Really need some advice, too scared to finish relationship but head telling me I have to

(44 Posts)
muffins Sun 27-Nov-11 02:36:41

I don't know where to post this so have opted for here, please go easy on me smile

I'm 27 and have one DS. In October last year when DS was 3 I met DP on an Internet dating website. Things moved pretty quickly and I fell pregnant in jan this year. During those first 3 months of the relationship i got herpes (presumably from DP doc says given my sexual history) I put this in as given DPs recent behaviour I'm beginning to think is it any wonder. As far as the herpes is concerned I do not hold DP responsible really, he seems to be one of the 'lucky' symptomless carriers. I just accept it's one of those things unfortunately.

Anyways, so at about 30 weeks pregnant DP went out and left his laptop on for me to use Internet. He'd left his Facebook inbox screen up and there were messages from about 4 women, rude stuff, arranging meeting up etc. I want to say at this point that I have NEVER been one to go through messages phones etc but I just stumbled across these. So I confronted DP, he apologised vowed never to do it again blah blah.

8 weeks ago DD was born, she is beautiful and perfect.

When she was 5 weeks old DP stayed in a hotel on 'business'. I had been feeling things weren't right again and spoke to him that evening and asked him outright if he was happy with me. He said yes. When he returned home the next day I read messages on his phone where that evening he had been trying to get 3 women at work to come to hotel (not at same time!) and other various suck my cock stuff, u get the idea. As far as I gather, they were busy. Again I confronted DP, never do it again he said etc etc.

So tonight we are in hotel, he went out with work lads for some event. I would have stayed home but his car is broken at mo so we came in mine. I had a nice evening with kids at cinema so has been ok. When DP came back at midnight I looked at his phone ( I know I'm not helping myself here). He had texted the same 3 women but deleted the texts. He says it was just asking where they should go out with the lads. In my heart, I know this is utter bollocks but maybe I should give him benefit of doubt. He couldn't tell me why he didn't ask men colleagues from this area instead.

I don't want to be neurotic and have no problem with female friends, he just seems incapable of a platonic relationship.

What should I do? End it? We are supposed to be moving into new rented house in 12 days and have given notice on current property. I can't afford new place on my own.

Should I ask these women for the truth? I have nothing against them really, I know it's DP that's the arse. Should I warn them bout herpes??? I know he wouldn't mention it. I've had some horrendous attacks since DD born and this stress is not helping I don't think.

Advice please

entropygirl Sun 27-Nov-11 02:44:08

Sorry you are having such a tough time!

Okay this is going to seem like a random question but do you actually mind him having sex with other women? I know society tells us its bad but actually its only bad if you have a problem with it (or with him lying about it).

If you do have a problem with it then you will have to get out sooner rather than later because if he is shagging around 5 weeks after your DD was born then he certainly isnt going to stop any time soon.

muffins Sun 27-Nov-11 02:48:31

I hate the lying so much more than anything else. As far as I'm concerned the truth is always far easier to deal with.
As far as I'm aware, no snagging has occurred yet (though not through lack of trying) or perhaps I'm being naive here. And yes, I do have a problem with it. Stupid iPhone, I mean shagging obviously and not snagging.

TunaTiebacks Sun 27-Nov-11 02:57:47

I don't blame you at all for phone checking, once the seed of doubt has been planted (by him!) it's inevitable that you want to know. Been there, done it. In my case he was cheating, I knew it all along. If it's not too late, I would pull out of the move because if - sorry but probably when - things go tits up you do not want to be in a house you can't afford.

philmassive Sun 27-Nov-11 03:00:22

Ooh you poor thing for him to be treating you like this so soon after having his dc.

I think if it were me the first thing I'd do is get his phone and text them all to tell them about the herpes. I'm thinking that they have probably rebuffed his advances, since he tries it on with all 3 of them, but it's important that they know in case any of them were considering taking it further.

I have some vague recollection of a case where a woman who had knowingly passed on herpes was sued and I wonder if they could end up doing this to him. Hope that makes sense.

As for the issue of his flirtation / infidelity / unreliability I am no expert. Someone who is will be along to advise you no doubt. But I do wonder if he has any scruples at all I don't think I could live being suspicious of him tbh. Life is too short to be constantly wondering and on guard and I don't think leopards change their spots. Sorry.

muffins Sun 27-Nov-11 03:01:07

Tuna...I know you are right. I know it. But how will I cope sad I'm still a bit hormotional/hormental from having DD.
Being a single mum to two kids from different dads, and herpes. It's so tragic it almost makes me laugh.

