Support thread for those going through divorce..?

[ChangeAfoot]

It looks as though H and I are going to get divorced, have first appointments with lawyers booked over the next few days. I'm feeling horribly erratic - it was his decision but we've been miserable for ages and he's very difficult to live with. There's also been an affair (his), and his non-stop complaints and criticism, and in recent months his unemployment, to wear us down.

I was wondering if there was already a support thread for those going through these trials, because I'm so up and down and absolutely gutted about the end of "the dream" (albeit a shit one where you wake up in a cold sweat ) and worrying about what lies ahead - social pariah-hood and destitution, if my worst fears were ever to be realised. I'm so tearful a lot of the time, although am already having flashes of feeling lighter and wondering whether I'll look back and thank my lucky stars.

If there isn't already a thread, and anyone else in a similar position fancies venting with me, then be my guest

[ChangeAfoot]

I don't know if anyone else is interested btw, but I have just signed up for Divorce Support Group, which I found on wikivorce. They run either group therapy sessions nationwide, or workshops to help support people going through this hideous process. I am in dire need of some sort of help, I feel either monumentally depressed or like a snivelling desperate wreck. Details here - the one day workshop is £65 and I am hoping it's worth it.

Dillie - sorry to hear that you're having to consider moving out. I have to say this process so far is much like our relationship in general - he has flashes of being nice and wonders why I don't immediately turn into a gushing, loved-up wife... when the other 90% of the time I'm having to walk on eggshells around him. What a bummer too about your friend - very bad timing. XX

[wiseoldowl]

change - I strongly agree with Comingintomyown. It is draining and exhausting, especially when trying to do all the other household tasks/bring up DCs as well....but PLEASE do not give up on demanding all that you are entitled to. This is not being mercenary, this is the settlement for you and the DCs to live on,potentially for the rest of your time.
Also (& I was very slow to do this, but they have helped immensely), consider going to doctor for anti-depressants. I wanted to be strong & tough & get through it, but eventually had to admit that it was all more than I could handle...particularly when you factor in trying to put a brave face on for DC & parents.
Also keep posting, it is very cathartic to sound off /unload to people.... & although RL friends have helped,sometimes you find they get fed up/havent experienced the same thing so empathise but dont know what to say.

[She70]

Thank you comingintomyown you are right, I need to stay focused and make sure that I get the best possible deal for myself and the children. Its important to get it right!

change when I came out of the initial meeting I had with a solicitor I was gutted as it all sounded so pessimistic. I realise now that she was painting the worst possible picture for me but it did make me more determined to make sure that my ex didn't get away with his bullying and stand my ground more with him. He is one for twisting and taking what I say entirely out of context and then arguing that as FACT even though most of it, I didn't even say or it has been drastically twisted to sound nothing like I intended or what I meant. He used to do this whenever we argued when we were together until in the end I would get all confused about what we were actually arguing about. I am now refusing to engage in any conversation with him. I've told him I will only discuss things with him if we got to a mediator because with a 3rd person in the room he just cannot fabricate what I have or haven't said, or the tone which he says I say it in.

dillie so sorry to hear you are also having such a hard time. The conversation with my eldest child (5) was one of the hardest I've ever had in my life. My heart was breaking anyway and to then have to tell my dc that daddy was not going to live with us anymore was just awful and something I'd hoped never to have to do. I basically sat with him on my lap, giving him loads of cuddles and explained that daddy was going to live in a different house to us, that we both loved him and his sister loads, he would still see daddy, could speak to daddy on the phone etc etc and that was all. I had spoken to his school before I told him and asked their advise and they said to try and tell him as little as possible as he didn't need to know the details. He took it pretty well, thought about it for a few minutes then asked me if daddy was still going to be part of our family. I told him of course he was, that me, daddy and his sister were always going to be his family and that was never going to change. He didn't have any other questions so we then went out and did something fun and nice for him. I was advised to not tell him just as he was about to go bed or do something quiet so then he couldn't brood on it. I also did it with my best friend in the room who is incredibly close to my dc so that if I got upset she could take over from me. Luckily I was ok.

