Issues with late DH's mother (MiL) and her reaction to current DP (Loooooooooong!)

[HMTheQueen]

This might be long, as I don't want to drip feed. Also I want to know if AIBU but I'm not brave enough to post there!

Quick history - DH died when DS was a baby (4 years ago). Have been with new DP for a year. He has 2 DSs and he is also a widower. So we (unfortunately) have quite a bit in common in that sense. When DH was alive, I had an OK relationship with his mother, with a few issues arising that were usually dealt with by DH - normal MiL stuff - her demanding that we spend Xmas with her rather than FiL (divorced 25 years ago) etc etc. Since I got pregnant and the subsequent birth of DS, we had quite a few run-ins with MiL overstepping the boundaries but DH dealt with them when he was alive and I have dealt with them since. (Search my name and you'll come up with a few threads about minor annoyances!)

Current situation - Last year I met DP after 3 years on my own with DS. We have moved in together and his DSs and my DS get along fabulously and consider themselves brothers. DS calls DP "Daddy".

All the Grandparents - my FiL, my parents, DP's dad, DP's in-laws - all treat all the DS's like grandchildren. The DS's call the grandparents by their names - nanny, grandad, grandpa etc - and generally everyone is happy that they have gained extra grandchildren and that DP and I have each other.

Except MiL. Immediately after the first meeting of DP, his DS's and MiL, MiL called me and the first thing she said was that she didn't want DP's DSs calling her "Grandma". She was quite forceful that she isn't their Grandma - she is my DS's Grandma and that's all. I said that's fine - it's up to her. I also thought (without saying) that it's no skin off my nose and they already have lots of grandparents willing to love them and treat them as grandchildren.

Current issue - DS and I stayed with MiL just before Xmas (overnight) as we were invited to a family friends wedding (DP and his DS's not invited as v. small wedding and didn't know B&G - everyone fine with that). During breakfast/playtime while getting ready for wedding DS was chatting about "Daddy" (DP) and his brothers.

MiL "You mean ".

DS "Yes, ".

MiL "He's not your Daddy."

I was fuming. But as DS was there, I didn't want to raise anything and I let it wash over me. In the car later, I spoke to DS about it (bearing in mind he is 4.7) and confirmed with him that DP is his "Daddy" as well as the Daddy he has in Heaven. He said he was very lucky as he had 2 daddies and 2 brothers. I agreed and we went down the 'Silly Grandma got confused' route.

I couldn't get MiL alone at the wedding (and didn't want to ruin B&G's day) so couldn't speak to her about this, so called while I was driving home in the afternoon (It's 2 hours away and DS fell asleep in the car). I told her that it was not appropriate for her to 'correct' DS and that as far as he was concerned DP is "Daddy". He also knows he has Daddy in Heaven and he feels very lucky to have 2 daddies and 2 brothers.

At which point MiL corrected me and called them "Step-brothers".

I explained that DS sees them as his family and that is what matters - not names or blood. DP is the only Daddy he has ever known and he is happy. She (half-heartedly) apologised then reiterated that she didn't want DP's DSs calling her Grandma as she isn't their Grandma. I said thats fine and her choice. She then felt it necessary to remind me that DS is the only child of her son who died so he is very special to her. I reminded her that I remembered him dying (what with being there at the time and all!). Basically she apologised (frostily) and we hung up on a very tense conversation.

Since Xmas she has spoken to FiL (remember - divorced 25 years ago - but she still relies on him a lot) and he has (essentially) bollocked her for being an idiot and jeopardising her relationship with her only grandchild.

She then rang me, apologised for the tense situation and said she'd be happy for DP's DSs to call her Grandma and she doesn't want to jeopardise her access to DS - which I would never do anyway - I would definitely not stop access with DH's family.

Here's the AIBU - AIBU to not want to see or speak to her at the moment. I'm still very very angry that she felt the need to correct a 4 year old as well as the fact that she thought it necessary to remind me that DH died. Like I didn't know, or had forgotten. I am so angry, I shake when I see her name come up on my phone and when I tried to call her back the other day, I could feel my heart racing. I DO NOT want to speak to her right now. She may have apologised and think its all better, but to me, she has done what she thinks she needs to do to see DS - not actually thought about how her actions may have affected me and DS. I am also not happy with seeing her or letting DS see her (for now) as I can't trust her not to say these things again, as she doesn't appear to understand why I am so angry.

If I could confirm that she realises the gravity of what she said and promised she wouldn't do it again, I'd be more than happy for her to see DSs. DP has been very supportive in all of this and is happy to back me up, whatever my decision - although we are both hesitant about her seeing his DS's as she will clearly favour my DS over them and we don't feel that is fair on on any of them.

I may potentially see her in the next week or so (great aunt's funeral) so could speak to her then about how she made me feel and the confusion she could have put DS through (but luckily he is a very chilled little boy and not much phases him!)

