Is he cheating or am I REALLY paranoid? (Long, sorry)

[WorriedMummy73]

I've been with DP for almost 20 years and we have 3 dc. He works all over the country and is often away Mon-Fri. There have been several incidents involving his phone and dubious messages from people. As an example, he came home drunk one night and his private messaging kept beeping. He was more or less unconscious and I checked the messaging (wrong, I know) - there was a conversation there between him and someone (with a male name) where the other person stated that they 'were really excited because they were getting to see him tonight' and other stuff along those lines, with lots of kisses, etc. I replied to this person (pretending to be DP) asking 'are you still up, did you have a good time tonight, etc'. They replied and then asked why I wasn't putting any kisses, then said 'is this really you'? I said 'who else would it be?'. They said 'her' (meaning me, I assume). DP woke up looking for his phone and lost his temper - I explained what I had seen and he said the messages weren't meant for him but were 'crossed-messages' between his mate and some girl. There was a similar incident a few months before that (again, he put it down to his friend using his phone to text a girl he was seeing on the side).

Since then, he has passworded his phone (Blackberry) and is constantly on it, texting (sitting right next to me when he's home) but holding it an angle so I can't see the screen. He swears he would never cheat on me, but the whole phone thing is driving me insane. I've told him how I feel, how the previous incidents make me feel, how he spends more time texting his 'friends' than he does talking to me, but he doesn't seem interested. We'll agree to watch a film together when the kids go to bed but he'll be on his phone the whole way through.

I feel that the password indicates he has something to hide - my phone isn't passworded and he knows that. If I ever ask to use his phone (if mine isn't working) he hovers around me the whole time I'm using it.

Would it be unreasonable of me to ask him to show me his messages or am I being over the top?

You have wanted to believe him because not believing would mean you'd have to deal with his infidelity. But he is lying big-style and treating you with contempt.

He makes you feel like you're the bad one, the paranoid one, by denying everything and making shit up - that you want to believe. That's how he's been getting away with genital warts and dodgy conversations, because you so want to believe him.

That's understandable, but is it really sustainable?

Dear WM this isn't looking good I'm afraid.....
Does he work in the City by any chance or in Finance...?
Anyway, that's by the by.....
I was in similar shoes to yours last April, different circumstances, but I too stumbled upon messages
When I look back there were many red flags, but like you I didn't realise. I didn't even have the wisdom of MN to help me at that time.
What I can tell you is that there is a well worn script that they follow, which is to deny and delete. If he does admit to anything then he will attempt to minimise it, along the lines of, we've just text but never met, or we only kissed once, I never really fancied her.........
You really need some hard evidence to confront him with. You could try asking to see his phone..... Mine did show me his iPhone, but not his work blackberry, well not at first....
When you do speak to him you must try and stay calm. Ask him and then be quiet, do not fill the silence that will come afterwards.
You may have to bluff a bit and say you know
It doesn't have to be the end unless it is a deal breaker for you.
Wishing you lots of luck. PM me if you'd like to chat
DGN
Xxx

Well I think he should be given the benefit of the doubt. I agree it's suspicious but you can't be certain he is having an affair. But if it was me I'd think he probably is.

You'd probably do well to get yourself checked out for other STIs as well, if he may have exposed you to HPV.

Agree about don't fill in the silences. Choose a time when you will not be interrupted e.g. by children wanting this or that. Just look into his eyes and nod when he speaks. Watch his response closely (his eyes, his voice, his words, his body language). Add pressure with a couple of questions or statements if necessary. But stay calm. Keep your nerve.

Also agree about expecting the unexpected and considering what you want out of it. As said, expect Denial. Storming out. Admitting (but only in part). Accusing of you. I think the thing to remember is that you don't have to give anything away emotionally at this point, you are more on a fact-finding mission.

Good luck too.

I think the 'benefit of the doubt' is precisely why the OP is where she is now. Having swallowed the lies and ignored what's been before her eyes for so long it's taken something far more blatant to finally get her to stop giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Most of the time things really are exactly what they appear to be.

Good luck :(

Selfish arsehole :( x

I wouldn't confront him yet, not until you are sure of your position and what you're going to do. Do you have family and friends that you can confide in so that when the time comes you have emotional and physical support?

You're getting some duff info on this thread. Genital warts don't lie dormant for years. They show up within a year of initial HPV infection. Sounds like the poster is confusing this with herpes, which is a very different condition.

No GP would tell someone that genital warts are not sexually transmitted, because they always are. Your DP is lying about this as well as everything else OP and that lie has led to you not seeking appropriate treatment quicker.

Badinage is right, the NHS website says genital warts appear from between 2/3 months of infection to a year afterwards. They don't sit dormant for 20 years.

So sorry you are going through this.

Can I just say something? And will you really listen?

Your husband - your husband - the one person who is supposed to love and cherish and look after you has given you a dangerous virus.

He has lied and lied about this to you, knowing that your HPV virus was caused by the warts he got by having sex with other women.

He lied knowing that this could prevent you from seeking medical help.

He has continued to lie knowing you had an abnormal smear.

Please, please think about that and get VERY FUCKING ANGRY.

He has put your health - let's be honest, your life - at risk here.

He does not care about you. That is the truth.

