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Original poster

Open relationships

92 replies

pettykins · 15/01/2013 21:57

After 15 years of monogamy my DH has convinced me that we can be happier in a more open relationship. This followed his confession of a number of casual sexual encounters and a deeper relationship with a woman living in another country (yes, all this info came at once). He claims that he needed to "get the casual sex out his system" as I had been his first proper relationship and we married young. For him it was a release and a realisation that it was in fact no big deal and made him appreciate me more. He says he loves and is deeply committed to me and our children and this other relationship is a deep friendship which is helping him find himself. The argument is that one person cannot provide everything for the other. Since I realised that I could accept him and that "fidelity" had been a something of a "sacred cow" for me and I could accept to let it go, we have had the most passionate sex for years, the best conversations and a wonderful new intimacy. Are there any women out there who have had any similar experience - did you go on to have other relationships yourself? Did you ever cope with unwanted feelings of jealousy even if you had accepted it? Is it really possible to change the basis of your marriage so fundamentally and be happy? Opinions please!

OP posts:
Original poster
pettykins · 16/01/2013 09:21

I think that sounds spot on TobyLerone. What we are doing is re-defining "whatever works for us", and redefine it must if we are to have a future together. I do believe once the agreement is fleshed out he will stick to it with honesty and dare I say his own feeling of integrity.

I am doing this because still believe what we have it too good to lose.

OP posts:
meditrina · 16/01/2013 09:22

I don't think I'd want to be in an open relationship, personally.

That said, if a partner developed a different view over time, I'd do my best to give them a fair hearing. But that would not extend to multiple affairs begun in secrecy, with all the attendant dishonesty. No amount of relabelling after the affair/s even begins to tackle that betrayal.

TobyLerone · 16/01/2013 09:25

Pettykins, that's all well and good. But if you go into this because you've been in any way persuaded to, it will make you miserable. I guarantee it :(

bringbacksideburns · 16/01/2013 09:26

Get out there start looking and let your H know that you are. Let's hope he is as happy when it is you sowing your oats and having wild fun casual sex...

That will be the tester won't it? He's happy for you both to embark on an Open relationship. Sounds like he's been having one for years without your knowledge anyway so that isn't Open, it's cheating Confused
It doesn't matter how much he dresses it up as some sort of existentialist angst at 'finding himself.'
I think if you were to now do what he has done to find yourself, on your own, having sex with other men he doesn't know or approve of, he'd very quickly go off the whole concept of an Open relationship somehow.
Is he really happy for you to do this and have you actually slept with anyone else??

OwlLady · 16/01/2013 09:28

I think if you are going to have an open relationship with someone it is more moral to discuss it with them first rather than 'get it out of your system' behind the persons back and then convince them it's a great thing to do Hmm what an absolute wanker

bringbacksideburns · 16/01/2013 09:29

At this point I don't want to have another relationship myself and tbh would prefer he didn't have one but I think I can sacrifice my pride and go with it.

That is very sad OP. He is redefining your relationship and you are going along with it.

JustAHolyFool · 16/01/2013 09:29

I don't really understand why you think he'll be honest now. He hasn't been for the past year.

You're sacrificing your pride. What's he sacrificing? What happens if you decide you don't want this? Would he stay? Or is it just you that thinks your relationship is too good to lose?

I hope you don't think I'm having a go at you OP, I'm not. I'm mad at him.

OwlLady · 16/01/2013 09:30

it seems to me he tried it out beforehand to see whether he liked it, decided he did and you had to go along with it. I wonder what would have happened if he didn't like it, you would have been none the wiser. He sounds like a self centred prick

I don't know what has come over me but I seem to be more angry about his behaviour towards you than you are

Snorbs · 16/01/2013 09:32

So this agreement wasn't so much mutually arrived at after an open and honest exchange of views, but was more him saying "I have been and will continue to shag anyone I feel like shagging. If you don't like it then you are free to fuck off."

Original poster
pettykins · 16/01/2013 09:35

I haven't slept with anyone else since I met him, I wasn't looking. Maybe you few are right that I need to look elsewhere but I can't see me being able to do that separation of love and sex thing and I might just discover something better elsewhere....

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 16/01/2013 09:37

You say you have found a new level of intimacy. Call me an old cynic but he's probably thinking Phew! Got that all off my chest and everything's dandy.

