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Original poster

Reasons not to have an affair

252 replies

Callyfornication · 12/01/2013 22:00

Ok..... I am 23, he is 33. Ive been single for 5 months and he's married with a baby. Predictably, we work together, and we have to travel to France 1 week every 8 weeks. We went to France 2 weeks ago and on 1 night, after a lot of wine we ended up in his hotel room. Tbh I feel like it's been building up for ages and he's been the one putting the effort in buttttt he is fit and really sweet and I have enjoyed it....

Pleased to report we didn't kiss or shag but he gave it his best shot. I slurred about his marital vows and left.... I feel like a bit of an idiot for getting into that situation and can't guarantee if it happen again I wouldn't do it though, and the sexual tension is sky high. Ive spoken to a couple of mates about it who have all said they would have gone there which has made me feel a bit less guilty (but also less confident of what I'd do if theres a next time).

Advice? Could everyone tell me all the horror stories and worst cases so I don't go there....?

OP posts:
AViewfromtheFridge · 13/01/2013 12:10

Lots of good advice on this thread - there are some very wise women in the world. FWIW, I have been/am in a similar situation with a guy I work with. If we'd met a few years earlier... who knows. But we didn't. And even though we've had a few drunken self-indulgent conversations, ultimately you have to respect the fact that he loved another woman enough to marry her. To actually stand there and promise to forsake all others. Despite the fact that nothing has happened, it's still messed with my head for the past couple of years.

Be the bigger person, do the right thing, respect the sisterhood.

badinage · 13/01/2013 13:29

I think this thread is straying off the point a bit with its references to married blokes who care about the OW as an individual. Obviously that happens in some affairs, but we're not discussing affairs in general are we?

That's highly unlikely in this case isn't it?

A married man with a baby at home who makes a pass at a drunken younger colleague when they are in a hotel away from home and then pesters her after her refusal, really doesn't sound like someone who cares for the OP as a person - or women in general for that matter. Even if a lot of flirting had gone on (which happens) the decent thing to have done would have been to make sure she was safely back in her room - not try to take advantage of a situation when consent is dubious.

Glimmerberry · 13/01/2013 13:52

This guy is going to shag someone. With little doubt, a man who, with a baby at home, chases after a work colleague 10 years younger than him, is eventually going to find someone willing to shag him.

And yes, you could say "well, he's the one who's married, not me". But it's a cop out. He's responsible for what he does, but you are still responsible for you. You know he's married and you know he's looking for someone willing to meet his wants for a while. Don't be that person, noone with any decency or self-respect wants to be that person. No matter how you try to rationalise it. Leave it to some other fool.

Or imagine yourself standing in front of his wife in 6 months, with her asking why you did this to her family and think about how pathetic it will sound to say, "but he's the one who is married, not me".

JuliaSqueezer · 13/01/2013 16:12

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badinage · 13/01/2013 16:35

Just re-reading your last post OP, are you saying that because you didn't have a father in your own life, you don't feel it's such a big deal if men leave their families?

See, I've come across quite a few OW in my time and thinking back, most of them had 'daddy issues' of some sort. Either he buggered off at the start and was never known, left for an OW, was dismissive and impossible to please or encouraged a daughter to compete with her mum for his affections. I'm sure I've read this somewhere too.

SundaeGirl · 13/01/2013 16:55

All OW have Daddy issues?! They don't.

Why the need for this weak armchair psychology? It just seemsfor some of you it is too impossible to imagine that they are well balanced but made mistakes/fancied the wrong guy, etc.

cuillereasoupe · 13/01/2013 17:04

I knew a woman who committed suicide in similar circumstances, Julia.

How's this for a worst-case scenario?

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Betty_Broderick

fuzzywuzzy · 13/01/2013 17:08

Because you will be instrumental in breaking up a family or causing at least one person who has done nothing to you a great deal of pain.

Do you want a cheater for a boyfriend?

His child and therefore his ex will always be in your lives (if you end up together).

You can do better.

badinage · 13/01/2013 17:48

Er...I didn't use the word 'all' - you did.

