How to cope with mil favouring other dgc?

[HeyJessie]

Mil is favouring my nephew over my ds and it's starting to hurt my DHs feelings I feel so sorry for him. He doesn't seem majorly bothered he is used to bil being the blue eyed but it annoys me I don't like to see him being treated like that. Mil is not a bad person I actually get on really well with her but I feel our relationship may become strained over time as I can only imagine this getting worse.

Has this happened to anyone else and how do you cope with it?

Well if it helps, MIL does all, ALL childcare for SIL to the point they have never had anyone else look after them. Not us not anyone else.

MIL has the nerve to criticise (oh hell I can't spell that word!!) our choice of childcare. We don't have the MIL option available to us because she was always too busy with the dGC. However we pay for cc, sil doesn't. We all earn combined the same income but apparently poor SIL is worse off than us which means that her dc really need to be purchased everything by MIL, SIL needs car filled up and weekly shop done. And of course Childcare during the day and evening so they can go out and do stuff ............

Another reason that we won't be visiting in their home, and they are likely to end up in a shit one having spent all the money on SIL and her dc and we WON'T be helping them as we don't have any savings

Coola - that is shit. Was she as revolting before your pregnancy?

Oooh pooh you sound worse then me !!

Well regarding childcare. DH and I work shifts so DD goes to cm/school then sometimes we need a babysitter we ask my dm most of the time and mil sometimes.

Bil works 9-5 and sil doesn't work so they don't need any childcare, yet mil has babysat my nephew twice as much as she has DD to let them go out clubbing.

Ok pooh ... your turn

coola

Op your ds is a newborn, enjoy your cuddles with him & enjoy being a newmum, atleast you don't have overbearing ils that pass your baby around like a parcel as mine did when mine were newbies!
About the only time ils ever favoured my dc!

Oh poor, that was my mil before i & dc went non contact on separate issues.
My mil would buy my dcs tit bits from the sale, often in the wrong size, and sweets here and there, whereas her other gc had their whole school uniforms, including clarks shoes bought for them, numerous posh outfits, bridesmaids outfits to go to sil2s wedding, food, jewelerry & she often bought sil clothes aswell & bought her a cot & a bouncer. The other gcs got to stay over & be babysit on tap at the drop of a hat too.
Now we are estranged i'm kind of glad mil never had my dc to stay after the revelations that came about that family

This does happen sometimes in families. But I don't think your mil did anything wrong when she handed the baby back. The baby isn't aware of being handed back but the toddler is. Try not to make too much of this.

In our situation I view it like is:

My dmum has a great relationship with the dc, they go for tea and have jammy dodgers and Jaffa cakes and watch fun films and sometimes spend the night and occasionally if my dmum does have the older one she might get her something from the supermarket (mag etc) but she plays and has fun ther and adores my dps. My dm gets the fun and to be naughty and occasionally has to tell one or other of them off (she doesn't have the a great deal as both have been unwell but helps out when she feels up to it and when she can) but she doesn't ge involved in my way of parenting and disciplining and would never do anything she hadn't seen me do. In short she parents them the way I do it not the way she thinks it ought to be done.

MIL steps over this line to the point where there is such blur that there is no discipline and she ignores anything that BIL says -so he says no chocolate at 7.30pm for a 2yo and she gives it anyway ignoring him. She has no respect for anything that he does and makes it clear she doesn't approve of his ay of doing it. And she gets away with it because she is paying and doing stuff for them. Actually I feel sorry for them as BIL is clearly unhappy, the dc have very little structure and there fore are quite disruptive and the school age one is struggling due to not being able to sit still and having been allowed to do whatever whenever. Oh and incidentally the school is wrong

I think dh and I got away lightly really. We have decided the grass ain't greener and have come Tom peace with it in the main.

