It looks as though H and I are going to get divorced, have first appointments with lawyers booked over the next few days. I'm feeling horribly erratic - it was his decision but we've been miserable for ages and he's very difficult to live with. There's also been an affair (his), and his non-stop complaints and criticism, and in recent months his unemployment, to wear us down.
I was wondering if there was already a support thread for those going through these trials, because I'm so up and down and absolutely gutted about the end of "the dream" (albeit a shit one where you wake up in a cold sweat 
) and worrying about what lies ahead - social pariah-hood and destitution, if my worst fears were ever to be realised. I'm so tearful a lot of the time, although am already having flashes of feeling lighter and wondering whether I'll look back and thank my lucky stars.
If there isn't already a thread, and anyone else in a similar position fancies venting with me, then be my guest 
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Support thread for those going through divorce..?
ChangeAfoot · 04/01/2013 18:04
Hello crazygracie. That sounds good so far that you've reached a good financial agreement in theory (fingers crossed!) and re. contact too. The stuff divorce dreams are made of!
It's all so higgledy piggledy here, I am on a constant rollercoaster of emotions. Ended up having a couple of glasses of wine with H last night and talking about everything - it felt extremely dangerous to be trying to discuss the issues involved (merits of mediation/collaborative law/adversarial law; what we want re residency/parenting; selling the house or otherwise) and I'm not sure it was a good idea. He also went into great detail about how he wants 50 50 parenting and wants to totally scale back his career to do so. This is very frightening to me as I don't work at the moment (as I say intend to start looking for work but can't see me earning much for a while having been out of the market for 4 years and effectively having to start from scratch) and there's no way we can run two households if he does this. It feels like he is deliberately setting about coming up with the exact set of circumstances that would leave me worst off. He even suggested us both moving out of London to somewhere like Kent, which made me feel sick in that he thinks this kind of solution is viable - we almost moved out to Kent a year ago and opted not to in the end; as if I'm going to want to move to an entirely new area knowing nobody other than my bloody ex-husband! 
Morning :)
My stbxh has thrown me a bit of a curve ball. We had a bit of a row last night and I said that he has forced me to move out and up root dd . (I had hoped he would move out when I asked him too)
Any way he then said to me "well I told the boss if it didn't work out between us over Christmas I would quit my job" I asked him who would pay for the mortgage (as he earns nearly 3 times the amount that I do) his reply "I don't care, without you,dd or this house I have nothing"
I think you would class him as an EA given what I have had to put up with over the past 14 years (taken me a long while to wake up!) but can he do this just to get back at me?
I am now worried that if he does quit, the house will get Repo'd and I will be up the creek without a paddle and dd will suffer!!!
Ah She thanks for that link, sounds silly that I don't know these things, H has popped out with the DC to the park and I'm going to spend the rare alone time looking at things like this (and photocopying documents mwahahaha).
Don't worry, I have nothing against Kent - it was me who wanted to go there! ... but I realised at the last minute how much harder it would have been for me to ever get a career going, as we were going to be living in a village. H would have been commuting up to the City and by definition I would have had to stay local unless I was earning enough to justify a nanny/etc. That's a good way to look at it re. new chapter in your life - trouble with me is that we've only just moved back to London (were living abroad for 2.5 yrs) and it's where all my friends are and most definitely feels like we've just got back home, if that makes sense. I really really don't want to leave, and finding work in my old profession would be near impossible.
Quick rant while I'm here then will stop carpet bombing the thread :) Both H and I had bad night's sleep last night - me because I was woken a lot by DD, he because he by choice didn't go to bed until 2.45, which I heard as DD had just woken up. We then had an emotional talk until about 4am (!) and then had disturbed sleep afterwards. So - cut to this morning. I get woken up at 7.15 by DD and get up with both DC, which I do singlehandedly while he stays in bed until almost midday Without negotiation, etc, he just does it. This is like EVERY SINGLE DAY. And then at about 11 he emails me to say that he'd like to take the DC to the park to "give me a break". I am so sick of me doing all the bloody drudge work with them, only for him to emerge from his selfish lie-in so that he can "relieve me" and go and have fun with them. THIS IS NOT 50 50 PARENTING YOU WANKER!
My h has now said he doesn't want a divorce and he's coming round to talk later. (He's with the kids now) this is from a man who says he doesn't believe in marriage and married me for tax reasons because we were emigrating. Nice! 
[manic laughter]
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mowmi - your situation sounds utterly dreadful; you have my utmost sympathies. I feel guilty sometimes complaining about H, because in some ways he knows how to switch on the 'Perfect Dad' routine. He loves them to bits and as I say is now talking about gearing down his work just so he can look after them. I wouldn't mind but I think I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of meals he's prepared for them (including breakfast) over the past six months whilst he's been out of work and therefore at home 24/7. Good luck with your Form E and let's hope your H wakes up soon and starts playing ball with it all. Does he talk to anyone about it? What about mutual friends of yours? Is anyone able to get through to him?
She - I have to say, that sounds VERY similar to what I am hoping to achieve. I'm no expert re. the longer term implications (and others have raised issues I wouldn't have thought of, as a complete novice to tax credits and the like) but on first glance I'd say WELL DONE and yes, get it in writing asap! I'm already wondering if I should start innocently mentioning something about moving to Scotland to be with my mother, should H not play ball.... That would put the fear of God up him!
carpets - you poor thing. My H is also wanting 50 50 care. Did you fight against it or were you in agreement? I am already painfully aware that if he gets that, then I'll lose the house and we'll all be uprooted. I am terrified of the prospect. Is your H now playing ball re. financial disclosure?
wiseoldowl - very apt name; I like it :) Thanks for the tips 'from the future' - keep 'em coming, I say. It's really good to be reminded of that, I find it hard because there's always a nagging voice in my head wondering if I'm being overly greedy by wanting what I want (majority residence of the DC and to stay in the marital home; primarily...)
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