Issues with late DH's mother (MiL) and her reaction to current DP (Loooooooooong!)

[HMTheQueen]

This might be long, as I don't want to drip feed. Also I want to know if AIBU but I'm not brave enough to post there!

Quick history - DH died when DS was a baby (4 years ago). Have been with new DP for a year. He has 2 DSs and he is also a widower. So we (unfortunately) have quite a bit in common in that sense. When DH was alive, I had an OK relationship with his mother, with a few issues arising that were usually dealt with by DH - normal MiL stuff - her demanding that we spend Xmas with her rather than FiL (divorced 25 years ago) etc etc. Since I got pregnant and the subsequent birth of DS, we had quite a few run-ins with MiL overstepping the boundaries but DH dealt with them when he was alive and I have dealt with them since. (Search my name and you'll come up with a few threads about minor annoyances!)

Current situation - Last year I met DP after 3 years on my own with DS. We have moved in together and his DSs and my DS get along fabulously and consider themselves brothers. DS calls DP "Daddy".

All the Grandparents - my FiL, my parents, DP's dad, DP's in-laws - all treat all the DS's like grandchildren. The DS's call the grandparents by their names - nanny, grandad, grandpa etc - and generally everyone is happy that they have gained extra grandchildren and that DP and I have each other.

Except MiL. Immediately after the first meeting of DP, his DS's and MiL, MiL called me and the first thing she said was that she didn't want DP's DSs calling her "Grandma". She was quite forceful that she isn't their Grandma - she is my DS's Grandma and that's all. I said that's fine - it's up to her. I also thought (without saying) that it's no skin off my nose and they already have lots of grandparents willing to love them and treat them as grandchildren.

Current issue - DS and I stayed with MiL just before Xmas (overnight) as we were invited to a family friends wedding (DP and his DS's not invited as v. small wedding and didn't know B&G - everyone fine with that). During breakfast/playtime while getting ready for wedding DS was chatting about "Daddy" (DP) and his brothers.

MiL "You mean ".

DS "Yes, ".

MiL "He's not your Daddy."

I was fuming. But as DS was there, I didn't want to raise anything and I let it wash over me. In the car later, I spoke to DS about it (bearing in mind he is 4.7) and confirmed with him that DP is his "Daddy" as well as the Daddy he has in Heaven. He said he was very lucky as he had 2 daddies and 2 brothers. I agreed and we went down the 'Silly Grandma got confused' route.

I couldn't get MiL alone at the wedding (and didn't want to ruin B&G's day) so couldn't speak to her about this, so called while I was driving home in the afternoon (It's 2 hours away and DS fell asleep in the car). I told her that it was not appropriate for her to 'correct' DS and that as far as he was concerned DP is "Daddy". He also knows he has Daddy in Heaven and he feels very lucky to have 2 daddies and 2 brothers.

At which point MiL corrected me and called them "Step-brothers".

I explained that DS sees them as his family and that is what matters - not names or blood. DP is the only Daddy he has ever known and he is happy. She (half-heartedly) apologised then reiterated that she didn't want DP's DSs calling her Grandma as she isn't their Grandma. I said thats fine and her choice. She then felt it necessary to remind me that DS is the only child of her son who died so he is very special to her. I reminded her that I remembered him dying (what with being there at the time and all!). Basically she apologised (frostily) and we hung up on a very tense conversation.

Since Xmas she has spoken to FiL (remember - divorced 25 years ago - but she still relies on him a lot) and he has (essentially) bollocked her for being an idiot and jeopardising her relationship with her only grandchild.

She then rang me, apologised for the tense situation and said she'd be happy for DP's DSs to call her Grandma and she doesn't want to jeopardise her access to DS - which I would never do anyway - I would definitely not stop access with DH's family.

Here's the AIBU - AIBU to not want to see or speak to her at the moment. I'm still very very angry that she felt the need to correct a 4 year old as well as the fact that she thought it necessary to remind me that DH died. Like I didn't know, or had forgotten. I am so angry, I shake when I see her name come up on my phone and when I tried to call her back the other day, I could feel my heart racing. I DO NOT want to speak to her right now. She may have apologised and think its all better, but to me, she has done what she thinks she needs to do to see DS - not actually thought about how her actions may have affected me and DS. I am also not happy with seeing her or letting DS see her (for now) as I can't trust her not to say these things again, as she doesn't appear to understand why I am so angry.

