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Original poster

Open relationships

92 replies

pettykins · 15/01/2013 21:57

After 15 years of monogamy my DH has convinced me that we can be happier in a more open relationship. This followed his confession of a number of casual sexual encounters and a deeper relationship with a woman living in another country (yes, all this info came at once). He claims that he needed to "get the casual sex out his system" as I had been his first proper relationship and we married young. For him it was a release and a realisation that it was in fact no big deal and made him appreciate me more. He says he loves and is deeply committed to me and our children and this other relationship is a deep friendship which is helping him find himself. The argument is that one person cannot provide everything for the other. Since I realised that I could accept him and that "fidelity" had been a something of a "sacred cow" for me and I could accept to let it go, we have had the most passionate sex for years, the best conversations and a wonderful new intimacy. Are there any women out there who have had any similar experience - did you go on to have other relationships yourself? Did you ever cope with unwanted feelings of jealousy even if you had accepted it? Is it really possible to change the basis of your marriage so fundamentally and be happy? Opinions please!

OP posts:
SweetSeraphim · 15/01/2013 22:04

Are you writing an article?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/01/2013 22:06

Opinion? I think you're deluding yourself rather. Always a very nasty shock to find you're with a cheat & I expect you've rationalised it away that anything is better than being on your own. But it really isn't. 'Unwanted feelings of jealousy'... be honest. You just mean 'very natural jealousy'. Don't demean yourself by accepting this one-sided arrangement. You'll only feel cheap.

Xales · 15/01/2013 22:11

Get out there start looking and let your H know that you are. Let's hope he is as happy when it is you sowing your oats and having wild fun casual sex...

Personally I couldn't trust someone who had lied to me over the years and had casual sex when we were supposed to be exclusive and I knew nothing about it. That isn't an open relationship. That is one partner being deceitful and cheating and the other being kept in the dark. I have no respect for liars.

Use condoms with him and other partners and get an STI check as you don't actually know how safe any of his casual sexual relationships where when you were in the dark..

elizadofuckall · 15/01/2013 22:12

After 15 years of monogamy my DH has convinced me that we can be happier in a more open relationship

You were monogamous...not him and you are kidding yourself. If this was something that he wanted for you both, why did he not bring it up before shagging around and then having a 'deeper relationship'?

The only thing this man is 'deeply committed' to is his cock!

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 15/01/2013 22:14

I totally can see the attraction in an open relationship. Tbh if my relationship with DH ever ended I don't think I'd get into another monogamous relationship again.

But the very fact that your DH has had to "convince" you that you'll both be happier tells me that it's not for you.

I suspect your DH's conviction that you'll both be happier in an open relationship might change somewhat if and when you get into a 'deeper relationship' with another man. Arf! Grin

I think the passionate sex and wonderful new intimacy is hysterical bonding.

Good luck!

BunnyLebowski · 15/01/2013 22:24

I'm a big believer in open relationships. The unnatural and unrealistic expectation/pursuit of monogamy is why this board is filled with stories of disappointed spouses/ failed relationships.

However, it really doesn't sound like your situation is a mutually and equally desired one. It sounds like it's being foisted upon you. Not the basis for a successful "arrangement".

cronullansw · 16/01/2013 04:26

I'm surprised that the OP has already had two positive, supportive responses, and now I'll make it three.

My dp and I were open fro many years, sometimes together, sometimes separately. Currently, and for the last 8 or so years we are closed. We had a lot of fun in the open days, we have a lot of fun now. I hope it works for the op.

TinyDancingHoofer · 16/01/2013 05:13

Get thee to a GUM clinic!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/01/2013 08:06

'Deep relationships' with women from overseas ... definitely need those STI checks.

BoyMeetsWorld · 16/01/2013 08:17

I think this does sound a little like an article scoop too...apologies if not! My thought is, he may well love you. But under the current circumstances he's certainly not 'deeply committed'. He just wants to have his cake & eat it. Lots of it. Which is fine & good if you 100% do too. Fidelity might have been up on a pedestal but if it was your beliefs, YOUR sacred cow, why compromise that?? I think he's being extremely selfish & I agree with the other poster who says the great sex sounds like frantic hysterical bonding. Heightened emotion always makes sex better - doesn't mean it's a stable state for your long term wellbeing

Locketjuice · 16/01/2013 08:23

If it was an open relationship why have you only found out 15 years later?