Think would wait until all settled into the new home, then kick him out. I know you said you can't afford the rent there alone, but wouldn't there be some kind of benefit for a single mother? Might as well use the feckless wonder as a furniture mover before telling him where to stuff his sexting ways...

muffins Sun 27-Nov-11 03:24:40

I think I'd be told I earn too much for any help, it's only 225 more a month than I've paid in past but had to replace car so have that repayment now. Though roof over head is most important, maybe if I did my sums I could manage.
I feel scared by the whole prospect but know I can't carry on as is.
I feel like such a mug.

Do the sums, knowledge is power. On the cheating/sexting and all that... You asked him to stop, he didn't and you didn't chuck him out then. Now, he must feel he has a licence to do it. "other various suck my cock stuff" is either OK with you or not. When he had a new, precious, tiny baby whose mother was caring for the new child, yuk. What an utter, utter cum stain on the face of creation (and, believe it or not, that is me censoring the swearing).

If you have made the decision that you won't have a cheating, lying, disrespectful partner, everything else is window dressing. It will be incredibly hard but I have a friend whose father cheated in her childhood and was forgiven. She, her sister and brother are all really messed up from this and have huge relationship issues.

Do you have family/friends that could help? Oh, and the herpes thing. You will learn to manage it better and the attacks will become less frequent. It wasn't your fault you got a really common disease. Avoid stress. I know that may not be easy. Try L-lysine.

Sloobreeus Sun 27-Nov-11 06:41:21

Muffins, presumably the new lease is in joint names? Maybe you should post in legal or find out whether or not he can be held liable for half the rent if his name is on the lease but he does not live there. If you are going to end up in the new place on your own, what about chasing him via the CSA? So sorry this is how things have turned out for you. <hug>

runningwilde Sun 27-Nov-11 06:46:40

I'm sorry but he is a cunt and he will never change. He will lie and cheat and you will become even more miserable. You need to think about yourself and your children and get this pathetic cock out of your life.

He won't ever change. Yanbu and you need to see him for the cunt that he is.

runningwilde Sun 27-Nov-11 06:48:26

And I'm afraid you are being naive about the shagging

muffins Sun 27-Nov-11 06:48:33

Thanks for all the advice so far it's really helpful.
Family long way away, plenty of friends though (who thought I should have ditched the numpty first time round).
Good idea re the rent, will try and copy thread into legal also when home later and have a pc.
What is l-lysine? Is it ok with breastfeeding? I'll try anything, doc has just put me on a 2 month suppressive dose to give me a break and a chance for body to get over pregnancy.

daveywarbeck Sun 27-Nov-11 06:51:57

My mother forgave my father over and over again. He eventually fucked off for good when she was 45 years old, taking his pension fund with him. You've only been with this man for what, a year? If you hadn't had DD you'd have kicked him to the kerb instantly wouldn't you? Better to be a single mother than walked all over. There's no shame in being a single parent. Your self respect will enventually be eroded by being treated like this, believe me.

DownbytheRiverside Sun 27-Nov-11 06:55:44

It doesn't sound as if he wanted a permanent relationship or the baby TBH, met you in October and a dad 4 months later? Did you intend to get pregnant? Did you both agree to the idea of being together to raise her?
How is your son coping with all the changes?
Do you have anyone you trust in RL to help you and to discuss things with?
You need to talk honestly with him, not about the women but whether he really intends to stay around and what his true feelings are about your relationship

muffins Sun 27-Nov-11 06:58:07

That night I asked him if he was happy with me I said I didn't think we'd be together if i hadn't been pregnant with DD. The little cutey is gurgling away in the travel cot next to me sad

DownbytheRiverside Sun 27-Nov-11 07:00:58

Did e give you a proper answer, or just ' Yeaah, of course I am' ?
What's his past relationship history like? His family?

daveywarbeck Sun 27-Nov-11 07:02:54

You need to separate him and DD in your mind. You've had a child together, you love her, of course you do. I expect he does too. That doesn't mean you have to be with him. Rejecting him doesn't mean DD isn't wanted or loved.

