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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is he cheating or am I REALLY paranoid? (Long, sorry)

82 replies

WorriedMummy73 · 04/01/2013 13:17

I've been with DP for almost 20 years and we have 3 dc. He works all over the country and is often away Mon-Fri. There have been several incidents involving his phone and dubious messages from people. As an example, he came home drunk one night and his private messaging kept beeping. He was more or less unconscious and I checked the messaging (wrong, I know) - there was a conversation there between him and someone (with a male name) where the other person stated that they 'were really excited because they were getting to see him tonight' and other stuff along those lines, with lots of kisses, etc. I replied to this person (pretending to be DP) asking 'are you still up, did you have a good time tonight, etc'. They replied and then asked why I wasn't putting any kisses, then said 'is this really you'? I said 'who else would it be?'. They said 'her' (meaning me, I assume). DP woke up looking for his phone and lost his temper - I explained what I had seen and he said the messages weren't meant for him but were 'crossed-messages' between his mate and some girl. There was a similar incident a few months before that (again, he put it down to his friend using his phone to text a girl he was seeing on the side).

Since then, he has passworded his phone (Blackberry) and is constantly on it, texting (sitting right next to me when he's home) but holding it an angle so I can't see the screen. He swears he would never cheat on me, but the whole phone thing is driving me insane. I've told him how I feel, how the previous incidents make me feel, how he spends more time texting his 'friends' than he does talking to me, but he doesn't seem interested. We'll agree to watch a film together when the kids go to bed but he'll be on his phone the whole way through.

I feel that the password indicates he has something to hide - my phone isn't passworded and he knows that. If I ever ask to use his phone (if mine isn't working) he hovers around me the whole time I'm using it.

Would it be unreasonable of me to ask him to show me his messages or am I being over the top?

OP posts:

badinage · 04/01/2013 13:21

It's saying something that you even have to ask, love.

He's having an affair and I'm so sorry.

motherdelicious · 04/01/2013 13:23

I agree with badinage.
I think you know it as well.
It's time to have a proper talk with him. And I mean, proper.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 13:25

No-one uses someone else's mobile to text a girlfriend Of course he's having an affair and he doesn't have 'something to hide' because he's very clearly doing it in plain sight. He's treating you with contempt, taking you for a fool, you should call him on it, tell him you know everything and then tell him to get lost for a while so that you can have a long hard think....

BluelightsAndSirens · 04/01/2013 13:26

Oh dear, his actions are making you feel like this.

If he is innocent he will want to put your mind at rest.

Sugarice · 04/01/2013 13:27

I'm so sorry but it sounds very dubious with the phone thing.

I mean , his excuse about 'crossed messages' and his friend is just laughable.

Garnier · 04/01/2013 13:27

I am very sorry to say that the man is clearly up to no good. If he is telling the truth he will let you see the phone as and when, but I doubt he will.

mcmooncup · 04/01/2013 13:28

He is having an affair

mcmooncup · 04/01/2013 13:29

Oh and LTB

tzella · 04/01/2013 13:31

He's lying, the lying liar. Please don't be deflected by his frankly bullshit excuses.

Is he perfect apart from this? I bet not.

Original poster

WorriedMummy73 · 04/01/2013 13:34

Ok, wow, now I'm shaking with upset and worry and fear at having to broach it with him later. I honestly thought maybe I was being paranoid and that people were going to say 'get a grip' and 'serves you right for going through his phone' and that would have made me feel like shit, but removed my worries. The general consensus though is that he's cheating. Confrontation time I think and will have to ask to see the phone. What if there's nothing in it though? And what if he refuses? Too much to think about now...

His circle of friends are arseholes who have (in the majority) cheated on wives and girlfriends in the past so they wouldn't discourage him from it if they knew and our biggest argument is always over me not giving him enough sex. Strangely enough, he hasn't seemed to want much recently so I suppose all the signs are there.

PS - what does LTB mean?

OP posts:

werewolvesdidit · 04/01/2013 13:36

Don't give him time to wipe his phone!!!!!! Make him hand it over in front of you with the password there and then. Don't give him ANY prior warning.