I would bet very ood money on him having slept with many prostitutes too over the years.

I think you should save yourself months or years of wasted time trying to fix, forgive, forget and see this cunt for who he really is.

Sorry

He is definitely shagging around.

He sounds like a real twat - he does not care about your health at all.

Remember when confronting him, he will deny deny and then admit to the very minimal (it was only once etc).

You can still end the marriage because of his shitty behaviour - the texting, the lack of affection, the lies etc.

The worst thing you can do is to cry and beg for him to stay - he will not change unless you take control by telling him you need space and time to reconsider whether you still want to have this marriage/relationship.

Let's be blunt about this - "abnormal cells" can mean cervical cancer. This excuse for a husband has given you a virus that could potentially KILL you if you hadn't found out early enough to get it treated. Re-read Proudnscaryvirginmary's post above & start to get angry that he has done this to you and is still lying about it!

Agree with everyone else.

He is cheating on you. Those first texts gave it away.

Good luck OP.

What an utter shit he is. I'm so sorry, this thread must feel like the rudest of awakenings.

I used to work with a group of men (in finance and sales fwiw!) who all behaved like this. About 10 of them, without exception. They all had girlfriends and wives too. It was the culture by which they operated. I think you can tell a lot about a mans morals by the company he keeps.

I'd be seeking legal advice ASAP in your position. I'd probably start copying financial docs and checking bank situations at this stage, before he realises you're on to him. In my case that was invaluable advice from someone on here.

After all this time, what's been going through his head, what a prize; I don't even know you but you deserve better OP.

I assume from your username that you were born in 73 so will be 40 this year.
There are a lot more years left, worriedmummy. You deserve the best in life. You deserve to be with a man who respects you and treats you the way you want to be treated - and by the sounds of it, he is not doing that. Condoning such behaviour is also not good for your children even though they may not be aware of what is going on. But sooner or later they may find out and then what?
It must be scary to think about a different life without him. You may be financially dependent on him, have common social circles and just love him to the moon and back. But you need to do something about it. Forgive and move on (which is incredibly hard to do. I am not enlightened enough to do that) or leave.
As cliched as it may sound, and you probably don't want to read this now, but things happen for a reason.
Sending you a big virtual hug.

This is almost exactly what has just happened to me. Can't link to my threads, as I'm on my phone, but the phone thing is almost 100% his OW. I'm so sorry. It's horrific, I know.

Sorry - to be clear, what I recall re HPV is that following infection you get an initial outbreak which if left untreated may either clear up and be the end of the matter; or, the virus may then lie dormant and recur.

It is almost impossible for such an outbreak to go unnoticed by a man because it will be external, whereas in a woman, the outbreak may well be internal and come and go without you knowing you've got it.

I have no idea whether this can persist over 20 years but it seems unlikely, especially since you've presumably had smears / screening etc for some while now given you have three DCs. A quick Google tells you that HPV is sexually transmitted in the first place, and you have told us you've had no other partners. So the likelihood must be that his outbreak is the immediate one following recent infection, and so is yours, from him.

It may be that some other construction is possible - otherwise all this would surely have been set out for you when you had your smear results? - but if not, then you have solid evidence he has cheated: he has given you an STI that could only have come - via him - from someone else.

It is almost impossible for such an outbreak to go unnoticed by a man because it will be external, whereas in a woman, the outbreak may well be internal and come and go without you knowing you've got it.

Sorry again - by which I mean, it seems impossible that he has had it for years without knowing it, but you could have, I suppose. However...I suspect my third paragraph is the actual state of affairs. Very sorry about this.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, OP. You deserve better.

I agree with the posters who are saying to have a clear idea of what you want before confrontation. Personally I couldn't stay with a man who cared so little for my happiness or health. There would be no way to fix it for me.

Sending you a very unMNy hug.

Have you been for a sexual health check up at one of the clinics? I suggest you do and as for the warts do you know what genital warts look like? Google them and if similar suggest he goes to the doctor.

IF he discusses his friends seeing prostitutes I bet you he is too, men tend to warp things. They will make out the story is about a friend when actually it is about them.

But yes he is having an affair.

Just checking Christmas is over.....no, you can't catch an std by divine intervention. This, I hope is a wind up?

I've just looked up some reliable information about HPV, as I wasn't sure of the facts.

"the HPV types that can cause genital warts are different from the types that can cause cancer."

"HPV is so common that most people get it soon after they start having sex. And it may only be found years later."

It seems the presence of a genital wart is unconnected with an abnormal pap result.

Also that 70% of sexually active people catch the HPV that can cause cervical cancer. Most people's immune systems kill it off.

www.cdc.gov/std/hpv/pap/default.htm

OP, I think the phone business and paranoia accusations are enough evidence of guilt. No need to get hung up on the HPV issue.

I have an idea, you say if you ever need to use his phone if yours is broken he watches you like a hawk?

You could try hiding your phone somewhere (maybe have it on vibrate or something upstairs or in a different room) then say to him "I can't find my mobile, can I borrow yours to phone it?" he'll need to unlock it for you.

Then ring it and pretend to follow the sound then run into the bathroom and lock the door and read what's on there.

Might work? I think it's a very inconspicuous request, and wouldn't give him time to delete any evidence. I use my DPs phone all the time to find mine.