So, he's gone, help me stay away from the drinks cabinet!!

[Ihatexmas]

Posted a thread under the title boilerwoman yesterday (will link to it when I figure out how)

But basically my lovely DP has walked out on me and our little man tonight. He has gone to his mum's, ostensibly to 'think about what he wants' but we all know what a pile of steaming codswallop that is.

The backstory is that after years of a perfectly happy long term relationship we got into a rut over the past couple of months, got bored, took each other for granted and Christmas was somewhat of an ordeal. Next thing we are having a heart to heart over NYE and the following days but the upshot is that he loves me but he doesn't know what he wants anymore. Blah blah fucking blah.

I know what you will all say but there is no sign of an OW. Nada. And I am the suspicious type. Of course I can't discount it entirely but, in any case, the existence of some putative lurking bint is very much beside the point.

What I cannot quite got my head around, what I cannot fucking believe,is his willingness to leave the family, leave the child he absolutely adores and that he has parented equally for the last 5 years. Without even trying to turn things around. He knows how devastated that child will be, he is such a daddy's boy, has such a happy and contented life, until today.

This is screaming OW isn't it? I asked but he said there was no one else.

I didn't cry when he left, he was looking at me waiting for me to bawl but I didn't; I just coolly saw him off. I thought I would cry, I have been for days and on the verge all day at work. But I just couldn't get it out of my head as he was packing up his stuff - if he can leave his family, his adored son so easily, is he really the man I thought he was at all? So I didn't cry.

It doesn't seem real. How many times have I read the 'he's gone' thread on here - never thought it would be me, we were so so bloody happy for so long.

I have to take my share of the blame - I neglected him, let things slide, let myself go.

Anyway if anyone who has been through this can tell me how to get through the rest of the week I would be beyond grateful. Also, my default setting is to hit the bottle right now but I don't want to, for a million very good reasons.

I have no support network as such, none that would as much use as a chocolate fireguard anyway , and no one I want to tell yet, can't face it. Can't face fucking platitudes and baseless prognostications of everything working out ok in the end. Because if there is one thing I know, it is that things will very much not be ok.

You're it ladies, on the hand holding and steering away from the booze front..

I know colditz and we will, as soon as we have spoken and it is clear that he is not going to be coming back in a few days.

I texted him. He is very upset and crying, missing DS. going out of his mind, he says.

Do you love him?

Yes I do.

Have you laid your cards on the table?

It might be worth writing an email, don't send it immediately. Leave for the morning, re-read and if you still agree with your feelings, send it.

If you love him, and you want it to work, tell him you are prepared to do just that. Admit you've neglected the relationship, tell him your reasons why. Ask him if there is a chance to work it out. Ask him to reply honestly, and not to string you along. Acknowledge that it's not an overnight fix, but you are prepared to try hard and remind him of all the reasons you love him and want to stay with him. Don't use your ds in this, the reasons have to be about you and him.

Ask him if he'd consider counselling, if you would yourself.

That's all you can do really......be upfront, but expect him to be too. I don't think there is another woman.

When I think back to the last few years there were times when I would have given more attention to a pet than my dh, and i'm ashamed of that. it does take time, but I try and think more positive thoughts about him than negative, I bite my tongue and pick my battles. We are closer than we used to be. We are getting through it.

Hope you get some sleep tonight x

How are you today? How is the little one? funny how these threads make you feel like you know the OP.

Just read this

Hope you are doing ok, you have done the right thing in asking him to go.

I hope you will take this opportunity to look at rebuilding your life - developing a network of friends, investing in new interests, work, training and so on. This will make you stronger- if you do decide to take him back when he comes crawling back with his tail between his legs, at least you will know that you are not doing it out of dependence and weakness.

Hello all, thanks for asking, things are a tiny bit better today. He has just left.

Mainly because I realised I was being hard and selfish in being so angry with him for going. He was very upset last night and I realised that moving out on us is probably the hardest thing he has ever had to do, by a very long way.

He came round to have his tea with DS and put him to bed., at my suggestion. DS was upset that his dad had been away so long and I had to explain that he was going away again. It went ok and he will be back in the morning.

You are absolutely right in saying that I need to develop interests, networks and all the rest. I so do.

Today I went into town and bought some make up, pampering stuff and vitamins (can't eat)Am getting hair done on Friday. I'm getting my mojo back come what may!!

We are going to speak at the weekend and work out what to tell DS about the forthcoming weeks. The sleepover at nana's won't hold water for too long. I think I am so consumed with worry for DS that I can't really focus on my own feelings about the split.

This thread has been really helpful for me - I still haven't told anyone in RL. Not ready.

Its is pure torture thinking about the effect on DS when we tell him that he isn't coming home. Things are going to get a lot worse before they get better.

Glad to hear you are thinking about your own needs. I know it sounds cheesy, but unless you are prepared to look after yourself, and become the old you, it's difficult to even think about what you want to change in the relationship. It would be very easy to get back into the old cycle that led you to this difficulty in the first place.

