them as his family and that is what matters - not names or blood. DP is the only Daddy he has ever known and he is happy. She (half-heartedly) apologised then reiterated that she didn't want DP's DSs calling her Grandma as she isn't their Grandma. I said thats fine and her choice. She then felt it necessary to remind me that DS is the only child of her son who died so he is very special to her. I reminded her that I remembered him dying (what with being there at the time and all!). Basically she apologised (frostily) and we hung up on a very tense conversation.

Since Xmas she has spoken to FiL (remember - divorced 25 years ago - but she still relies on him a lot) and he has (essentially) bollocked her for being an idiot and jeopardising her relationship with her only grandchild.

She then rang me, apologised for the tense situation and said she'd be happy for DP's DSs to call her Grandma and she doesn't want to jeopardise her access to DS - which I would never do anyway - I would definitely not stop access with DH's family.

Here's the AIBU - AIBU to not want to see or speak to her at the moment. I'm still very very angry that she felt the need to correct a 4 year old as well as the fact that she thought it necessary to remind me that DH died. Like I didn't know, or had forgotten. I am so angry, I shake when I see her name come up on my phone and when I tried to call her back the other day, I could feel my heart racing. I DO NOT want to speak to her right now. She may have apologised and think its all better, but to me, she has done what she thinks she needs to do to see DS - not actually thought about how her actions may have affected me and DS. I am also not happy with seeing her or letting DS see her (for now) as I can't trust her not to say these things again, as she doesn't appear to understand why I am so angry.

If I could confirm that she realises the gravity of what she said and promised she wouldn't do it again, I'd be more than happy for her to see DSs. DP has been very supportive in all of this and is happy to back me up, whatever my decision - although we are both hesitant about her seeing his DS's as she will clearly favour my DS over them and we don't feel that is fair on on any of them.

I may potentially see her in the next week or so (great aunt's funeral) so could speak to her then about how she made me feel and the confusion she could have put DS through (but luckily he is a very chilled little boy and not much phases him!)

Do I speak to her at the funeral? Do I call her before hand (which would then create an atmosphere at the funeral)? Do I let it lie for a while and keep ignoring her calls (I answer maybe 1 out of 6 calls)? Am I being totally unreasonable and should let it go? I need MN wisdom as DP is sick of hearing about it and I'm sick of talking about it. Some sort of action needs to be taken.

Thanks for reading.

Oh and dd called dp daddy after a short while with no prompting, not our choice, she was 2.5 and still saw her father.

And the hurt if being cut off from my mothers parents will never go away so please don't do that.

Talk, acknowledge each others feelings and share your grief and happy memories. May be hearts and flowers and shitting butterflies or may be horrendous but you will never know unless you try.

I'm really shocked that people are being so judgemental about a situation that, thankfully, most know nothing about. Snide comments about the op having 'got over' the death of her DH and moving on.

As I said up thread my dad died before I was born and 3 years later married a man she'd known for 6 months. I called him daddy, my gran accepted my step-dad and loved my younger brother. My mum and dad have been together for 30 years.

Should my mum have remained alone? Should I never have called my dad daddy because it 'disrespected' my real dad? I never even met him, of course that upsets me but I'm glad I had a dad to love me and take me to the park and do all the things dads do rather than just having other people's memories of a dad I never knew. I have two dads, that's good.

I did not read all the posts sorry, but OP you think she is ATTENTION SEEKING today? That is fucking horrible. She deserves attention and concern and all those things bereaved mothers generally don't get because other people feel uncomfortable and are too busy with their own lives. I hope you have done something with your son to mark the day.

Portofino
I strongly suggest you read ALL of this thoroughly.

"I hope you have done something with your son to mark the day."

That is very very low.

Something as delicate as this, does not need a 'knee-jerk' reaction.

I am not new to the thread - I just never read those from today. OP says that today is the anniversary of her DHs death - and she thinks her MIL is "attention seeking" . My mother died 40 years ago this year. Do you think that my nan would be attention seeking to mention it? Or just that it is an important date to her and would like others to remember too. You NEVER get over losing a child. Even if they are grown up. Why is that so hard to understand?

I don't agree with tiptoeing around her, but calling another man "daddy"....

Woh, slow down. Absolutely no body is suggesting that she should get over losing her child. Please read all of OP's threads, so that you can put it all in to context.

Not the same op but just to relate, my dh and I lost our son, at birth, which I know is very different, but for the first year I could easily bring any conversation to ds. I obsessed. Talking helped me, constantly referencing what had happened to others made me feel like everyone around me would KNOW how bad it was. Eventually dh spoke to me, he is a very silent mourner and had felt I was attention seeking, he felt that I brought everything back to ds to ensure all conversation revolved around me. In a way it was true. My world revolved around grief and people acting normally weren't appreciating that. I wasn't wrong. Nor was Dh. I went to counseling. I'm not, nor will I ever be over it. (february is still hard)
The point is that you can feel that your mil is attention seeking and shouldn't feel guilty for that feeling. Other posters feel very complied to advise you that people grieve differently, without taking into consideration your way of grieving. You haven't been insensitive to mil, so you have done nothing wrong in expressing yourself here.

