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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So, he's gone, help me stay away from the drinks cabinet!!

79 replies

Ihatexmas · 07/01/2013 21:25

Posted a thread under the title boilerwoman yesterday (will link to it when I figure out how)

But basically my lovely DP has walked out on me and our little man tonight. He has gone to his mum's, ostensibly to 'think about what he wants' but we all know what a pile of steaming codswallop that is.

The backstory is that after years of a perfectly happy long term relationship we got into a rut over the past couple of months, got bored, took each other for granted and Christmas was somewhat of an ordeal. Next thing we are having a heart to heart over NYE and the following days but the upshot is that he loves me but he doesn't know what he wants anymore. Blah blah fucking blah.

I know what you will all say but there is no sign of an OW. Nada. And I am the suspicious type. Of course I can't discount it entirely but, in any case, the existence of some putative lurking bint is very much beside the point.

What I cannot quite got my head around, what I cannot fucking believe,is his willingness to leave the family, leave the child he absolutely adores and that he has parented equally for the last 5 years. Without even trying to turn things around. He knows how devastated that child will be, he is such a daddy's boy, has such a happy and contented life, until today.

This is screaming OW isn't it? I asked but he said there was no one else.

I didn't cry when he left, he was looking at me waiting for me to bawl but I didn't; I just coolly saw him off. I thought I would cry, I have been for days and on the verge all day at work. But I just couldn't get it out of my head as he was packing up his stuff - if he can leave his family, his adored son so easily, is he really the man I thought he was at all? So I didn't cry.

It doesn't seem real. How many times have I read the 'he's gone' thread on here - never thought it would be me, we were so so bloody happy for so long.

I have to take my share of the blame - I neglected him, let things slide, let myself go.

Anyway if anyone who has been through this can tell me how to get through the rest of the week I would be beyond grateful. Also, my default setting is to hit the bottle right now but I don't want to, for a million very good reasons.

I have no support network as such, none that would as much use as a chocolate fireguard anyway , and no one I want to tell yet, can't face it. Can't face fucking platitudes and baseless prognostications of everything working out ok in the end. Because if there is one thing I know, it is that things will very much not be ok.

You're it ladies, on the hand holding and steering away from the booze front.. Sad

OP posts:
Doha · 07/01/2013 21:31

no good advice but willing to hold hand very tightly and give you a Brew

Original poster
Ihatexmas · 07/01/2013 21:34

Thanks xx

OP posts:
ThePinkOcelot · 07/01/2013 21:35

Keep away from the booze!
This thread could have been me last year. My DH walked out on me and my 2 dds. He hadn't been happy for a long time apparently, news to me! Anyway, we were separated for 4 months, in which time I went to visit my sister in Australia and had a great time. During this time, he realised that he missed me and loved me - this was a blip. There was no one else involved.
I would advise you to not look to the future, but take each day as it comes. If you want to cry, cry. Take all the help you are offered and be good to yourself.
TBH, I got used to him not being here, we were in a good routine. Sometimes, I wish I was still on my own, as bad as that sounds!
Keep posting. xx

Convict224 · 07/01/2013 21:38

Shit. Im so sorry about this for you and your son.

Original poster
Ihatexmas · 07/01/2013 21:41

Thanks pinkocelot. I think I will have yet another cup of tea. I'm glad things worked out for you. I wish I had a sister to visit in some exotic location - I'd be packing now, but the furthest I am going to get is my bloody desk., unfortunately.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 07/01/2013 21:42

I have no advice but happy to do some hand holding and chocolate providing . What a bugger. From what you're saying he is in a rut and may well change his mind but that's not going to take away any of the hurt and shock and devastation in meantime.

Will he be back tomorrow to see ds?

Original poster
Ihatexmas · 07/01/2013 21:43

Thanks convict. It's my DS I am so sad for. This will break his heart.

OP posts:
Mumblepot26 · 07/01/2013 21:45

Hand holding sans platitudes, one minute at a time

Original poster
Ihatexmas · 07/01/2013 21:46

Yes, he will be back in the morning to take DS to school.

He was supposed to explain to DS in some vague way that he was not going to be here for a while, but he said nothing.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 07/01/2013 21:50

No words of wisdom except for look after yourself! Any way you could call in sick tomorrow and just gather your thoughts? Do you have any body at all in RL to share this with? Sending hugs xx

ThinkAboutItOnBoxingDay · 07/01/2013 21:51

This happened to my parents. My mum's default was booze too but she held off. I could hardly believe she was able and was so impressed.

Anyway, she lost 2 stone in 6 weeks and my dad came back tail between his legs. The two weren't related i don't think but the weight loss cheered her up no end.

Hang in there.

Original poster
Ihatexmas · 07/01/2013 21:53

Am crying a teeny bit now, for DS and the thought of his face when he realises his little world is not as safe and secure as he thought it was.

How can he be ok with doing this? nothing but nothing would make me walk out on that child, even for one night.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihatexmas · 07/01/2013 21:56

I have a sister but I can't make it 'real' yet by telling her.

