So, he's gone, help me stay away from the drinks cabinet!!

[Ihatexmas]

Posted a thread under the title boilerwoman yesterday (will link to it when I figure out how)

But basically my lovely DP has walked out on me and our little man tonight. He has gone to his mum's, ostensibly to 'think about what he wants' but we all know what a pile of steaming codswallop that is.

The backstory is that after years of a perfectly happy long term relationship we got into a rut over the past couple of months, got bored, took each other for granted and Christmas was somewhat of an ordeal. Next thing we are having a heart to heart over NYE and the following days but the upshot is that he loves me but he doesn't know what he wants anymore. Blah blah fucking blah.

I know what you will all say but there is no sign of an OW. Nada. And I am the suspicious type. Of course I can't discount it entirely but, in any case, the existence of some putative lurking bint is very much beside the point.

What I cannot quite got my head around, what I cannot fucking believe,is his willingness to leave the family, leave the child he absolutely adores and that he has parented equally for the last 5 years. Without even trying to turn things around. He knows how devastated that child will be, he is such a daddy's boy, has such a happy and contented life, until today.

This is screaming OW isn't it? I asked but he said there was no one else.

I didn't cry when he left, he was looking at me waiting for me to bawl but I didn't; I just coolly saw him off. I thought I would cry, I have been for days and on the verge all day at work. But I just couldn't get it out of my head as he was packing up his stuff - if he can leave his family, his adored son so easily, is he really the man I thought he was at all? So I didn't cry.

It doesn't seem real. How many times have I read the 'he's gone' thread on here - never thought it would be me, we were so so bloody happy for so long.

I have to take my share of the blame - I neglected him, let things slide, let myself go.

Anyway if anyone who has been through this can tell me how to get through the rest of the week I would be beyond grateful. Also, my default setting is to hit the bottle right now but I don't want to, for a million very good reasons.

I have no support network as such, none that would as much use as a chocolate fireguard anyway , and no one I want to tell yet, can't face it. Can't face fucking platitudes and baseless prognostications of everything working out ok in the end. Because if there is one thing I know, it is that things will very much not be ok.

You're it ladies, on the hand holding and steering away from the booze front..

Thanks all, you are very kind.

I think that's good actually blu - am going to use that. Why couldn't I think of something so simple??

I haven't given him a timescale yet but I sure as hell will.

I really hope there is no OW because I will fucking cut up rough if there is. I know you are not supposed to but the moral high ground will be but a distant mirage on the horizon if any female emerges from the woodwork in a premature fashion.

So sorry to hear you are going through this. My DH is currently sitting next to me on the sofa, immersed in his iphone, but has expressed his view that its all over and he's leaving soon. Like you, I can't believe he's going to leave our 5 year old DD. I swing between utter hysteria and feeling quite calm. I have spoken to loads of people, it makes me feel calmer to talk. My vicar came to see me today and he was lovely.

I find myself crying unexpectedly on tesco because I can't concentrate on what I need to buy. I had to tell my little girl that I was crying because I had a headache and she wiped away my tears and told me that it made her sad to see me cry.

I am just trying to think one day at a time at the moment, otherwise I will lose the plot and my 4 DC's need me to be strong. I feel like I am in some weird parallel universe and that any minute now, he'll wake up and be the person I know again. But I don't think that's what's going to happen.

I've lost 1.5 stone in about 3 weeks, so it has its upsides. I can see my cheekbones again and get in clothes I haven't worn in 7 years!

Sorry your going through this too totallydistraught.

I am weirdly calm too at the moment. I think it is totally bloody outrageous to announce a relationship is over and then carry on occupying the sofa and the bed as if nothing had changed. It is real torture for the other person. DP was doing same and that's why I told him to go today.

I am really hoping that the heartbreak diet will work for me too. That's one of the reasons for not wanting to resort to the bottle.

I knew a widower in his sixties who, when he got together with a younger woman, decided his four adult children (and four grandchildren) were surplus to requirements. Turned them all away one by one until he was in glorious isolation in his new life. Having seen that happen, nothing surprises me any more. Your DS may have been 'like a son' but crucially he wasn't his son... he was part of the Ihatexmas package deal. To disconnect from you therefore means disconnecting from your son. Clean break.

