Issues with late DH's mother (MiL) and her reaction to current DP (Loooooooooong!)

[HMTheQueen]

This might be long, as I don't want to drip feed. Also I want to know if AIBU but I'm not brave enough to post there!

Quick history - DH died when DS was a baby (4 years ago). Have been with new DP for a year. He has 2 DSs and he is also a widower. So we (unfortunately) have quite a bit in common in that sense. When DH was alive, I had an OK relationship with his mother, with a few issues arising that were usually dealt with by DH - normal MiL stuff - her demanding that we spend Xmas with her rather than FiL (divorced 25 years ago) etc etc. Since I got pregnant and the subsequent birth of DS, we had quite a few run-ins with MiL overstepping the boundaries but DH dealt with them when he was alive and I have dealt with them since. (Search my name and you'll come up with a few threads about minor annoyances!)

Current situation - Last year I met DP after 3 years on my own with DS. We have moved in together and his DSs and my DS get along fabulously and consider themselves brothers. DS calls DP "Daddy".

All the Grandparents - my FiL, my parents, DP's dad, DP's in-laws - all treat all the DS's like grandchildren. The DS's call the grandparents by their names - nanny, grandad, grandpa etc - and generally everyone is happy that they have gained extra grandchildren and that DP and I have each other.

Except MiL. Immediately after the first meeting of DP, his DS's and MiL, MiL called me and the first thing she said was that she didn't want DP's DSs calling her "Grandma". She was quite forceful that she isn't their Grandma - she is my DS's Grandma and that's all. I said that's fine - it's up to her. I also thought (without saying) that it's no skin off my nose and they already have lots of grandparents willing to love them and treat them as grandchildren.

Current issue - DS and I stayed with MiL just before Xmas (overnight) as we were invited to a family friends wedding (DP and his DS's not invited as v. small wedding and didn't know B&G - everyone fine with that). During breakfast/playtime while getting ready for wedding DS was chatting about "Daddy" (DP) and his brothers.

MiL "You mean ".

DS "Yes, ".

MiL "He's not your Daddy."

I was fuming. But as DS was there, I didn't want to raise anything and I let it wash over me. In the car later, I spoke to DS about it (bearing in mind he is 4.7) and confirmed with him that DP is his "Daddy" as well as the Daddy he has in Heaven. He said he was very lucky as he had 2 daddies and 2 brothers. I agreed and we went down the 'Silly Grandma got confused' route.

I couldn't get MiL alone at the wedding (and didn't want to ruin B&G's day) so couldn't speak to her about this, so called while I was driving home in the afternoon (It's 2 hours away and DS fell asleep in the car). I told her that it was not appropriate for her to 'correct' DS and that as far as he was concerned DP is "Daddy". He also knows he has Daddy in Heaven and he feels very lucky to have 2 daddies and 2 brothers.

At which point MiL corrected me and called them "Step-brothers".

I explained that DS sees them as his family and that is what matters - not names or blood. DP is the only Daddy he has ever known and he is happy. She (half-heartedly) apologised then reiterated that she didn't want DP's DSs calling her Grandma as she isn't their Grandma. I said thats fine and her choice. She then felt it necessary to remind me that DS is the only child of her son who died so he is very special to her. I reminded her that I remembered him dying (what with being there at the time and all!). Basically she apologised (frostily) and we hung up on a very tense conversation.

Since Xmas she has spoken to FiL (remember - divorced 25 years ago - but she still relies on him a lot) and he has (essentially) bollocked her for being an idiot and jeopardising her relationship with her only grandchild.

She then rang me, apologised for the tense situation and said she'd be happy for DP's DSs to call her Grandma and she doesn't want to jeopardise her access to DS - which I would never do anyway - I would definitely not stop access with DH's family.

Here's the AIBU - AIBU to not want to see or speak to her at the moment. I'm still very very angry that she felt the need to correct a 4 year old as well as the fact that she thought it necessary to remind me that DH died. Like I didn't know, or had forgotten. I am so angry, I shake when I see her name come up on my phone and when I tried to call her back the other day, I could feel my heart racing. I DO NOT want to speak to her right now. She may have apologised and think its all better, but to me, she has done what she thinks she needs to do to see DS - not actually thought about how her actions may have affected me and DS. I am also not happy with seeing her or letting DS see her (for now) as I can't trust her not to say these things again, as she doesn't appear to understand why I am so angry.

