Support thread for those going through divorce..?

[ChangeAfoot]

It looks as though H and I are going to get divorced, have first appointments with lawyers booked over the next few days. I'm feeling horribly erratic - it was his decision but we've been miserable for ages and he's very difficult to live with. There's also been an affair (his), and his non-stop complaints and criticism, and in recent months his unemployment, to wear us down.

I was wondering if there was already a support thread for those going through these trials, because I'm so up and down and absolutely gutted about the end of "the dream" (albeit a shit one where you wake up in a cold sweat ) and worrying about what lies ahead - social pariah-hood and destitution, if my worst fears were ever to be realised. I'm so tearful a lot of the time, although am already having flashes of feeling lighter and wondering whether I'll look back and thank my lucky stars.

If there isn't already a thread, and anyone else in a similar position fancies venting with me, then be my guest

dillie , essentially it outlines your financial agreement, custody arrangements etc for the children, spousal maintenance for you, everything that will be in a divorce settlement without actually getting an actual divorce. The solicitor said that a lot of people who do not agree with divorce for whatever reasons draw up this agreement and then never bother getting an actual divorce.

It will also from the consent order from the court when we do get divorced but fornnow it allows me to get all the finances secured for me and the dc without having to get my head round divorce proceedings which I just don't feel up to facing at the moment.

Hello alex and sorry to hear about your situation too.

Well I'm feeling thoroughly miserable. We had our pointless therapy session last night and then went out for dinner. Is all so odd, we're sort of getting on okay and then it's as if we remember what's actually happening and then revert back to the "new normal". I just had a phone call from a school the girls were down to start Kindergarten at in Sept, and had to tell them that because of the divorce, they won't be able to go. H is talking about having to pull them out of their (private) nursery :(

We were meant to be having a first session with a mediator today but he's had to cancel due to problems with the venue. So we may have to wait two weeks to go. I'm all over the place, finding correspondence with the sol very slow. H is either being lovely to me or vile (from waking up at 4am to find him coming into my room, he saw that one of the DC was in bed with me and so just left the room ; through to telling me half an hour ago that he "isn't going to mention it in the divorce, don't worry, but you have a severe personality disorder and you need to sort it out".)

I remembered in the counselling last night that on one of our first dates, he slapped me round the face for offending him because of something I'd said. In a flash he responded last night by saying "you fucking deserved that". I told the counsellor last night that MY biggest challenge after this is over will be to work out why I didn't run for the hills then, but instead chose to spend ten years of my life with him. :(

Oh Change he sounds vile. I think count your blessings it was just 10 years you wasted and from now on look forward to the rest of your life. I think coming into your bedroom in the night is well out of order, can you get the solicitor to lay down boundaries in a letter to him? I have the utmost respect to everybody who has to share a house with an ex, I have to keep my correspondence limited to a couple of lines on an email because I struggle to be civil to my ex.

He really does sound horrible change . I hope something gives for you soon as I don't see how you can continue living like this and keep your sanity.

I was wondering about the boundaries thing. At the moment my ex just walks in the house when he comes to see the children. How long can he continue to do this for? As I'm planning on staying in the marital home and we will have a 50-50 share does that mean he can just walk in whenever he likes as technically its half his house. I just feel so uncomfortable with that! Plus he goes through the cupboards eating what he likes. Again technically he is buying the food by paying maintenance but does that really mean he can just help himself?

hello.... can i join you please?
I'm am thoroughly fed up of the mental kicking i get every time i try and move my divorce along (it was my choice, no major incident, just years of unhappiness and a wake up call that made me realise there must be more to life).
Ex is really dragging his feet with it... i suspect for financial reasons (like waiting till he was in part time rather than full time employment) and i just want it to be over so we can all get on with life withut this hanging over our heads.

We have 2dc, who live with me but see him a lot... i havent the energy to write everything down tonight, but basically i'm sure his tactic is to grind me down so that i will agree to a settlement that isnt really in my best interests... for example he keep spouting that he has legal rights to have the children 50%.... that he will try and ringfence some of our assets etc etc... that he does everything possible to make my life easier and i am just an ungrateful cowbag..... bla bla....... its just mind numbing......