I knew a woman who ended up in a similar situation to you, pregnant within weeks of meeting someone and they felt they ought to try and be in a conventional nuclear family relationship for the sake of the child. It didn't work - they had never really been in love, the relationship hadn't even got off the ground before she got pregnant. They actually barely knew each other. Lost touch with her now, she moved up country to be nearer extended family support but last I heard they were having a perfectly amicable co-parenting relationship.

muffins Sun 27-Nov-11 07:10:04

DS coping great and loves new sister. How he would react to DP leaving the scene I'm not sure but what can i do? Doubting that DP is really a great role model. He loves DPs parents but I guess he can still see them with DD.
Getting pregnant was no accident, it rarely is in my opinion. We were having unprotected sex with no other forms of contraception. He was more than aware of this and tbh honest I think he liked the idea of me getting pregnant, but perhaps not the reality. I thought we were genuinely happy when I found out.
He has been married in past, technically still is. From what I gather she left him because of his lying. I only found this out when saw the Facebook messages first time round.

I know I must look like a right idiot and i should never have got pregnant (this will be mums exact words!) so soon into a relationship but its done now. Have a friend coming to stay tomorrow so can have a good chat with her too smile

Glad you've got some RL support.
I would be fuming if someone gave me herpes. Really really cross.
I think you know you'll be dumping Mr Wankshaft don't you? Be strong.

daveywarbeck Sun 27-Nov-11 07:19:11

He's a shit role model for both of your children, tbh. You don't want your DD to grow up thinking it's OK for her mother to be treated as he has treated you.

daveywarbeck Sun 27-Nov-11 07:20:55

Sorry, do you mean you didn't know he had been married (and in fact still is!) until you saw it on FB? And he also gave you herpes?

Christ.

This man is a compulsive liar, sounds like he wouldn't know how to be honest if his life depended on it.

Get rid, get rid, get rid, get rid.

AlpinePony Sun 27-Nov-11 07:21:04

Chin up, you sound like a toughie and you'll be back on your feet in no time. smile

Sort your contraception out though, one of my friends has recently caught syphilis (!) From her bf who "just has a lot of female friends". She admits she had condoms on her bedstand...

muffins Sun 27-Nov-11 07:30:12

Alpine your poor friend sad

I knew he was married and separated. The message was actually his ex asking for a divorce. Having seen the news of DDs impending arrival she put that she felt the time was right. His reply.....that he didn't want a divorce and he always thought it was her he'd be having children with etc etc....ouch.
They've been separated years now and she is in long term relationship, good for her I say.

ballstoit Sun 27-Nov-11 07:35:13

TBH I think you know he has cheated, and will continue to do so. So, what you actually need to decide is when to get rid of him and what to do about the practical side of things. It's bad enough that this moron has given you Herpes, with his lax attitude to protection, contraception and fidelity I'd be worrying about what I might get next, HIV is a rapidly spreading virus among young heterosexuals in this country sad.

Ex-H cheated and lied about other things for years, I have found it easier to be a single parent to 2 and then 3 DC (I was pg when he left me) than to live in constant fear of what I would find out next. So;

- Contact your current landlord and ask to stay in your current property. If you've been a good tenant they should be happy for you to stay. You will be better financially and it will be one less upheaval for your DS, who will initially be confused about DP leaving.

- Look at entitledto.com and work out how you're going to manage financially in short and long term. You may be entitled to Local Housing Allowance while on mat.leave or in long term with 2 DC...get forms as they take ages to process.

- Is DP employed or self employed? Hopefully employed, as this will make CSA more likely to get some cash for your DD. Get in touch with them and getforms completed...send them to a friend's address if you need. They take up to 12 weeks to process a claim so the sooner you get one in the better.

- Make a plan with your friend as to how and when you will be telling DP when to move out. He will tell you he'll change, nothing has happened, you are paranoid due to baby. I'd suggest getting support to get rid or you'll be persuaded, and better to get rid sooner rather than later IMO, before your DS starts picking up more on how little this man thinks of his mother.

Maybe ask for this thread to be moved to Relationships, there are lovely people in there who hide AIBU and if it remains here you are likely to receive some pretty harsh judgements later today which may not be very helpful in your current vulnerable position.

Good luck

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