If I could confirm that she realises the gravity of what she said and promised she wouldn't do it again, I'd be more than happy for her to see DSs. DP has been very supportive in all of this and is happy to back me up, whatever my decision - although we are both hesitant about her seeing his DS's as she will clearly favour my DS over them and we don't feel that is fair on on any of them.

I may potentially see her in the next week or so (great aunt's funeral) so could speak to her then about how she made me feel and the confusion she could have put DS through (but luckily he is a very chilled little boy and not much phases him!)

Do I speak to her at the funeral? Do I call her before hand (which would then create an atmosphere at the funeral)? Do I let it lie for a while and keep ignoring her calls (I answer maybe 1 out of 6 calls)? Am I being totally unreasonable and should let it go? I need MN wisdom as DP is sick of hearing about it and I'm sick of talking about it. Some sort of action needs to be taken.

Thanks for reading.

My kids are teenagers - quelle surprise

As I said, I'd take what they say with a pinch of salt iiwy. Teenagers can be buggers for your self-confidence.

Great post, Built. I have thought about this thread in rl. There have been significant bereavements in my family and I have seen a variety of responses. All have lost the plot in a major way for quite some time (years); one has still lost the plot nearly 30 years later (she lost her baby). I do consider that this grieving mother has lost perspective on some level, but I also see that she is a vulnerable sort and has not had the resources to recover from her loss (not that anyone ever 'recovers' as such, but learns to live with, if you like). It is now set in stone, really, as the wound is so huge and she wasn't able to take healthy steps at the appropriate times. this is how she is now. Perhaps it is the same for your MIL op. (Incidentally, after many years of unstinting support, I give the bereaved mother a wide berth these days).

Whether MIL is difficult, odd, or whatever, I still find it hard to get past the ease with which you referred to the 'daddy' naming in your OP, seemingly oblivious to the intense pain this would inevitably cause her; indeed, very angry at her response. imo she had to labour the point that she'd lost a son (which, again, made you very angry) and I wonder if she had to do that because she felt you have lost sight of that? Of course she would feel that her son's memory/role had been wiped out, particularly as your son was too young at the time to remember his father.

I'm sorry if I have spoken out of turn or been too blunt. I have not been bereaved, much less significantly, and I am aware that my perspective may be lacking as a result.

Heh yes Springy, I do realise they would say that However I'm also able to concede that I do have a tendency to waffle on. Happy medium is what I aim for these days

The suggestion I made about letting grandma build a store of memories was an effort to give her something to work at which might in a roundabout way help herself and give her a means of managing her grief somewhat. All the points that OP brings up about how MIL's actions might be damaging are definitely valid and as last few posters have said, there are things that need to be firmly addressed. I think there are ways to be assertive while still keeping mind the pain that might be driving the other person to act in the way they do.

Good luck with everything, HM.

I think it's lovely for you and your DS that he has someone to call Daddy, that he has someone to act as a Daddy and be there for him in a Daddy way.

But the fact that this is not your sons birth Daddy will kill your MIL. It should be her DS doing this, it should be her son being called Daddy and it must be such a kick in the stomach not only that he's not doing this, but that her grandson is now calling another man Daddy - and so quickly (which is the way of kids and I'm not blaming you at all) but I'm not sure you do understand how much this must be hurting her .

I know you say she's always had 'one excuse or another' to be 'let off' or 'gain sympathy' and I think this might be (understandably) clouding your judegment a bit.

My ex MIL was a complete and utter bitch, no two ways around it and I'm now very pleased (well was, she's since died) that her son and I didn't have children because I would have struggled to maintain any contact with her and something like this would have had her buried in the garden in a nano second - then I look at my Mum and I know how much it would kill her if anything happened to one of my brothers and his wife met someone else and his children started calling them Daddy. I think it would be the straw :(

Just supposing you died and your DP met someone else, (I presume you have arranged it so he would bring up DS if you were to die?) and your DS started calling her Mummy - how do you think your parents would feel?