I said that of the OW I've met - and some of them have been close mates incidentally (who agree) - most of them have had Daddy issues and I gave examples of what those issues were. It struck me that the OP didn't have a paternal influence growing up and I wondered whether that could be a factor.

Personally, I think the personality trait that distinguishes someone who's prepared to be an OW - and someone who's not - is selfishness. But it's not that surprising that a 23 year-old with no marriages in her close circle is a bit selfish, which is why I think the advice that's more likely to get through appeals to her selfishness and the fall-out that's likely to happen to her and no-one else.

Looksgoodingravy · 13/01/2013 19:09

Of course there's fancying the 'wrong guy' and then there's shagging the 'wrong guy'!

And of course we all make mistakes but how many of those mistakes ruin another persons life!

It takes two. The ow contributes to the wife's pain if she KNEW there was a wife. Totally selfish!

We can all fancy other people and that's where it stays!

Op, do yourself a favour and find yourself a nice, single bloke. There'll be plenty around. You can also find plenty of 'horror stories' to read on here throughout the Relationship board.

worsestershiresauce · 13/01/2013 21:50

My advice is don't do it because just as you start to get hooked and want more he will go back to the wife and baby and you will be left hurt, used and broken. In 99.9% of cases that is what happens.

It is easy to disregard the hurt it would cause his wife and child because you don't know them, and will believe the lies that he will tell you (marriage dead, no sex, living parallel lives, blah blah blah) but if you look at the outcome for you, you are less likely to do something stupid.

I'm a wife in this exact scenario. The OW was devastated, the hurt the affair caused me will never heal, and my DH has learnt a pretty stark lesson in life. No one has come out of it well.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 14/01/2013 10:58

Badinage. I slept with a married man when i was a teenager and i would say i possibly have issues like you mention. My dad was there but not really involved and in a world of his own, never in his life actually listened to anything i had to say. My mum was a bit like that too but for different reasons. There were reasons for it with both of them, conditions and medications etc but i think it had the effect all the same despite them not being able to help it.

I think i just took any attention i could get.

My best friend did similar but worse and she was one whose dad wasn't interested, parents not together, hardly saw him etc.

Sundae. Don't completely dismiss the idea.

Original poster
Callyfornication · 14/01/2013 17:53

SundaeGirl and badinage I didnt grow up with my dad around as parents split when I was a baby but really dont think i have "daddy ishooos". I just fancy the guy. Ive fancied lots of people before and none were married/taken/a father themselves.

OP posts:
badinage · 14/01/2013 19:37

Yes and you'll fancy loads of single men again, which is why you really don't need this pile of trouble.

One of the reasons I was suggesting that your lack of father role might have a part to play was because neither you nor your mum seems to think it's a big deal if this bloke's marriage breaks up. Even allowing for the fact that it's not unusual for a 23-year old not to be able to empathise with a woman at home with a baby, it struck me as a peculiarly hard-nosed response and I wondered whether that was down to a resultant belief that families can get by without dads, rather than just cold-hearted selfishness.

So what are you going to do?

Original poster
Callyfornication · 14/01/2013 20:44

I do think babies/families can get by without dads. I do think it's unfortunate but entirely fine, preferable perhaps, if the dad chooses to sleep with other people. I'd far prefer being a single parent to having a husband who sleeps around.

What I'm going to do is avoid being alone with him, and switch areas and client bases. I basically ignored him today and I think he's getting the message as no after-work texts.

OP posts:
Eliza22 · 14/01/2013 21:22

If he will leave his wife and baby for another woman, he is likely to leave you, in the future.

Personally, why "share" this man. Find someone who is available to you, not someone who is a lying shite.

Couragedoesntroar · 14/01/2013 21:25

Very very well put worcestershire. That's all. I'm sorry your wisdom has been so hard earned. Mine too, was agony.

bluebiscuit · 15/01/2013 12:20

I see that your opinion is that babies/families can get by without dads, indeed yours did as a child. My parents are divorced as well.

However, that is worlds apart from knowingly and actively having a hand in the destruction of a family/marriage, which you would be doing if you were the OW. There's no justification for being an OW. It's a shitty thing to do, no matter how it's dressed up. This is not to underestimate the cheating husband's disgraceful behaviour- just because he is doing a huge wrong, it doesn't mean to say that the OW's actions are ok.

