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Original poster

How to cope with mil favouring other dgc?

49 replies

HeyJessie · 12/01/2013 21:51

Mil is favouring my nephew over my ds and it's starting to hurt my DHs feelings I feel so sorry for him. He doesn't seem majorly bothered he is used to bil being the blue eyed but it annoys me I don't like to see him being treated like that. Mil is not a bad person I actually get on really well with her but I feel our relationship may become strained over time as I can only imagine this getting worse.

Has this happened to anyone else and how do you cope with it?

OP posts:
ahmnoclassyladybut · 12/01/2013 22:19

are they the same age? Perhaps if there is a difference of age she prefers the age your nephew is?

Do you live same distance apart? If she sees one every week, and another twice a year, its normal she'd make an extra fuss

NamingOfParts · 12/01/2013 22:19

We went through quite a long period of this some years ago when my DM was favouring my DB and his DCs. There was a lot of backstory to this. Essentially DM felt that she had to favour DB & his DCs as she was worried that if she didnt she wouldnt be allowed to see the DCs.

It did make us feel second best especially as DM took out her resentment of the situation on us. By her own admission she did this because she knew we wouldnt cut her off.

To cut a long story short we put up with it. It wasnt the end of the world. We knew we couldnt rely on her so didnt.

We dont have a close relationship though DH & I help out in a practical sense but I feel no bond. DM has airbrushed all negativity out of her life and doesnt understand why I dont 'share' with her. I cant be bothered

Original poster
HeyJessie · 12/01/2013 22:41

My ds is a newborn and my nephew is 2. She is never out bils house but rarely visits us (despite working around the corner)

It's upsetting because last week DH came home from work and asked how my day was. After chatting a bit I said "oh and your mum popped in with xyz" and DH said "oh really how many times did she say nephews name" in a Hmm tone
Sad I felt so bad for him

OP posts:
mercibucket · 12/01/2013 22:45

Your baby is only a newborn so it's hardly the case she's been favouring one over the other! Your dh is over-reacting big time, but has he always been pushed out? Or is he just very jealous?

mercibucket · 12/01/2013 22:45

Your baby is only a newborn so it's hardly the case she's been favouring one over the other! Your dh is over-reacting big time, but has he always been pushed out? Or is he just very jealous?

Original poster
HeyJessie · 12/01/2013 22:51

Well he is 10 weeks and in that time there have been two occasions where she has blatantly favoured my nephew. One being a time where she lifted ds to hold him then my nephew ran over wanting on her knee and she said "oh I can't take him now then he wants me" and just handed him to bil as quick as she had lifted himHmm

OP posts:
breatheslowly · 12/01/2013 22:51

Newborns don't really do much, do there is a limit to what you can say about them. 2 year olds are more interactive and do interesting stuff, so it is easy to chat about them. She is probably mentioning you DN as she thinks you might be interested. She might also not be a baby person.

Original poster
HeyJessie · 12/01/2013 22:53

And my DH has to be the least jealous person I know. As my op said I am more bothered about it than he is he is used to it.

OP posts:
ahmnoclassyladybut · 12/01/2013 22:54

without meaning to sound rude, is it your first? very emotional times...

She might think you don't want intrusions and have too much on your plate.

Her loss if not.

Original poster
HeyJessie · 12/01/2013 22:58

amh no I have a DD too. She was pushed to the background when nephew was born but I didn't think anything of that as everyone always fusses and visits newborns all the time at the start and older kids get forgot about for a little while.

OP posts:
NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere · 12/01/2013 23:02

I think you are both being too sensitive and a little bit PFB tbh. Re the lifting up 'incident', DN is fairly young to understand about the fact that there is a new baby in the family, so MIL probably didn't want him to feel pushed out, esp. if they spend lots of time together. As a young baby your DS probably doesn't know who is holding him just that he is being held, so for the time being I don't think it will have any effect. However, you need to make sure his presence as a dgc is introduced to DN gradually, which only be achieved by MIL giving him attention too.

I also think that both you and DP need to be careful not to 'punish' DN for your perception of MIL favoritism of DBiL and as a consequence DN by imposing motives and behaviours onto him. He is a baby too and has nothing to do with odd family dynamics.