[ChangeAfoot]

I think I was in the worst frame of mind yesterday in that we'd just had this counselling session so I was feeling like he was the calm, collected, rational person and I was just this wounded animal lashing out. So as I drove to see her I was feeling really insecure and crap - not ideal! The absolute key thing for us is going to be for H to get a job. Sadly it's all too in his interest not to until the divorce is finalised. If I start to seriously think he's deliberately avoiding getting a job for this reason I honestly don't know how I'll continue to live in the same hemisphere house.

She - your decision to only talk in mediation sounds like a good one. Sadly your H sounds a lot like mine in that respect, twisting everything around until you don't know where you are or what you're talking about. And did yours ever say things like "well if you don't know what you've done then I'm not telling you!" - because that's useful and grown up, isn't it?

[comingintomyown]

Morning

I thought it might help to hear from someone who is at the tail end of what you guys are just beginning.

My xh left 3 years ago after 17 years together with our 2 DC 10 and 13 at the time. From him telling me he didnt love me to him leaving the house took just short of 3 months. It was at the end of the year so we elected to try and see out a last family Christmas together so had to keep everything a secret which was very stressful. In the event he got himself an OW and what had been a sad parting of the ways became even more heart breaking for me and changed the tone of our split.

In the 3 months of him still living at home though the scales began falling from my eyes and I took my head out of the sand and saw how I was really being treated and how awful our marriage had been. I felt a mixture of humiliation at how doormatty I had become and relief that he was leaving.

My main concern had been how would the DC be , I found it impossible to be reassured by anyone telling me they would be fine or how resilient DC are. His actual departure ended up me throwing him out in the night after finding an I love you text - all our careful plans laid to waste !! A scenario I would have predicted would have my DC on the floor but actually this along with everything else they took in their stride.

Right from the word go I did the things you read about on MN to try and be the best divorcing Mum I could. I let them know it wasnt them, they could talk about it anytime etc etc. Regarding contact xh wanted to ring up as and when and say Thursday and Friday are good for me and if it suited me too then he would have them. This actually epitomised his selfish me me me attitude. Anyway it was the first instance of me standing up to him and saying no he could do the Wednesday and every other weekend thing or see a solicitor. He agreed and called it my nasty little regime !!!

Anyway the next 6 months were so up and down. I was conflicted between devastation that he had gone, bitter and distressed that he was with an OW, terror at how I would manage, anger at how I had allowed myself to be treated and simple relief it was over.

I was a SAHM and when the DC were at school I set about doing everything I could to work through recovering as quickly as possible as I felt I had given sooo much of my life to him already and didnt want to waste yet more time grieving and being sad. Alas its not as easy as that and I quickly had to make peace with it taking time !

I saw a pschyotherapist for a few months who was totally invaluable but was expensive, I read various books on divorce a couple of which were very good and took all offers of support from friends and family and talked to them about everything. At one stage I had what was almost a conveyor belt of friends to lean on. I needed this especially in those early months when the DC went to stay with their Dad which I hated .

That actually was the hardest part in the be best divorcing Mum schedule asking them when they got home what they had done, where they had been etc and sounding all happy. Worse was a few months on when the OW and her family came into my DCs orbit and I had to listen cheerfully to all that - horrendous

Anyway re divorce. In our case I insisted on a Deed of Separation being in place giving me financial protection before selling our family home. We had a large house which was deemed in excess of our needs so I knew there was no way we could stay. So this Deed laid out everything which xh and I agreed between us with some input from my solicitor. After some minor hissing and spitting from us both we went 50:50 on absolutely everything so it was quite straightforward. So in effect we decided what we would do and had it turned into a legal agreement which made it all fairly stress free.

I would say though there were bits and pieces of money which I quietly fought for eg valuations on my jewellery . I made sure every last thing was accounted for when listing expenses to him. I very discreetly made sure everything I was entitled to I got without ever saying it out loud. That sounds awful I expect especially to someone who hasnt been there but I am very glad I did.