Your DS is 4, why not get him to call your DP Daddy 'his name' when his Grandma is there and to call his birth Daddy, Daddy 'his name'. He's old enough to do that, he knows he has two Daddies and it's a little kinder on your MIL....

builtforcomfort you have said in one post what I've been trying to say for 4 years. Thank you for finally putting it into words!

Today is the anniversary of DHs death, so not a great day. But DP is getting me a takeaway tonight (if we can get to the Chinese to pick it up!) and I get to snuggle with the DSs to watch a DVD as they've been sent home early from school.

I know that MiL will probably be telling as many people as possible to get the most sympathy and attention today. I've had enough of the attention that we received after he died, so I'm keeping a low profile from her, FiL and friends on Facebook. I'll get the DSs to call her later and tell her about the snow, as I know that she would love to speak to them. I will be brief and polite, but I'm not going to say anything to her yet. I don't think I can do it over the phone, so I will try to find time to visit her and explain to her how I feel and how her actions have hurt me.

I will attempt to cut her some slack, but as angrytrees said, this is the last in a long line of slack cutting, so my patience is finite.

And holger, please don't listen to teenagers! You were not at all patronising and I so appreciate everyone who has taken the time to give me their opinions.

I think suggestions that you've moved on too quickly or that it is hurtful for your MIL are all rather unfair.

You are entitled to move on, it's what your DH would have wanted. It is too much to ask a four year old to switch names when his grandmother is around- that will seriously fuck with his sense of guilt/confusion/happiness.

She is a grown woman, yes it is sad, but you need support too. You've given her a lot of understanding. The time had come for her to put others first.

Thinking of you today HMtheQ. Not an easy day, no matter who you have around you (6 years for me next Sat ).

If you haven't got in touch with MIL today yet, can you bring yourself to send her just a 'thinking of you' text? And then hopefully speaking to her GDS will help, and it's lovely that all the boys will speak to her and have a chat about things in general. Hope she doesn't lay anniversary sadness on your DS though, too little to understand things like anniversaries really IMO.

It sounds like everyone but MIL is happy in the blended family though?

Perhaps losing her DH has put things in perspective and wants to value the people who love her and her family whilst they're still alive?

The name stuff is utter utter bollocks. How can anyone begrudge a small boy having someone he can call daddy??

I know that MiL will probably be telling as many people as possible to get the most sympathy and attention today

That sounds so mean and spiteful.

Really cold.

I know that MiL will probably be telling as many people as possible to get the most sympathy and attention today

That sounds so mean and spiteful.

Really cold.

Thinking of you all today :(

I understand that she's a difficult woman, but your comment I know that MiL will probably be telling as many people as possible to get the most sympathy and attention today is really nasty and uncalled for. Everyone is entitled to handle their grief in their own way. She lost her son - she's entitled to shout it from the roof tops any day, of any week, of any year, if it makes her feel any better.

Yes she is entitled to grieve for her son anyway she see fit - and it probably was cold. But I used it as an example to show the opposite of what im doing - ie not shouting from the rooftops. She can tell whoever she wants whenever she wants, but wearing her loss as a badge of honour to receive as much sympathy/help as she can makes me feel like she's doing it for attention, not because she is grieving. But then I am a much more private person than she is. Each to their own.

BuiltForComfort
What an excellent thread.

My thoughts are with you and HMTheQueen at your sad loss.

You know what HM, you tell her how much she has upset you but, be prepared to hear how upset she is and to listen to her aswell. Everyone grieves differently there is no wrong and right way.

HM you do NOT have the monopoly on grieving, however you choose to do it. Her grief as a parent probably does trump yours as a wife - they are totally different relationships.

Just put yourself in her place for one minute please.

HM - I don't want to argue with you, especially not today of all days! I feel for you, I really do, because as I said earlier, if it had been my ex mother in law, maintaining any contact would have taken super human powers and I'd have taken up far too much space on MN trying to deal with it!!

Maybe you are right, maybe she is just an attention seeking pita 'using' this to get attention OR maybe, she is genuinely grieving for her son and this is her way of coping & dealing with it.