Keep calm and monitor things.

mercibucket · 12/01/2013 23:03

The example you give is exactly what I would have done as a mother of a toddler and a newborn. Your baby wants cuddles, preferably off you, a toddler has a much more complex emotional range. When you have a second child, you have to find a balance between the two and so long as the baby is fed, watered, cuddled, that's pretty much all bases covered, and you concentrate on the older one so they don't get jealous. It can also be v hard to adjust to having to split love and cuddles to two children - there are plenty of threads on mumsnet about mums thinking they have ruined their firstborns life by having a sibling. Nonsense of course, but it can take even a mother a while to adjust, so I can see maybe your mother-in-law is just finding it a bit hard to get used to having another little grandchild on the scene.
It is really far far to early to worry for a second about her favouring one child over the other.

mercibucket · 12/01/2013 23:03

The example you give is exactly what I would have done as a mother of a toddler and a newborn. Your baby wants cuddles, preferably off you, a toddler has a much more complex emotional range. When you have a second child, you have to find a balance between the two and so long as the baby is fed, watered, cuddled, that's pretty much all bases covered, and you concentrate on the older one so they don't get jealous. It can also be v hard to adjust to having to split love and cuddles to two children - there are plenty of threads on mumsnet about mums thinking they have ruined their firstborns life by having a sibling. Nonsense of course, but it can take even a mother a while to adjust, so I can see maybe your mother-in-law is just finding it a bit hard to get used to having another little grandchild on the scene.
It is really far far to early to worry for a second about her favouring one child over the other.

ahmnoclassyladybut · 12/01/2013 23:03

oh dear. I guess the thing to do is to not let it negatively affect effect affect you. Its her loss isn't it?

PoohBearsHole · 12/01/2013 23:10

From experience of this, the jealousy is only going to hurt yourself. DH and I experience this all the time BUT we are going to feel no guilt about only visiting the GP's once in a blue moon when they are in a home whereas SIL is going to have to go every day Wink

Still

mercibucket · 12/01/2013 23:10

Oh is this a drip feeding thread?

So you already have a dd who was initially ignored when the other nephew was born. What is her relationship with her dgm like now?

Does the mil spend more time with the nephew because she childminds him or anything like that?

mercibucket · 12/01/2013 23:10

Oh is this a drip feeding thread?

So you already have a dd who was initially ignored when the other nephew was born. What is her relationship with her dgm like now?

Does the mil spend more time with the nephew because she childminds him or anything like that?

PoohBearsHole · 12/01/2013 23:11

Still its frustrating and upsetting when it affects their own child. DH has long accepted he ain't the golden child, I just hope like hell I never do that to my own dc.

AlfalfaMum · 12/01/2013 23:13

Ah, I sort of know how you feel, but my advice is for you and DH not to take it too seriously and risk embittering the relationship with mil. Just see it as her being a bit silly, which it is.
I feel a bit like this with my mil; I have a bil (who is lovely) who is the apple of her eye, and I do feel that she favours his offspring a bit over ours. She goes to visit them a lot more even though they live in a different country, then proceeds to email me pics and video clips of their every breath Hmm. So, yes, I know Wink. It does smart a bit but rise above it, concentrate on the good stuff she does :)

Nanny0gg · 12/01/2013 23:14

amh no I have a DD too. She was pushed to the background when nephew was born but I didn't think anything of that as everyone always fusses and visits newborns all the time at the start and older kids get forgot about for a little while.
Um, I really tried very hard not to do that with my DGC and I hope most people wouldn't.

PoohBearsHole · 12/01/2013 23:17

Hey Alfalfa - she visits them, not them visiting her Wink

AlfalfaMum · 12/01/2013 23:20

Oh I know Pooh, I often suspect bil and his dp wish she weren't quite so enthusiastic Grin

Original poster
HeyJessie · 12/01/2013 23:25

She doesn't childmind. The thing is she was never as fussed about DD even when she was a baby as she is with my nephew. I really do think it's because nephew is her PFBs dc.

I know I shouldn't care that's why I started this thread I need to not be so bothered about it as DD doesn't even notice and ds has no clueGrin

OP posts:
Original poster
HeyJessie · 12/01/2013 23:36

pooh I hope it works like that for us too Grin DH and I are fairly independent and mil is always running about after bil and sil.

OP posts:
CoolaSchmoola · 12/01/2013 23:36

It could be worse.... DH and I were actually told (before I got pregnant) by his DM that no child we ever had would be as special as their first GC Shock.

It appears to be working out that way as well Sad.

This is why we very rarely see them.