Support thread for those going through divorce..?

[ChangeAfoot]

It looks as though H and I are going to get divorced, have first appointments with lawyers booked over the next few days. I'm feeling horribly erratic - it was his decision but we've been miserable for ages and he's very difficult to live with. There's also been an affair (his), and his non-stop complaints and criticism, and in recent months his unemployment, to wear us down.

I was wondering if there was already a support thread for those going through these trials, because I'm so up and down and absolutely gutted about the end of "the dream" (albeit a shit one where you wake up in a cold sweat ) and worrying about what lies ahead - social pariah-hood and destitution, if my worst fears were ever to be realised. I'm so tearful a lot of the time, although am already having flashes of feeling lighter and wondering whether I'll look back and thank my lucky stars.

If there isn't already a thread, and anyone else in a similar position fancies venting with me, then be my guest

Hi all I can t be arsed to name change so am probably outing myself in real life.
My soon to be stbxh decided in May that he hated his job,hated his life etc and we decided to separate.Simultaniously he gave up his job(well paying) Decided to join an agency instead.He did nt work till the end of September hardly bothered doing much really.I worked full time took children to child care plus worked a second job to keep our home.House went on the market and sold very quickly he finally motivated himself to find somewhere else to live.We were going to pay off substantial debts and both move into rental.Anyway house sale fell through and I decided to stay in the house with our three smallish children.Through help from my fab family and flipping hard work I've managed to hold it all together.Ive kept the morgage and all the debts.Iwill be paying them off for the next 15 years I had to change my job taking pay drop for a training year to cope as stbexh said he may go home and live with his mum in Wales.We are in south west.I used to work shifts.So currently I work full time go to uni one day a week and work extra when the children are at their dads.What really pisses me off is his midlife crisis is due to his TWENTY year old girl friend he's forty three and in no way youthfull Ifeel such a mug working like a dog while he was shagging her in my house while I was working overtime.Anyway I ve managed to get barely two hundred quid child support out of him since he left there's always a sob story as to why he can t pay.Im so conditioned to trying to make him happy so he does nt make an atmosphere that I always just let him off,It's hard to change 18 years of behaviour though.I really need to crack on and divorce him but I just can t find the motivation.
Line up ladies to give me a solid kick up the bum.

sandiy my jaw is on the floor. That saysI all. Without a doubt get yourself to a solicitor and get the divorce started. Is he working now?

I'm having a tough few days. Both children really sick with flu. Eldest not been in school since Thurs. Then it snowed. Couldn't get out yesterday. Thank god for amazing friends. One delivered me emergency Calpol late last night because I ran out, both dc had temperatures of almost 40. She parked at the end of my road and hiked down to me. So grateful to her. Its at times like that you feel it being on your own as what could I do?! I couldn't bundle both children into the car, then into shop etc etc. Both were ill and it was snowing!! Then another friend bought me bread and milk this morning as both kids still sick....

So lessons learnt are : always have spare bread and milk in the freezer and more importantly always have 2 bottles of Calpol in the cupboard !

Sorry you are having a crap few days she and hope that your DC's get well soon. It's bad enough when they are ill anyway, but when you're alone and housebound also because of this weather it makes everything seem 10 x worse.

I've got a rotten cold at the moment and feel terrible but have been stuck indoors with DS all weekend and today as school was closed. It is very easy to become depressed quite quickly. DS isn't much of an outdoor child and despite me spending half hour dressing him up like he was about to spend a day on the ski slopes, he only managed 10 mins outside making a snow pile whilst I tred to clear the path to get the bins out in the morning.

Will most certainly take your advice and get an emergency kit together from now on!

Hi sandiy it sounds as though you really do need a solicitor. I know how you feel about not having the motivation though. It's an awful process and is expensive, no wonder you've been putting it off.

Sandiy, you have my admiration. You sound amazing.

It sounds like you should see a solicitor asap but I can thoroughly understand why you havent. It all takes up so much time as well as money. It is exhausting after a day at work to come home to what I have termed "solicitor crap" (even though my solicitor is great.) Faffing about doing all the paperwork takes forever not to mention the hassle that ensues and the anger that you can feel at times.