Did you consider my suggestion of getting DS to call his birth Daddy, Daddy x and your DP Daddy y when he's around Grandma?

That must seriously hurt to hear her sons child call someone else daddy!

Especially to a man who has only been in his life since last year.

Did he just start calling him that or was is suggested?

It all seems very quick, met him last year, moved in and now he's calling him daddy!

I don't get it.

Your mil loves your son more than anything else in the world. She can provide him the comfort, the security of knowing his father intimately and being proud of his father. This will give him so much confidence.

And you want to limit that because you don't like her? And because you have a new man in your life, who face it, will love his own boys the most?

Please don't make this about you. It is not. Your mil has a special link to your son which neither you nor your dp or his new friends can substitute. She is his blood-link to his father.

OP you sound so cold.

It is fine if you want to bury your grief at your DH's death and focus on your new life and relationship - absolutely fine.

But you do not get to decide for everyone else, least of all his mother.

I (for once) agree with Flatbread, I cannot understand why you would want to limit what she can share with your DS about his father, unless you are trying to erase his memory in some way - which I am sure you are not.

You don't like her open grieving.

You grieve differently to her.

I don't even think its actually about that at all, I think you just don't like her.

HM, I don't know you, and have never been in your situation so feel free to ignore.

However, I lost both parents when I was young. I dealt with it very differently to my sisters. They were much more weepy & waily. A lot more 'visible grief'. I kept myself to myself and moved on with life. I never visited graves or did any of the other 'sentimental crap' that I saw them doing.

However, it turns out I wasn't really dealing with it at all. Turning everything off & moving on was my way of denying what happened. It all came back to bite me on the arse 10 years later. I was shocked as I thought I'd done so well

I'm not saying this is what you are doing at all. I'm merely saying that there is no such thing as appropriate grief. There is no correct or better way to behave and I don't know of anyone who puts it on for attention, even if it's not how you choose to behave.

Be careful, of your own feelings as much as hers, but don't let your way of doing things become the only way for your DS.

"Her grief as a parent probably does trump yours as a wife - they are totally different relationships".

FFS that really is too much. Different, yes. But to say one trumps another???? Now I've really heard it. Talk about cold or harsh! They are both mourning the same person FFS and they both miss him in different ways. They've lost different things. One is NOT more special than the other.

Yes people grieve differently and that can be difficult. if one person cries in private but functions in public whilst someone else sobs openly and needs people around them,that can be difficult for both to understand or even tolerate and clearly this has been an issue for OP.

Perhaps if OP had been the stroppy difficult demanding one for the last four years and her MIL had been the rock, stoical and dong her best to ensure that their family relationship was maintained, perhaps then we could say to the OP that it's MIL's turn for compassion and understanding, for OP to put her feelings to one side. But the MIL has smothered and overstepped boundaries and given life another difficult dimension for OP at the most horrendous time. And still things aren't right for her, and still it has to be about her. And still it's the OP having to take it on the chin except that this time it's got too much.

Perhaps if OP had been the stroppy difficult demanding one

Maybe her MIL thinks she has?

Oh and by the way isn't it just possible that OP, having married the man, borne his child, been his adult partner, might also have some insights into him that she's sharing with their son? MIL doesn't have the monopoly on this and OP has been clear that they do talk about her DS's Daddy, he calls him Daddy still after all, he hasn't stopped doing that, he says he has two Daddies.

Maybe she doesn't think it healthy for a small child to be receptacle of his GM's emotions, desires etc. ie something beyond sharing memories but instead becoming very intense. It is not a good thing for a child to have that type of focus.

It's about achieving a balance and MIL hasn't in the past shown herself capable of being balanced so OP seeks distance, MIL pushes more, OP distances (or seethes silently, becoming more resentful)... It's pretty familiar territory for a lot of DILs and MILs on here whether or not the son / DH is still here or not!

Not read every single post but must say that if my only son were to die and I heard my only Grandchild calling a man, a man not even married to my DIL, Daddy I would be horrified.

As for having the children of my DIL's partner calling me 'Grandma' ummmm no thanks. I don't think she's odd in not wanting that at all.