Funnily enough, kids often understand better than adults about what it means to fall out with someone and stop being friends for no real reason. It's the world they inhabit. Won't prevent him being upset but he may be more resilient than you anticipate.

Against all advice, I am not pushing for him to leave just yet. I expect I will soon enough but I just don't have the courage today.

Cogito he is very much my DP's son. Biologically and every way. He is the dead spit of him. The apple of his eye.

Totallydistraught. I didn't have the courage either but I just went for it today - it is easier than sitting awkwardly together on the sofa and trying not to cry, as it turns out. You will have to deal with it in your own way and in your own time.

Sorry, I hadn't picked up that DS is his biological son. However, I think the same applies... he looks at him as 'your son', part of you, and by hurting him he hurts you by extension. As a lot of us discover on a break-up, we don't really know the people we've been sharing our lives with very well at all. Glad you've told him what's happening.

Well, I got through the first 24 hours ok. Didn't cry, didn't dive into the gin, went to work, acted normal all day.

He dropped us home this evening and came in. DS knows nothing yet. Blissfully playing away and chatting to DP. I told him he wasn't hanging around until DS had gone to bed and that he could tell him he was off to nana's for the night and would be back for the school run in the morning.

He did it. DS wasn't happy, asked him why he was going, asked him to stay, said ' I need you both here with me' I had to leave the room.

When DS realises that his dad isn't ever going to be here with us again he will be devastated. I am ok for myself but I can't bear what this will do to him.

Since he left DS keeps saying he wants his dad. My head feels like it will explode with unshed tears.

How can he do it? I just couldn't. Never.

And I am left with the sad, puzzled little face at bedtime, not understanding why dad isn't here.

Days and days of this ahead, getting worse and worse as the truth dawns. And he can swan off and feel sorry for himself at his parents, while I face it alone.

Fucking fucking fucking scrrreeeaaaam.

Sorry. If I don't let it out I will send him angry texts.

I want to send him angry texts. I feel like he isn't the person I thought he was. I want him to suffer with me and DS.

Anyone???

Anyone???

You can let it all out here, no need for texts.

Was there an atmosphere in the house? Just saying, my ds wouldn't notice one of us going out in the evening to pop to the gym, supermarket etc, on a normal night, but may panic or feel distressed if there is an atmosphere.

Your dh has to man up and take some of this responsibility if he has made up his mind. He needs to sit and explain to your ds what is going on. It's not fair of him to just turn up for an hour of "fun dad" time and leave you with the questions and debris to clear up.

Otherwise I would be trying to do it myself, out of sight out of mind with kids - so these visits aren't helping him settle. Tell ds he has to be away for the rest of the week, and then arrange for him to have him over the weekend, at his mum's house, or at a time when you can be out at the weekend.

Hello sweetness,

I am so sorry for your suffering - I was left too, years and years ago, but my DS though only 6 at the time barely batted an eyelid when he went, because his Dad had had an OW for years and hardly saw him. It must be agony.

Sweetheart, from reading similar threads to yours I usually see that the advice given is a) detach, detach, detach and b) keep your dignity at all costs, and this advice, given by terrific women who are far wiser than me, seems to be the best in the end. So scream if you will and keep venting on here, but please don't send texts or go round to where he's staying and sink an axe into his skull however much you may want to.

Have a and some

They just aren't the people that we thought they were and that, I think, is the bitterest pill of all to swallow.

i think you need to tell him that daddy isnt going to be sleeping there again.
its awful (i know- this was me a couple of months ago) but he's confused.

mine were devestated and i hated myself but ... it got better. i'll never forget theyre faces but when dd told me last week that it was nice to see us both happier - i knew id done the right thing. obviously she, at 12 is older than your ds but i think all my dc have sensed it. they seem happier too and i think alot of that is because ive been as honest as i can.

sounds stupid but it truly does get easier.

My DD was quite lost after her dad went, but he took her into another room and I didnt hear what he told her. She then came running out crying saying Daddy is going to live somewhere else. I was crying, she was crying, it was awful.

DD was heartbroken for a few days, on the verge of tears, a shadow of herself, but she picked up slowly and after a couple of weeks, she was ok. At that time, XH was coming round for tea twice a week and putting her to bed, as I was trying to persuade him to come back, but it was very confusing for DD. If he put her to bed, she expected him to be there in the morning..... After he ended it for good, I did not ever have him in the house again. Extreme I know, but he hurt me so much that I cannot stand to be around him.