I believe that only a tiny minority of 'Open' relationships work - and that they probably start mutually with much discussion and respect for the other person beforehand. This hasn't happened here.

meditrina · 16/01/2013 09:38

"I might just discover something better elsewhere...."

That's the spirit! I think there will be many men who can offer more, including no secret extra-marital shagging. Have you yet discovered what alibis and other deceptions he was prepared to use to dupe you before he confessed these affair/s and solicited your consent for them?

FergusSingsTheBlues · 16/01/2013 09:38

Why would you want somebody who needs to be rutting away like a horny old goat?

Hes v self centred, OP!

Original poster
pettykins · 16/01/2013 09:39

It's funny that in some ways it was easier to accept after it had happened than agreeing to it in advance.

OP posts:
BunnyLebowski · 16/01/2013 09:43

The only way an open relationship can work is if a) it's what both parties genuinely want, b) the original relationship is still the most important priority to both parties and c) clear rules are established after honest open discussions.

It will never work if one party embarks on the "arrangement" without informing the other. Especially if said party knows that the other will never be tempted/have time to have a dabble. As I suspect your DH does.

And it will never work if it's being used by one party as the cowardly exit strategy from a bad relationship.

OP - from your posts it's clear that you don't want an open relationship. You want a way to hang on to your OH. Sad and understandable as your situation is, opening up your relationship is not the answer. You'll end up getting even more hurt in the end.

OwlLady · 16/01/2013 09:43

you have made sure he has been using condoms havent you?

ThingummyBob · 16/01/2013 09:44

It will end in hurt. Most likely yours Sad

I hope this is a journo as I'd feel very sorry for anyone considering being coerced into an 'open' relationship as a way to excuse the infidelity of one partner.

How does he treat you in other areas of your life together. Is he always so disrespectful to you, the mother of his children?

WhereMyMilk · 16/01/2013 09:45

it was monogamous till last year

No it wasn't-he was shagging around behind your back having multiple affairs and you're fooling yourself if you think any different.

You're abandoning your own beliefs and self identity and confidence to this faithless sexually incontinent fuckwit twunt.

Sell him a ticket to the far side of fuck, and when he gets there tell him to fuck off some more.

bumhead · 16/01/2013 09:45

Sounds to me like he's holding you to ransom.
It's either his way or the highway.
If it's so equal Op, why doesn't he look after the kids so you can go out and shag someone else?
How will you feel the first time you're at home with the babies knowing he is somewhere fucking some other woman?

Original poster
pettykins · 16/01/2013 09:49

He has been using condoms, it was one of my first questions. According to the post about conditions, point b) is clearly yes - no way would I accept otherwise. Point c) has been discussed but I believe is achievable. Point a) is the sticking point. I am not 100% genuine but I am capable of change.

OP posts:
OwlLady · 16/01/2013 09:52

do you trust that he has been using them though? there seems to be so much he hasn't told you and what he hasm told you has been to suit himself

Original poster
pettykins · 16/01/2013 09:55

I think if I asked him to stay with the kids while I did exactly what I wanted he would. The thing is, what excites me more is going off to sing in a choir all day or see a show, just having a shag on the side to make a point or get a bit of revenge wouldn't be my number one desire.

OP posts:
Doha · 16/01/2013 09:57

Maybe you few are right that I need to look elsewhere but I can't see me being able to do that separation of love and sex thing and I might just discover something better elsewhere....

Oh dear this will all end in tears--yours.
Won't be long till he is going off on weekends away and holidays with OW of the moment while you areat home looking afteryour DC's

This is not the type of relationship DC's shopuld be exposed to. I think the clock is ticking very loudly on the demise of your relationship.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/01/2013 10:00

I am doing this because still believe what we have it too good to lose

or perhaps, what you thought you had.

It is quite a leap from being loved up with one person to giving himself permission to have extra marital flings.

OwlLady · 16/01/2013 10:02

He does sound so selfish, he will look after the dc's whilst you sing in a choir,not whilst you do some 1970's porn enactment with Alan the plumber who he drinks with in the pub

You are talking about revenge too, that really doesn't sound like someone who is happy with the situation they have been put in. I do hope you are okay