It must be in your best interests to get this difficult ball rolling so go for it. Its painful but it will be worth it and as everyone keeps saying to me, one day it will be done!

The sorting of money/houses/DC/divorce etc etc is the hardest part, finding yourself locked in negociation with someone who was your husband and loved one and who is now an adversary is dreadful

When its all going on in tandem with trying to find your way through each day living with feeling broken hearted at how everything has turned out its even worse

Truly though it does end and get easier with time

Being left with the DC ? Well would you want to be in their shoes ? Believe me they reap what they sow with that one

That's my consolation at the moment 'Coming' That he is the one distancing himself from the kids ( he has his own business) so could live anywhere , works from home. But chooses to go and live in the back of beyond 150 miles away. Not sure if there is an ulterior motive (ie; OW has got a job there) but am just waiting to find out why someone who claims to want to be an 'active' father moves an hour and a half away so he can only manage every other weekend ( unless he doesn't want all the family's disapproval) My eldest is 14 and a smart cookie and doesn't miss anything, she will see through him and he will be the one to suffer. But that makes me sad for her too, that at the moment she thinks he is a good guy and I am certain she too will discover that he only does things if it suits him.
I am really close to his parents who have been really great and supportive to me and the kids (Well after 18 years married to him they are like parents to me) and they are horrified at his behaviour and wish to move halfway across the country. He is also a 'Mid Life Crisiser ' and his new Asian girlfriend is only 30, now what would a young attractive Asian female want in a 45 yo bald businessman.... OH YES!!!!
He didn't even tell them I filed for divorce and he was living in their house till last weekend, his mum told him I told her.

My XH was going to move from North Devon to Wales "as that is where all the work is"..... it is also where OW's family live.....

never mind that he would have definitely then only seen his 4yo DD every fourteen days, and she would spend half her weekend in a van travelling with him......

walked out with no warning, OW is still with her H, his best mate, she is 31, XH is 48... Mid Life Crisis much ??!! Followed the script to a T..

I have recently divorced, so if you need any advice/help, just ask....

For me it's the children that suffer, XH has only seen them 3 times since we split in July, he claims it's cost. To visit last weekend would have cost him £11 each way on Ryanair and £35 for the hotel overnight. He said he couldn't afford it but for the very same night he paid nearly £150 for him and OW to go to a gig in London and stay in a swanky hotel. He's a lying hypocrite and makes my blood boil. My youngest DC is only 8 but he has the measure of his dad already. I'm convinced that by May this year he will completely drop our DCs, I can see on FB that he is being a father to OW's DCs, playing in the snow with them etc, he never did that our with our DCs, always too tired. He takes her DCs out for days and treats to Pizza Express and Kentucky. One of his contact visits with our DCs was sitting in a car park in town watching DVDs in the car and eating supermarket sandwiches. Double standards or what. He's not badly paid, he makes more than double what I earn every month, but at the moment is spending all his money plus wracking up the credit cards on good times with the OW.

Alexrider I empathise with you. MY H is the same in 5 years we never had holidays together as he was building up the business and couldn't afford the time ( or money) now he went off with her to hotel to meet in 'the middle'in Europe( flights/hotels/ fancy resturants Im sure) and is going to her country at Half term ( for Valentines awww how sweet) or at least he was till I reminded him because he didn't ask when half term was, he had the kids on V day!! oops he had to change his plans there, shame!!!
I hate the hypocrisy if it all and TBH I hope he goes to live with her as then we will only have to see him rarely.( summer hols probably)
Mine cashed in his pension lump sum ( supposedly to 'help me and the kids find a new place/ car etc' as we had to relocate back to the UK, but it will soon be gone. I am now trying to keep his frivolous little hands off my pension so he can't fritter that away on her, By the way; anyone got experience of that??( I have a good pension 12 years Local authority pension)can I ask him not to make any claim on it, he has taken his lump sum and I expect it is all gone now as according to kids 'Dad has all this flashy new stuff in his new house' I suspect it was a cynical move to avoid having to share it in divorce although originally he said ( and I have in an email) that he planned to give me half.He has so far given me half of what he said he would. ( I invested a lot into his business over the years and all the proceeds of our house sale went into it too when we relocated so we have no other real assets!!)
Keep smilling girls, we will get there in the end, I am feeling a little better today and I am sure as each day passes it will get easier.xx

By the way, how are you She are the kids better and back to school? Such a depressing time of year at the best of times. Yesterday was 'Blue Monday' I am christening today 'Pink Tuesday'

I really feel for you alex and raen , all those in fact whose ex's have got ow and then moreorless abandon their children. Words fail me. They are shits but then you know that already!

raenbow I can't advise on the pension situation at all other than get yourself a solicitor if you don't already have one! Just read back and seen you do have one. What did she say about the Pension? I know that I am entitled to part of my ex's even though we had only been married for a short time (7 years).

