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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think i know what i have to do

33 replies

muffins · 09/01/2013 18:40

Feel a bit pathetic really as posted on here about a year ago asking for advice about DP who has a history of sexting etc blah blah blah. Not sure if he has met up with anyone in person but a couple of months back I found out he'd been on msn chatting to some woman in a village near us....

So things had been ok ish (I'd forgiven him for like 10th time, literally, his last chance etc) And today I found he's been messaging some woman he knows who lives in Cyprus about a visit back to UK she has planned soon. She said she'd let him know exact dates and he said ' I can't wait to be f**king you long and hard'. 'I bet you can't ;-)' was her reply. I need to kick him out don't I? I think I just need to hear someone else say it (again).

The only reason I haven't is I didn't think I could manage financially but the plum lost his job so that's irrelevant now. Have done my sums and think I should get tax credits for nursery costs.

Wish I could link previous threads to give a bit more of the story, will try in a min.

I really don't know how to start the conversation....i told him I'd seen these messages and he has yet to even say anything about it, not even his usual pathetic apology!

OP posts:
Original poster
muffins · 09/01/2013 18:44

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1351917-Really-need-some-advice-too-scared-to-finish-relationship-but-head-telling-me-I-have-to

not a proper link but might work with copy and paste to address bar?! Don't know why I am so technically challenged these days

OP posts:
Xales · 09/01/2013 18:55

Well you have two choices as far as I can see.

You get rid, get your self esteem back and move on to a happier life without this man and if you have any more relationships then you don't give them 10 chances to hurt you.

Or

You stay with him, accept that no matter how many chances you give him, he will rip your heart out of your chest over and over again, until one day he actually meets someone and decides he wants to be with them rather than you because you have become a hollow shell with all your self esteem gone and dumps you.

BadgersRetreat · 09/01/2013 18:58

yes you need to kick him out

Sad
Original poster
muffins · 09/01/2013 19:03

what shall i say? I was kind of thinking maybe he would bring the subject up, at which point I could say that I wanted him to move out in the morning.
We are currently sitting at opposite ends of dining table in silence, me on here and him job hunting supposedly. I'm scared, I know I have to do it but still scared.

OP posts:
BadgersRetreat · 09/01/2013 19:11

you need to take the lead - be strong.

if he knows you saw the messages calmly tell him that his last chance has been blown and you expect him gone by the weekend. End of story. (and no, you don't care where he goes - his problem)

Much easier said than done i know - but you have to stop being a doormat and put yourself first. He is taking the piss out of you - you have to stop it because why would he when he keeps getting away with murder?

Distrustinggirlnow · 09/01/2013 19:12

Yes muffins, I'm afraid you need to be rid of this person who has no respect for you.
He carries on doing it because he can, because he has got away with it before so thinks that he can get away with it again... He doesn't realise that his behaviour has a consequence.
He's already checked out mentally so u just need to check out physically!
I don't know anything about tax credits I'm afraid but I'm sure someone will be along soon who does....
What I do know is that you deserve better. Say to him that you feel you're cramping his style as all he wants to do is fuck other women long and hard and obviously you're getting in the way, so you're out of here!
Plenty of women can try and come to terms with an affair or EA but I think that you have tried hard enough.
Xxx

greeneyed · 09/01/2013 19:12

Do it now, take a deep breath, Just look up from your laptop calmly and say - I want you to leave - this is the end of the road for us. There it's said.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/01/2013 19:14

"what shall I say?"

Your girlfriend from Cyprus was on earlier. Can't wait to see you, apparently. Hmm You're a miserable bastard and I've had enough of you. Get your stuff and go.

In your own words...

Original poster
muffins · 09/01/2013 19:24

ok so i just said 'I think you should move out'.......he said 'why?' !!!!!!
I said 'you know why'. He then said 'when'. I said 'tomorrow, i'll drop you at your mums if you want'. He said 'ok, i'll go and pack some stuff'. No apology, nothing, no argument, zilch. He's probably thinking he can strop off tonight but both the cars are mine so he's not taking either of them. Feel shaky :-S

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/01/2013 19:26

No apology, no argument because.... no leg to stand on.

I wouldn't wait until tomorrow or drop him anywhere if I were you. Far too inconvenient. As soon as he packs, call him a cab...

dietstartsmonday · 09/01/2013 19:32

Well done

Doha · 09/01/2013 19:32

Hide all the car keys??

Well done- if it is your house make sure you get your keys back

Original poster
muffins · 09/01/2013 19:36

Rented. Got the car keys. Think I know where both sets of house keys are.

He is actually acting like I'm the one being unreasonable, I'm almost starting to think I am. I hate how I've become because of how he's treated me

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/01/2013 19:38

That's par for the course. Devious little turds always try to make out the bad smell is coming from your direction.....

Is the cab on its way? You don't want another night of this crap do you?

dietstartsmonday · 09/01/2013 19:39

You aren't but he he bound to try and make you feel that. Deep breath, keep saying to yourself i am doing the right thing. You will look back and be so pleased you did this. Get him out tonight and don't drive him get him a cab or a lift, then Wine you deserve it

aziraphale · 09/01/2013 19:41

You aren't unreasonable and you Are Right. I'm in exactly the same boat having told my OH to leave at end of January. He will try all sorts of things to make it seem as if you are wrong. He may be affectionate, angry, even sarcastic, putting you down- this is a resistance test.

Be strong. You have made the first step in the right direction. Don't go back. I wish I could give you a hug right now and say how strong you've been.

BadgersRetreat · 09/01/2013 19:43

well done muffins.

'he is a twat' - repeat to yourself as necessary...

Xales · 09/01/2013 19:46

Well done that must have been so hard.

Once he realises you are serious, if he says he is sorry, cries, sobs, begs for another chance please don't give him another.

10 is enough. He is never going to change.

financialwizard · 09/01/2013 19:50

Massive (hugs) it is incredibly hard but stand firm and get him out. You will soon feel much better for it.

Original poster
muffins · 09/01/2013 19:53

aziraphale so you've given your OH til end of month to move out? I'd end up caving in that amount of time I reckon!

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 09/01/2013 20:59

He is actually acting like I'm the one being unreasonable, I'm almost starting to think I am.

He's really done a number on you, hasn't he?

Life will start to get so much better as soon as you have dumped him this shit!

If you find yourself doubting, remember what he wrote to another woman:

he said ' I can't wait to be f**king you long and hard'.

Sorry to be cruel, but reality is always the best way to get ahead....

ImperialBlether · 09/01/2013 21:04

Here's your thread, OP

aziraphale · 09/01/2013 22:10

Muffins- his kid needs somewhere to come for access. They re currently boggling in front of the TV having devoured kebab shop kebabs for dinner and leaving downstairs in a shit tip for me to clear up again. Oh and his son is four. Years. Old. Ex oh forgot to come to my 32 week scan today.

I don't have a problem with caving in Smile and in honour of your have actions tonight, we'll shave another couple of weeks off the grace time he's got and ill tell him tomorrow.

Stay strong. Definitely endorsing the wine idea, you've earned it!

SorryMyCandyCaneLollipop · 09/01/2013 22:16

Well done muffins!!! Wine

maras2 · 09/01/2013 22:16

Glad you've binned him Muffins.Did he lose his job for being a sex pest by any chance?Best wishes for the future without this sexually incontinent dirty pig.