I wasn't happy inside and I think I blamed my dh for that when things got bad.

It's good that you are planning to talk it through at the weekend, as you need to put steps in place for your future, whether he's in it or not, you need direction.

Not ideal, but don't forget DS has two parents that love him very much whatever happens. Not everyone can say that.

Far from bloody ideal.

Late checking in, but glad you've got through another day.

Will be hard tonight as he is just popping in. DS will be gutted. I will be back later seeking comfort...

Retire to another room and google your new haircut/colour tomorrow, preferably whilst soaking your feet for a mini pedicure.

There will be plenty of folks around tonight to help you through it.

As soon as you can, I would make access a bit more formal - all this popping in etc is messing with your head and it will confuse your DC.

Ideally access should take place regularly and away from your home.

Should it? I thought we should try to maintain as much of the status quo as possible for DS's sake. It doesn't mess with my head seeing him, we work in the same place anyway. He owns half of the house, most of his stuff is still here. He will be doing school run as he drives and I don't.

DS is only little - surely the less upheavel the better?

You have just said it will be "hard tonight as he is just popping in". Isn't that messing with your head?

Your DH needs to understand that he has made his choice and that the reality of his cheating means he is effectively a macdonalds dad now. Your house is now your home. One day each weekend and one or two evenings a week is the norm, unless you both want 50:50 access.

He hasn't cheated though op, has he?

If you are sure that it is over, then you need to formalise access ASAP. BUT If this is a separation, then maybe he could still put him to bed, but it will confuse DS i would say. I think I said upthread, that when I was trying to get XH to come back, I cooked him tea twice a week and he put DD to bed, but it just confused her. She didnt want to go to bed if he was still here, then in the morning she would come running into my room looking for him :(

Once XH made it quite clear that he wouldnt come back, I never let him in the house again. I did it because I couldnt bear to be near him and because it was way too confusing for DD. This way, she knows that he doesnt live here and he doesnt come in the house.

Your situation is still up in the air though isn't it? So only you know what you want to do for the moment

Bin - we don't know if he has cheated but he still made the choice to check out of his marriage and family life.

He can'r expect the best of both worlds - cosy evenings in the family home and the single life away from his marriage. He needs to know what it will be really like if he formalised the separation and that means living the life of a single dad.

No, he hasn't cheated. I can't swear that he hasn't met someone he wants to cheat with, of course, but that's by no means a foregone conclusion.

I am shocked ladies, shocked I tell you. He dropped us home, came in for a cup of tea, we let DS play his lego batman game as I thought it would keep him occupied as DP left. It did. He barely looked at him as he left and just waved him off. I feared that once the game was turned off there would be trouble but no. He ate his tea, we both jumped up and down on some bubble wrap for a bit and he went to bed happily. Not only that but he never once mentioned DP.

I asked him once if he minded daddy staying away again and he said, yes I do mind I wish he would stay here. That was the end of the conversation. Is this a one off or will it not be as heartbreaking as I feared??

We are not married by the way, not that it makes a difference in the general scheme of things, especially to DS.

He doesn't want cosy evenings in the family home. He is only here because we both thought that DS would find a gradual change easier. He is used to spending a lot of time with him.

I am reading what you say about formal access and thinking about it. It has only been 4 days and this is all out of the blue so the thought of the every second weekend thing is not one I am ready to contemplate yet.

An update:

Things got worse and then they got better.

We fell out, I cut up rough, made him cry, we made up , he came over, we talked, he said it was killing him being apart from us he wanted to come home. He said that instead of him leaving we should have sent DS to his nan's and gone away together to talk (like, I hadn't suggested that very thing!) . We are going to do that but things are already better and we are both happier already.

We both realised that what we have together is better than any imaginable alternative and as far as it possible to tell we are not just doing it for DS.

Thanks for all the handholding and sage advice ladies. Encouraging him to move out was the right thing to do,, even if him moving out was in his view a mistake. If he hadn't we'd still be going round in circles. We won't ever get into a rut again, whatever else may go wrong.

Time to retire ihatexmas and return as me.

Thank you mumsnet ladies for your support.
xx

So glad to read this.

I think it often takes something brutal to happen to effect change. You were brave and knew that he had to see the alternative before he would realise what he stood to lose. In so doing, you've fast-tracked probably months of angst, navel-gazing and even worse, trying to turn yourself into the perfect partner for an ambivalent bloke. There's still a bit of a risk of that to be honest, as I'm sure you realise? Make sure you get your needs met too and that you're not on tenterhooks waiting for another flakey episode eh? Cos' the power's shifted here a fair bit, hasn't it?

He had to admit that moving out was a mistake and he found it unbearable to be apart. I certainly don't think the power has shifted in his favour. I could have played the power game last night and sent him packing to suffer a bit more but it wasn't necessary. The truth is I have probably always slightly had the edge in power terms but I don't mind if is equal from now on.

I don't intend to be some Stepford wifey either believe me! I will put the effort in but I will expect full reciprocation or he'll be in trouble!!