I'm trying to read thru here to see whats happening to you guys too... sounds like its all pretty rough xx

She I had to lay down boundaries with my ex, I make him do pick ups and drop offs at the door, but that basically was because every time he came in the house he stole something. I have to say it really, really annoys him and I take an enormous amount of pleasure from that. I've had comments from him about my remarkable hospitality and even last night in an email slagging me of he brought it up, so I offered if he disliked handovers on the doorstep so much then I'd happily take the DCs to a car park in town to meet him. He hasn't technically bought the food in the cupboard for him to eat by paying maintenance, that's for his DCs to feed them etc.

red stick in there, this divorce business really is wearing. Take a step back from it for a week or so and don't enter into any correspondence or discussions with him, you may feel you have a bit more energy for it later.

Another one joint the ranks if you don't mind? Blimey, there are quite a few of us, don't know whether to feel glad of the company or very sad that so many marriages come to this .

My story is 'dh' walked out early last year using the MLC script and of course was horrified at the accusation that another woman may be the cause. Fast forward to last night when he admits that there is in fact another woman that he has only started recently dating Clearly he believes I was born yesterday.

Divorce is going VERY slowly, my solicitor is bloody useless and I've just received a bill from her for £700 for a couple of emails, 2 phone calls and a letter. I am in the process of trying to find a good but reasonable priced alternative if such a person exists.

Ex is vile and is becoming increasingly emotionally abusive to both me and our DS and is threatening to pay us a little as he can get away with.

Everything seems so awful and just keeps getting worse by the day, I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Oh and she I'm another who's ex lets himself in, makes himself at home by making himself a coffee and helping himself to contents of my cupboards because the house is still 'his'

I know exactly how you feel and know that it's going to be a rocky road when I try putting a stop to it

Morning all. H about to leave for the morning thank fuck and DC are at nursery. I'm about to phone my lawyer for a catch up, and then call the benefits people to find out where the bloody hell my forms are, having requested them 10 days ago

rednailpolish - you have my sympathies re. him waiting to be in part-time employment. Mine has conveniently decided to do this at a time when he's unemployed. He's also saying that until we get this sorted he doesn't feel in the right "space" mentally to get a job, but also refuses to move out until we sort out access/contact/residency arrangements with our DC.

SpiderManMum - I think I've read your other thread... hello and sorry to read of what you're going through too. Are you a SAHM too (I am at the moment)? All I can think is that in a few years time I'll look back on this and think it was the best thing that could have happened, but agree right now I feel as though my family's future is being dangled over the edge of a precipice by a lunatic and it's terrifying.

Afternoon ladies, I hope you are all not too snowed in! Hello to the new ladies too. So sorry you are going through this crap too :(

Latest development here is that he one minute says he wants us to be like housemates and then the other he wants me to give him another 6 months to prove himself!! It is so bloody frustrating.

He refuses point blank to move even though we have a cash buyer for our house. My mum and dad said they can buy the house get a tenancy agreement and rent the house back to me and dd. This way my dd can stay in the house she has grown up in, will keep her friends and close to her school. The house will be left to me in mum and dads will and will in turn be left to her in mine. The rent will be treated like a capital payment that I will get back plus a split of the profits should I decide to sell at any time.

However, 'd'h can't seem to get it into his head that I have given him loads of chances before and I am not prepared to do it again. He said he didn't realise the previous chances were serious ones!

If I can get him to agree, then he will have approx £20k to start somewhere fresh so it is not as if he will be out of pocket.

He is still adamant that he can prove he has changed and keeps pleading for me to give him a go.

Six months isn't that long I suppose, but it will feel like an eternity. Even once the six months are up, I have a horrible feeling he won't leave even then.

I know I can't force him out, but any ideas? I really don't want to move dd away from her friends. I haven't initiated divorce proceedings yet, but is this the only way I can get through to him that I don't want his manipulative ass in the house anymore?

On a completely different subject, can I get housing benefit it I rent off mum & dad? I am on part time wages so qualify for all the usual stuff.