Thanks for asking about the dc. It certainly has been a tough few days. My eldest went to school today but it pretty much wiped him out and he was in bed, fast asleep by 6 and my little one is still struggling. She was in bed by 6:30 so its not all bad . I have an evening to myself. About to make myself a cup of tea and might even treat to a biscuit. Go me..... so rock and roll!

I spoke to my solicitor yesterday and the initial letter outlining the financial agreement has been sent to ex today. From there we will draw up the separation agreement although having had a few days to think about it I want some clauses added to it if possible! For example he can't have 50/50 if he stops paying the mortgage for some reason in the future... not sure if I can add this but will speak with the solicitor when the agreement is drawn up. Also I want any debt he has to be taken out of his half of the profit after it has been split, not before! I am NOT paying for his gambling debts especially those he accrues after we have split up!

This is all so complicated. I'll be glad when I wake up and don't feel this huge weight of doom on my shoulders and in my stomach. Those that are coming out the otherside.... how long was it before you started to feel 'normal' again?

Good evening to you all. I am having a small low key celebration because today my Decree Nisi was pronounced in court. After 28 months apart from H I am nearly free. I am feeling very mixed about it as we were together 28 years and he isn't a bad person just a rather selfish one. It was my decision to leave him in our family home and move out. So I am grieving a bit tonight for my lovely house and my family I left behind (older DCs)
Now just a nervewracking mediation meeting with the solicitors for the consent order, and we can sign it off.
Because my H always knows more than everybody else he didn't want to use solicitors. When I got one he was indignant. Then he got the senior partner in a big divorce factory. But funnily enough he isnt satisfied, the secretary keeps going off sick and the solicitor is too slow for him! But mine is lovely and supportive and makes me laugh. Money well spent dealing with a man who is always right! Luckily he wants it over and wants to be the best behaved divorcer ever. I think he would like a medal for it.
I feel normal but just a little wobbly tonight. Time for a

lemon great news

Thanks puss

Lovely glass of champagne and snow is falling outside. It's a beautiful world

Well done Lemon, having a virtual toast to you (I'm off wine as I drank WAY too much Saturday night for 1st time since the split and may never touch it again!!)
My H said today he doesn't want to use a solicitor ( same reason as yours I suspect) he will I'm sure. He is also trying to be Mr Reasonable as he keeps telling me, I tell him Mr Reasonable is just another way of saying Passive Aggressive!!

She glad harmony has resumed in your house (phew) it's awful when the kids ( or you) are sick make you feel even more lonely.
I do have a solicitor but only had 1 brief initial meeting (20 mins) last week and so much to do not much time to go into details, though I did mention my pension.
H coming over tomorrow to get the last few of his things. I had been storing all his half of the house in my garage until I found out about OW and told him if he didn't come and get it by the 18th it would be removed and 'recycled'. He did remove most but couldn't fit it on the van so wish me luck tomorrow could be a toughie.
The sun shone today, and despite my 'words' with H I also felt much brighter today.

Evening ladies. I hope you are all well :)

Congrats lemon I hope you get everything signed off. Glad to hear the kids are better she My dd has been off today with a horrible snotty chest cold.

My stbxh is ramping up the pressure to give him a yet another chance. He was literally begging for me to take him back. Pleading on his knees crawling across the floor! He could have got an Oscar for his performance. After about 20 mins of this I said to him if you respect my space then leave me alone! I crumpled into a mess after he went upstairs to sulk. He said we will continue this conversation tomorrow :s

I am not totally unsympathetic, but after 10 years of him making me feel like crap and finally waking up that he will never change or accept professional help, my patience is thin.