Original poster

WorriedMummy73 · 04/01/2013 13:36

Tzella - no, he's not perfect, but who is? We've known each other since we were kids and have totally different upbringings (with regards to parenting, not money, we're both from working-class, low-income families). We seem to argue about pretty much everything and I've been severely depressed since having DD1 11 years ago, something he refused to accept for a long, long time. He still maintains that 'vegetables and exercise' can cure depression!

Can't believe I've been this naive...

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 13:37

He'll either confess the lot and try to blame you for not having enough sex ... or he'll deny everything and carry on with the ridiculous excuses. Either way you have to ask him to leave. This isn't a 'forever' deal necessarily, but it gives you time to think and work out what you want to do next. It also makes it very, very plain to him exactly how serious this is and how much he is about to lose. If you let him stay at this point you put yourself in a weak position.

Puts the ball in his court to earn his place back in YOUR life...assuming you still see him in the picture. LTB - Leave The Bastard

badinage · 04/01/2013 13:39

It means Leave the Bastard I think.

Which is what I think you should do with a man who's been lying to you comprehensively and taking you for a complete idiot.

You don't need any more proof you know. Even if he denies it, he's lying. Please don't tell yourself you need anything more in order to act, because you really don't.

Which is why I'm going to ask you this.

He's having an affair, what will you do about that?

tzella · 04/01/2013 13:39

Leave The Bastard

He's exactly the same as his horrible friends

Original poster

WorriedMummy73 · 04/01/2013 13:39

Ok, ok - but how do you all know for definite that he's cheating or has cheated? I know I'm being really silly, but I love him, we have kids, we have a life. What if I'm reading too much into things. God, what a mess...

OP posts:

badinage · 04/01/2013 13:43

Because no adult lets a mate use his phone. If he's got a cheating mate, the bloke would buy a cheap PAYG as his shagphone.

Or he'd password protect his own phone and have the utter contempt for his partner to text his OW right in front of her and the kids.....

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 13:43

That first exchange of texts is all the information you need. No-one's friend uses their phone to send kissy-kissy messages to women. It was his phone, his messages, his girlfriend asking if you were 'her' and it happened several times. Most of the time things are exactly what they look like. If you don't want to see it because you love him and have kids etc. that doesn't change the facts. i.e. He doesn't have much respect for you and he's tomcatting around.

mcmooncup · 04/01/2013 13:47

You know he is having an affair because you texted a woman he was 'conversing' with on his phone and she asked why you weren't putting kisses on and if it was 'her'.

And he won't now let you see his phone.

And he is part of a culture where all of this is fine

He is entitled about his sex rights so will have no qualms about servicing himself anywhere he pleases.

jenny99 · 04/01/2013 13:57

As someone who has had an affair I have to say it is suspicious. He acts about his phone exactly as I did.

I wouldn't let it out my sight. I texted OM whilst watching tv with OH.

I also had a cheap payg for phonecalls which I kept hidden.

I ALSO let my friend use it to text her OM but then deleted all evidence of that.

And the affair is now over but I still wouldn't let my OH near my phone incase I've missed deleting something or there is a text from my best friend about it or something like that.

Sorry but looks like he has something to hide.

DragonMamma · 04/01/2013 13:58

Wow. I wouldn't even have to ask, this would be basically him telling me that he's playing away.

He's feeding you a line about the messenger thing and I can't believe he has the gall to text OW whilst you're sitting next to him - that would make me think it's been going on that long without him being caught that he's starting to get cocky and brazen with when he contacts her.

Don't let him turn this around on you or minimise his behaviour. You need to confront him and whatever he eventually admits to, be prepared to find there's a whole lot more.

Original poster

WorriedMummy73 · 04/01/2013 14:00

The other thing that makes me wonder is that from what I can see of the screen, the messages he receives (and sends back) are four or five lines each. I've met his friends and most of them aren't capable of more than a few words at a time, never mind a whole paragraph. He never sends me lengthy messages.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 14:02

Are you trying to find reasons not to challenge him? Are you worried about his response? Does restarting life as an independent woman rather than continuing a miserable existence as the wife of a cheat bother you?

badinage · 04/01/2013 14:02

There's no wondering about it.

What will you do now that you know he's having an affair and has been lying to you for ages?

You really need to focus on that now, not is he/isn't he, because he is having an affair.

LoopsInHoops · 04/01/2013 14:03

Yes, sorry. An affair. :(

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