Reasons not to have an affair

[Callyfornication]

Ok..... I am 23, he is 33. Ive been single for 5 months and he's married with a baby. Predictably, we work together, and we have to travel to France 1 week every 8 weeks. We went to France 2 weeks ago and on 1 night, after a lot of wine we ended up in his hotel room. Tbh I feel like it's been building up for ages and he's been the one putting the effort in buttttt he is fit and really sweet and I have enjoyed it....

Pleased to report we didn't kiss or shag but he gave it his best shot. I slurred about his marital vows and left.... I feel like a bit of an idiot for getting into that situation and can't guarantee if it happen again I wouldn't do it though, and the sexual tension is sky high. Ive spoken to a couple of mates about it who have all said they would have gone there which has made me feel a bit less guilty (but also less confident of what I'd do if theres a next time).

Advice? Could everyone tell me all the horror stories and worst cases so I don't go there....?

[Alittlestranger]

This >> "Lots of these posters seem to actually want the OP to be just a 'warm wet hole' because it makes them feel better about their DH's OW (or potential OW). But just cos we wish it, doesn't make it so."

On threads like this, there are always increasingly crude comments that if written by men we would have no problems labelling misogynistic. I get that this is always going to be one of the most raw boards, but it needs calling out occasionally.

Not that what the OP has posted is anything other than grim and cliched.

[navada]

Sorry, I know this is a serious thread but I'm laughing at enjoyresponsible's post.
So true.

[SundaeGirl]

Ego massaging. That's all this is. YOU could be anyone, he's after a cheap thrill and if you are willing enough to help him with this then more fool you. You will be dropped without a backwards glance if his wife finds out, once the bubble bursts he'll barely be able to say your name trust me.

How do you know that? They could both be fanatical Goethe obsessives who've never met anyone who understands the original German with quite the same depth of interpretation. He is conflicted and his cheating abusing wife is daily misery, while here, Cally, light of his life is charming and cares. He's bad with women, gets drunk, makes a mess, is heartbroken, etc. Or alternatively, they could both work in the PR department of Vodka Wicked. We just don't know.

What we do know is that lots of betrayed spouses NEED to believe that 'YOU could be anyone' and that the DH is unable to say their name. This is because the alternative, that the DH had a close/meaningful/loving interaction with the OW is too painful. Trust me.

[MorrisZapp]

I'm with SundaeGirl. Some of the misogyny on this thread is just depressing.

The OP is 23. When I was that age, I couldn't have cared less if a guy was a sleaze, or untrustworthy, or not a very good catch etc. I fancied men because I fancied them. So it's pointless asking how she can possibly find him attractive. He is attractive to her, that's all we need to know.

Why should women be condemned as slappers because men fancy them? I actually find that really offensive. Maybe he actually does just fancy her, the same as anybody fancies anybody. It's a bit depressing to think that when men want to have sex with you it's because you are a slapper.

Op has been given good advice here, and I'm hopeful she can use it to resist temptation in the future. There is no happy outcome if she does sleep with this man. But some of the woman hating vitriol is way over the top. Men are responsible for their own actions, lets not infantilise them and expect other women to be the keepers of male morality.

[cuillereasoupe]

As it happens I think you have a point sundae, but having said that I'm not quite sure what you're trying to achieve, given that the OP has clearly indicated that she wants to be talked out of this potential affair.

[phoenixrose314]

Next time you see him, ask him the following questions:

"How did you and your wife meet? Tell me three things that made you fall in love with her. What was your reaction when your son/daughter was put in your arms for the first time?"

If he can still try to shag you after that, I'd punch him, personally.

[MorrisZapp]

And yes, the warm wet hole stuff is just horrible. Men don't dish this crap out to each other, why do women do it.

[TheBrideofMucky]

When you are young and single you can't imagine what it's like to be his wife with a new baby. My friend was in a similar situation to you (except she slept with the guy) and she kind of looked down on the wife as being frumpy and boring and not able to keep her husband happy.

At the same age (24) I was a new mother. She knew what a big adjustment it was for me. I told her all about how your life suddenly changes, you have no sleep, no time to do anything for yourself, you feel low and vulnerable and have put on weight, friends become distant and social lives non existent for a while and you depend heavily on the support of your husband, who should be sharing in your wonderful new baby with you. Sometimes you see nobody else all day. Obviously this passes but it is a really strange, muted time for some.

When I asked her what she'd think if my husband met a younger woman through work and had an affair with her, she said she kind of put me and my situation in the wife's place and understood the human implications of what she had done. Hopefully she will think twice next time. I think what did it for her was that she could never imagine my husband doing something like that because he just wasn't that kind of person. What kind of person? Oh. Married man isn't a decent guy is he? Although his wife also probably thinks he is a doting father, not the type to cheat etc.

[sparklyjumper]

There are a million reasons not to have an affair. Most of which have already been said here.

But you could very easily end up getting badly hurt. You might not think it now but you probably would.

And don't do that to another woman, I know it's her 'd'h, so it's ulitimately his responsibility to cheat on his wife, and if it's not you it will be someone else, but don't be that person. Have more respect for yourself and for his wife (and his child). If he wants to cheat then that's his perogative but don't let it be with you.