It has left me shaken! He has come home in a vile mood so will hide tonight!

Phoning the solicitor in the morning as home life is becoming a little too interesting!

Hello everyone. I've been a bit quiet these past few days - it's been another rollercoaster since I last posted.

Dillie - that sounds excruciating for you, no wonder you were shaken afterwards. I am actually in a similar situation in that H is now saying he is interested in possible reconciliation, but we too have been together 10 years and it feels like 10 years of living with his near-constant misery. He too has started to make promises to change, my head is totally fucked with it all - I have no idea what to make of it. I am tending towards thinking that it's all just too too damaged. Fucking nightmare, I am bloody dreadful at 'ending' things myself, and now for him to do a volte-face puts the ball firmly in my court. Will be back to write more soon, for now just wanted to update, but I am seriously all over the place.

change and dillie , hope you are both OK. I can't imagine how hard it must be to have to make that decision yourself whether or not to split.

change , what do you feel in your heart? Do you think you and your husband have any chance of sorting out your problems and making a go of it? My worry would be that you decide to try and then only end up in the same place in a years time, when you could be a year down the road of healing iykwim? But if you feel in your heart that you do stand a chance of it working out then you have to give it a go or you will probably always wonder 'what if'. Another worry for me would be 'he has started to make promises to change'... Do you think he can change? Has he tried before? Are the things that don't work for you even changeable or just part of his character? I personally think that behaviours can be changed but core parts of peoples character can never really change because essentially that is the 'core' of a person.

Similar for you really dille , although it sounds like you are determined that this time it is it.

No news here of such. Ex got my solicitors letter and text back that it was 'pretty much' what we had agreed. I am intrigued by what he means 'pretty much', because it was EXACTLY as we had agreed so will wait for his response to see what he has to counter. Given my solicitor thinks he is getting off lightly and getting a good deal, I don't rate his chances much in negotiating much!

Thanks She70. I feel bad for being so rabbit-in-headlights about my own situation that I'm finding it hard to see beyond my own issues to support others - hence I appreciate you taking the time to think about me.. :)

We've started to talk about having a 'controlled separation' which would involve him moving out. Other than that I imagine it means living apart, and not being a couple, but perhaps having a counselling session each week and at the end of a fixed time period making a call on whether or not there's anything to salvage. Last night he emailed his lawyer () to see what he/she thought about it. Rightly or wrongly, all his bad behaviour is caused (in his eyes) by what he sees as my constant rejection of him because I don't want to have sex with him. Whereas in my mind his bad behaviour is so constant barely a day goes by where I find myself wanting to do any such thing. (It's obviously more complex than that but...) If we're honest I think we both know it's pretty unfixable, but I for one am struggling to go straight to divorce without having tried a separation first.

(Having said that I have also just realised that unless I were to petition for divorce PDQ, I won't be able to claim legal aid... :( )

I am a mess about it. On the one hand I think 'ooh, if we separated first, amicably, then maybe if we got divorced we'd get away from the animosity'; on the other hand maybe I'm just prolonging the inevitable. Whatever, we have a session with a mediator booked on Wednesday.

Sigh. Really am struggling.

Hey.... Can I join you?

So been with dh for 15 years and married for five. Have three young dcs. Marriage went downhill in the birth of dc3. When she was involved in a serious accident 18m ago, it was an inevitable split. We agreed to separate in September. It's been a long long 4 months. On the face of it reasonably amicable but underneath a very tense time.

He moves out Friday. I've been looking forward to it but still sad to be surrounded by boxes. I am staying in the house for a couple of years but have to take in two lodgers to cover the mortgage and will eventually have to sell to pay him equity owed. I work full time and feel terrified of the future.

That's it really sad to end up here. We've always got on well but the passion went. I just stopped loving him in the right way. Turned forty and realised I wanted morenformthe next forty years. He's not a bastard or anything and he's a good dad. The feeling is mutual, he's also unhappy. Here's to the future!

Hi all, Just checking in to see how things are with you all?

discretion it sounds like you have an amicable situation on your hands. You are very lucky, for want of a better word! Seems an amicable divorce is not possible for so many people. Has he moved out yet or is that this Friday?

change I think a separation is good to do if its possible. You can see that way how you both feel without going the whole way and getting divorce. You may find that you miss each other terribly and want to try to work things out. Good luck for the mediation. I hope its is productive for you.