Original poster
pettykins · 16/01/2013 08:50

It was monogomous until this last year and I believe strongly that it is true so he has not been lying to me for years. He admitted that fidelity had been a difficult concept from the very beginning but had been unable to discuss it with me. Now, having admitted all we are not going to have any secrets. GUM clinics have been visited and all is clear...
Thanks for those who don't see this has wholly negative. I do think that I can see the bigger picture and "sacred cow holding" is not the way to find mutual happiness.

OP posts:
Original poster
pettykins · 16/01/2013 08:53

By the way, no article here - just my crazy life and I am writing about it here because I can't yet discuss it with my close friends and need some response to help my thinking.

OP posts:
meditrina · 16/01/2013 08:55

He may want an open relationship, but do you?

Have some space away from him and think about it.

JustAHolyFool · 16/01/2013 08:56

I don't think a good open relationship can be based on him having affairs.

Original poster
pettykins · 16/01/2013 08:58

The topic of me having another relationship is an interesting one and in many as some of you say is the true test of this openness. I personally don't feel the need at the moment and with a toddler and a teenager I'm not too free to sow wild oats.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/01/2013 09:02

I feel very sorry for you....

TobyLerone · 16/01/2013 09:03

Open relationships can absolutely work.

'Open' relationships where one partner has been cheating ('cheating' being far different to 'sleeping with someone else with your partner's consent') and has 'persuaded' the other partner that it's a good idea? This will never work and will all end in tears.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/01/2013 09:08

"He admitted that fidelity had been a difficult concept from the very beginning but had been unable to discuss it with me."

So why did he marry you and have children if it was such a difficult concept? I have no problem with anyone who says they struggle to remain faithful but I have a big problem with someone who feels that way but then chooses to get married and - even worse - bring kids into the picture. It's very dishonest. Now you're left home literally holding the baby while he has carte blanche to tomcat around the world with a clear conscience? That's not an equal arrangement. That's taking advantage of someone - you - because you're boxed into a corner.

JustAHolyFool · 16/01/2013 09:09

So there's your answer OP. He can go out, shag who he likes, you're left at home with the kids.

Does that really sound like a good deal to you?

Original poster
pettykins · 16/01/2013 09:12

What is in fact the reality of a modern open relationship? Does it mean that one simply accepts causual sex encounters as unthreatening to the main relationship or does it mean there can be significant others on the margins of the main relationship whose contact is under certain conditions? Or both?

What I want is stability and a husband who is happy enough in himself to be the best he can be. At this point I don't want to have another relationship myself and tbh would prefer he didn't have one but I think I can sacrifice my pride and go with it.

OP posts:
JustAHolyFool · 16/01/2013 09:14

Well it depends on your relationship OP, you make your own terms.

You would prefer he didn't have a relationship, so why are you doing this? I feel really sad for you.

TobyLerone · 16/01/2013 09:15

The reality of any relationship should be 'whatever both partners agree works for them'.

Anything outside of this, whatever the agreement may be, is cause for concern.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/01/2013 09:18

"I think I can sacrifice my pride and go with it"

You'll think better of it when reality hits home and you're necking down booze or anti-depressants. Why should anyone, in a loving marriage, have to sacrifice their pride? What's left if you have no self-respect?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/01/2013 09:18

I congratulate you on having had a frank conversation with your DH. Honesty is the best policy.

From my high horse I would say, pity he didn't let you in on this need for other partners before you tried for a baby because if this has come out of the blue, I would strongly doubt he has only chosen this path just in the past 12 months, sorry.

Fwiw I haven't tried this way of life myself and the only couple I know who did, found it very one sided because again, it was at the husband's instigation, and having school age children hampered the wife's activities. I am sure that if both partners are happy and have agreed on what boundaries are in place it is nobody else's business.

Anyway good luck, use protection and hope you yourself find enthusiastic and reliable partners who are able to separate sex and love in their heads.

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