Do I speak to her at the funeral? Do I call her before hand (which would then create an atmosphere at the funeral)? Do I let it lie for a while and keep ignoring her calls (I answer maybe 1 out of 6 calls)? Am I being totally unreasonable and should let it go? I need MN wisdom as DP is sick of hearing about it and I'm sick of talking about it. Some sort of action needs to be taken.

Thanks for reading.

HM, your latest post is lovely and obviously deeply thought through. I don't think anyone thinks you a prize bitch. But I think so many of us responded strongly to what you are saying because you did just sound so angry. The threats to cut MIL out sounded unreasonable but your questions and consideration don't now.

To answer your question about when to stop allowing MIL to behave badly. My answer woud be you tell her now. You don't have to put up with her bad behaviour but you do have to tell her in a gracious, calm and considerate way. Not in a screaming match.

Tell her. Look MIL - your correction of ds was not OK. It upset me a lot and you could confuse ds. This is the line you must take and if you don't then it will make it harder for us to keep such frequent contact with you.

Thank you slambang - that is exactly what I will do. I fluctuate wildly between feeling like a bitch and feeling like I am justified in my anger. I will be calm and considered when I speak to her and hope that she understands my feelings.

Whatever she may be, whatever she is, your mil is worthy of compassion - as are you.

Extend some to her and save some for yourself because coping with a bereavement of such magnitude is never going to be easy, and in some ways it gets harder to bear as the years go by.

Your love for her ds and for his ds should enable you to build a bridge whereupon you can both come together in an accord which honours and respects his memory, while acknowleging that it's preferable for his ds to have a kind and caring stepfather than to grow up without benefit of paternal wisdom and guidance.

Please re read midnight masquerades post op.
I hope you can all move forward eventually.

OP: I think you've had a few harsh receptions on this thread, as well as a lot of really helpful advice. I don't think you're a bitch at all.

I think in the end, children come first. Putting aside all your anger with MIL, and putting aside her (totally reasonable) feelings, what is best for ds? It seems to me that the best things are secure relationships with all of his family - you, your partner, the memory of his dad, and his grandmother.

So I don't think you should give ground on ds calling your partner 'daddy', because being secure in that relationship is great for him. Also, it's done now, it would definitely be confusing for him to make him undo it.

You can't change your MIL's personality, only she can do that. If you can't deal with her all the time (obviously you have your own life to live and your own pain to deal with), you can set reasonable boundaries. Communication is key, agree reasonable levels of contact that won't drive you mad. Better to explain to MIL that you don't have time to talk daily, and arrange to talk twice a week, rather than just ignore the phone call, which will leave her feeling unwanted and insecure. But ultimately, your son's best interest is to have a strong relationship with her, so keep that aim central to whatever action you take.

As a person who lost their Father in childhood I too find this very sad.

I know that my Mum 'got over' my Dad's death in a way that us kids never did. She didn't keep his memory alive for me at all. I have no idea who he was. What his childhood was like (because no one talked about him) . How I am like him. so many questions that will never be answered.

As a child I didn't know this was missing. As an adult I do.

Your MIL keeping her DS alive for your DS is a wonderful gift for him. I can tell she annoys you and I am sure I know none of the history, but the gap left by your DH is (in my opinion, bearing mind I have never been widowed) bigger for your DS and your MIL.

I read your OP and just felt (as a bereaved child) so utterly sad.

I am sorry for your loss.

imo she will forever be a wounded person, for the rest of her life now. It sounds like she was a wounded person before she lost her son but now, dear me, she has lost everything. She only had one son, no husband, and now he's gone. The poor woman.

I know that will get your goat. I'm sorry (genuinely). Grief is a terrible thing. When my kids lost their dad, the venomous hatred they felt towards his widow because the widow got all the attention. ie there seems to be a kindof 'competition' in grieving. That's a horrible word and I 'd rather use another because it isn't conscious or spiteful competing, just unbearable pain and loss, wondering if our loss is heard and understood.

YOur griefs are maybe clashing at this point. I hope you can come through to some peace together. I know from bitter experience that boundaries need to be very strong around a bereaved person - for their sake as well as ours. I have been too 'soft' around a bereaved person and paid a high price for it. HOwever, there is a way to set boundaries without being harsh. Mighty hard to do, but absolutely essential.

HMTheQueen
I am in agreement with everything you say.

"Its like she is ignoring that DS is DS not DH. She's trying to foist DH's childhood onto DS."

I think you also need to address this with her.

Your son is his own person and this should be encouraged and celebrated. He must not be changed into something she wants him to be. It won't be good for him, he needs to develop 'his' own personality. Otherwise he may grow up feeling insecure or just never good enough.

