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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The all new, sparkly,2013 Dating Thread - 35!

999 replies

watchoutforthatsnail · 06/01/2013 21:01

off you go.

OP posts:
Scrazy · 07/01/2013 13:15

Western, I would say if you both really care about each other, non of that matters. I have been in a situation before where one of us was more financially set up than the other. It's often not how much you have but if you have similar values about finances. Mine didn't work out, obviously, but it wasn't about what either of us had.

Velvet, I really wouldn't have anything more to do with ST. Send a final text, he sound weird and not worth your time. Even if you want a fwb type thing for now, there will be better people to start one up with.

A mate of mine loves sailing but it has only brought her mm so far, which she isn't interested in. I've heard today is a prime day for starting extra marital affairs. Be careful out there Grin.

Bant · 07/01/2013 13:16

OWW - I've been in situations before where one of us was a student and the other one was working, sometimes for over a year. It's always a bit difficult in that kind of situation because if one of you is actually skint and can't afford to buy a nice dinner for valentines, or birthday gift or pay for your own meal when you go out with their mates then it gets awkward. In times like that the poorer one used to 'make up for it' in terms of extra attention - cooking nice meals rather than eating out, picking flowers rather than buying them that kind of thing. Thoughtfulness goes a long way.

ike1 · 07/01/2013 13:19

Yes OWW but in my case I am reasonably financially secure and my last bf was unemployed without his own home...it did affect the relationship as I had to pay for some nights out etc...but in the end it was other reasons that caused the relationship to end. Your scenario is quite different.

VelvetSpoon · 07/01/2013 13:21

I will send it. Assuming he doesn't get there first of course. I know it won't make me feel better, I just have to tell myself he's not what I thought he was and stop looking at photos of him

I wouldn't want him just as a FWB anyway. And having tried to find a FWB in the past, for me they're just urban myths anyway. I just ended up in the same situation, with men I'd see shag once and never hear from again. So I gave that up as a bad job...

OhWesternWind · 07/01/2013 13:22

Thanks Scrazy and Bant I think we both have the same kind of values about money and all sorts of things, so it's good to hear that other people haven't foudn this to be too much of a problem. Neither of us is skint, we can both afford to go out, buy little presents and that, so it doesn't have any impact that way, which is good. Think I am probably over-thinking stuff again . . .

OhWesternWind · 07/01/2013 13:23

And thanks too Ike - cross posted.

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 07/01/2013 13:27

velvet, it will make you feel better. dont give him a chance to get in there first, you are putting all the power on him again, take some back!!
:)

i tired with the fwb too, led to me sleeping with 4 men end of last year, beginning of this, and also, never hearing from them again either. You couldnt make it up........

western, no idea, sorry. Im always going to be the skint one though... bit rubbish really.

OP posts:
Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 07/01/2013 13:33

velvet, you already said the pics dont actually look like him anyway.
Im now going to tell you to man up. so, man up!!!

why are you torturing yourself? there is absolutley no need to, you are chastising yourself when you have no reason to, we have all told you that.

Send the text, do it now ;)
delete off fb, do it now:)

dont wait for him to do it, stand up for yourself and dont let some low life treat you like crap.

then reward yourself with whatever floats your boat, shoes, crap tv, early night, bath, cheese, whatever. Give the online dating a break for a week or too, be nice to yourself... and pat yourself on the back for standing up for yourself.

OP posts:
Snapespeare · 07/01/2013 13:38

I wouldnt text ST actually velvet I'd wait and see what transpires over the next couple of days, I would bide my time and wait, rather than be goaded into a response. :) I wouldn't instigate a text, that looks like you've been discussing him on the internet thinking about him. You went out with your chums looking 'fahn' on saturday, you're a busy woman with a fascinating social life, i wouldn't let him know he is being thought of. leave your stinging come-back for the right moment. he'll be even more off-guard if he proposes meeting and then receives a 'no thanks' response.

I dont agree that he has made velvet feel anything. Velvet is in ownership of her own feelings. That doesnt excuse his behaviour, but gives Velvet ( I know you're here, I dont mean to discuss you as if you've left the room) the opportunity to choose how she feels about it. I know that is on the back of a sod-load of rejection.

Constant rejection is bollocks, I agree, but it's a part of life and one that has to be looked squarely in the face, picked apart and put back together again, otherwise we do get into the area of 'why do i just meet bastards.' they can't all be bastards. i refuse to believe they are all bastards.

OhWesternWind · 07/01/2013 13:50

They're not all bastards Wink

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 07/01/2013 13:51

i dont think hes ' made ' her feel that way.
people are in control of that, of course.

but if someone is behaving in a way thats not bringing out good feelings and is leading you to feel anxious, doubt yourself, feel horrible, then that person has the choice to either stand by and let that happen, or to do something about it.

also, hes still texting... so its not really instigating a text, its not coming out of the blue.

i dont think it is part of life that we have to be picked apart, i dont know anyone who has... certainly not any friends the same age who got married when i did. Not any family....

if anyone is going to to any looking squarely in the face, its only going tobe me, to myself. Noone is in a place to make any judgements on me ( that count for shit) and as long as im happy with myself, then thats fine.