I knew logically the pain of the split would pass, that awful physical side of things - I never dreamt heartbreak could make you almost ill at times - would subside but god it was hard. So many nasty little surprises to begin with eg for me seeing OW driving past in our family car, the DC with their weekend bags waiting by the front door I could go on and on and I know you guys will have your personal ones.

The thing is time helps so much and so does being proactive in wanting to move on and be the best you can under the circumstances. The Divorce Recovery Workshop sounds a brilliant idea . I looked at it but much later in the day so decided to stick with my therapy. A dear friend has done it though and said it was good.

Anyway I can see this is far too long , apologies but reading your posts brought so much back to me and getting it down is tricky !

My top tips would be maintain dignity at all times with your Hs, this was extremely hard at various times but I am so glad I can look back without any regrets. Also this is essential in dealing with men prone to accusing you of being mad, hysterical etc as it takes the wind out of their sails.

Unless you have the misfortune to have a grade A twat of an H then try and stay amicable yes for the sake of your DC primarily but actually for you too. Bad feeling is just drama and I didnt want my XH to feel he actually mattered sufficiently for me to hate him etc.

Trust that you will get through this and in many cases including my own you will come out happier. I often read about people rediscovering themselves and thought what nonsense. It wasnt until my marriage ended I realised I had gradually seeped away over the years and needed to get back me.

Accept every single bit of support on offer and if enough isnt forthcoming then ask for it !

In the last 3 years I have left my dream home but actually am much happier in my new home , got up to date work skills and after years out of FT work have been working FT over a year , ok not a flash job at all but its a start ! I expect some would look at me and perceive me to have very much gone down in the world post divorce but to me its the opposite because I now live with integrity and an honest life rather than in a marriage where I was completely dominated and just plain stuck

The DC have flourished and in 3 years under my beady eye dont appear to be affected although I know you cant tell everything. They see XH regularly , DS quite often over the standard contact and get on well with OW and her clan as well. We have both bent over backwards to accomodate and help one another with anything thats been asked and I have put in a lot of PR and maintaining his image with the DC when needed.

All that groundwork , even at times when I wanted to email him I think you're a turd, has paid off for the DC of course but me too as I can ask him for help if I need to. I havent needed that back up in these 3 years past but you never know. I expect that sounds manipulative , I hope you understand !

Finally I wont say too much here because it might sound insensitive BUT being single is actually rather wonderful , a well kept secret. I could list a myriad of ways my life is calmer, happier ,no dramas just brilliant really. I wish I had known and understood this a long time ago but I always bought into the being a single parent is to be dreaded idea.

Think I had better stop , hope you all have a good day and remember in the early days it is one day at a time

[She70]

Wow, thank you so much for sharing all of that with us coming. I'm finding it so reassuring hearing peoples stories who have come out the otherside so to speak. Its so hard to ever imagine being "ok" again that it really helps to hear other people going through the same and ending up happy. My problem is that a lot of the time I have noone in rl who completely undrstands as I am the only one to have to go through it.

I am interested in your Deed of Separation. Did you do this through a solicitor and what is it exactly?

I am definitely trying to maintain the higher ground with my ex at the moment. There is nothing he likes more than when I get upset or angry or show any type of emotion for him to be able to say in his god damn patronizing tone... "i think you need to get some help for your emotional issues". Knob. At least I'm capable of emotions!

[ChangeAfoot]

Yes thanks for sharing that cominginto - I like the name too :) I'm feeling a bit brighter today.

[madgered]

changeAfoot. I'm in exactly the same situation as you. He's leaving because I'm horrible to him all the time blah blah, same old story, seeing other women, buying them gifts, 50/50 children business, living in the same house, playing happy families, cooking dinner, washing clothes, it's hell. I wish he would just f-off. but he won't because he wants the house. Now he's restricted access to funds. My lawyer is applying for a maintenance agreement.

He gets wound up by his friends " She's going to clear out the bank account and leave the country with the kids" And then I get punished.