I am not very good with people being kind to me when things are bad. Makes me feel pathetic and I will cry buckets.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihatexmas · 07/01/2013 22:11

Shameless bumping in needy fashion.

OP posts:
Blu · 07/01/2013 22:21

This sounds like a bad patch rather than a total collapse.

Be cool, but IF you think there is the potential for a good relaionship, then why not suggest a 'no strings' period of experiementation. By 'no strings' I mean your are both open monded, no-one puts a heavy obligation or expectation on the other, except to participate.

  1. Time apart - 2 weeks maybe, apart.
  2. A weekend away, having fun, get his Mum to look after your DS.
  3. Couples counselling.

Realtionships just aren't rose-scented wafts thorugh paradide and day to day parenting and work etc takes it's toll. Maybe you did all this, but it might be worth a few things to repair or refresh a relationship before chucking it in.

And, have a drink if you wnat one - just one.

Hope you are OK.

Blu · 07/01/2013 22:24

Sorry, I realise you are aaargh at him because HE walked away without even trying - if he's in a self indulgent flounce, maybe a week away from his little boy will make him realise how stupid he is being? Tell him if he's away he's away, and don't let him keep popping in and out for the school run!

mammadiggingdeep · 07/01/2013 22:25

Tell your sister. I had a terrible Xmas, had to turn up at my sisters on bOxing day with my two dd's (2 yrs and 6 months) with a bag, asking to stay for a while. I'd been dreading telling her but the relief if talking it through with her and a real hug was just what I needed. Somehow things didn't seem as bad once I was saying certain things out loud. That's my advice- a problem shared and all that.

Try not to think of the entirety of the situation either. Just think of it as he's gone for this week- a bit of space and 'time out'. just get through tonight first.....try to get some sleep if you can. X

OhIWishThereWasABook · 07/01/2013 22:26

Don't tell the little one anything yet maybe? Give it a few weeks until things seem clearer one way or the other. I might be wrong but you don't seem sure what is going on yet either (not sure your OH does either)
(((Hugs)))

Original poster
Ihatexmas · 07/01/2013 22:27

Thanks blu, I suggested all those things and was wasn't massively enthusiastic. I think that he thinks its over for him but hasn't the guts to tell me.

The thing is, if he takes too long about it, I will get mad and tell him to stick it.
I'm very tempted to email him tonight and tell him I am making the decision for him.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 07/01/2013 22:30

I agree with blu. It does sound like a rocky patch to me- sometimes a bit of breathing space is healthy and can help you both to re focus once you start talking again. Xx

Original poster
Ihatexmas · 07/01/2013 22:32

I thought we should maybe be upfront with DS from the off as he is sure to notice something's up? He and his dad have been constant companions, he misses him if he's not here for an evening. I would leave it if I thought we would get away with it as I cannot face the whole 'telling school' thing yet. Not until I have my emotions under control.

OP posts:
Skyebluesapphire · 07/01/2013 22:38

I am sorry, I was on your other thread. My XH left last April and I couldnt believe how he could walk out on his 4yo DD but he did.

I can't believe how he just decided on his own that the marriage was over , no consultation with me, and just walked out.

He was infatuated with OW sadly, emotionally, not physically, as far as I know....

It is a horrible thing to go through, but you will. I didn't know how I would survive, yet several months on, I am divorced and still here...

It does get better, but you have to go through the grief and pain. I am sorry, but there is no way around it :(

I hope for your sake that there is no OW, as it makes things less bitter I think, if nobody else is involved.

Skyebluesapphire · 07/01/2013 22:39

My XH first walked out in February, at that time I just told DD that he was working as I hoped he would come back, which he did, five days later, but then left again 6 weeks later, after loads of contact with OW.

Maybe dont tell DS just yet, just leave it a few days

Blu · 07/01/2013 22:39

"Daddy's gone to Nan's for a few days. He loves you very much, but sometimes even grown ups have to spend a few days with their Mums"

Binfullofresolutionsfor10thjan · 07/01/2013 22:43

This sounds all a bit unknown for me, and I'd want to establish what the hell was going on.

Have you set a timeline for him to think things through?
Is he going to consider going into any counseling with you to see if you can get through this?

No wonder you are hurt, upset and confused, you are basically sitting there playing a guessing game.

I think you both need to decide together whether the marriage has the smallest chance of saving, and how you could work together to do this.

I'm sorry sweetheart, but marriage is f*cking hard, especially when it's just the two of you, with no real support network. Mine has come close to crumbling several times, but the core belief is that this is the man I see myself with over all others for the rest of my life.

I neglected my husband and my marriage because of stress, and life's complexities, and because we took each other for granted. It's taken a while to pull it round, both of us to accept responsibility and work at it.

I hope you find some peace and clarity over the next few days. Don't be afraid to take some time off work if you can afford to. I wouldn't want one of my team members dragging themselves in, in the midst of what you are dealing with.

Take care of yourself and your lovely DS. X