Hi Dillie. It's all so bloody complicated, isn't it? I hate to say the usual, but have you got a solicitor to ask these questions of? In my case I don't think H is going to move out until we have sorted out the child contact and financial stuff - which will only be sorted when the divorce is next to finalised (I think, or so it seems).

Also, I was just talking to the benefits people and told them that H might be moving into my flat around the corner, and then I will lose the rental income I get from that. They said to me that I could 'rent' it to H and then he could get that paid in housing benefit as he isn't working and in turn pay it to me. I know it's a different situation but maybe that means you could rent off your mum and dad. Sorry this is all virgin territory for me!!

I've had a very peaceful day at home gathering my thoughts. Spoke to lawyer (all good and reassuring) and to the benefits people who are sending the forms out again but were reassuring me that I should definitely be eligible for income support and therefore legal aid... crossing everything possible as tightly as possible for that outcome.

Thanks for that change I will keep everything crossed for you too for the legal aid.

I do have a solicitor, but its just finding the time! Also I have not told dd yet as I didn't want to create any more stress than there is already, so have to time anything like that very carefully.

Hopefully the snow would have cleared enough by Monday so h is out of the house at work to enable me make some calls. I am hoping to get legal aid too, but my solicitor said that my h income may have to be taken into account as we still live in the same house. There are ways of getting around it though she said.

I must admit all this legal stuff makes my head spin!!

I know just what you mean about finding the time - it's driving me insane that during the day I normally have the DC hanging off me (and sometimes H hanging around too), and in the evening H is normally at home - so I can feel like I never get a minute's privacy or the chance to make an uninterrupted, private phone call in business hours. Today felt like such a luxury - time to actually think about stuff.

Another newy here.
Have posted on Mn before, but just the basics H announced a week before Christmas he been having an affair (but this has since changed he is not having a relationship!) he left straight away, I did beg said we could go to counselling try and sort it out, but it was like talking to a stranger. He is seeing DS (15) once a week for a few hours - he has moved in with his parents and can't have him overnight as there is no room - feel this is just an excuse as know he is out all the time.
After absolutely no contact for a month thought I better go and see solicitor for advise, solicitor really good and has told me to try mediation as the cost is less, have emailed him about it but Had no response. Solicitor said to do the divorce myself as again will keep costs down, but when I do, not to apply for the decree absolute until all finances are sorted - as "if he drops dead tomorrow you will still get his pension as you are still his wife" really found this a hard statement know solicitor is telling me for best interest but he is the father of my son and found it hard to hear.

Isn't it sad how many of us are on here and going through such crappy times. I really feel for every one of us. This really is shit and I just hope that we are all in better places soon.

I am starting to hate weekends as my ex comes to see the children. I hate the way he swans in, all sweetness and light, not a care in the world. Easy for him. No broken nights anymore, lots of lie-ins, no fighting. children every day. He told me a few weeks ago he feels lighter. Like a weight has been lifted. Nice to know we were such a burden for him. He skyped the kids tonight so I stayed out of the room. Its all done for effect... I don't think he listens to a single thing they say and constantly just says to the little one, have you got a kiss for Daddy? Over and over. Its weird. In just two months he has become so disconnected with us.

Still, I do count my blessings. I just could not live with him whilst going through this. No way. All you ladies still living together must have amazing self-control!

Hello all, hope you don't mind me tagging on, this sounds like my sorta thread. I separated from H in Oct. living abroad for 5 years prev. OH said he was feeling unhappy (Mid life crisis, I thought)I came back with kids set up home organised benefits as not working; had to leave job behind.(all with mutual agreement) thought maybe some space and time apart and we could get back on an even keel. He came back to UK xmas time. Then he told me last week about OW who he met on his business trip to Asia last year and is now having a 5000 mile relationship with ( apart from New Year when he went to meet her ) but apparently it only started ' a few weeks ago after we separated'.
Went to see solicitor last MOn and she has set ball rolling , waiting for appointment from Resolution Mediator to discuss finances. He is MR Passive Aggressive , calm and controlling, but basically a nice guy till you cross him ( i have seen him this way in business and always thought glad he's on my side).
When you said 'Change' about the roller coaster' I thought thank god it's not just me.
Yesterday was a horrible day, spent most of it crying waiting for plumber to fix heating which has packed up. Today kids off school so was a better day even though he was collecting stuff for his new House from my garage. I went to speak to a neighbour/ friend about blocking drive with the van and she said how awful , come in for coffee, so I did so I wouldn't have to watch him sever his last ties with me ( Apart from the kids) when he finished he just drove off o: I stored his stuff for 2 months and no thanks or bye! I was a bit cheesed off but thought hey he was in a rush to get there. Leave it!

