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Original poster

Reasons not to have an affair

252 replies

Callyfornication · 12/01/2013 22:00

Ok..... I am 23, he is 33. Ive been single for 5 months and he's married with a baby. Predictably, we work together, and we have to travel to France 1 week every 8 weeks. We went to France 2 weeks ago and on 1 night, after a lot of wine we ended up in his hotel room. Tbh I feel like it's been building up for ages and he's been the one putting the effort in buttttt he is fit and really sweet and I have enjoyed it....

Pleased to report we didn't kiss or shag but he gave it his best shot. I slurred about his marital vows and left.... I feel like a bit of an idiot for getting into that situation and can't guarantee if it happen again I wouldn't do it though, and the sexual tension is sky high. Ive spoken to a couple of mates about it who have all said they would have gone there which has made me feel a bit less guilty (but also less confident of what I'd do if theres a next time).

Advice? Could everyone tell me all the horror stories and worst cases so I don't go there....?

OP posts:
Original poster
Callyfornication · 15/01/2013 20:24

PS Hecate the texts, presents, buying lunches, going for meals/evenings out, making mixtapes, extra help at work, etc started way before the getting drunk. We have been close for about 3 months. Despite that I do agree I am probably not the first person since marrying that he's fancied.

OP posts:
Original poster
Callyfornication · 15/01/2013 20:28

PPS badinage he was just as drunk and if we had sex, it would have been awkward and morally wrong, but not rape. In terms of responsibility I'm his senior (he's a specialist and hasn't been with the firm long).

OP posts:
HecateWhoopass · 15/01/2013 20:31

Yes. I bet you're not the first person he's gone after.

And he's probably been successful.

I am not being horrible, just realistic, when I say the following -

If you think that this was a good and loving, faithful and devoted partner and then husband until he met you, at which point he found himself overcome with passion and was compelled to pursue you, forsaking his marriage vows... you are fooling yourself.

He'll be dipping his wick far and wide.

Badvoc · 15/01/2013 20:32

He is a cheating bastard.
You are deluded and your mates are immoral bitches.
HTH

Badvoc · 15/01/2013 20:33

Oh...it's just sooo....predictable isnt it!?
I bet his wife doesn't understand him does she op?
Diddums.
Poor him.

pickledsiblings · 15/01/2013 20:35

OP, well done for starting this thread and for saying 'no'. I think you should spell it out for him - tell him that you made a mistake going back to his room and that you won't be doing that again.

You deserve better btw.

Original poster
Callyfornication · 15/01/2013 20:40

Hecate I'm sure you're right - I haven't disagreed with that, at all. I just... I don't think he's a beacon of morality or a great husband or person, just fun to be around. I am under no illusions. Some of the most fun people I know are irresponsible.

Badvoc it's achingly cliched Grin. I've never discussed his wife or child with him; tbh I don't discuss wives or children with anyone from work as I don't find wives and children very interesting topics.

OP posts:
SundaeGirl · 15/01/2013 20:41

Badvoc - what motivates a post like yours?

SanityClause · 15/01/2013 20:44

There are two people having an affair at work.

Currently, he is very ill in hospital. He has been in intensive care.

She has no way of finding out how he is, except as a colleague. She cannot sit with him in hospital (next to his wife?). She cannot show her emotions about what is happening.

I do feel very sorry for her, although it is her own silly fault.

It this the kind of thing you want to hear?

HecateWhoopass · 15/01/2013 20:50

Yes. I'm sure they are.

Not fun for the people they hurt though.

I don't know, I am just a firm believer in treating people how you would want to be treated. In the background of any 'fun' that is to be had is a woman with a small baby who doesn't deserve some cheating louse for a husband.

That would just knock all the fun out of it for me. I don't think I would be able to forget what he was doing to someone he claimed to love, long enough to have any fun with him.

I'd just be there looking at him and thinking, your wife thinks you love her...

Dozer · 15/01/2013 21:16

Reason not to have an affair: he made you a mix tape!

What fanciable 30-something man still makes mix tapes? Grin

you haven't been "close": he has been friendly so that he can try to shag you.

Original poster
Callyfornication · 15/01/2013 21:18

Hecate I'm pretty sure that woman with a small baby already has a cheating louse for a husband and nothing I do will change that.

OP posts:
redbunnyfruitcake · 15/01/2013 21:19

I just can't help thinking how incredibly selfish all of this is. On the part of the OP and the married man. Regardless of who is to blame for marriage break ups, who should be behaving themselves or whatever other thing there is to focus on in this situation the overriding sentiment is the utter fucking misery this situation is going to cause.

HecateWhoopass · 15/01/2013 21:23

Yes.

but you won't be a part of it. If you reread what I said, it was not that without you, he would not cheat.

anyway, it's clear that you will do what you will do.

I just feel so sorry for his wife, with that thing for a husband. Whether it's you or not, it'll be someone. Probably several someones.