I am sorry but I think she sounds like she is quite controlling.

Before anyone flames me, please understand, I feel very very sad for this poor lady, but the little boy's well-being is more important because he's got his whole life in front of him.

Thank you keepcool

I'm afraid I got angry last night and didn't explain myself very well, so I'm glad I've managed to get some of my points across in a more concise way.

I really do fear she is trying to make DS into a mini-DH. He's not - he's DS! She has actually said to me that it's a pity he has my skin tone and hair rather than DHs. Considering that DH died from skin cancer, I'm pretty happy DS isn't gingery with fair skin!

HMTheQueen
You are human, and she should know you well enough by now, so don't be too tough on yourself.

It's a monumental task when you are dealing with a strong personality who has probably always done things 'their' way.

I really do wish you lots of luck. I think you are going to need it, but you will get there because it's for your son. x

I actually shudder to think what would have happened if my dad had let us call another woman Mummy after a few years. It would have driven my GM over the edge. Yes, she is difficult, but you have to go out of your way for your son and her over this. You are moving on - that is fine and normal. But she. and your ds will feel a loss that will NEVER go away. You need to handle this sensitively. It is not about YOU.

I lost my dad before I was even born, my mum was 8 months pregnant when he died. She remarried when I was almost 3 and my older brother was 4.5 and went on to have another dc.

My gran had lost her only child when my dad died yet she welcomed my step-dad, dad to me, into her life. I called my step-dad dad and my 'real' dad was daddy Thomas. It helped differentiate! She was a wonderful, caring woman who spoke to me about my dad and what he was like but with no agenda or disparaging of my new dad.

She treated us all the same and when she died when I was 10 and she gave a small inheritance to all 3 of us, she treated my younger brother as her grandchild.

What I'm trying to say is that your Mil is grieving but I don't think that can excuse her behaviour. Of course you are angry. I'd have been heartbroken at any suggestion my dad wasn't my dad. I hope you can move on from this and hope your mil is more sensitive in the future.

I wanted to post as a friend of mine had a similar situation in her family quite some time ago. Her brother was married, 1 child, divorced. He then met a much younger woman, married, 1 child and then wife 2 died very sadly at just age 21 having only just been diagnosed with epilepsy. The brother after a couple of years met someone else (again very much younger), remarried had 2 more children. It was at this point that it was decided that child 2 would call wife 3 "Mummy". It upset enormously wife 2's parents who felt that their daughter had been forgotten. I was quite stunned by how my friend and her family dismissed the feelings of these still grieving people. You could see they were on the outside looking in to the new family group and were scared where they would fit in in the future.

These words that we use - Mummy, daddy and so on produce such strong powerful emotions in all of us. No wonder your 1st MIL reacted strongly.

I wish you all well. As a PP said it will be a difficult road and sometimes you will all get it wrong. I guess your compassion and acknowledgement of your shared past will help you get through it. You've talked about this incredible broader family of "grandparents" - could some of them take some of the burden off you by talking to 1st MIL and letting her see that DH is acknowledged still by the whole family.

I think if it comforts your ds to call the people he lives with Daddy and Brother then your mil should accept that. Let her tell him stories of your dh but you are right to allow your son the security of strong family bonds in your new family unit.

Honsandrevels. What a lovely family you have. It just goes to show that these things can work out OK .

What a very sad time for everyone. Both sides of the story are valid, of course.

You have had so much good advice already but I just wanted to pick up on one thing that someone else mentioned: If your son hasn't already got one then I think it would be a wonderful solution to let his grandmother have the 'job' of working on a memory box with him. It is a great way of keeping someone's presence alive and will be an invaluable treasure for him as he gets older. And it can be an ongoing thing so doesn't even need to have a beginning and an end - in addition to the box she could buy a nice journal (or you could get it for her as a gift) and write little stories or memories so that when your son is older he can get to know his father. I have a feeling this might help a little and also alleviate her fear that her son is being lost and forgotten.

I'm sorry if I sound patronising, my kids inform me that i have a terrible habit for lecturing. Most of all, I hope that things will come to a peaceful resolution so that your son will have the widest family network possible and a good connection to his dad's side of the family.

Haven't had time to read all the thread but apologies if repeating what others have said. Agree it's a tricky situation, but can't help but feel for your MIL.
It is wonderful that you have found happiness and that your little boy has a daddy figure; you both deserve that after all the sadness. But presumably your MIL is alone and nothing will ever fill the gap of a deceased son; I am virtually in tears at the thought of how that would feel. She probably struggles with seeing you being one happy family while she is still grief stricken.

She has apologised; I think you should cut her some slack. My experience with older relatives on their own is that they dwell on any upsets, and she is already vulnerable. So my advice would to be pleasant, bite your tongue and sound off on here or to friends/DP.

