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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The all new, sparkly,2013 Dating Thread - 35!

999 replies

watchoutforthatsnail · 06/01/2013 21:01

off you go.

OP posts:

lubeybooby · 08/01/2013 22:12

I don't know OWW. I never worry about things that might not happen, it's pointless - and besides, would you rather not be with him, not have known or met him, or end things now to save fucking it up?

Of course not.

You're in this now, he loves you and that's all there is to it. There's no point in worrying, it doesn't stop anything crap happening and just stresses you out. So do away with the stress and enjoy the nice things! When you find yourself worrying, just mentally tell the worry to fuck off and smile instead about something nice he has said or done.

Scrazy · 08/01/2013 22:12

Oh 2 rollercoasters, lucky me .

48howdidthathappen · 08/01/2013 22:15

Nomore Hope you get a reply

MirandaWest · 08/01/2013 22:16

OWW both Mr Nice and I have times where we both get daft about worrying about how what either of us might do to fuck things up. Usually we do it at different times and we do manage to talk to each other about it (while feeling daft). He was very worried about meeting my children and doing something that would mean I wouldn't want to see him again (nothing like that happened although the main thing they think about him is that he burned some rice ).

I have times when I feel that I have no idea why he loves me but the rational part of me knows he does . But I wasn't in an abusive relationship before and I still get that way so I think it is entirely normal for you to IYSWIM.

OhWesternWind · 08/01/2013 22:17

That's a very brave thing to do Scrazy. Hope it works out for you.

Sorry, bad night tonight. Will be better tomorrow. I actually felt good about things up until earlier today so I need to get back on an even keel.

Scrazy · 08/01/2013 22:19

Gawd, was chatting earlier to the only potential on POF and he asked me a question, I answered with a question at the end, then nada, he's been back online and not responded. Weird or what? At least it passed a bit of time .

grinchie · 08/01/2013 22:19

nomore you're damn sure I did
I've said this before (so apologies for the repetition) but I was just nosing around on Match, no proper profile, no photo or anything. Looked at dozens of profiles, saw one I liked sent him a message saying 'fancy a drink?' that was 3 months ago and here we are.

I didn't go out with anyone else, didn't message anyone else on Match (except one bloke I went to school with just to say 'hello, how are you? Good luck.)

When I was looking around I was ruthless, but it paid off.

Nomorepain · 08/01/2013 22:22

He text back!!! Which is brill but I don't want to constantly driving it!! He said his work is poo at the mo so think it may be getting him down!!!

OhWesternWind · 08/01/2013 22:22

Thanks Miranda it is reassuring to know its not just me! It's such a frustrating thing to do, I know what I'm doing but can't help it. I am going to try to do like Lubey says and not give the worries any headspace.

Maybe we worry about mucking it up because it's important.

ike1 · 08/01/2013 22:26

That may be it then No More...I am a bit thick skinned about that sort of thing and will do a certain amount of first texting etc...unless it becomes obvs that the other person really is not responding.

48howdidthathappen · 08/01/2013 22:27

Lubey Is right though worrying wont make any difference. Just make you unhappy.

JulietteMontague · 08/01/2013 22:27

Western I would sort out the communication thing and opening up between you and him before doing much more with DC. There is plenty of time for that and tbh, if you are still finding it difficult to open up and have self doubts putting DC into the mix will just up the stakes. I know they all got on well but you only need a fall out between them or a difference in parenting style for and things to get genuinely fraught. If you don't feel able to invite him to Legoland, how would you deal with that?

Get to know each other first, and take those small steps to build you as a couple and your own confidence. I know it must feel wonderful to be part of a couple with all the DC again and re-create the family thing but tbh if you are not able to be open with each other, it is too soon to do it.

How about having you own thread in Relationships?

grinchie · 08/01/2013 22:30

I'd been married for 15 years so didn't know that asking a man out outright is not the way.
I've broken loads of 'the rules' on here because I didn't know the form but even if it doesn't work out in the longer term (although he's reading this over my shoulder saying 'it will'!) I consider it a success because: a) We got beyond the first few dates and b) The last person I slept with is not my STBXH c) I'm happy.

JulietteMontague · 08/01/2013 22:32

The own thread in Relationships sounds a bit patronising, I meant it could give you a way of working stuff out for you away from the dating side of it which is complicated enough

Nomorepain · 08/01/2013 22:35

grinchie - you are an inspiration! Hope I get some of your luck!!