For your DS sake, this is something that you need to talk about and consider the way that you tell him, if you are sure that it is permanent. If it isn't, then all he needs to know is that daddy is away for a few days.

8 months on, DD is full of fun, very lively and mostly happy. She occasionally asks when Daddy will be coming home, which makes me sad, but she has accepted her new life.

I am so sorry this is happening to you, I went through it 18mo ago when dd was just over 3.

I think you both need to sit down and tell DS together he has moved out but reassure him that mummy and daddy both love him very much. Your DS needs to feel secure and know that you both love him.
Personally I think that it's OK to cry in front of children - it's OK that parents get upset too. Just do not vent your anger towards him to your DS.

Echoing everyone else, it really does get easier.

I cannot give advice based on experience, but I do know that little kids at this age get over things quite well as long as they have support and feel safe.

You sound like an amazingly strong person, and I know this will be hard, but if you and your DP can focus on doing your best for your DS, you will be able to help him through this.

Several posters have given good advice about what to say to DS. And you are allowed to feel angry and vent - we are here to listen.

Hello lovey.

I didn't realise this thread was yours

Well done for today. That took some guts and professionalism.

I think you can fudge it for a short while with your son, but longer term it's generally much better to be honest with kids and also make sure that his dad stops coming to what was once the family home. I know residence agreements are a long way off just yet, but don't hesitate to put in place an arrangement where he picks DS up and takes him somewhere else, if this is too distressing to you and the little lad.

Doesn't sound like he put up much of a fight to stay then? I'm sure you did the right thing asking him to leave though.

Thanks so much.

The reason we have kept it vague so far is that he only left last night, supposedly to think about what he wants, although neither of us believes that. Also while it is so raw I do not want to have to tell school just yet as I will just burst into tears. If we tell DS we will have to tell his teacher - he is only 4 and a half and he will be upset and say things.

I was ok today, just a low level of anger that he could leave at the drop of a hat. But seeing DS so puzzled just by the one night sleepover thing, I realised he is about to go through a great deal of hurt and there's nothing I can do to avoid it.

It helps to know that your kids have adjusted and found happiness again.

I just need to get a grip.

Hello badinage, yup its me, I wasn't sure how to link to the old thread and I thought the title was a bit off putting since no one got it.

Yes, it was the right thing to tell him to go, not least because he wanted to.

For reasons I won't go into I really really wanted DS to have a 'proper ' 2 parent stable childhood. I am not saying that a single mum can't provide stability and everything else and I know that many are brilliant but I had my reasons. His life has been perfect up until now, I wanted that to continue for him, more than anything. He is so secure and confident of his place in the world and his family.

If DP can walk out what else will he do that I thought he wouldn't?

I am detaching - that is why I was able to get through the whole day at work without so much as a sniffle. I can't detach from DS ' s pain though.

I also wanted DD to have a 'proper' and 'normal' 2 parent family unlike my own. But you soon realise that 'proper' and 'normal' is what you and your child make of it - don't beat yourself up.

Work will be a great distraction - enables you to function.

I am sorry you are feeling low and going through this.

I would however say to you and to anyone else in this situation that he has stopped loving you not his son.

My wife had an affair and decided she didn't want me anymore, she wanted the other bloke (that didn't work out but thats another story)
I never once doubted her love for my son and I don't understand why anyone would.

If you adore your child then walking away from them is surely the hardest thing that any parent can do.

@maleview you are right. But I didn't say he'd stopped living his son, I have been at pains to say he adores him and has been a brilliant dad. I know this is as painful for him as it is for me and DS.

I am lashing out because he walked out. He says he does still love me, there is no OW and we have lost something - stopped enjoying each other. He is right about that.

Lashing out is natural.

Best way to be is to try and detach a bit and say

"look I know you haven't been happy and need some space so let's do that and see how we both feel in a month"

Who knows what a bit of space can do. Thats if you want to give it a
Chance.

You have to tell his teacher, because if his behaviour takes a dive, or if he starts regressing, they need to know why, or they might punish him unfairly.