The all new, sparkly,2013 Dating Thread - 35!

[watchoutforthatsnail]

off you go.

The proactive bit makes a huge difference. To do that though, there has to be a certain amount of possible contact to get started. When you are a single parent with younger DC it can be very difficult to make new friends and have a social circle with the school gate parents who are couples. Often, the job will be full time as there is no other income. No time to stop at chat with sahp at the school gates before rushing for work. Viewed with more than a little suspicion with some smug marrieds, not invited to the 'drop DC off and have a bite to eat' circuit. No chance of going for impromptu drinks after work, it goes on. As time goes on, the friend circle can naturally get smaller and smaller, it is not always a matter of getting out there in RL. The number of friends I have to go out with for example, is exactly one, every other weekend.

Voice what are the types of clubs where there are mostly men?

Juliette In rural areas clay pigeon shooting is a man feast.

Voice it's beginning to sound attractive

Juliette

Watch thanks for being so lovely, I know I am whining. I don't get it either, but it's been like this for me for so long and I don't see it changing. I thought at one time it was my weight, but when I was at my thinnest this time last year it was worse if anything, not better.

More than anything I just want to think that one day there might be one man who actually cared even the tiniest bit about me, but it seems unlikely. There's no point in me saying I won't accept crumbs, when the truth is I don't even get them.

ah, juliette, are you me!!!!!!!!

thats exactly my situation, added to the fact i moved here and only knew family. So started from scratch. My time is spent racing too work, racing from work to pick the child up. No time for nattering, no time for after work drinks ( not that anyone at my las job did that anyway, as they all had families to get home to). Then i have dog to walk, housework, errands, homework, being a mum, dinner, bath, bed by 7pm and then im trapped in. And repeat the next day.
Its how it is for most people with young families, except im/ we are doing it on our own and would like to meet someone too.... odds are stacked againist us i feel.

I have also found a general reluctance from people to go out, they just dont want to, or see the need to. So socialsing tends to circle around peoples houses or actual activities ( such as a comedy gig or whatever) where we are they for that activity and then go home ( because of babysitters)
its bloody hard, ive managed to get ONE person to come to ' the pub' with me once in 4 years. Any other pub visit by me as been as a date. Thats a little embarassing to admit, but its true.
I swear its my problem, and im convinced if i went out a bit more like that id meet someone... its just getting out thats the hurdle. and no, im not going to the pub on my own ;)

Juliette - in this neck of the woods the almost exclusively male preserves are: badminton, sailing, archery, cycling, squash. That's before the obvious or really boring ones like clay pigeon shooting, boxing, snooker, chess, football, rugby and cricket etc.

Voice I went clay shooting in the summer. There was about four women to forty men. I had a great laugh. I think I was the entertainment. I was crap

velvet, but you do. You just arent seeing that. Space twat still wants to see you....
he hasnt dumped you. YOU wont see him again as hes a lying knob face.
Thats YOU rejecting HIM.
Im sure you get messages from men on pof or whatever site you are on... and dont reply, because they are losers.
Again, YOU rejecting THEM.

You could have crumbs if you wanted them....

but you dont.

I cant see it changing for me either, like i said last night, i cant even remember how i was married, i literally cant think what it was like and how i lived with somoene etc... it feels so alien to me now. I Just do everything, on my own, all the time. i dont expect it to change.

I dont know what im trying to say, only that i understand........

Velvet - Sympathies. Been well over a year since one of my two dates in the last 3 years and no sign of anything on the horizon. Except possibly from the woman who looks like a horse and like you and Watch I feel like this is it and would settle for a nice long cuddle on the sofa from somewho who actually cared and made you feel wanted.

Oh look, it's the usual New Year Self-Pity Party! I think we're entitled!

I've found becoming single (last year) to be incredibly isolating. I had a pub quiz team, all other dads with young kids, all still married, and noticed a dramatic drop off in regularity when I split from my ex. Not sure how much that's the singleton lurgey that marrieds tend to feel towards people who've split, that's definitely present. That's not exactly the best place to meet women but at least it gets me out of the house. Other than that there's socialising with another couple of single dads I know, and dating. I know I need to start taking basketweaving courses, or whatever, but I really don't have any interest. I spent a lot of time catching up with old friends around the country but again they're pretty much all married and in their little social cliques.

My new job is going to have me spending half my life abroad, and when I'm back I'm going to be focusing on having my DC with me, so little to no chance of seeing anyone then. I should probably cancel the dates I've got at the moment as only being able to promise a couple of times a month to see someone isn't really fair. But I like meeting people..

velvet - just to add to the comments - you are rejecting spacetwunt because he is being an arse. He doesn't understand the phrase 'better a bird in the hand' - he's scoping out the sweet trolley, rubbing his hands with glee, putting you off for not a better but a different option while keeping you on the backburner. And he's going to end up with nothing because of his behaviour. You're rejecting him and his pathetic crumbs because he doesn't know something good when it's in front of him.

Voice - are you not tempted to meet her just so you can ask 'why the long face?'

Bant - yes, some of my friends suggested one or two courses (not basketweaving, to be fair) but they were things I have no interest at all and it just seems so fake because you're using that solely in the possible hope of meeting someone and preferably in the romantic line rather than friends (got more than enough of those, don't see some of them anywhere near often enough). If you're not enjoying something, you're not going to come off at your best or confident and therefore not give out the right vibe. I found that when I tried salsa dancing - really not my thing and it showed. I can see where you're coming from, but perhaps as long as your open and honest about your limited time availability they may not have a problem with it - you may find a woman who has similarly busy work life and that would suit her perfectly.

Bant - wasn't that the old Celine Dion joke?