OP posts:
VelvetSpoon · 07/01/2013 13:51

Can I just say Lubey I think I love you for what you just said on the options page! (cant get back on to FB to say it there...)

I KNOW you are only saying it to make me feel better and that in reality he IS much better looking than me but it still made me Grin lots.

So thank you, and Watch, and everyone else for being so lovely to me. The men I meet never give a stuff about me but it's rather fab, and makes me a bit glowy inside, that you all do :)

lubeybooby · 07/01/2013 13:54

Nooo velvet, I'm TOTALLY not saying it to make you feel better, I am genuinely of the opinion that his looks are meh and yours are wow! I swear on my entire life and family and pets!

ike1 · 07/01/2013 13:54

You know Snape I totally agree...which is why I try to see humour or at least irony in these situations it lightens the load....it is very true that rejection occurs to most of us at some point if you 'put yourself out there'. But what is the alernative hide away forever? Fine for some but I am not going to the Nunnery yet.....just donning the chastity belt and pursed lips for a while.

ike1 · 07/01/2013 13:57

Oh and yes I know lip pursing causes fine mouth wrinkles but ...fuck it ..

ike1 · 07/01/2013 14:00

There is always botox --and a good moisturiser....both of which I am indulging in soon

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 07/01/2013 14:01

velevet, you are so down on yourself sometimes. please, accept compliements where they are due.
also - have a look around you when you walk through town, look at those about the same age as you, then look at yourself... you look very very good :)
and, even if you werent, then, this:?A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.?

:)

OP posts:
AndLibbyMakesThree · 07/01/2013 14:03

I've been catching up on all the posts for the last few days, and I was so disappointed and angry to read about ST. Velvet, I'm thinking about you, and am so glad that you've had good support from this thread.

The first part of my surprise date on Saturday turned out to be a football match - which would possibly be a huge disappointment to lots of you (though I have a vague memory that Velvet likes football - am I right?) But I was over the moon, as I love football and haven't seen my team for over a year. So Mr C chose well!

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 07/01/2013 14:03

ike- i think its a lot harder to see the humour in situations, when it is you they are directly happening too........
especially if they are things that are less than nice.

OP posts:
VelvetSpoon · 07/01/2013 14:04

Lubey no way! he is (in photo even if not in RL) by far the best looking bloke I've ever encountered via OD. and a lot better than me. (And that's not me thinking I'm unattractive I don't. But he's better)

However that doesn't make up for him being a liar, a bit odd, and clearly not the one for me.

I will get rid, but I have to do it when I'm ready, which isn't right now (as right now I'm going off to buy myself something nice for lunch). That's not to say I don't appreciate everyone's advice, I really, really, do.

lubeybooby · 07/01/2013 14:11

Blimey velvet - I think we either have wildly different taste, or you have some strange looks goggles, or he is awfully, awfully unphotogenic

Based on his profile (not just pics) he would go on my 'no' pile. And you know I'm not a goddess or anything it's just the hamster look makes me feel a bit ill.

Now you however, I'd date you. But not him Wink

ike1 · 07/01/2013 14:13

I see humour in all my own situations too though...really...even the ex husband having a 4 year affair behind my back. I did have some belly laughs with a friend about it ..quite soon after discovery. I know that sounds bonkers and maybe it is but its like Shakespearean tragedy ....there is only so many tears a woe that can be taken on board...which is why he uses characters like The Fool.

ike1 · 07/01/2013 14:15

and (sp) however I understand that Velv doesnt fancy laughter at mo. Just see me as The Fool character on this thread ....making (silly, unhelpful) lighthearted comments...that just me...odd bod that I am

Snapespeare · 07/01/2013 14:16

The rejection has to be picked apart - not Velvet.

When people behave shittily towards 'us' i agree, you can let it happen, you can take control of the situation or you can ignore it. This isnt a long term relationship. This is one date and he's told a fib about his whereabouts

I always think there is the danger of the cacophony of shit-at-being single, unloved, uncuddled, rejection, rejection, rejection building up into a giant reaction that is disproportionate to the instance itself.

There's really no need to cut him down to size without being in full possesion of the facts The fact is that he has been seeing multiple people while not being in a relationship with anyone, has cancelled a date and has told a lie. Call him on the lie and see what happens.

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 07/01/2013 14:18

you musy have a dark sense of humour then ike, most people would find that devestating.

i try to find humour is stuff, but, sometimes, you just cant. its then you know its a bit shit.

i cant see his profile... though i am on your fb velvet. i want a nose now. and id trust lubeys judgement too... :)

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