I think I am just massively ungrateful. Had lovely couple of days at work, my kids are happy, nanny is brilliant, got lovely shiny new car today, I have lost approx 3 stone recently, got loads of compliments from people so why am I fretting over men that I don't even know rejecting me on Internet?!? Stupid but just upsets me!!

OhWesternWind · 08/01/2013 22:40

The Legoland thing is stupid. I will ask. It actually helps to write it down as I can see how stupid it is.

The whole thing about feeling like this is also stupid. I think I am so conditioned to expect rejection and unpleasant behaviour that it's become a bit of an automatic thought pattern.

But, you know what, LM isn't my ex. He hasn't shown any behaviour that reminds me of my ex. Therefore I shouldn't react to him like he is my ex, because that is patently a mistaken reaction. He's not out to make me look foolish or unreasonable or to make me unhappy. He doesn't want to have power and control over me. He is an entirely different person, one who is kind and treats me well and loves me, and that's what I need to remember and respond to.

That sounds very obvious but has actually been a bit of a lightbulb moment for me.

lubeybooby · 08/01/2013 22:53

There you go, OWW.. that's what I meant by 'he loves you' and he is LM after all, so that makes it all a very nice and lovely thing.

Not a thing where some bastard is out to belittle, upset, abuse, etc etc.

Nomore it might help you to think of it as a numbers game - every no, every rejection, every dud and non starter gets you closer to a goodun. I used to work in sales where for every 20 or so awkward and crappy timewasting customers there would be one or two excellent ones who would buy loads and make life easy. We were taught to take the rough on the chin and as part of the job and to disregard them somewhat, they didn't matter because it got us closer to the great ones who actually wanted to buy and not just piss about asking awkward questions.

Bant · 08/01/2013 22:53

I just.. don't like it.. when they call me 'hun'.

Some girl messaged me. My age, lives not too far, quite good looking (although only one photo) - interesting profile. She winked, I mailed back, she responds with one line messages, then IMs me.

I hate IM. I don't know a single time I've IMd with anyone and we've ended up meeting. No, one time out of, what a couple of hundred people I've interacted with online. And she keeps calling me 'hun' in emails and IMs, and then she just logs off. Logs back in again, says 'hi hun' again, and logs off. Sod her.

Bant · 08/01/2013 22:57

and OWW, you're right, he's a completely different person. So many of us on here have issues with our exes that it's fucked up our perspective on new people a bit. You just have to try and approach it as the new you, who's more confident and happy, partly because he makes you that way but also because that's who you are now.

Doubting and worrying doesn't help anything

ike1 · 08/01/2013 22:58

Bant, careful you are beginning to sound bitter! You will be one of those blokes ranting in their profiles about plenty of trout if you dont watch it!

ike1 · 08/01/2013 23:01

You're on Match tho arent you...you could do a flounce profile....i love those ones. I love IM I like the fast pace and with the right partner you can chat shit for hours...

ike1 · 08/01/2013 23:05

Mindy you she sound like Mr Hun who I used to chat to on POF. Literally ' Hi Hunxxxwot u up 2 Hun???xxx Same syntax for every body line

ike1 · 08/01/2013 23:06

Thats Mind and bloody btw.

lubeybooby · 08/01/2013 23:06

I hate IM

I don't like things that command instant attention and concentration. I prefer an email that I can reply to in my own time.

I don't use msn anymore, rarely skype (only when i know i have the time and inclination and it's a friend or someone I know/can be arsed with) I always have fb chat turned off and the first thing I did when I created my PoF smash and grab profile was go into mail settings and turn off IM. I never had it going on okcupid either back when i was on there.

OhWesternWind · 08/01/2013 23:06

Nomore sounds like life is good. OD is just a numbers game like Lubey says, apart from Grinchie of course! I have no idea how many men I chatted to but it was a huge amount. They come and go. I think having several irons in the fire at least at the chatting stage is the way to go, then there's always a fall back if someone disappears. And the disappearers disappear for many reasons, so it could be anything from a sick hamster to he's met someone else.

Thanks Lubey and Juliette. Repeat fifty times LM is not Titto,LM is not Titto ... Amazed that by doing some thinking tonight, writing in my notebook and posting on here I've managed to finally grasp hold of something so blindingly obvious but which, although I knew it rationally, had eluded me at a deeper level for some time. It sounds so silly because to most people it would be a non-issue but for me it's really important. I have been waiting for his Titto-ness to manifest itself, and that's not going to happen. Amazing.

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