If I could confirm that she realises the gravity of what she said and promised she wouldn't do it again, I'd be more than happy for her to see DSs. DP has been very supportive in all of this and is happy to back me up, whatever my decision - although we are both hesitant about her seeing his DS's as she will clearly favour my DS over them and we don't feel that is fair on on any of them.

I may potentially see her in the next week or so (great aunt's funeral) so could speak to her then about how she made me feel and the confusion she could have put DS through (but luckily he is a very chilled little boy and not much phases him!)

Do I speak to her at the funeral? Do I call her before hand (which would then create an atmosphere at the funeral)? Do I let it lie for a while and keep ignoring her calls (I answer maybe 1 out of 6 calls)? Am I being totally unreasonable and should let it go? I need MN wisdom as DP is sick of hearing about it and I'm sick of talking about it. Some sort of action needs to be taken.

Thanks for reading.

Maybe the MIL feels the OP has replaced her husband with another man. MIL can't replace him with another son.

I think that is what makes it a different kind of grief. No one replaces anyone else, there is so such thing as two 100% identical people, but the fact remains a widow/widower can have another spouse. An elderly lady just can not have another son.

You've been with him for a year and your DS calls him Daddy? And you think this is a good thing????

Is it even a year? OP said she met him last year.

I know that MiL will probably be telling as many people as possible to get the most sympathy and attention today
Wow, that was cold.
Maybe she'll be telling lots of people so that lots of people think of her son.

You grieve differently. Don't belittle her way. And you have a very understanding partner who can put his arms around you and know what you're feeling. Who does she have?

A friend of my family lost her only child when he was 13. She went to her grave 30-odd years later having mourned him every single day.

There is no 'right' way.

Honestly can't get over the outrage on here.

What would you rather? Unhappiness and sadness for ever more?

After four years the OP is entitled to move on. After the difficulties the MIL has given her, she is lucky to be part of the child's life at all.

The names signify love- daddy, grandma- we use them to show respect and affection. How the fuck can people take offence to that?

Can you not love someone without attaching w name to it?

I don't ever want to be called Grandma by other peoples Grandchildren why would anyone want to be?!

I wonder if her partners children call her Mummy?

And yes, calling a man, not even married to your Mother, 'daddy' after a year is not a good idea IMO.

They don't call OP mummy as they were older when their mum died and have memories of their mum.

I agree with this

Your son isn't in a position to be making the call as to calling your dp daddy. He's 4. He DOES want to replace his biological daddy with this new daddy, because what he wants is a daddy. He never knew his birth daddy, so at 4, he doesn't have any loyalty to him. He's 4, he doesn't have the emotional maturity to understand the concepts involved. His immediate progression to calling your new dp daddy is giving him the security he wants, so he is all keen to replace his birth father. He's diving into this as much as you are. BUT he's 4. He doesn't understand all the relationships, in his eyes you pretty much can get a new daddy from the shop to be a forever daddy. You do know it's more complicated than that, so leaving the whole decision up to him as to what he calls your dp isn't fair, and it opens it up to heartbreak if your dp decides that, for example, life is too precious to waste on a family set up and actually he fancies moving to Australia. You've been with him for less than a year, you don't know him we'll enough to say hand on heart you know every inch of how he thinks. You can chuck yourself full steam into this relationship, because life is too short to think about what might go wrong...but what if life turns out to not be short, this turns out to be a horrible mess and then your son is down two daddys? You're in a position to understand this, your son isn't so it would be kinder to help him adjust slowly. If your son is calling him daddy, surely your dp should be thinking of adopting him? Getting parental responsibility? If there was a horrible accident and you were unable to care for your son, then currently he would lose you and his brand new daddy in one go. And if you're not ready for your dp to have legal parental responsibility then your ds shouldn't be calling him daddy yet. Because for him, that's the 4 year old equivalent of legal adoption and it will be devastating if it turns out that actually it's not the case. I suspect you're quite so angry with your mil because you feel she's judging the speed at which you're moving into this relationship, and you don't want to consider the possibility that this might be anything but the perfect blended family dream. Which it might we'll be, and I really hope it is. But you should be cushioning your son from the possibility that it's not.

