Open relationships

[pettykins]

After 15 years of monogamy my DH has convinced me that we can be happier in a more open relationship. This followed his confession of a number of casual sexual encounters and a deeper relationship with a woman living in another country (yes, all this info came at once). He claims that he needed to "get the casual sex out his system" as I had been his first proper relationship and we married young. For him it was a release and a realisation that it was in fact no big deal and made him appreciate me more. He says he loves and is deeply committed to me and our children and this other relationship is a deep friendship which is helping him find himself. The argument is that one person cannot provide everything for the other. Since I realised that I could accept him and that "fidelity" had been a something of a "sacred cow" for me and I could accept to let it go, we have had the most passionate sex for years, the best conversations and a wonderful new intimacy. Are there any women out there who have had any similar experience - did you go on to have other relationships yourself? Did you ever cope with unwanted feelings of jealousy even if you had accepted it? Is it really possible to change the basis of your marriage so fundamentally and be happy? Opinions please!

"See what his reaction is. I think that will be telling."

His reaction will be 'great!!!' because a) he knows the OP is faithful and doesn't want anyone else, and b) it justifies his own actions. You can't shame a shameless man.

Cognito, sadly I suspect you're right. That is hugely depressing.

I think there is s simple way to resolve this.

Tell him you've thought about it and the answer is no.

What do you think will happen next?

I was just about to say that you appear to be in the "hysterical bonding" phase following revelation of faithlessness but I see that it has already been mentioned.

Open relationships only work if both parties want one.

Do you want one?

Belalugiowhatever, im not sure what the smiley means, or what you mean by "says it all really", but I offered him the option when we were talking about other kinky stuff, and I came to the conclusion that just because he wasnt ok with me doing it, that didnt automatically make me not ok with it if he did it. That bit did turn out to be a problem, so we re-evaluated, and now its monogamous again. Im sure there will be times in the future where it might open up again, but right now weve got loads of completely unrelated shit going on, so its not even being talked about.
Its probably a bit off the wall for a lot of people, but im only talking about it here because its relevant. Its not a big part of our life or identity, but I do know that I dont have an issue with him having sex with other people, as long as I was the primary relationship and as long as everyone is informed and aware of it, and its not something he goes looking for. An emotional affair on the other hand, would probably kill me.

I dont think the OPs situation sounds anything like a genuine open relationship, or polyamorous. It sounds like a woman with a cheating husband who is trying to co-erce her, which is worlds apart IMO

Just come on line to see more posts and make my last post on the topic. Have also had long chat with DH on topic this afternoon with extra ideas in mind which has actually been positive. This has been my first experience of revealing such a private thing on a public forum and it's been quite scary. Thanks for the food for thought everyone.

This forum is aonymous and, although it may feel akin to washing dirty linen in public, threre's nothing to fear from posting here as confidentiality is assured.

An open relationship is a concept I've often given thought to and practice in terms of having multiple fwbs, and I therefore hope you haven't made your last response as I'm curious to know what conclusion(s) you reach and how it works out for you.

When do you get to start getting laid whilst he babysits?

I do think this is a 'troll' concoction but in the highly unlikely event that it is true, I have to say he was not being very open about it when he was having affairs and casual liaisons behind your back and choosing to conceal them from you.

Yes that last post was very flat and disengaged. Journo definitely. Pffff, what a bunch of crap.

I think the last post by OP is very telling. That's if it was ever a genuine thread.

She has done what so many do after posting on here. And that is post about an arsehole of a dh and then once they get get (sensible) responses to the tune that she is made a mug of, start to back peddle. I think what so many want to hear really is that he sounds ok and don't leave him.

Not saying it is easY or even necessary to walk out and I would feel the same I guess. I've been with my dp soo long and have a happy life. I would hate to lose him but OMG I would if I had to face what some women do! Open relationships(one sided), joining dating sites, ppaying for sex. How much humilation will some women take?

I would hate to have to rebuild my life alone, but I'd rather do that than lose all my self respect.

One rule for him and another for you?

Fuck another man, let him know it, let him know how great it was, how you are also finding yourself through other encounters, and report back how happy he is for you.

BTW.... coercing a partner into accepting sexual practices/arrangements that they find offensive or demeaning is one definition of 'emotional abuse'.

Bella - thanks for the insult(s), and for others, the quote added by Bella wasn't from me.

reading back, I think id still feel it was worth thinking about, but really DO think about whether its right for you, and dont let yourself be coerced if its not your bag. Theres no shame in wanting monogamy. If youre going along with it just to keep him, then its not really going to work as you'll forever feel hurt, but if you think youd actually be ok with it with the right ground rules, then there is nothing wrong with giving it a try either. You might have a lot of fun.

and CarmenElectra. How much humiliation will some women take??? Humiliated in front of who??? The last thing you want to do when setting your own relationship boundaries is worry too much about what other people think.

Err branleuse, have I missed something? No boundaries regarding OP having an open relationship were there?? Just her dh deciding now this is the route to take(after taking it on his own for yrs!).

Anyway I'm not arguing the toss about someone elses marriage , someone who has fucked off too.

The way I see it though, there are too many posters on here who will accept anything to keep their men. I'm not talking about boundaries that were set initially, but boundaries men decide to cross after X amount of yrs together. The woman comes on here initially, distraught. Then talks herself into the fact that is he an ok man after all!!