Good luck. Wishing you all happiness.

and how old are said kids Holger? I'd take what they say with a pinch of salt iiwy. YOur last para surprised me as I didn't see any evidence of patronising or lecturing.

great posts. HOw are you OP?

I wish all the people posting about your MIL's loss being greater or more significant or more difficult than your loss OP would stand back and reconsider. Please also stop talking about OP "moving on." A new partner does not mean she has moved on from her grief, but that she has moved her life on, because that's what happens in life. Generally. Unless you're MIL.

Everyone in this situation has experienced, and continues to suffer from, a tremendous loss. The OP, the MIL and FIL, DS, siblings of OP's DH, friends, colleagues. The loss of a child and the loss of a spouse are different but you really can't weigh one above the other, please don't. OP has had to deal with this loss whilst bringing up a small child on her own. Being a lone parent is hard. Being a lone parent and dealing with grief is immense. OP has done this and continues to do this, whilst also shouldering a good deal of MIL's grief, tantrums and bad behaviours which were already part of her character before OP's DH died.

Were MIL happily married, with her own interests, partner, friends etc then whilst her loss would be just as terrible, she might well have coped better as she would have had a life, company etc. While OP soldiered on, bereaved, parenting alone, no partner to ease the burden, spend time with, do nothing with, go places with. Unable to throw herself into new activities, travelling, ambitious or busy career because she's a widowed parent of a small child, dealing with overwhelming grief and the needs of another person. But she's kept going, onwards, upwards, and she's met a lovely new partner - that's really a fabulous event.

MIL has sat and wallowed. Not found new interests or new friends or even a partner but has relied on OP and her DGS to provide her with a focus. Been overbearing, demanding, overstepped boundaries. And is still overstepping them by demanding that OP's son does not create his own security and comfort within his new family. She wants to stand still. Not let life move on.

There is a difference between life going on and grief going on. Life moving on doesn't mean you don't still miss the deceased person and wish that they had not died, or that you forget about them. But you choose. You stand still and drown in your grief, you let small things sink you and you put responsibility for your happiness onto other people. Or you move on with life, you take responsibility for your own happiness, make new connections whilst keeping in touch with the past.

OP may have rushed into things with new DP, she may not. As both she and her new partner are widowed chances are they will be very much on the same page. What a great opportunity for the bereaved parents and in-laws to welcome a new son in law or daughter in law figure, to have more grandchildren to love and cherish. MIL doesn't seem to see this as an opportunity but a threat.

So again - move on with life and take the joy that it brings, or reject it and hanker for the past which can never return? It's clear which MIL has chosen and that's not the OP's fault.

Springy, I was trying very hard not to, heh! I'm glad if I succeeded

My kids are teenagers (one is almost an adult) and they do have a point - I have a background in child care and that, coupled with a compulsion to analysis and a tendency to go over every angle of any given question or concept or whatnot, means i sometimes go overboard in trying to be helpful and start sounding like I think I am some kind of expert

BuiltForComfort wish there was a 'Like' button.

I may be wrong, but it sounds like you've been the "strong one" after your husbands death, and have always been expected to put other people's feelings first (son, MIL, etc). Who put your feelings first? That really isn't a tenable situation, and maybe now you're realising that? That may be why you feel so angry, and are making quite a firm stand about this now? Sorry if this isn't the case, but I think maybe thinking about this a bit may help you address underlying issues, and get a clearer picture of how you move forward with MIL and the rest of your late DH's family.

On the Dss' calling her Grandma: my dad died when I was 20, before either of my DS were born. My mum remarried and although my DC call my SF by his Christian name, my mother ALWAYS signs cards from Nanny & Grandad [surname] and I LOATHE it.

He is NOT their GF and although I haven't said anything I really don't agree with it.

I agree with you, BuiltForComfort. Especially with the first two paragraphs.

OP I took a look at some of your other posts about your MIL like you suggested earlier on in your thread, and I can understand your worries about your mother in law. It sounds like you've been trying to establish boundaries for the sake of your son (and your own sanity) for years at this point, and I'm not surprised you've reached a point where you feel like you can't deal with it anymore.

I wish I knew what to suggest for you to do. Your thread about her two years ago mentions some pretty serious issues: her making your son the main reason for living and placing all this expectation on him. It does sound like you want what's best for your son and are afraid that the way she acts will have a negative effect on him, and have been afraid of this for a long time.

"DS... he's only 2.7! He can't cope with all her attention, hopes, fears, and still be a normal little boy. It's not fair on me or him - she will need to learn to cope." You wrote this two years ago and this is still your fear today. It doesn't sound like the situation has improved much, if at all.

One little boy can't have all this expectation and weight put on him at such a young age. I sympathise massively with her for losing her son, but I think you may be right about trusting her to look after her grandson physically but not emotionally. He's only four years old.