Astley
With respect, your thread is very much about - 'I' 'I' 'Me' 'Me.' Wouldn't you put what is best for your grandson's interests and well being?

Op's little boy is naturally choosing to be a brother/son/grandson to his new extended family, because HE obviously feels comfortable with this. Why would you want him to doubt this?

What is so bad about being secure and comfortable within a new family?

His father willl NEVER be forgotten, he will always know about his paternal family.

Words cannot convey how awful it is for the MiL to have lost her son, but sadly this cannot be reveresed, and perhaps being part of the new family could actually in time perhaps help her with her loss.

Her son will NEVER be forgotten, but life does and must go on, however difficult this is for the MiL.

OhFunnyHoneyFace - can't agree with you more.

I think calling them 'Daddy X' and 'Daddy Y' (or 'Daddy X' and just plain 'Daddy', if tacking current partner's name on would be awkward) would probably ease that particular issue a bit. It pays respect to his daddy, and reassures grandma, while still letting him feel as if he has a daddy now to look after him. He will not know anything other than 'this is the man who looks after mum and me', and his step-siblings call him daddy so it's quite natural that he would want to do that too.

Oh get real, he says 'daddy' because he hears the mans two sons saying it!

He's 4, he isn't choosing anything!

"After the difficulties the MIL has given her, she is lucky to be part of the child's life at all."

A child lost his father as a baby, and you think he should have his grandmother taken away from him too?

It's very to lay claim to the "best for the child" ground when he's 4.

It will be a lot more difficult to explain to a teenager or adult why his real Daddy's mother was excised from his life. It will need to be a very good reason.

HM - the Daddy thing with your very recent new partner is done.

But surely you can come up with something better for your son's actual father than "Daddy in heaven"?

You might as well call him Pretend Daddy.

"Oh get real, he says 'daddy' because he hears the mans two sons saying it!

He's 4, he isn't choosing anything!"

Yy

Pretending that it's a sign of his happiness or level of comfort with the new family he's had imposed on him is self-serving nonsense.

I don't consider it being in a childs best interest to commit to calling someone 'Daddy' after a year with no legal framework around that at all.

You're right, I suppose, to an extent. It's not what I would do. But it's what they have chosen to do, and it's a bit late now to do much about it isn't it. They have to work with the situation as it is. These things are very personal and everyone will have different ideas on how to negotiate them. I think HM said somewhere upthread that her son started calling the partner daddy and they decided to follow his lead on it. Yes, he probably did do it mainly because that is what his step-siblings call him (and I know they aren't officially step-siblings yet but I don't know what other term to use), but on the other hand, why should he feel different and not quite part of the gang? He can't help it that he doesn't remember his father and that welcoming another man into that very important role might have come quite naturally to him.

The parents of your DP's late wife are also still grieving, but putting the happiness of all the children and your and DP's first, as it should be. I am sure that they wouldn't be so resentful if their 2 GC called you mummy. It is what the half orhaned DC want. Neither of the late parents would want their DCs to be without a loving step mother or stepfather and a lovely extended family of relatives. MIL cannot see that she is spoiling her DGS future happiness, as clouded by her all consuming grief. She really should be made to realise this. Perhaps her ex can tell her the reality of her actions as he helped before.
I assume her ex is the boy's Grandad. Does he have a good relationship with him and DP? Sorry if I have got something wrong.

You don't have to call someone Daddy or Mummy to be part of any gang, many Blended families don't have that problem.

I don't really get the complaints you have about your mil op.

The daddy thing . . . She's understandably upset that the little boy is calling a man who has been in your lives for just a matter of months daddy! Is ridiculously early for that!

As for the knitting and songs . . . What the hell are you moaning about?! Its lovely that she has favourite patterns she knits from when her son was small. As for the songs, what would you have her do? Delete from memory the ones she knows and replace with new ones?

Her crying in front of your son . . . It doesn't harm children to see emotions, in fact i was advised when i was grieving to talk to my children about it and that often meant tears too.