I did until he rang DD tonight to say Ill be over to collect you at 8.30 to take you to mine. Now he says I am being unresaonable and he made arrangement before but the fact he told her what time and not me really pissed me off. I had the kids tonight even though it was supposed to be his 'weekend' ( the 1st as before he just wanted to have them when it suited and I told him that was not fair on me or them and he could commit to a weekend and spend more than an hour or 2 with them). Am I being unreasonable should he have confirmed the time with me bearing in mind I had them to do him ( another) favour?? I am tyring to keep it amicable but DAMN IT it's tough!! (Sorry a bit long!)

It's so bloody unbelievably unfair isn't it. They walk out without even glancing back and we're left to pick up the pieces of a shattered family and try to 'soldier on'. Meanwhile they are indulged with regular lie ins, gym workouts, a social life after work, and a new adoring woman who thinks the sun is shining from their proverbial.

My STBXH is also so disconnected from our DS it is really uncomfortable now watching him trying to interact with him. It's almost like watching someone who doesn't have kids awkwardly trying to play but not knowing really what to do and feeling very self conscious. How can someone that you were once so close too become a stranger so quickly?

I too am struggling to find the time to get my backside into gear to change solicitor. I did make an appointment but had to cancel due to the weather and school being closed early. It is all hard work

spidermanmum that is exactly it isn't it?! They walk out leaving us to pick up the carnage all the while they are living their fancy carefree life. I just have to comfort myself with the fact that they have lost the biggest thing of all and that is being an active and constant part in the dc's lives. My ex was actually affronted and had a go at me because I wasn't being enthusiastic enough and showing enough interest in his 'new life'. He was telling me how he had joined a gym... was going 3 times a week... was out drinking with his mates and landlord etc etc. When I said I couldn't actually give a flying f**k about his newly found freedom, he was saying things to me 'oh and you call yourself a nice person, you are just horrible' !! I mean what the heck was I supposed to say?! Congratulate him on being so innovative to try his hand at the family thing and then when it didn't suit just say 'yeah well, actually I don't want this after all, I'm outta here' . The mind boggles.

It does make me very sad to see him with the children though. I don't get why he is so awkward with them when before he wasn't. Its exactly like you described above - someone playing with children who doesn't have kids of their own. All self-conscious and uncomfortable. My ex doesn't ask any questions about school or swimming or football. Nothing.

I would definitely urge those that haven't got a solicitor sorted, get one and get the ball rolling. You do feel 'better' in a strange way for moving forward. I do anyway. It just made me feel as if I did have some control of things.

I agree about control She, on Monday after I saw my solicitor I was flying high, I had meeting with him on Weds and was v. business like and professional ( was also more informed than him , which I'm sure surprised and annoyed him as I think he thinks I am overly reliant on hiim)
Then Weds I sent him an email saying I didnt want to fight and want closure ( yuk I hate that word so shmalzy!) So he sent me a long email back saying he had really loved me ( in the past) and I was a good wife and a great mother but we just lost the way and now it was too late blah, blah blah...." That really threw me and got to me and it's been downhill all week since then.
I want to move forward but I struggle to think I will be happy again. I feel like he still has SO much control over my life. I wish he would move to Asia to be with her at the moment as then I would not feel like this every time I see him.

There is so much I want to say in response to each post, finding myself nodding in agreement a lot! Need to go get organised for the day; will be back later..

I always feel better after meetings or chats with the lawyer, shame it's so bloody expensive!