I've had a weekend of stress and trauma. I wasn't 100% happy with the separation agreement and wanted a clause added to safeguard me if the house gets sold in the next x number of years. Ex went MAD. He was truly vile. Literally using horrible bullying tactics to try and get me to retract etc etc. Amazingly (for me) I managed to stay very very calm and just kept repeating that I would not be bullied into doing what he wanted, I had mine and the childrens best interests at heart, and forgive me for not giving a flying fuck about where he was supposed to live! He put us in the situation with his gambling (which incidentally he is trying to force onto me by getting his gambling debts written into our separation agreement as 'marital liabilities' so I have to pay half! You couldn't make it up). He is also refusing to get any legal advise. He claims my solicitor is only telling me what I want to hear and that he (my ex) knows the law better than anyone else and I am talking bollocks!

Sigh..... it was hard going. But I spoke to my solicitor this morning who agreed that the proposal I came up with was perfectly fair, any court/judge/solicitor would agree so my ex was being a twat for not jumping at it. So with this in mind, I composed a calm, business-like email with the proposal in it also detailing the benefits to him if he agreed. Guess what?? He AGREED to it, with no negotiation at all. Stunned doesn't come close to how I felt when I got his reply. After the fuss he made on Saturday I expected to have to fight for so much longer and harder but he just accepted it. I am guessing that he did a bit of research after he left on Sat and realised that in fact I wasn't talking bollocks but was talking legal fact and he could end up losing a hell of a lot more if he decided to fight.

So looks like I may have a better agreement and one that means I can sell our home and buy something for me and the children and be mortgage-free which is what I was trying to achieve. Fingers crossed!

She - that sounds as though it was a slog but potentially worth it! Also sounds like he was advised that it WAS fair - that he should sign it, and forget the histrionics.

All okay here (sort of). We are pretty decided on separation, if not divorce. It's starting to feel overwhelmingly sad, even if it is the right decision. We went to the counselling again last night - I don't think it's helping and we'll probably stop it now - and both of us were pretty glum afterwards. I then woke up this morning to find that he'd packed up and gone away for a couple of days, before we all woke up. He sent me a few very amicable, reasonable texts about what he'd done and why, including details as to when he'd be back (Friday or Sat morning) and that I should do the same next week if I want the space. Not sure I do or need it, but will see how I feel. He has also made some reassuring noises about wanting everything to be fair, that it's important that we both feel happy and as though we haven't been dicked over, etc etc. It's all early days however, not counting my chickens yet.

I have the Divorce Support Group event on Saturday, so I'm looking forward to that. Well, as much as you can be to something of that nature Also the DC are in nursery today and Friday so at least I'll have a bit of time and space to myself, something which has been very lacking while we're all under the same roof....

Hope everyone else is doing okay...

Yes change it was tough going but hopefully the agreement will get signed and we can move onwards. I've started to look at houses I potentially could afford. Sometimes I can even do it without crying!

Not sure if it helps anyone but I spoke to my building society this morning and it is possible to get a mortgage using your maintenance payment, your tax credits and your child benefit as income! Apparently you total the 3, and then take 60% of that amount to give your yearly income that they will give a mortgage based on. I am hoping not to need a mortgage but its good to know that if I need a small amount, then potentially I could top it up. This is in the event that I don't have a job of course, which I am hoping against hope that I will have!

It is all so heartbreakingly sad. I am now 2 months down the road since my husband left and I can honestly say that sometimes the sadness literally takes my breath. The children keep you going of course and I've found it helps immensely to have a practical thing to sort out, be it finances, sorting my CV, finding out about mortgages etc. It just gives me something else to focus on and before I know it another day has passed, its time for bed and I wake up knowing that I'm another day closer to feeling ok. Its no way to live but as they say, this will pass !

I'm also doing a dressmaking course evening course (my mum babysits) and I've found this is so therapeutic. I get to learn something useful and socialise with people who don't know me from Adam so I am there in my own right - not poor old xxxx, whose marriage has just broken up! Every little thing helps!