She's shouting from the rooftops that its the anniversary . . . So what? That's her business and her grief and none of your business.

It looks to me that you are looking for reasons to be pissed at her but these reasons are nonsense.

Astley
All very 'legal.'
Perhaps try explaining that one to a 4 year old.

digerd you cannot possibly know what the other GP's feel. I'm sure they would be beyond thrilled to hear their daughters children calling someone else 'Mummy'... Yeah right.

Their GC's remember their Mother and don't call OP Mummy so they don't have the same concerns as the MIL.

The MIL knows her GC will never have a sngle memory of his Father. She has to accept that. What I don't think she has to accept is another man getting the title 'Daddy' quite so easily.

You don't have to explain anything to a four year old, just correct the name when said, thousands do it all the time.

Ok keepcoolcalm DS is 5 this week and would understand this.

'DS, DP cares about you very much and I know you care about him too. But he's not your Daddy. Each of us only have one Daddy and your Daddy had to go up to Heaven. < Insert part about doing an important job, or looking down on him if that is what is believed >

That doesn't mean that your Daddy didn't love you, very very much, and want to stay with you always. You remember how DP's sons talk about their Mummy? Well their Mummy is up in Heaven with your Daddy. They don't call me Mummy because you only have one Mummy, and their Mummy loved them very much too.

So Mummy and Daddy are the special names for just our one Mummy and one Daddy. Maybe you could think up a special name for DP for just you and him? Or you can just call him his name?

Oh I know. As I said, it's not what I would have done. But these things are not always so clear when we're in the middle of them.

I like the explanation above.

HM my mother died before my first birthday and I have to say the issues between my father and her parents were huge and made life horrid.

I do know what you are saying that you have to tip toe around your grief to submit to hers but to me I see it that you can move on with your life, build a new family, and whilst I understand that it will never replace DH it means that your life is full, you have hope for the future, you have a future. For me the loss of one of my children would be a never ending pain, a gaping great hole in me that I doubt could ever be filled.

You have to mentalise, put yourself in her shoes, see a copy of her DS calling another man daddy, you in her mind expecting her to take on the children of another man who in her mind has usurped her dead DS. Remember, you have hope, she has her big painful gaping hole.

I am not trying to make it seem as though your grief is less important just more that you have ways and opportunities to move on, whereas her opportunities are sort of being chosen by you.

I am sure I will never be able to understand your grief and it must be profound so your feelings are just as valid as hers. Just try to find a way to communicate. Sit down, have a cup of tea, hug, understand each other and that you are coming at this from a completely different angle. One trying to move on and come to terms with the death of your beloved husband and another losing her precious child. Find the common ground.

I'm.sorry people have been so horrible in response to this op.

Mil was out of order to challenge a four yr olds use of the word daddy, she should have expressed her concerns to his mother, however much it hurt her to hear it.
But apparently we should let it slide in the name of her grief, the Op however, when expressing resentment regarding mil and her own ability to express grief is considered cold and harsh. surely op is allowed to vent here? She hasn't expressed this resentment to the mil you all realize? just on here, where it will not hurt the grieving mother? but will probably help the op deal with her own grief? for her lost dh?

I don't think that your ds should be denied a daddy. It won't take away his real daddy, it won't replace his real daddy, and there will be times in his life where the loss of his real daddy will cut deep. I'm sure at these times and throughout his childhood he will be happy that he had your current dp call daddy and be around for him.

From what you've said you make efforts to keep dhs memory alive, and other posters suggestions of mil and ds creating a memory box strikes me as a good one. It would reiterate that you do not want to replace dh, and welcome her sharing memories with ds, but also create a situation where ds sees that his dad was a real person, and hopefully lead to mil realising that ds is not dh.

also explain to her (sensitively) that her correcting ds could have hurt him, confused him. in a worse case scenario your ds could have taken her saying he's not your daddy very badly. he could have read that to mean he is different from his dsbs, not part of the 'real' family he shares a home with, he could also have felt loss of your dp as daddy, loss of that comfort and security. she could have made a very lonely and unhappy ds. She should know the implications of what she says, and as an adult, think before she speaks. I would be angry too in your position.