I have no idea who Tom is though

Step back, let the hormones pass, enjoy having our dc to yourself and making your decisions and be supportive to your dh. I wouldn't recommend tackling it yourself, and it may pass. I think my mil has a problem with my dc as they look nothing like HER and everything like me. Mind you neither to the other dgc so perhaps I am over thinking that one!

No words of advice I am afraid, just posting to let you know that I do know how it feels as we have been there with MIL. I could give many, many examples of the times she has blatantly favoured her other DGC over our DCs. It is very upsetting than to have your 4YO ask you why Nanny doesn't love them and for them to be able to give you chapter and verse about why they think that. Worse, is the fact that you witnessed the exact things they are telling you, so you cannot just pretend they have imagined it.

MIL made it very clear that BIL1 DC were more special than ours and , much later, that BIL2 DC were more important to her. Everytime we invited her to a school performance/prizegiving/birthday tea/tried to see her at Christmas, she has turned us down in case one of the BILs needed her to babysit. Not even that she had already made plans! So, now my DCs are adults as are BIL1 DC and BIL2 DC are growing up fast. MIL is not needed for babysitting and free childcare anymore. And suddenly she wants a close relationship with our DC. Trouble is, that boat sailed a long time ago and she was the one who launched it.

As someone Whois likely to be a mil(boy) I think I have learnt a great deal from mil behaviour and from threads like this. I hope I don't favour my daughter over my son, I hope that's am kind to my dil and I hope that's never find myself in a situation where favour one dgc over another. I can only hope.

say that happened to us at Christmas there. I invited mil to come to DDs nativity play and she turned up with my nephew. I know that in itself is not a big deal (neither is the passing ds on to lift nephew) but when silly little things happen constantly they do start to annoy you. It's like she can dp things with bils dc without my dcs, but can't do things with my dcs without bils dc. Iyswim?

And I feel really guilty on here because my mil is a lovely woman and if we needed something she would be here for us and I know she really does love my dcs. But it's different with my nephew. I'd go so far as to say she has a little bit of an obsession

Op I also find that mil can't do something, even seeing them alone is an impossibility,mshe does inks with other gc alone however, it's frustrating and small but something that makes you feel like poop.

We have the same issue that MIL favours her first born GC (my SIL DS) who is 3 months older than my DS. However, they are only a ten min drive away (we are 30-40 mins away) and MIL has always been expected to be more involved in supporting SIL, her DH and DS. We haven't been as demanding

I think you will drive yourself crazy comparing, and allowing the grandparents to set the pace.

Agree among yourselves what relationship you want your kids to have with their grandparents and work towards that.

Ignore what happens with other grandchildren as these things tend to change over time anyway as the grandchildren develop their own personalities.

it happens to us too. my DD is 3 and I have a niece wo is 20 months. MIL minds her once a week and still visits them another two times a weeok. if we dont take DD to her on weekends she wont see her. I am foreign, SIL is local and from a well know family. it hurt at the start but now I personally dont care, feel sorry for DD as she loves her granma. So I just put up with it and take her to see her anyway. Its one of these things, life is not perfect and neither are people so I think you should just focus on the people that you care about.

I get what you're saying, Jessie - when Bil's babe was the newborn , Mil paid no heed to any notion of 'making sure the toddler (your DD) didn't feel pushed out, so that can't be the motive for her behaviour now. There have been several threads recently about blatant GP favouritism (extending to huge differences in quantity & value of presents bought, in one case) and it's hard to pull them up on it without sounding petty & jealous. I guess you and DH will just have to exchange glances & roll eyes at each other, until it starts to be noticed by DCs, then you may have to limit contact and/or tackle GPs about it. How well do your DH & his DB get on?

I'm kind of in your dh's position.

My mother favours my niece over my own children and always has done. It is so blatant that other people have often commented on it. My niece has her own bedroom at my mother's house and often stays there overnight or for weekend visits. My children have never stayed over and are only allowed to visit at all if specifically invited and if I accompany them. This usually happens once or twice a year even though we live only 15 minutes away. She rarely visits my children and never phones them despite having an open invitation to do so. I think she's been here once in the past two years.