The latest is terrible. I confided in a friend, some really personal stuff and she told a few people, next thing my husband finds out and I'm screamed at for spreading horrid stories and ruining his reputation. Awful. I felt awful because I've been working so hard to ensure that at the end of it we have a good working relationship, hence me doing cooking, washing, ironing etc for him. now it's in tatters. it's so difficult to know who your friends really are in these situations. Be so careful. I've learnt a hard lesson. X

[She70]

Oh madgered that is terrible. I must say since this has all started I really know who my real friends are.

I can totally sympathise with getting wound up by his friends. In my case its his family egging him on to make sure 'I don't get away with xyz', or 'make sure she doesn't get the house' etc etc. Our biggest argument to date came after he had spent Xmas with that toxic influence and came round to see the children, all guns blazing and telling me 'whats what'. Wanker. I wish people would butt out what they don't know anything about.

I honestly do not know how you ladies are managing to stay in the house with them. Of course I know why you are doing it but I just don't think I could have done it.

I am going to see Citizens Advise tomorrow and hoping they can put me in touch with a solicitor who isn't going to cost the earth and draw up some type of agreement regarding the finances. I'll report back here what they say.

[comingintomyown]

I know where you are coming from re nobody else around you having been through it She70 , it can feel like everyone else is living the marital dream except you. I think that for me was where the books helped because they were full of peoples own experiences , I particularly like The Divorce Doctor by Francine Kaye I think ?

One of my best friends jokes with me that I have the "misfortune" to live in an area where nobody is divorced or single and even now I sometimes feel frustrated by that . To be honest , and I take no pleasure from this, the number of friends that began confiding their own privately unhappy marriages really shocked me. In the early days I longed to talk to someone who had been through it and understood even though my friends were brilliant , its how I ended up on MN originally.

Re the Deed of Separation. It is a legally binding document that we drew up to sort the division of finances and childcare arrangements pre divorce. I was advised to do this before selling our house so that I was safe before my major bargaining chip was gone. It was a priority as the house was costly to run alongside his rented house costs as well. We each sought basic legal advice and he then set out what he was prepared to offer me and we haggled between us over a few details with me consulting my solicitor over a few points but essentially the toing and froing was between us rather than racking up legal bills so it worked out faster and cheaper. Once we had agreed terms and my solicitor gave it the nod as a fair deal it was written up as the Deed and all done within 4 months.

In hindsight I thank my lucky stars I took this course of action as the solicitor I am using for the actual divorce is a disgrace to the profession and I am still not divorced. Due to our legal agreement I dont care really because everything is in place re maintenance but it will be nice when it does come through.

[comingintomyown]

Xpost I hope it goes well tomorrow She70 but is there nobody who can recommend a solicitor to you ?

Did you say you live in Kent ? Any chance its near Sittingbourne ?

[TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat]

My strategy for finding good sol (knew I would have to pay) was to look on Resolution site for nearby family law sols, and pick a woman who had graduated a couple of decades ago, as this guarantees they have a long period of experience. Their graduation date is listed.

The one I picked did Resolution process, but Ex would not go the route of collaborative law cos he'd have had to pay a sol. In the end I had to start legal procedings over settlement (see previous post of mine).

Turned out though that same sol firm did do legal aid, and were one of the sol firms often recommended by Women's Aid (or its local equiv [since had to close ).

[Dillie]

Thanks for the post coming into.

My stbxh is still trying to get me to change my mind. His latest trick was to pack a bag, and in front of dd say well I am going. I asked if he had somewhere to stay and he replied no I will sleep in the car!

I didn't react and he said so that's it, don't you care? (Well doh) And then took his bag back upstairs!!!

Dd went upstairs and heard her ask your not staying in your car are you Daddy? He replied to her, no only joking!!

But after dd went to bed he started to look at places to live!

I can just about afford the house, but he won't make it easy and only agrees to pay the CSA minimum. Better than nothing, as at one point he threatened me with cutting all ties and never seeing dd again.