Sorry to read these stories about dads being awkward with the DC. We're still living under the same roof so I'm yet to experience any of that. All food for thought though - my problem at the moment is mainly that H wants 50 50 contact, equal residence, etc. I am fundamentally opposed to it because I want the DC (for the next few years at least) to feel as though they have one proper home. But I realise that there is a flip side to that (if I get what I want) - I will be the one without any "freedom". But as that's what I'm aiming for I don't think I'm going to be able to moan about it if/when it happens! (Not sure if that makes any sense...)

She - I'm shocked at how insensitive your H is being and his expecting you to be patting him on the back for his new life. Can't he see that you are NOT the person he should be going to for approval - just goes to show they can't quite let go of that 'role' us wifeys obviously had prior splitting. Btw, I completely agree about getting the ball rolling re. solicitor. It's just nice to feel as though someone is on your side and can give you a sense of what is possible.

We actually had a civilised chat (H and I) last night but am nervous to get my hopes up too much. On the face of it he seemed more amenable to compromise and we were actually able to discuss things like "The House" without either of us losing it. Time will tell. In the meantime we're booked in again for our first mediation chat Wednesday after next.

Hi change,
I hope that things stay civilised for you but you are right to remain cautious about getting your hopes up. Over the past 10 months I've had many 'civilised chats' with ex about keeping a roof over our heads and providing us enough to live on however as time goes by things do change dramatically and what was once agreed means nothing unless it down in a court order.

Sorry,I'm not meaning to pee on your parade but I've heard it all from mine about how he is going to stay named on the mortgage etc etc and as soon as things hotted up with ow, he wanted out. My guess is that it could turn for you when you stand in his way of 50:50 residency split.

I think the awkwardness with the dc's comes from the fact that they only spend a fraction of the time with them in comparison to the 'old days' and in my case we are very much out of sight, out of mind so as soon as he's out that door, it like we don't exist in his world until his next visit. All very sad indeed.

raenbow I totally understand what you mean. When they are being nasty it's easy to hate them and run on adrenalin but when they do or say something kind that catches you off guard it does bring you down and all those feeling of what has been lost come flooding back. I have to keep telling myself that the husband I thought I had never really existed.

Hello ladies.

I am with you when they are nasty it somehow makes it easier. Today H was playing with dd in the snow and I did have a twinge of guilt about breaking them apart. I just have to remember the crap he has put me through over the last 10 years or so and the reasons why I want him out.

Even now he still thinks we have a chance and is trying to prove he can change. But every now and then his usual self reappears.

I will again ask if he agrees to mums offer with regards about the house. But if he doesn't turn I will have to play hard ball and serve him the papers.

It was something I hoped to avoid, but he has left me very little choice :(

My ex never says anything nice at all so its easy to just keep hating him!

I was saying to a friend earlier that not once, since the day I discovered his gambling debts has my h shown one bit of compassion or empathy for what he has done to me/us. Maybe once in a heart to heart at the very beginning. But that's it. He has been vile to me. Really nasty in that respect. I find that unforgiveable actually. He seems to think what he has done, lied about etc is all ok because he was unhappy! Seems to excuse all shitty behaviour. Nothing about how he could have communicated his unhappiness and opened up. Its not like he didn't have the opportunity. We were in counseling for 12 months before I discovered the gambling debts and not once in all that time did he even hint at what was wrong. In fact he spent the entire time looking to blame me for all that was wrong In our relationship. He really had me doubting myself so much when in fact I was justified in thinking he was hiding something and that he had disconnected from the marriage!

I keep focusing on that to make me stay true to myself that I deserve better and that me and the children will be happier on our own! Its so hard though. I just can't imagine being happy again

Hello girls, sorry to hear what you are all going through...i was there 18 months ago.
Just wanted to say that it is a complete rollercoaster . Gradually gradually you will find you have the odd day where you feel better, when you have done something to regain control and to take control of your own life.
I still have days where I cant get out of bed & I only turned to ADs 2 months ago as finally admitted things were so shit (was divorced a year ago but finances not yet resolved...he is being a complete twunt).
Please just look after yourselves & DCs. Take each day as it comes and cherish the fact that you & DCs will become closer while STBXHs fade into the distance when DCs realise who is the most important person to them.