My niece is neither the oldest nor the youngest child. She isn't the only girl. Due to house moves she has lived both at the other end of the country and also near to my mother's house, so it isn't a question of distance either.

I used to find it irritating and very unfair. This eventually wore off and it's become very clear that my mother is the one who has missed out the most through her actions. On the rare occasion that she sees my children they are very polite to her but there is no bond there at all. The younger ones have to be reminded who she even is.

It became easier when I accepted that my mother was not going to change her ways and to adapt my own behaviour accordingly. I stopped making an effort to involve her in her grandchildren's lives and just got on with things without her. There were no more constant reminders that our children were effectively second class grandchildren and we all became much happier.

My ILs live a 15 minute drive from us and have been here...about 3 times since my DD was born (now almost 3).

But they've managed to visit DH's sister, who lives 5 hours drive away, around 5 times a year every single year.

We used to get annoyed about it; now I just feel it absolves me of obligation to them. We can visit once a month or so and not feel bad about it, and save the rest of the time for my parents, who would do just about anything for us.

My mil also favours her other dc, but mainly because her other dil (not her daughter) is very high maintenance and so she lets her call the shots as otherwise she would probably not let her see dc (she has done this before). It means mil takes great pleasure in making digs at me instead as she knows I (for now) won't react like other dil and it gives her a misguided sense of revenge.

My PIL also favour their other DGC (DH sisters) over ours. It doesn't help I suppose that we are nearly an hour away and they live next door to them providing regular free childcare at the drop of a hat and seeing them day in and day out. A particular closeness in this case may be inevitable?

But there have been numerous examples over the years where this is glaringly obvious, including money and effort spent on birthday and Christmas presents, the constant referral to my nephews and comparison to what they are doing when DH gives them updates on our boys, or worst of all when my FIL actually referred to DSIL's boys "Ours do that......" OURS!! So our DC our ours but other DGC are "theirs".

Can't deny it hurts a little but probably more for DH.

My IL's are a bit like this. They do so much for BIL and his family it's ridiculous. But then again they are a little closer geographically and mil gets on like a house on fire with sil.

I have felt very and hurt about it over the years mainly for dh really. But then again do I actually want that much interaction with mil? No, to be honest. I prefer some distance so I guess that's the answer really. Although maybe I feel that way because things are as they are.

I do get rather at how much they do for bil and other gc though. It really is incredible and is history repeating itself in that Dh's older brother has always been the bee all.

Mil is always pushing the angle that she treats everyone the same too which is terribly hard to nod and say nothing just to keep the peace. One day after a couple of gins I might say something

we have the birthday issue - one birthday is before the other obviously - my dc are second and WITHOUT fail we have gone to the birthday parties and seen the present given to the dgc, on our dc's birthday the gps give a present to our dc and also to the other dgc (exactly the same) as it isn't fair on them. Obviously. Oh and MIL frequently allows present opening whilst I am not in the room and frequently allows the dgc to open said presents or does it herself. These are presents for my dc btw

As I say, I am aware of this now so it isn't allowed to happen but it does make me feel like the relationship is strained as there will be a point when my dc turn around and are inadvertantly rude to them because of the way they are treated and I won't be able to chastise them because I also feel that they would be in the right.

I will however learn from all this to be better to the next generation, and I know that it is only the gps that will be missing out, NOT my dc

DH ad bil aren't particularly close. It's not that they don't get it it's just they lead completely separate lives and only really see each other at family things (and even then that's rare as DH misses a lot due to his job)

I wondered for a while if it was to do with fil. Mil and fil have been divorced since DH was very young and DH has always maintained a close relationship with fil and therefore his dcs have a relationship with them. Whereas bil wouldn't ever see his dad if fil didn't visit him and my nephew has never once been taken to fils house (ds has been three times and he's not even three months yet)

Although they will use the excuse they dont drive (which sooooo annoys me)