Dahlen · 15/01/2013 12:45

Forget the wife and baby for a minute and pretend this man is single. You should still steer well clear of him. You were significantly drunk that night and he enticed you back to his hotel room. Legally you were incapable of giving consent. There's a word for that. You were lucky to have got away. Since then, he;s been pestering you with messages.

That's not the actions of a sweet man, that's the actions of a sleazy sex pest who sees you as nothing more than a conquest.

MaryPoppinsBag · 15/01/2013 13:52

One day when you grow up and have a family of your own you will understand how very very badly you and he are behaving.

OP have a little respect for yourself, he just wants to shag you. I very much doubt he'd leave his wife and baby for you. Please show some respect for his wife too. It is such a disgusting thing to even be contemplating.

DontmindifIdo · 15/01/2013 14:20

OP - how about some 'selfish' rather than 'greater good' arguments not to have an affair:

  1. This man has a lot of other commitments. He has work, a wife, a child. Even if long term he leaves said wife and child, at the moment, he's not decided to do that so a lot of his time, energy and emotions are being poured into them. You will only get the 'scraps' of his time and energy that are left. Your relationship will have to be fitted into what he has spare. You might get jealous after a while an try to demand more time,but you know he's got a valid reason for never making you the centre of his world, you're just the mistress. If you become more later, that doesn't change the fact that for now, your relationship will just be fitted around everything else.

You will be starting a relationship accepting you are secondary to his other commitments/interests, this is a very, very hard dynamic to change later on.

  1. Don't underestimate the general bad feeling towards "other woman" in a work based environment - if it all comes out (and it will, I would put money on other colleagues having already noticed and starting gossiping about your flirting), it will be yours, not his career that's damaged. Woman (rightly or wrongly) seen as a bit of a tart round the office are not promoted.

I have also worked places where when affairs have become known, the company have insisted one of them leave - it is never the more senior person who leaves, if he is a decade older than you, I assume he is the senior one. You will be the one encouraged to leave. If you stay, as said, you will have to be 10X better than anyone else to get promoted, and any achievement will be put down to you shagging a senior staff member.

  1. don't underestimate the general bad feeling towards other woman outside of work - you might find you are both rather shunned by people you previously thought of as good friends. Don't underestimate how much it will hurt him to have his family and friends cut him out. He might blame you, not his behaviour (in fact, someone as selfish as him probably will blame everyone else but himself) - which takes us to:

  2. he is displaying incredibly selfish behaviour - people are rarely selfish in only one part of their lives.

  3. it would be very very hard for you to leave him. The narrative of your relationship will be that he sacrificed everything to be with you. (that he wanted to do it will be glossed over). Don't underestimate how hard it will be if you create a "us against the world" mentality (which you would have to to ride out the storm once it gets public) to walk away from a man who has given you so much if you then later decide after a year or two that he's not the one for you.

  4. if, when it comes down to it, he picks his family over you (and it doesn't mean if his wife finds out, he might just get bored of having an affair and decide that he's rather be with them than the hassle of being with you once the innital excitment wears off), you will have to work with him. You will have to either grieve the ending of a relationship without having to tell anyone/keeping a brave face up, or tell people, risk hearing "well, what did you expect?" or being seen as a complete bitch for outing him once he'd dumped you - making you look a bit bunny boiler. You don't want to be that woman.

DontmindifIdo · 15/01/2013 14:22

oh and I missed off:

  1. he tried to take advantage of you when drunk. That's never a good sign.
cuillereasoupe · 15/01/2013 16:07

babies/families can get by without dads

With all due respect, that's not your call to make in this instance. It's the child's mother's.

DontmindifIdo · 15/01/2013 16:09

cuillereasoupe - and the dads remember, she's rather assuming he will leave, not just shag her a few times, get it out of his system, dump her and then carry on at home with the wife knowing nothing about it and leaving OP to just get over it.

cuillereasoupe · 15/01/2013 16:11

how very very badly you and he are behaving

Actually, I really commend you for taking active steps to avoid finding yourself in the same situation in future OP. Well done!

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