Original poster
Callyfornication · 15/01/2013 21:23

Dozer innit, massive cliche on the mixtape. However I disagree on your second point. If I thought every man being friendly to me was only doing so for sex I'd be a saaaad, lonely person. Plenty of men have made me mixtapes Grin

OP posts:
MidnightMasquerader · 15/01/2013 21:24

Surely you can do better than a cheating louse of a man, Cally? Even if his wife can't...?

You've said you can already on this thread, so prove it.

Original poster
Callyfornication · 15/01/2013 21:27

MidnightMasquerader do better for what? To associate with, to be friends with, to have sex with, to have an affair with, to fall in love with? I'm not repulsed by him - maybe I should be, but I'm not.

OP posts:
Arseface · 15/01/2013 21:28

This kind of thing happened to me a lot when I was in my early twenties and I remember feeling slightly disappointed and a bit disgusted. Loved the sophisticated intellectual banter I'd get from thirtysomething men at work but wasn't looking to shag them. Made me feel quite stupid for mistaking their interest for professional respect, or friendship.

I learned to recognise when it was going a bit too far and nip it in the bud.
I was, and remain, annoyed that it was my responsibility to do this as a younger woman.

You sound lovely and way out of this bloke's league. I doubt you'd look twice at him if you hadn't been thrown together for work.
Took him quite a while to take the hint that you weren't interested. Quite apart from the cheating, he sounds like hard work and a bit of a twat. The absolute opposite of a fun shag!

You dodged a bullet there.

MidnightMasquerader · 15/01/2013 21:33

You can do better to have a dalliance with. Confused Nothing more, nothing less. You're sloppy seconds if you go with him. Even if just for a one-off, torrid, roll in the sack.

I have to say that I think your forum of choice for advice on this is a slightly odd one... Grin

DontmindifIdo · 15/01/2013 21:43

OP - be selfish back, you are in a very vunerable position right now, you work with this man. You will be the object of gossip. People will have noticed. Lunches, dinners, longing looks, in jokes, just a little tooo much attention paid to him...

Really as a woman it's hard to be taken seriously in a lot of jobs, without making yourself seem like the office joke. Step away, start acting a bit more professionally at work. No 1-to-1 lunches with married men, no little dates. You need to try to act a little more professionally.

Personally, I'd start looking for a new job. You are going to stall there.

redbunnyfruitcake · 15/01/2013 21:44

I agree with the strange choice of forum but from one of your posts you made it clear you were interested to hear from OW as well as the general public. From my experience of having an emotional affair, you are already having an affair. The emotional component of an affair usually precedes the sexual and is as potent and damaging as the actual sexual affair. Sharing jokes, getting drunk together, going to his hotel room, the giving of intimate gifts such as tapes is all crossing the line. Ok you haven't kissed or had sex but that is just the icing on the cake. The really exciting stuff is the stuff you are currently entertaining and is just as deceitful as the physical stuff. Don't keep kidding yourself Cally, if you are going to sleep with this man just go ahead and do it but be prepared for the consequences. If not, back off, change teams, change jobs, give him the cold shoulder, become ultra professional whatever it takes to give him the message that you are not available.

MaryPoppinsBag · 15/01/2013 21:46

Sundaegirl
I meant to be patronising.

I just don't get why the OP needs to start a thread on Mumsnet about why she shouldn't shag a married man with a baby.

She knows why. She should just tell him to fuck off, stop accepting gifts, lunch, meals out and mix tapes who has tapes these days anyway and she should stop flirting with him.

I get that this hurts you and others on this board. However, shrieking repeatedly at different posters that they are just a 'shag' (and worse) is just what you want to believe.

This hasn't happened to me BTW I just don't think the OP is as innocent as she is making out.

CheeseStrawWars · 15/01/2013 21:48

He probably fancies himself more than he fancies you.

Don't do it - you'll look back in years to come and be glad you swerved an unpleasant mess. Find someone you can have harmless fun with, if that's what you want. Fun with him would not be harmless.

Original poster
Callyfornication · 15/01/2013 22:17

I chose the forum because I've read heartbreaking tales about infidelity here and my friends and family would have no problem with me doing it (/him). I wanted to hear other opinions and be talked out of it, because the reason I didn't do it is because I don't think, personally and on some level, that it's right to have sex with a married man. Whilst I've had many genuine responses that have made me think more deeply and laterally about the options available, I've had some sad, misogynistic responses that have made me care less, frankly. If being part of the 'vow of sisterhood' makes you want to tear the hair out of a woman who owes you nothing over a man who's sworn to love and honour you forever, count me out of the club. If a husband has an affair, it's because he wants to.

OP posts:
MaryPoppinsBag · 15/01/2013 22:53

I don't think it's the 'vow of sisterhood' that makes you want to tear the hair out of the OW, it's probably more like blind rage, disappointment, thoughts about your children's future and what might have been.

And I don't think the anger would be limited to the OW.