I can't work him out. He keeps saying he loves me and wants it to work, but he keeps pulling little stunts like this!!

I will be so glad when he is gone!

[She70]

How horrible manipulative of your ex dillie, your poor dd. Definitely the sooner he leaves the better if he is going to pull that kind of stunt!

I went to see Citizens Advise today. They didn't tell me much that I didn't already know but they did give me a list of solicitors in the area who do a Fixed Fee initial consultation so I made an apt for Monday with one that charges £50 for the first hour then after that its £180 per hour. I definitely chose the wrong career!!

I am really struggling today. I keep crying and feel so so sad. I feel like I am a huge ball of stress and everything is out of control including me. I really shouted at the children this morning over something stupid and it made my 5-year old cry which is now making me feel desperately guilty and sad that he had to go to school after being upset. I hate myself that I did that but just feel so on edge all the time. Will make a Drs apt for next week. Not sure what I want them to say or give me but I need someone else to make the judgement as I feel like I am not coping at all

[ChangeAfoot]

Oh She so sorry to hear you're feeling low too. It's so bloody impossible hard to bravely soldier on when you want to be able to be bright and sunny for the children. Children are VERY HARD WORK at the best of times, I too have been more shouty than normal and of course they don't understand at all why mummy has suddenly changed. One thing I want to do which might help me feel better is to write a MASSIVE list of all my grievances in the relationship (there are so many of them and when I'm feeling rational I do already feel free of having to deal with his shit non-stop - it felt like a massive millstone around my neck). Are you able to think that this is the right thing, when you're feeling positive? Also wanted to ask whereabouts in Kent you are, I would definitely be up for a supportive meet-up at some point :)

I'm glad it went relatively well at the CAB. I'm supposed to be going out tonight but had a dreadful night last night, with H shouting at me for allowing one of the DC to sleep in my bed - he insists that we are joint parents and that I'm not allowed to make decisions like that without his approval first - words fail me. I am convinced that it's happening because the DC are picking up on things and can't believe that he believes that I'm not allowed to comfort my child in the way I see fit. What an utter wanker.

[ChangeAfoot]

Dillie - so sorry to hear about your H too. I have to admit to having a tiny bit of empathy for stunts like that, because sometimes I feel so desperate that I tend towards that kind of behaviour I'm not excusing what your H did at all, and I hope I'd never stoop that low in front of my child :(

I've just started reading the Lundy Bancroft book, which was the catalyst for the "final" decision of H to want divorce - he was apoplectic to see that I'd ordered it.

[TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat]

Ladies, don't underestimate the power of a short course of ADs to see you through.

As there seem to be a lot of manipulative abusive twunts around, may I once more say you can also find support on the Emotional Abuse thread (linked in previous post and I'm a bit lazy

[comingintomyown]

It is an awful horrible time so dont berate yourselves for being a bit shouty hopefully once the rawness subsides a little it will get easier.

At this stage its a case of taking one day at a time and being really kind to yourselves. If its NickJr and pizza for the next few weeks thats ok its about survival not being a perfect parent

Your H sounds like a prat change, ironic that the book that has been the catalyst for him to divorce will likely be the catalyst for you to have the bare minimum to do with him and allow you to understand what an escape this actually is !

[ChangeAfoot]

Hope you're feeling better She70.

I'm really enjoying tucking into the Bancroft book when I go to bed early in the evening. Silvery - I have lurked on that thread but for some reason feel like a fraud posting on it because I'm not sure yet that I can say my relationship was abusive. H has spent several years telling me that the opposite is true, mainly after I've exploded after some particularly bad incident. I am not a passive person which is why our relationship I think has been so "bad" - lots of people might sit back and take it (whatever "it" is)... but I'm wired/programmed differently and never could. I'm sure it's no coincidence that I had an abusive alcoholic father either.

All is okay here, there is a quiet calm at the moment. I have started keeping a diary of who is doing what with the girls each day, as well as other things. I mentioned to him last night that he may have noticed but he now needs to do his laundry and he almost seemed affronted!