I agree with Voice I wouldnt have a problem with a twice a month thing, I have a once every 2 months 'thing' with somone who spends alot of time out of the country for work (at least thats what he tells me :o )

I have four long faces of my own In all honesty I know a huge variety of people through horse ownership, all ages, class etc. Mainly all female, but does mean I have a largish pool of friends to go out with.

evening courses.... its the old line trotted ( horse pun!) out by well meaning people that have been married for years.

I cant get out to an evening course...most single parents cant.
then theres the issue of find one you want to do... and then of it having anone in it whos decent.

bant - the single lurgy is alive and well..... you wouldnt believe the comments ive had made to my face :(
I do look younger than i am, by 6-8 years, People know the age of my DD, and make assumptions. And then avoid me.

OR, ive been told that they arent like me and need to have a ' family type set up' quite what that means i dont know... but i dont see it as any type of compliment.

I try to think i divorced young and at somepoint ill catch the next wave of divorcees....... :)

You're all so nice. I thought you'd all tell me (metaphorically) to give myself a kick up the backside and get on with my life.

Thanks for not doing so, I don't do well with the tough love approach :)

Bant you've reminded me that I love and am bloody good at pub quizzes. Hardly any pubs round here seems to run quizzes let alone have their own teams.

I could join my friend's pub darts team however they are all pensioners. Lovely, but too old.

It's rubbish, why couldn't ST have just turned out to be a nice bloke? Or stopped looking at the sweet trolley long enough to realise how great I am...

See, that's the problem with OD. As I've mentioned before, it's not designed to get people together into happy LTR, it's designed to make money for the people that run it. So when you mail someone repeatedly, set up a date with them, it's still sending you through pictures of matches.

On Match.com, when you email someone, it automatically shows you pictures of people similar to them - so you're instantly encouraged to 'cheat' on the person you just contacted. Now I know it's a case of not putting all your eggs in one basket etc, but the system encourages you to play the field and starts showing you the sweet trolley.

So, I got stood up yesterday, quite disheartening. I'm still waiting to hear back from Miss Guinness about a second date, she said it would be difficult to do another date this evening due to work. I can either hang around hopefully waiting for one, twiddling my thumbs, or get back on the horse (sorry voice) and contact other people. So I contacted Miss Feisty, and we've got a date for Thursday. I don't know if she's going to show due to her horror at the thought of OD, so I'll take a book just in case. Also I mailed someone attractive who winked at me, and then someone else who winked at me - both local, both seem intelligent and good looking, exchanged numbers with one so we can talk for a bit)

So, now I'm in a situation where theoretically ShoeGirl could come back all apologetic and want to rearrange, Miss Guinness could offer a date for date 2, Miss Feisty shows up and we get on, and the other two (Miss Welsh and Miss Cautious) work out too. This is a case of me not sitting around mooning and waiting for something which may not happen, but trying to be proactive. If all of these turn into dates, then I have no idea what to do apart from try to respectfully decline some of them, and hope I'm declining the right ones.

It's the New Year surge, and I'm hoping one of them will work out, and also that I don't end up upsetting any of the others.

I'm thinking of texting ShoeGirl though and just asking out of interest if she saw me in the car park and got scared off. I don't expect an honest response though.

because hes a knobber.

hes not who you thought nor wanted him to be.

Thats the reason why, nothing to do with you at all.

its why i came back to post. because its poo. And its not you, or nothing you have said or done, and i really felt like i needed to stand up and say that, for you and anyone else to hear. For ME to hear. because its the same for me too.

They are just dickheads velvet, they really are. Its the reason you havent met anyone, because they are cocks and behave appallingly.

And its the reason people give out shite dating advice, because either they dont know what its like out there now, or its easier to blame the woman for doing sometihng wrong ( because then, it could never happen to them, because they would do it ' right')

Im good at pub quizzes, and am uber competative..... i just dont have anyone to go to one with.

but bant, you wouldnt do what space twat did, would you.

And thats the difference.

Its not multi dating thats the issue, though i do agree the very nature of OD doesnt really lend itself to LTR. Its the behaving like a twat about the whole thing and treating people badly thats the issue.

You cant put all your eggs in one basket, thats agiven. But you can treat pepole with a bit of respect, and thats the issue i think.

The thing that really gets me about OD is the general lack of manners. I mean I have never met a man in RL who halfway through a conversation has asked me to describe 'giving head'. It just doesn't happen.

bant, dont text shoe girl.....

if that was what happened, and you dont know it was, then she probably feels awful.

Ive had a few dates where i wished i had done that instead ( one, namely a hunchback, which i had erased from my mind until just now). But my morals wouldnt let me.

Just leave it and accept its par of the course of online dating, and not the worst that can happen :)
You have had a run of good luck with it so far, so a few bumps arent so bad.

48 - no , it doesnt, does it.

Fucks me off too.

on the plus side it marks them as being tossers and out for one thing, so, knowing that, you can quite easily choose what you want to do.

I'd do what ST did in terms of having several possible dates on the go at once - as I said, it's the eggs in the basket thing. But not in terms of canceling and lying about it. Once I've set a date up, then unless it's a real emergency or I'm too sick to walk, I go to the date.

If I cancel, for whatever reason, I have to do it with the expectation that I don't get another chance. I did cancel a first date a couple of months ago and honestly said I'd met someone I'd liked and needed to see if that was going to work out or not. The cancelee was gracious about it, and I even thought about asking her again when it didn't work out, but thought that was a bit crass and wouldn't go well.

Stringing someone along, trying to juggle several possibilities at one time and then sending messages about how poorly and lonely I'm feeling to make sure they're waiting for my next offer of a date, that's just shit behaviour.