KeepCool - I did read all of OPs posts.

I am not suggesting at all the MIL should "get over it" I am suggesting that OP is getting all cushty with her new partner and is choosing to forget or overlook or deny some things which should not be forgotten.

I haven't read the whole thread, but I think you are being rather hard on your MIL. You havea new partner who you love and are settled with, but she will never have another son, and I think expecting it not to be a knife in her heart to hear her grandson call another man "Daddy" is expecting too much. I also don't think four is too small to be asked to consider someone else's feelings.
I think maybe getting your DS to call your partner Daddy Bob, or whatever, rather than Daddy, or a pet name, might have been a better plan. I understand that you must have an overwhelming desire to mend your son's world and give him all the stability of the family unit he so sadly lost, but to your MIL it must be terribly painful. I would not want any child of my dds to call someone else Mummy, or my own children, should I die while they are small. I find the mere thought of it really upsetting tbh. I think you should cut her some slack, give her plenty of one on one time with your ds and give her some love.

I agree with portofino.

Pregnantpause. When i was bereaved i also found that i would talk about it a lot, nearly every conversation i had. Some years later it is still something which i tell new people i meet early on. Its had such an effect on me that its a large part of who i am now and a lot of my life since has been shaped by it, so its hard not to talk about it.

Sorry to read that you lost your baby. That must have been so so awful

What upsets me reading this thread, is that a woman's last link to her son is entirely dependent on the compassion (or otherwise) of the OP.

The fact that your DS wants to call your partner 'daddy' is neither here nor there IMO.

What stands out, is your lack of compassion for a woman who must be living with grief on an unimaginable level.

And the fact that this grief could be described as 'attention seeking' is simply appalling

Good evening all

Just a gentle reminder that if there's one thing we could all do with it's some
moral support.

Well quite. Anniversary of his death when it is not so long ago. Something to speak to your dc about at least. And you SHOULD OP. The worst thing is that no-one wants to talk about your dead parent. It is too upsetting or something....UM NO. Talk about them, upsetting or not.

I honestly do not know why my message was deleted.

What's all this "real daddy" and "you can only have one daddy/mummy" nonsense?

My DD has two mothers; her birth mother and me, her adoptive mother, and I am the one she calls mummy because I am her mummy, just as DH (her adoptive father) is her daddy.

So she has two sets of parents who are equally real but she has never known, nor ever will know, her birth parents. Does she not have the right to call us mummy and daddy, just as OP's DS has the right to call a living, breathing man daddy?

Am tired so maybe not making much sense and might try again in the morning but, whilst I have enormous compassion for the MIL, I do think a 4 year old boy who has no memory of his birth father has every right to call the man who will be raising him daddy.

Your situation is fundamentally and materially different to that of the OP, Laundress.

On adopting a dc who is biologically unrelated to yourself and your dh, you have become her parents in law and you are therefore, to all intents and purposes, her mother and father/mummy and daddy.

Although you say your dd will never know her birth parents, I would venture to suggest that if she wishes to go in seach of them at some point in the distant future, and should they be alive at that time, there's no reason to suppose she won't meet them and get to know them unless, of course, you have adopted from outside of the EU from a country where meticulous recording keeping of birth/marriages/deaths and adoptions is not a priority

Because of the premture death of the her dh, the OP's ds will not have opportunity to meet and get to know his biological father and, although he has taken to calling his OP's dp 'daddy', the fact remains that this man is not his 'daddy' nor is he related to him in fact or in law.

Under the circumstances, it would be understandable if the OP's mil fears that her ds's rightful place as her dgc's 'daddy' may come to be overlooked, or airbrushed from the child's history.

Yes, what Izzy said!

Adoption scenario totally different.

Ok so if the OP were to marry her DP and they each adopt the other's children, it's then ok for her ds to call him Daddy? And the knife that would go through MIL's heart would no longer matter?

That would be nothing like a child being adopted at birth [or as a baby/toddler] though would it?

Again, very different scenario.

But that isn't what has happened here is it, so moot point.

I like what Donkey said.

Good luck OP, you sound like a caring and loving person doing her best. I have had experience of a very similar situation within my own family, it is very easy for onlookers to judge harshly. No-one can put the loss of your DH right, or bring him back, and it is very hard when other family members believe that their grief trumps yours and that this gives them the right to dictate.

Keep being compassionate with your MIL, she is grieving and afraid - but extend extra compassion to yourself, because you are, too.

TheCarefulLaundress
I am glad you posted.

This thread has often reminded me of other threads with adopted children scenarios, where a grandparent/family member, will not accept the adopted child and treat them differently to their 'blood' grandchildren.

BuiltForComfort
I think that is a very valid point.