[She70]

How is everyone doing?

I am much better today after having a nice weekend spent with friends.

change , you sound very much like me. I am not able to just sit back take 'it' either so my ex loves telling me to how I need to calm down, or patronise me in some way when in fact all I have done react to his taunts in a normal fashion and when I tell other people what he has said, or how he spoke to me I'm always told that I actually reacted with a lot of constraint as they would have said a lot worse!

I saw a solicitor today so that's it, ball is in motion and he is drawing up our proposal for the separation agreement. I am probably not going to file for divorce just yet. I will do but for now I want the finances sorted and to let the dust settle for a bit. The separation agreement will form the basis of our divorce settlement anyway and that will be agreed and signed in the paperwork so that when it comes to the actual divorce it will be just a formality. Lets see now if ex agrees and signs!

[ChangeAfoot]

Lovely to hear from you She. Things are so up and down here, I can't bear it. H has been to get some ADs from the doctor, and having started them yesterday then sent me an email with "hugs" in it, and what seemed like quite conciliatory remorseful language. This was a few hours after sending me other emails which said I have to start using my bank card for the online food shop rather than his card which has always been used for it. Since my benefits forms haven't even all come through yet I had a major panic attack yesterday that this meant he was going to start restricting food money. We're meant to be going to see the counsellor again tonight and I think I may pull the plug on it, it's just too MENTAL in my opinion to be having all this 'touchy feely' let's-be-friends bullshit alongside these other lawyer-led exchanges.

She that's interesting re. just getting the separation agreement for now. My sol said you might as well do both at the same time (if you know there's no going back etc.) but I have to say I am feeling very overwhelmed and it might be easier to do it one chunk at a time, emotionally as much as anything else. Is your H still offering the same arrangement as you mentioned last week?

All in all, I'm feeling very overwhelmed by the process, not helped by having the DC to look after all day which means I don't seem to get the chance to ever sit down for an hour of peace/quiet in business hours and have a think about who I need to phone or whatever. I know I should probably contact my sol about some of the things he has said/suggested but my brain feels fried by it all.

[alexrider]

Hello ladies may I join you? I'm in the process of divorce but live in France and am apart from my very close friends who sometimes I want to talk to about normal life and not the antics of my STBXH.

I've told my story on MN before, basically me and DCs live in France, H was in UK working Mon-Fri would come and visit on a weekend. Visits gradually became less and less and he claimed lack of money. Three weeks after our family holiday, he phoned me one Sunday afternoon and in a three minute phone call said, I don't want to be married to you anymore. Then turned his phone off for two weeks. In that two weeks he blocked me, my family and friends from his Facebook and declared he was in a relationship with OW. I immediately contacted a solicitor and filed for divorce. The OW had been putting messages on his FB while it said at the top "WankyBoy is married to Alex Rider" things like calling him Mr Wonderful and I really, really luffs you. I trusted him so much I thought it was just somebody with FB nonsense. It does make me think he must have told her some massive lies about our marriage or she really didn't give a stuff.

We now have Decree Nisi and are going towards Decree Absolute but he keeps changing his mind about things, sending me ranty emails etc, my response to this now is to ignore, ignore, ignore.

I realise although I was shocked and saddened at the sudden end of our marriage (17 years) once I'd got over that I was incredibly relieved, I'd fallen out of love with him years ago, he had quite serious issues with personal hygiene that he didn't address and just his attitude toward me generally was a turn off. Our oldest DC has SEN and I've been by myself for years dealing with that, H never really parented, although the DCS do adore him. However, since he left I find myself with an uncontrollable rage, it's not like me at all, and it's directed at him because of his treatment of the DCs. He has rarely visited them, when he does his day consists of time in front of a screen somewhere (iPad, DVD etc) and a sandwich from Lidl. They do stay overnight with him in a Travelodge style hotel but now he says he won't do that anymore because of the cost. He goes on about cost all the time, but the thing is I still access his credit card bills, he has literally spent in excess of £10,000 on credit cards since he left in August having a good time. He and OW go to restaurants, hotels, he has family days out with her and her DCs. I am so incredibly angry that his own DCs barely get the crumbs from the table. Although he pays maintenance at the same level as the CSA would stipulate.