[Xales]

Isn't it sad that in today's society people ask what is the horror stories and worse cases of what could happen to them if they did something rather than just say not going there because I could potentially be party to causing devastating pain and heart break to another person and their child

You are supposed to have your own moral high ground that even if not committed to someone else yourself would stop you from wanting to be a party to causing this.

[navada]

I don't agree that the op could be 'anyone' - more likely he's very attracted to her & likes her company. But anyone who cheats on their partner is not a great catch - whatever the outcome.

[EbbNFlow]

What Morris said

[Viviennemary]

I don't think the OP could be anybody because he is obviously attracted to her. But if she passes on this 'golden opportunity' the next person who comes along that he is attracted to might not. And let's face it this man will cheat on his wife. Quite likely has cheated on his wife in the past and almost certainly will cheat on his wife in the future.

[cuillereasoupe]

Why should women be condemned as slappers because men fancy them?

FFS, I'm not saying the OP is a slapper. Far from it: I commend her for resisting temptation so far. I'm trying to communicate to her that some men - especially the type likely to cheat on a wife with a young baby - will see her as a slapper. I'm doing this as a way of putting her off this relationship, which is what she asked people to do.

[Callyfornication]

Thanks everyone!

As some of you have pointed out I cant really empathise, so its especially interesting to hear from the people who have been in the same situation as me. Like cheeseandpineapple I do feel conflicted. Dont have any friends with kids or husbands and grew up with my mum and aunt so don't hold great stock in the nuclear family either. I asked my mum about it and she said 'marriages do break down.'

I sort of expected more replies from OWs but I can see why they havent come out of the woodwork.....!

Id like to point out Im not a job-less, morality free warm wet hole of a cumbucket, cheap shag, knob, slut lacking all class and empathy, prize loser, slapper deserving to have my hair torn out, etc, yet

[Looksgoodingravy]

Sundae- of course we don't know! but the OP was asking for 'horror stories' so I'm hardly likely to 'fluff it up' for her!

[MorrisZapp]

Yes, why should she be 'anybody'? I'm in a LTR of fourteen years and counting, and I have never cheated on DP. I've come close though, with one guy I know. In fact, I've come close to cheating with that one guy quite a few times over the years. Not because I think he's a slapper and I'd shag anybody. But because even though I'm totally committed to dp, this guy is still v attractive to me (and I to him).

The 'other man' in this case isn't a worthless random, he's somebody I really like and respect. I'm past the danger zone and so is he - we definitely aren't going to cross the line, we both have far too much to lose. But if there was one person at all who could challenge my commitment to my dp, it would be him.

[navada]

That's true viviennemary - cheaters rarely change, but they cheat with people they're attracted to & like being around, otherwise they'd just use prostitutes surely ? - I'm trying to put cally off having an affair with this man, but at the same time I wouldn't want to reduce her to just a 'thing' - I'm sure she's a lovely intelligent woman.

[Alittlestranger]

Do cheaters rarely change? I cheated on a long-term live in-partner when I was in my early 20s and I'm 99% sure I'd never do it again.

[noblegiraffe]

You didn't sleep with him when you had the opportunity, you have posted on here asking for reasons not to sleep with him. It seems you don't want to have sex with a married man with a baby at home so you need to set him straight right now (the text involving the key words relating to harassment seems ideal) otherwise he will simply keep working on you until he has ground down your principles and you acquiesce.

[WinkyWinkola]

So if you're 23, you didn't use your brain? You were devoid of any moral consideration just because you fancied someone?

Steeeeeeeper learning curve than most there.

The op sounds like she's got her head screwed wrt this chap. 6 bottles of wine though. Bl**dy hell - I wouldn't remember a thing from the night before. In fact, the guy is probably convinced you did have sex with him even though he can't remember!

[WinkyWinkola]

What I'm saying is that youth isn't necessarily a valid excuse for going to bed with someone who is married, your senior at work etc.

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

Hi op. Perhaps it would help to think of it like this . . .

This bloke is obviously a player and i doubt very much that you are the only one he tries it on with, he may well be being unfaithful to his wife on a regular basis. Don't believe him if he says its you, you're special (Im sure you are obviously!) but that's just what they say to get you to shag them.

So with him being like that its pretty clear that he would of tried it on with whichever woman was sent on the work trip with him, and if next time you couldn't make it and another woman did he would probably try it with her as well.

Does that make you want to tell him to fuck off, not sleep with him and keep your self respect? I wish someone had pointed things like that out to me when i was younger

[MorrisZapp]

I can only speak for myself, but when I was 23 and full of beer, I wasn't looking for high morals in my bedmates. I fancied who I fancied. I don't remember shagging any married men but presumably they wouldn't have told me if they were anyway.

I know that not everybody has a period like this in their youth. Some people are very clear about only sleeping with people they respect etc, from a young age. But in my peer group, our twenties were about having fun, and living one weekend at a time.

[WinkyWinkola]

But if you'd known a man was married at that tender age, would you have baulked or not? Or would you not have cared less? Just interested to know.

And I'm not sure it's about having fun at 23 - lots of people still clearly are having a great time, living one weekend at a time!