I realise now he has always had a narcissistic personality, very much like a spoiled child, he has always wanted his gadgets and has left me and the DCs without money for food while he has bought a new camera and has even stolen from his employers just to get an iPad. He tries to blame me now for his debt, he doesn't know I can see his credit cards, it's shocking he is now £14,000 in debt on cards. I'm guessing the OW doesn't know yet, but I'm sure the good times will stop when the credit runs out and then where will he be?

I am so angry at him for being this great dad to the OW's kids, she even calls her youngest "our boy", they've only been together since the end of June, beginning of July as far as I can make out. He hasn't seen my own DCs this year, again claiming cost, but I know he and the other woman are going to gigs and staying in expensive hotels. I'm the one who has to deal with the questions about when is daddy coming to visit?

Sorry, this has been incredibly long, but like I say, I'm so angry with him for his neglect of our beautiful DCs. I fully anticipate that by the end of the year he will have forgotten about them. It's so sad.

[TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat]

This anger is good especially if you can channel it into making sure you get what you are entitled to, financially. This is the thing to focus on at the moment. Don't get the absolute done if there are pensions involved, for one thing.

[She70]

change I can't imagine the turmoil you must be in. Solicitors one minute then counselling the next. Talk about 2 extremes. What are you both hoping to get out the counselling? Is it a last attempt at saving the marriage? I can understand the need to know you have tried everything to save it if you can but I guess I don't understand why do counselling whilst both of you are consulting lawyers!

Yes, I like the idea of one step at a time. The separation agreement can pave the way for the divorce later but for me I just feel as if I can get this in place then get my head around the idea of divorce. The solicitor said that the separation agreement can be turned into the consent order when we do divorce, be that in 6 months or if we wait the 2 years and then get a quick easy divorce. The proposal being put to him is the same, or very similar to what he suggested last week. I'm hoping he hasn't changed his mind but we'll see when he gets the letter from the solicitor. Depends on what 'advise' he has been given this week by his delightful family.

alex your situation sounds horrible and I feel desperately sad for you and your dc. I have no words of advise because I would feel so angry and resentful too but I think the advise from silvery is good, use the anger to good cause and make sure you get everything you are entitled to. Its the very least you can do to ensure he contributes to your dc financially even if he is absent in all other ways.

I've had a calm day today which has been lovely. I've been enquiring about free child care places for 2-year olds which it looks like I am entitled to so great news as my dd can start after Easter for 12 hours a week! I am sad to let her go at only 2.5 but she will love it and needs must. I am going to use the time when she goes to concentrate on finding a job. Until then I am going to make the most of the time I have left with her everyday and do lots of activities, groups etc. and not worry about my lack of job. Surely something will turn up!!

change , I am in Hythe near Folkestone so if you fancy a day trip to the sea then let me know! Where in London are you?

[Dillie]

Evening everyone.

So sorry to hear of your situation Alex it sounds very tough :( I agree with the others, use your anger and make sure you get what you and your dc's are entitled too.

I have had my second session of counselling and hypnotherapy today. It has helped me a lot. I think for the first time in two months I am comfortable with my decision and that it is best for me and dd.

Things at home have settled down a little since stbxh latest outburst.

He sent me a letter saying while he saves up for deposit etc he wants us to live like housemates!! and gave me list of what he wants. He says he doesn't mind cooking and washing his own stuff, but I don't see why I should waste water and power just to prove a point!

He cannot afford the house on his own (or so he says). I am a little sceptical as I can just about do it on part time wages with benefits etc. He earns 3x more than me, so unless he is in more debt than I know about I think he is spinning me a line.

I am a little concerned that if I move out he will default on the mortgage so put me up s* creek without a paddle!

she how does the separation agreement work?